Fall to Pieces
by ricochet24
Summary: a story about Ellie...
1. Past Lives

Fall to Pieces  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own anything.  
  
Chapter One: Past Lives  
  
I barely ever sleep. Seriously. I can go days without closing my eyes for more than five minutes. My insomnia must have started when I was younger, but I'm not exactly sure when. It's not something I keep track of and write in my daily planner. It's like a routine. Every night, I finish my homework, do whatever until I look at the clock and realize any normal teenager would be sleeping right now, brush my teeth, and get in bed. I turn off the lights in my room every night and just lay there. I close my eyes, I try counting sheep, count from 100 backwards, but nothing ever works. So then I usually just stare at the posters on my walls until my alarm goes off. I remember going to school one day in like the sixth grade. I was so tired I couldn't even see straight. I must have looked like an idiot walking down the hall, swerving in and out, not even walking a straight line. The last thing I can remember is my best friend Zeke asking me if I was okay before I passed out in his arms.  
I woke up in a hospital. It turns out I had a bad case of exhaustion. Whatever. All I cared about was the fact that I had needles sticking out of my arms. I guess I had also kind of forgotten to eat for a few days. My mom rushed in as soon as she learned I had woken up. She was so upset. My mom really cares about me, but sometimes it's hard for her to show it. Probably because she's never home to begin with. She owns a really successful interior design firm and is always at the office. You could call her a workaholic. My dad is in the army. Besides that, he owns a few businesses- all successful. My parents are barely ever home so I can pretty much do what I want. Like not eat and not sleep.  
So the doctors prescribed me some sleeping pills. Take one before I go to bed. Only thing is, I started to get addicted to them. I mean, when you're sleeping, you don't have to think about all the shit going on in your life. So I'd start to take them as much as I could and my teachers didn't really appreciate me falling asleep in their class. So I had to go off of the sleeping pills once they found out I had taken all 48 in a matter of two weeks.  
Why am I saying this? I don't know. Maybe because it's 4:30 am and in two hours I'll have to get up and get ready for school. Except now I'm a sophomore. And I no longer live in Montreal and go to Rookwood Academy, the most prestigious private school in Canada. Now I go to Degrassi High School. It's okay. I have some great friends there. Okay, three friends... but who's counting, right? It's not as hard academically as Rookwood was, not even close, but I still learn. I guess you could say I sort of miss my old life. I mean, things were so much simpler then. And right now, I'm keeping my past secret from everyone so I constantly have this huge, like, chip on my shoulder. It's not that I'm embarrassed by who I was before, but it's just better that no one knows. That part of my life is in the past.  
Everyone thinks I'm this huge freak at Degrassi. If it weren't for Marco, I don't know what I would have done when I first transferred here. It was the second semester of freshman year, the year of all my problems. My parents had decided that I needed to get away from everything that was bad back in Montreal. Believe me, my life has not been easy. I used to have it so good back in seventh and eighth grade. I was so popular and, yeah, some things happened to me that majorly sucked, but it wasn't as bad as what freshman year had in store for me.  
I was such a slut. No one would believe it now, but, yeah, I led a fast life. Of course, when I first came to Degrassi, the guys were all about getting my number, but I always said no. I think I wanted to start over or turn a new leaf or however it's said. The guys saw how short I could wear my skirt and they were intrigued. If they only knew... I've always wanted to be loved and accepted. My parents love me, that's for sure. My dad never says no to me. I'm his little girl. My mom is always telling him that he has to learn, but he can't resist. My mom is more like a friend. One that I never see, but a friend nonetheless. But it was never enough for me. I was a very high-strung child. I was constantly on the verge of having nervous breakdowns because I'm so competitive and I want to be the best at everything. I've never received a grade lower than an A until this one quiz in math this year. I failed it because I didn't do my homework- another first for me. I've always been the good girl at schoolwork. Always doing her homework, always getting A's, always having the highest average. And I like it that way. I love showing others up. I'm what people call a perfectionist. But in my quest to be the best at everything, I kind of forgot to be a little kid. I grew up just way too fast. No matter how well I did, I always felt like it was never enough. I just wanted my parents to be proud of me. I should have realized that they were.  
So while I was being busy at being perfect, I met this guy. I was in seventh grade, and he was a sophomore. We shared the same art period. While I was hammering some jewelry out, he was sketching in his book. I didn't realize he had been sketching me the entire time. When I came in the next day a picture of me was hanging on the display wall. It was incredible. I was so busy admiring it, I didn't realize he was standing right next to me. We started talking and we realized we had quite a lot in common. So he asked me to the movies. I was shocked, he was four years older than me. Of course I said yes.  
I wanted to impress him so much. We didn't see too much of the movie. I don't even remember what movie it was. He was too busy trying to get in my pants. And I let him. I didn't want to seem like this huge baby, plus, I thought I was ready. I seriously thought that he was something incredibly special. So we did it. Twice. The first time, yeah, it was awkward and kind of weird. We were in his tiny little car and my head kept hitting the door. The second time, though, wow... Yeah, I enjoyed it. A lot. After that night, all I wanted was to feel that way again. He had made me feel so special and loved, and I wanted to continue feeling that way. So I started wearing my uniform skirt a lot shorter. Every Friday when we dressed out, I wore the most revealing outfit I could get away with. Every guy was fair game and every guy usually took me up on my offers.  
So I was very popular. But I don't like to think it was only because I was a whore, but also because I was genuinely nice. You would think every girl at Rookwood Academy would hate me. Sure, there were some who did, but, basically, I was well liked by everyone. I never treated anyone badly. I was a good person, just a bit loose...I'm not going to go into the full details of my sex life. Let's just say there was a lot of it. And there was one huge problem I got myself into. I got pregnant. And got rid of it. I made an older friend of mine take me. The place was shady, but I got what I paid for. I'm not saying I didn't regret it. Or still don't. God, I'm like one of those stupid teenagers you read about in some magazine or watch on Oprah.  
At the beginning of eighth grade, however, I changed. There was this guy- Breydon. He was this huge jock, and I thought I hated him. He tormented me every chance he could. Yeah, so it turned out he had this huge crush on me ever since he met me. I was kind of flattered and kind of glad because he was really cute. So we started going out. I mean, really going out. This wasn't just some guy who I screwed- he was the real deal. Yeah right, the real deal in eighth grade? I'm not kidding. It was beautiful. So basically, I stopped being the whore of Rookwood and became the steady girl of Breydon Jackson. He was two years older than me and drove this killer car. Sometimes we would just take off and go on the most ridiculously long road trips. We'd take pictures of anything that struck us as odd or funny. We dated for almost year. It would have been longer, too. At the beginning of the summer before my freshman year, Breydon was on his way over to my house to pick me up. I was making him take me to this Shakespeare festival a few hours away. Except he never came. The phone rang later. My dad sat me down a few hours later and told me that Breydon had lost control of his car and crashed. He died instantly.  
I shrugged. I shrugged when I heard. Then I demanded that my dad take me to the festival. My dad couldn't even look at me in the eyes. They decided that I needed to stay home that night and relax. The visitation was going to be the next day. I snuck out that night and went clubbing. I didn't even call Zeke to tell him or talk to him. The next morning, my parents couldn't find me. I had stayed out all night, gotten wasted, and slept at some random guy's place. I can't even remember to this day whether we had sex or not. This behavior lasted the whole summer. My friends became disgusted with me and wouldn't even talk to me. I guess I had blown them off for the last time. I just partied every chance I could and didn't even care that I was hurting the people around me. When freshmen year came, no one could relate to me. No one wanted to be my friend. I didn't really care. I just concentrated on being the best and not thinking of Breydon. I did a pretty good job at it. I had a few meaningless flings with guys -one who was quite a bit older than me. I won't even say his age, but nothing that lasted. I was on a one way street to nowhere. Zeke wouldn't even look my way, but I could tell he was getting a little worried about me. I always caught him checking up on me. I just wanted to be left alone. I wanted to die.  
One day in class we were reading this poem and interpreting it. Everyone just kept saying the word "death". I flinched every time it was said, but I just kept my eyes on the book and the same expression on my face. I had become quite the actress. But then the memories of the day Breydon had died just, all of a sudden, came flooding back. I could see myself talking to my dad and shrugging before walking off. I could remember how angry I was at Breydon for ruining my day. I could remember getting drunk that night. And I just freaked out. I just got up and walked out of the room without saying a word. As soon as I hit the hallway, though, I fell sobbing. I couldn't even stand up. It hurt so badly. My teacher took me to the nurse and my mom picked me up. My parents took me to a therapist but I never talked to him. I just cried. It was then that my parents decided that we should get away from everything that was bothering me. So we moved.  
And I met Marco. I had gone seven months without having a single friend and then I met Marco. He was amazing. He was supposed to show me around because I was new there. We couldn't stop talking. We had like everything in common. We were perfect for each other. I felt so guilty, but I started to develop feelings for Marco that I hadn't felt since Breydon. I hadn't been that happy since before the accident. I didn't want that feeling to end. So Marco and I spent every possible moment together. We were inseparable. I felt bad for his parents because I was constantly over there. But that didn't work out. Marco didn't feel the same way for me, and he never will. I'm not going to lie, I still kind of resent the fact that he'd rather be with Dylan than with me. It's like having a knife being stabbed into my gut every time I see them together. But Marco and I are soulmates and we are supposed to be together. So you can't really blame me. It still hurts and I'm still not completely over it, but I've started to pick the pieces back up together. With the help of Sean, that is. On the outside, I bet my life looks perfect. Let's hope it stays that way. 


	2. If It Makes you Happy

Chapter Two: If it makes you happy  
  
My alarm promptly rang at 6:45. I hadn't even realized I had fallen asleep  
over my journal and now had pen ink all over my cheek. Attractive, let me  
tell you... So, another day at school. One more day that I would have to  
listen to Ashley constantly bitch about how badly Craig was treating her.  
You know, because flowers every day and him writing yet another song about  
her is sooo horrible. Sometimes I just want to scream when I have to listen  
to her. I try and tune her out, but sometimes that doesn't work. But hey,  
maybe Marco would remember that I'm supposed to be his best friend today  
and actually talk to me. Okay, so the only thing that would make this day  
bearable was the fact that I'd get to see Sean.  
I quickly blow-dried my hair and threw it into a low ponytail. I stared at  
the picture of my father and I taken a few months ago when he had come back  
from a mission. Too bad he was gone again. It was only a peace-making  
mission this time, but who knew how long that would last. After I finished  
applying my trademark makeup- heavy eyeliner, smoky eyeshadow, and lots of  
gloss- I walked into my closet. I had become so crazy about impressing Sean  
since we started dating. Today I chose a cute little khaki and red plaid  
skirt and a soccer jersey that used to be Marco's when he was like five. I  
attached these killer suspenders I had picked up in this vintage store.  
They were so cute, especially with the little toolbelt I wore around my  
waist. It held the necessities- cell phone, a tube of strawberry lip gloss,  
and a little gameboy. Marco had seriously been spending way too much time  
with Dylan and his video games lately. I blame my mild obsession with video  
games on Marco. He's the one who let me borrow it.  
I checked on my mom before I went to school. Yep, she was already drunk on  
her one day off from the firm. It wasn't the first time she had gotten  
wasted at 7:30 in the morning. Nothing ever shocked me anymore.  
"Ellie! Wait up!" I turned around and saw Marco jogging behind me. I hadn't  
even realized I had already been walking for like ten minutes.  
"Hey Marco."  
"So, what have you been up to? You didn't call me last night."  
"Do I always have to call you? You have the capability of picking up a  
phone, too."  
Marco smirked, "Ouch. So, what did you do?"  
I shrugged, "Hung out at Sean's for awhile. That sort of thing."  
"Oh... yeah... THAT sort of thing. So, what's with you two? You like live at  
his house now."  
I shrugged again. Dammit! I wish I could do something more than just shrug.  
This was Marco, my best friend. I owed him more than just a tiny shrug. Not  
to mention that I had always been proud of my articulation. Now I was like  
a mute. I stopped and faced him. "Actually Marco, Sean did ask me to move  
in with him. But, I don't know..."  
Marco started coughing and stopped walking with me. I look over my  
shoulder. The expression on his face was priceless. "What do you mean "move  
in"? As in, get away from your mom and move in like friends. Or move in and  
let's have a love life?"  
"Marco!"  
"Well! You're my best friend, El. I worry about you sometimes."  
"There's nothing to worry about. I'm capable of taking care of myself."  
A few minutes of silence passed before Marco cleared his throat, "Well?"  
I rolled my eyes, "Well, what?"  
He gave me that look that meant he thought I was absolutely hopeless. "Are  
you having sex with him?"  
I laughed. Leave it to Marco to ask me that. And so bluntly. "What's it to  
you?"  
"El, I swear to God, I will murder him if he ever hurts you. So if you guys  
aren't doing anything and I'm freaking out for no reason, please tell me  
now."  
"Marco, first of all, I can't see you murdering anybody. Especially Sean.  
Two, since when is it your business whether Sean and I..."  
"Ellie! Just tell me!"  
I faced him. He looked so worried. This was the old Marco. The Marco that  
deeply cared about me, who would talk to me at 3am because I couldn't  
sleep, or bring me my lunch because he knew I never bothered to buy  
anything to eat. "Sean and I are having sex. Yes."  
Marco bit his lip. This was hard for him. He was still trying to take it  
in. "But haven't you only been seeing him for like two weeks?"  
"Three weeks. Okay, I know. I'm a little hussy. But, it just happened,  
okay?"  
"Is he using protection?"  
I squealed. This was too awkward for words. "Yes, DAD."  
Marco smiled and shook his head. "Who knew Ellie Nash would be the first."  
"First what?"  
"Well, the first of our group to have sex."  
"Um, what group?"  
"You know- me, you, Ashley, Craig, Spinner, Paige. You know what I'm  
talking about!"  
I shuddered, "First of all, don't put me in a group with Spinner or Paige.  
Second of all, aren't they?"  
Marco laughed, "No. Paige doesn't want to. Spinner's so stressing over it.  
But I'll tell him you're free."  
I punched his arm and we started up the walk into school. This was the most  
we had talked in like a week. It was sad, but also great. Because I had  
missed it. "Marco, let's do something this weekend."  
"God, Ellie, I meant to tell you, but I'm gay. I'm sorry. I can't do  
anything with you."  
"You ARE gay, dude. I meant like let's hang out."  
"Right, hang out. That's what they call it these days."  
I narrowed my eyes and placed my hands on my hips. For being so tiny, I can  
be pretty intimidating if I want to. Marco smiled and kissed me on the  
cheek before nodding and heading off to find Dylan. I sighed and turned to  
my locker.  
"Oh my God, Ellie! Wait until you hear what Craig did this time!"  
Oh great. Another Craig story. I was beginning to feel really sorry for the  
guy. "Hey Ash. What happened?"  
"He asked me to his house last night and when I got there, he had cooked me  
dinner and there were fresh flowers and candles and he made me brownies! My  
favorite!" Ashley looked so happy that I had to be happy for her. That's  
just how I am.  
"That's great, Ash. Seriously, a gentleman thing to do."  
Ashley leaned against a locker and nodded. "Yeah, things are so much better  
now. So, how are things with Sean?"  
Wow, she was willing to talk about something other than her and Craig. This  
was new. At the sound of Sean's name, I can't help but break out into the  
dorkiest smile ever. I feel so stupid, but I can't help it.  
"Aw, she's blushing!"  
"Shut up! I'm not. Anyway, things are fine."  
"Okay, well tell that to him. See ya."  
I nodded and looked behind me. Yep, there was Sean on his way to see me. He  
looked so great. I think my fashion sense was definitely starting to rub  
just a tiny bit off on him. He was wearing this great black t-shirt. It was  
just plain, but tight in all the right places. He looked godly. He winked  
and took off his black hat before pushing me up against a locker and  
kissing me. Yeah, this was pretty much heaven.  
"Mmm.. What was that for?" I asked coyly.  
Sean put his hands and his pockets and shrugged, "Nothing really. Just  
thought you looked pretty amazing today."  
"Thanks. You too. You ready for your history test today?"  
"Yeah."  
"You remember all the dates we went over?"  
"Yeah."  
"And the important key terms and names? You have to remember the names of  
all the battles, Sean. That's for sure going to be on there."  
"Ellie! I know. Okay? You're a great tutor."  
I bit my lip. "Sorry, it's just that I get a little worked up. I want you  
to pass."  
"I know. And I will. And when I do, we're going to celebrate. So how about  
tonight at my place? Spend the night."  
I closed my eyes and leaned back against his chest. I had never spent the  
night at his house. Not that I didn't want to, but my mom had to be taken  
care of. But he'd been asking like every day, and maybe my mom could take  
care of herself for a night. "Sure. I'd love to."  
Sean squeezed my sides and made me squeal. I'm way ticklish. "Great, well,  
I have to go and look over my notes. Bye."  
"Buhbye." Ohmigod. I can't believe it. I had actually just cooed at Sean. I  
didn't think it was possible for me, Ellie Nash, to coo anything. Eh. I was  
getting to disgusting, it was unreal. But I'm happy. That's all that  
matters. 


	3. You're the Only One

By the way, this takes place after the whole messy Craig/Ash breakup  
thingy.  
  
Chapter Three: You're the Only One  
  
After school I go to my co-op at Caitlin's talk show. That night I  
was working on a current topic I was researching for her. Caitlin told me  
that soon I'd even get to pick my own topic and report about it on camera.  
How awesome is that? Right now, I'm just doing research, sitting in on  
meetings, and learning the strings behind directing and producing. I've  
always known I wanted to either do something in front or behind the camera  
or teach so this opportunity kicked ass.  
Except when you've been working for like three hours and it's the  
weekend and you're boyfriend is waiting at his house for you... Then it can  
be a bit torturous. Oh well, I had some music playing so it wasn't all so  
bad. It helped me concentrate more. Unless I happened to look in the second  
drawer of my desk and see all the sharp objects I had collected throughout  
my time here- staples, scissors, tacks, and an exacto knife. I am so messed  
up.  
So I haven't completely stopped cutting yet. I haven't made any new  
scars, though. I just reopen my old ones. That's a start. But I know  
Ms.Suave is still worried about me since I canceled my counseling sessions  
with her. She practically stalks me in the hallways. It was starting to get  
seriously lame trying to avoid her and Paige and...  
"Hey."  
I jumped in my seat and a tack scattered across the floor. I hadn't  
even noticed that I had opened "the drawer", picked out a tack, and had  
been dragging it across my arm. Shit... And now Craig Manning was visiting me  
for some odd reason. This was new.  
I pulled my hoodie sleeves back down and spun around in my swivel  
chair. My swivel chair that I have way too much fun with when I start to  
get a bit hyper. "Um, hey... Craig..."  
He pulled a chair from the wall over to my desk. "What are you  
working on?"  
I turned back towards the computer and tapped the desk. "It's a story  
on juvenile delinquents. You know- crime, juvenile hall, crap like that.  
I'm just doing some research."  
He nodded, "That's really cool, Elle."  
Elle? Since when did Craig call me Elle? We didn't exactly talk to  
each other every night and tell each other are most deepest, darkest  
secrets like Marco and I did... oh wait, no. That's not true either because  
I'm keeping a whole past from Marco. I'm such a bad friend...  
"You there, Ellie?"  
I hadn't even realized I had blanked out again. I must stop this. And  
soon.  
"Sorry. What did you say?"  
"I was just saying that I know you're probably confused that I'm here  
and, like, talking to you. I had to drop some stuff off for Caitlin for  
Joey, and I saw your door open. I just felt like coming in."  
"Oh."  
"Yeah..."  
"Hmm..."  
"So, how are things going with you and Sean?"  
"They're fine."  
"I can't believe you're with him."  
Wow. Was it me or did Craig just sound incredibly pissed off?  
"Excuse me? Why would you say that?"  
Craig sighed, "I don't know. He's this total loser and you... well... you  
deserve a lot better."  
I snorted, "Yeah. I sure do. Listen, Sean's a really great guy."  
"Yeah, I used to think so too. I mean, me and him were good friends  
when I first moved here. But then things just changed and now he's this  
huge jerk. What do you see in him?"  
"It's "him and me", by the way. And first of all, you don't know him  
as well as you think you do, and, second of all, it's none of your business  
what I see in him or whatever. Okay?"  
"Fine. You're right. But you could have any guy. I just don't see why  
you would choose Sean."  
I watched silently as Craig walked out of the room, closing the door  
behind him. What did he mean I could have any guy? I'm like the biggest  
loser in school. Obviously, Craig wasn't as smart as I thought.  
I got home at 7:00pm. By this time, mom should be just about passed  
out on the couch. If I'm lucky, I'll get a trashcan to her before she pukes  
up everything she drank. She gets home at 5:00pm, so she's had a good two  
hours to drink everything she can. Not including the tiny flask she keeps  
in her purse. And probably the one she has in her desk at the firm. How  
sad... What's even sadder is that I still like to drink although I've had to  
watch my mom battle with it. What kind of daughter am I?  
"Hi mom," I whispered as I covered her up with a blanket. Yep, she  
was passed out. I would just get her settled in and then leave for Sean's.  
I grabbed her designated trashcan and placed it near the couch before  
softly brushing her bangs off her forehead.  
I can remember when my mom and I connected. We had this great bond  
between us, a great friendship. We'd always go shopping together-spending  
insane amounts of money on shoes. She would always try and by me the  
"popular" clothes while I always went for the more eclectic stuff. I can  
remember the huge fight we had over whether or not I could get my belly  
button pierced. It was at the summer before seventh grade and my dad said I  
could, but my mom wouldn't even hear me out. She would yell at my dad for  
never being able to say no to me. Finally, one day she picked me up from  
school and surprised me by taking me to the piercing place. I was so happy.  
I can remember thinking that was my mom actually cool that day.  
I don't really like to think about it too much because it really  
makes me sad. I guess she just got more popular as an interior designer and  
had less and less time for me. The time I really knew that our bond was  
gone was when I told her about me having sex for the first time and she  
didn't hear a single word I had said. I was crying over that stupid guy and  
she just went on as if I had said nothing.  
Back to reality, though...  
Sean's house is a pretty long walk from mine, but I enjoy the  
exercise. I pass both Marco and Ashley's houses and sometimes I can see  
into their windows and see them having a family dinner like they always do.  
Not that dinner with Sean isn't great, but, well, you know. By the time I  
reached Sean's it was nearing 8:00pm and pretty much dark outside.  
"Hey Sean!" I called out as I walked through the front door. I set my  
bag on the couch and took my coat off.  
"I'm outside." I could hear Sean's voice coming through the back door  
which was open a little bit.  
What was he doing outside? "What are you do- Ohmigod..."  
Sean had made this incredible candlelit picnic outside for us. I'm  
talking the blanket, candles, pillows, and food. Okay, I've never really  
admitted this to anyone yet, but I am this huge closet romantic. I mean,  
come on, I get emotional during movies like Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty.  
I think every girl is looking for her hero, even freaks like me.  
Sean grabbed my hand lightly, "Do you like it?"  
I smiled up at him, "I love it. Absolutely."  
"Great. I'll admit right now, I didn't cook. I don't think I'm ready  
for that big of a step yet."  
"No problem. You haven't seen my cooking. I'm not kidding you. Third  
world countries wouldn't eat my food. So who cooked it?"  
"I had a little help from a few friends of yours."  
I knew he meant Marco and Ashley because, well, they're my only  
friends. Did I say Ashley was being a huge bitch before? If I did, I resent  
that. This was an incredibly sweet thing to do, especially since I know  
she's not too fond of Sean and me just yet. She's still a bit uncomfortable  
about it although she's getting used to it.  
Sean led me to my seat, "So we have some kind of pasta thing Marco  
said you love, fruit salad, some other crap they made, and, for dessert,  
voila, pez."  
"Pez!" I laughed. "I love pez! Did Marco tell you that?"  
Sean raised an eyebrow, "Yeah, he told me you were some kind of candy  
freak?"  
"More like addict. I'll eat any kind of candy. I especially like Pez.  
But, give me bubblegum and you're in trouble."  
"Why's that?"  
"Serious addict. Not kidding. My parents like put me on therapy for  
it at one point in my life." Hey... I actually admitted to someone I had been  
on therapy once. Okay, so I didn't tell the whole story- just a tiny part  
of it. But at least I had told some of the truth.  
Sean chuckled, "Yeah. I had no idea my girlfriend was such a basket  
case."  
"I prefer the term neurotic."  
"Yeah, neurotic and beautiful. Dangerous combination."  
I blushed... big time. I'm still not used to people telling me I'm  
beautiful. But when Sean says it, I can almost believe it.  
So we ate dinner and talked and afterwards we just lay on the blanket  
and looked at the stars. I pointed out different constellations to Sean. As  
I was pointing out a cluster of stars, Sean wrapped his hand out around  
mine and brought my fingers to his lips. I turned my head and looked him in  
the eyes. Next thing I knew, he was kissing me and he still hadn't broken  
eye contact with me. And it was intense eye contact. I could tell he really  
wanted me.  
When we kiss, Sean does something I really love. He cups my face with  
both of his hands and we'll kiss for a while and then he'll break away and  
place his forehead against mine and just look in my eyes for like ever and  
then we'll kiss some more. I think my heart stops beating and I actually  
stop breathing for a while there. How cliché sounding... That night Sean and  
I had sex outside under the stars. It was breathtaking- in more ways than  
one. And this is the moment when my life has seriously turned into just one  
huge cliché. And I love it. 


	4. Broken

Chapter 4: Broken  
  
I woke up the next morning to Sean running his hand through my hair.  
I immediately smiled and wrapped the sheet tighter around my body. He just  
smiled back at me and then kissed my forehead. "I have to go work on Mr.  
Simpson's car. I'm sorry."  
"It's okay. I'll leave soon."  
Sean stood up and nodded. "You can stay as long as you want. I'll  
call you later."  
I closed my eyes and turned onto my side. I felt incredible. I had  
never gotten so much sleep before. It must have been because I was with  
Sean. I feel comfortable around him. I stole a glance at the clock and  
gasped. It was already 11:30. Wow... My mom would be awake by now and yeah...  
This was not good.  
I jumped out of bed and threw my clothes on. I'm sure I looked like I  
had spent the night having sex. My mom would be able to tell the minute I  
walked in. But she wasn't able to tell. Because she was too busy drinking.  
I closed the door behind me as I kept an eye on her form. Filling shot  
glasses up, taking a shot, and then repeating. Over and over again. She  
looked like hell. Her hair was matted on one side and her eyes were rimmed  
with red. Like she had been crying all night or something. It was too  
pathetic to watch.  
I hurried and ran upstairs to take a shower. Then when I came out, my  
mom would be passed out and I could spend the entire day worrying before I  
went out with Marco later on. I couldn't wait... Ah, sarcasm.  
I wrapped myself up in my fluffy bathrobe after I got out of the  
shower. My hair had grown so long. At least three inches. I ran a pick  
through it before I came out of my bathroom... and face to face with Marco.  
"Marco!" What was he doing here? He'd never been to my house before.  
I never invited him. I mean- what would he think seeing my house? Probably  
that I was such poor little rich girl. And my mom! What must he have  
thought when he saw her?  
"Hey Elle..."  
"What are you doing here?"  
"You said we would do something today."  
"Yeah, but now right now. And not here..."  
Marco sat down on my bed. He didn't look fazed. A little confused but  
maybe that was because I was acting like a nervous wreck. Like I had  
something to hide. Like he hadn't already seen the half dozen empty liquor  
bottles downstairs. Four of which belonged to my mother. The other two...  
well... I had a hard week. A couple of shots a night before I tried to go to  
bed was the normal routine.  
"You've got a really cool room, Elle. Why don't you lay next to me?"  
Why was Marco such a good guy? Seriously. He is the sweetest thing on  
this planet. I'm so lucky to even know him. I sat down on my bed and leaned  
back into my pillows. Marco just lay next to me, breathing heavily. Then he  
told me.  
"I came out to my parents."  
My eyes opened wide and I turned my head. Marco looked so scared, but  
also somewhat at peace. I sat up and grabbed his hand and placed it in my  
lap. "And?" I prompted as I squeezed his hand.  
He lifted the corner of his mouth in a tiny smile. "They didn't kill  
me. I mean, they're pretty shocked. I'm their son. The one with the "sexy  
girlfriend", as Carlos likes to put it." Yeah, Marco still hadn't told his  
parents that we had broken up. "They told me it would take some time to get  
used to, but they're glad I told them- that I'm not hiding it anymore. I  
was so scared of what papa would think. I told him, he stared at me, and  
then he grabbed me in a huge hug. My father hugged me... Can you believe it?"  
Tears filled my eyes. I couldn't help it. I hadn't been hugged since  
my father left. And Marco... God, he was so brave. He actually just told his  
parents that he was gay. I couldn't believe he had worked up the nerve. I  
was so proud of him. "That's wonderful, Marco. I'm so happy for you."  
Marco sat back up. He took his finger and wiped at my eyelashes.  
"You're crying. Why are you crying?"  
I sighed. How embarrassing... "Because I'm happy for you. Now you can  
be fully happy."  
Marco broke out into a huge grin and touched his forehead to mine. "I  
know. You have no idea." Then he hugged me.  
He was right. I didn't have any idea. I've never felt fully happy.  
By that night, as we walked along the main street with our ice  
creams, Marco still hadn't mentioned anything about my house or my mom. I  
know he had seen her. As we walked out of my house he had stolen a glance  
at her. Why wasn't he saying anything?  
"Ellie?"  
Okay, here we go.  
"Hmm?" I looked up at him.  
He laughed. "You have ice cream on your nose." Oh God...  
He then kissed it off for me. I rolled my eyes. "You're such a  
player."  
"I'm a pimp."  
"Oh yeah..."  
We sat down on an empty bench near the park. Marco looked at me  
again. This time seriously. "Your house is huge."  
I nearly choked on my ice cream- wait, was that possible? To choke on  
ice cream? Well, if it wasn't before, it was now. "Yeah. So it is."  
"Don't get all defensive. I'm just stating a fact. I've never been to  
your house before. You never invited me. Why not?"  
I slumped, "I don't know. I didn't know what you'd think. I thought  
you would think that I was spoiled or something."  
Marco licked his cone. "You always say you don't care what people  
think. Really, you do. Way too much, in fact."  
I huffed. Leave it to Marco to say something like that. "Hey, Ellie,  
I'm not saying that's bad. I'm just saying that you could stand to care a  
little less."  
"I don't know," I shrugged. "I think it depends a lot on who it is  
too. Of course I care what you think. You're my best friend. You're  
everything and I don't want to lose that."  
Marco leaned his head on mine. "You'd never lose me."  
"Thanks," I whispered. Suddenly I became way interested in my ice  
cream cone and trying not to cry.  
"So you're mom seemed out of it today."  
"She's always out of it at home."  
"Really?"  
"Marco... my mom... she doesn't take my dad leaving very well. At all."  
Marco nodded silently. I went on, "She can't control herself when  
he's not here. She loves him very much. It hurts too much so she drinks. A  
lot. It's like she's broken and..." I choked back a sob.  
Marco put an arm around me. "It's okay, Ellie. You don't have to talk  
about it anymore."  
So I cried. 


	5. Seriously

Chapter Five: Seriously...  
  
I didn't get home until late. My mom was already in bed so I just  
busied myself by cleaning up after her. I grabbed empty vodka bottles and  
threw them in the trash. The dishes went into the dishwasher, the shot  
glass stayed out. I pulled out a half empty bottle of tequila and poured a  
shot. I still couldn't believe the way things went tonight. After I had  
started to cry Marco had just pulled me towards him and we just stayed like  
that until I was finished. I didn't realize how much I had needed to cry  
until an hour had passed. Afterwards we went on like everything was normal  
and like I hadn't broken down.  
We went to the all-night video arcade and I whooped his ass in just  
about every fighting game possible. I practice plenty at night when I can't  
sleep so I'm a force to be reckoned with. But he killed me in all the  
racing games. I'm a hopeless driver, even if it's just a video game. Yeah,  
I basically failed driver's ed. Guess I won't be getting my license anytime  
soon... Oh well, I'll just make Marco, Ashley, and Sean drive me around. They  
have it coming those responsible drivers...  
Mmm, the tequila felt good sliding down my throat. It burned a bit  
but not as much as it used to. I stopped. See, that's the difference  
between my mom and I. I know when to stop. I can take just one shot before  
I go to bed. I don't have the urge to do fifteen more. Sure, I like to go  
out and party as much as the next person and I usually get wasted off my  
ass, but that's a social thing. I'm a big social drinker and just a tiny  
private one. My mom's the exact opposite.  
I put the drink away and went into the computer room. I might as well  
check my e-mail. I logged on and noticed that Ashley was logged on too.  
AKRocker: Hey Ellebelle.  
Seansgrrrl: Ellebelle?  
AKRocker: I don't know... just in a good mood.  
Seansgrrrl: Why's that? Visit from Craig?  
AKRocker: Yeah. He came over. We talked. THAT IS IT. But he had  
to babysit Ang.  
Seansgrrrl: Am I the only one who can't stand that girl?  
She drives me nuts when  
she's at Caitlin's.  
AKRocker: Aww. She's sweet. Sometimes... By the way...  
Seansgrrrl: Yeah...?  
AKRocker: Since when are you all... well...  
Seansgrrrl: Say it Ash.  
AKRocker: What is with your name?!!!  
Seansgrrrl: Haha. Yeah, I was waiting for you to say  
something. I'm just joking. I was  
waiting to see how long it would take you to question  
my sanity. Seansgrrl.  
Pshh... I'm not that pathetic. Hold on.  
Ellie.: There. Did you really think I'd ever write  
"grrrl"?  
AKRocker: That's why I was so confused. So what did you do  
tonight?  
Ellie.: Hung out with Marco- ice cream, video games,  
Chinese food. Stuff of  
that sorts.  
AKRocker: Sounds good. Did you like your surprise the other night?  
Ellie.: Thanks! It was so awesome. We had a great night.  
AKRocker: Great as in...?  
Ellie.: As in none of your business.  
AKRocker: Okay, okay. I won't try and persuade details out of you. I  
know how  
stubborn you are. Hey, you know what comes out on Monday,  
right?  
Ellie.: What?  
AKRocker: The class superlative list.  
Ellie.: The official ones or the "underground" ones?  
AKRocker: underground.  
Ellie.: Oooh. I'm so excited. Note my enthusiasm.  
AKRocker: You are such a party pooper.  
Ellie.: Exactly. That is why I'm going to get off now and do  
something more  
useful with my time. Au revoir.  
AKRocker: Bye.  
Why did my e-mails consist of free dental plans (I have perfect  
teeth, thank you very much), chain letters from idiots like Paige and  
Terri, and porn? Hmm, maybe I'd forward that to Hazel. I logged off the  
computer and turned off the lights downstairs before retreating back to my  
room. Maybe I'd start a new sketch.  
I pulled out my sketch book and art pencils and began drawing. Hours  
later, my sketch was finished and dawn was almost approaching. I walked  
outside on my little balcony. I could see the sun just starting to peek  
over the horizon. I had an idea. I ran back inside and grabbed the cordless  
phone on my bed and dialed a number.  
Five rings passed and I was ready to give up until I heard a groggy  
voice answer. "Hello?"  
"Don't hate me. Get up and look outside."  
"Ellie? Why?"  
"Just do it, Sean."  
I could hear static and then some stumbling going on as I assumed  
Sean was going outside. "Yeah, so?"  
"Look at the sun. We can watch it rise together. It'll be romantic."  
"It'd be even more romantic if you were over here."  
I laughed, "I bet. Shut up and watch."  
We sat in silence for ten minutes. I was in awe of the sunrise. I  
appreciate small things like this. Okay, it's not exactly small since if  
the sun didn't rise then civilization would pretty much not exist... but  
people usually take it for granted. I noticed Sean's heavy breathing over  
the phone. Wait... was he...?  
"Sean?!"  
I repeated his name again. And then for a third time. Yeah... he was  
asleep. I hung up the phone a bit pissed. I know I shouldn't be since it  
was like 5:00am, but still. You'd think he could stay awake for twenty  
minutes to watch the sunrise with me. To do something romantic like that.  
Yeah, he can plan a huge meal for me and make out, but what about doing  
simple things like this? I sighed. What is wrong with me? I really  
shouldn't be getting this upset because Sean fell asleep over the phone. I  
imagined him asleep on the grass outside, but that didn't even make me  
smile. I walked back into my room and shut the sliding door behind me.  
Whatever. Maybe I'd just paint the damn sunrise for him.  
Sunday was pretty much uneventful for me. I didn't answer Sean's  
calls, I didn't answer Marco's calls, and I didn't answer Ashley's calls. I  
guess I was just in a bad mood. Or maybe it was just the PMS. Whatever it  
was, I didn't want to be bothered. I threw myself on my bed later that day  
after I had finished two movies and gotten to level 7 in a video game. I  
groaned into my pillow. Curses for being a girl.  
"Eleanor!"  
Sigh. Mom. And would she call me by my REAL name. Ellie. Get it  
right... I swear.  
I walked down the staircase. "Yeah, mom?"  
She peeked her head out from the kitchen. She had awoken in a chipper  
mood this morning. I guess she didn't have a hangover. Yay! "Could you run  
to the store for me? We need a few things."  
Running to the store meant walking like five miles. Sometimes I hate  
living in such seclusion. But my mom looked like she was in a great mood.  
And she was actually talking to me. I had to be nice. I had to be a good  
daughter. "Sure mom. What do you need?"  
"Here's the list. Don't buy candy with the change."  
I pretended like I didn't hear the last part. She knew I was going to  
buy candy anyway. She does this every time she gives me money.  
So, yeah, it took me awhile to get to the store. I picked up the few  
things my mom needed and then practically skipped to the candy store. Being  
in that store is like being in heaven. I ran my hands along the glass cases  
filled with just about any chocolately, gummy, gooey, sour goodness  
possible. Maybe I'd buy some stuff for Marco. His parents don't approve of  
his sweet tooth either. So usually we pick a day to go after school, stock  
up, and then hide it in our lockers. And then whenever one of us needs a  
fix, we'll have it at hand. I picked a few different varieties out and put  
the bags of candy in my backpack.  
As I was walking back home, I passed the Dot Grill and just happened  
to look in the window. I could see Ashley, Marco, Jimmy, Hazel, Paige,  
Spinner, and all of them sitting in one huge booth together, laughing, and  
joking around. I can't believe I'm saying this, but I kind of felt left  
out. Maybe I should have answered everyone's calls before... Before I could  
hurry and walk away, Jimmy turned his head and caught me staring. He lifted  
his head in a greeting and I repeated the gesture. Ashley looked over at  
me, then at Paige, and gave me a half-ass wave. Yeah... She wouldn't want to  
step on Paige's toes or anything by pretending to be my best friend...  
Marco waved me on in, and I couldn't be rude. So I decided I'd hand  
him his candy and then leave. I stepped in and stood next to him. Paige and  
her posse looked me up and down before going back to their own meaningless  
conversations on whether or not orange or yellow nail polish was the next  
big thing. If those idiots knew anything they'd know that bronze was in...  
Anyway...  
"What are you doing here, Elle?" Marco looked at me curiously.  
"I had to pick up a few things for my mom. But I stopped in the candy  
store. Bought you something..."  
Marco rubbed his hands together in anticipation as I took out his  
little bag of candy. It was filled with gummy fish, rollos, and Swedish  
fish. "This is great. Thanks Elle."  
"Doesn't she realize he'll never like her like that? How desperate  
can you be to go after a gay guy. Much less your gay best friend."  
I couldn't believe I had just heard Paige make that comment. To Terri  
of all people. She raised an eyebrow at me and I raised mine at her. Ashley  
must have noticed the tension between us.  
"I'd ask you to join us Ellie, but..."  
"Don't bother Ash. I wouldn't want to be seen with the pretentious  
snobs you're hanging out with."  
Paige fake pouted. "Aww, I'm a snob now!" Terri hid her laugh behind  
her hand. But whatever, I saw it. I can't stand her.  
"And you're a fat bitch," I slammed at Terri. With that I spun on my  
heel and started to walk about the door.  
But not before I heard Spinner. "Yeah, wait until she sees who was  
voted Biggest Bitch."  
"Seriously..." Paige piped in.  
Biggest Bitch? What did he mean? And why didn't Marco or Ashley stand  
up for me? I flipped my ponytail over my shoulder and stalked off. Times  
like these, home sounded real good to me. 


	6. Something in the Way

Chapter 6: Something in the Way  
  
Mondays... I hate them. At least today I do. Monday is the signal that  
the weekend is over and another week of school is about to begin. It  
wouldn't be so bad if I didn't feel like such a loser. First of all that  
fight with Paige and Terri at the Dot and then Marco and Ashley not even  
like acting like a friend towards me. They didn't even call me that night  
to talk. Marco always calls me, like, every night to talk. Was I slowly  
losing all my friends?  
I stepped out of the shower and rubbed the fog off of my mirror. I  
looked like such a little girl without my makeup on. Like, not even pushing  
eight. How gross. I sat in front of my vanity in my underwear and went to  
work on my hair and makeup. I grabbed the new sparkly gold/bronze eye  
shadow I had splurged on at the mall after the encounter at the Dot. Retail  
therapy always works. This color would look seriously hot.  
As I did my eyes I thought back to when I was younger. Ever since I  
could remember I had been obsessed with makeup and fashion. I used to  
videotape myself playing fashion consultant. My dad would laugh as I'd lie  
out three possible outfits and then pick which one was the best because,  
looking back, I dressed in some pretty weird stuff. I was especially fond  
of this Lakers jersey my dad had bought me, this white frilly skirt, hot  
pink tights, and my mom's stiletto heels. I was such a nerd. No wonder I  
had no friends. But my parents were great. They'd let me wear whatever I  
wanted. Even if it meant my tiara or a sheet wrapped around my neck like  
superman. How many other dads would let their daughter give them a makeover-  
complete with eye shadow, blush, and lipstick?  
I laughed out loud at the image of my dad after one of my famous  
makeovers. Wow, I had actually laughed. It's kind of depressing when you  
are surprised by your laugh. Like you've forgotten what it sounded like.  
That thought put a damper on my mood. I added a bunch more eyeliner to make  
up for it.  
I decided on an emerald green silk dress over a pair of jeans. Paired  
with my Gucci motorcycle boots, arm warmers, and this amazing multicolored  
vintage belt, I looked like a whole different person. Maybe the day  
wouldn't suck so much. As I put on my belt, I noticed that I had to tighten  
it a bit more. I looked in the mirror again and noticed that the top of the  
dress didn't really fit me anymore. It kind of hung off in a way. I rubbed  
my hand along my collarbone. I hadn't really eaten anything at all the day  
before. My stomach had hurt so badly and nothing had sounded good to me.  
I'd just make up for it today.  
I grabbed my backpack and the toast my mom held out on my way out the  
door. Hmm... apricot jam, not my favorite... I kind of just stared at the toast  
as I walked along the streets on my way to school. How many calories did  
jam have anyway? Maybe I'd just scrape it off and eat the toast plain. Or I  
could just...  
"Okay, so you're pissed at me. You have every right to be. I acted  
like a jackass, and..."  
I looked over to my side and noticed Marco. "Marco?"  
He looked at me sheepishly, "Yeah, Ellie?"  
"How long have you been walking with me?"  
"For like two blocks now. I've been talking, haven't you heard  
anything I've said?"  
"No..." Then I remembered his look of pity yesterday and a flash of  
anger came over me. "And I don't want to hear anything you have to say!"  
Marco grabbed my arm and stopped me. "Well, I'm sorry. I can't really  
do anything now, but I'm sorry."  
I glared at him a bit longer and then just gave it up. This was Marco  
after all. "It's okay. I'm over it."  
"Yay." Marco shouted childishly. I gave him a look and he laughed. He  
knew I hated it when he did his whole baby talk thing. Actually, I loved  
it. It would be so annoying if anyone else did it, but it's Marco and I  
used to be in love with him.  
We walked up the steps to school and I was already dreading the  
excuses Ashley would probably give to me. Maybe I'd make her squirm a bit  
more before I forgave her. Or not. I couldn't really afford to lose any  
friends. "Looking good, Nash."  
Ashley threw an arm around my shoulder. Okay. Maybe she didn't  
realize how bad of a friend she had been yesterday. I'd let it slide this  
time. "Thanks, Kerwin."  
All of a sudden we were handed this packet of papers. Oh great. It  
was the superlatives. Ashley and Marco started shrieking like little girls  
and immediately started to read them out loud. "Nicest rack- Hazel Aden,"  
Marco shrieked. I raised an eyebrow... totally saw that one coming. When  
you're as flat as me, you happen to notice it when girls are actually lucky  
enough to have something that fills out like a C cup. Me, I won't even  
disclose my size to anybody in fear that I'll be mocked for the rest of my  
life or given some stupid nickname. "Aww, Ashley! You got most unique!"  
Most unique? Are they kidding? Ashley wears just about anything, as  
long as she saw a model wear it first in like Seventeen magazine or  
something. She's about as unique as apple pie. Whatever, everyone adored  
her so I should have guessed.  
Ashley nudged my shoulder, "You got Most Artistic."  
I nodded. I pretty much already knew that. "Get to the juicy stuff!"  
Marco flipped to the next page and laughed. "Biggest slut... yeah..."  
I grabbed the paper. "So? Who got it?"  
I looked down. ME? I had gotten Biggest Slut. Since when?! I  
scrunched my eyebrows and looked up at Ashley and Marco. "Me?"  
Ashley rocked back and forth, "Well... you and Sean do kind of... flaunt  
it."  
"Flaunt what?"  
"Well... that you guys are having sex."  
I coughed. "WHAT?" I screeched. Okay, so Sean and I had had our share  
of steamy make out sessions in the hallway, but it wasn't like I was going  
down on him in the hallway or anything.  
"Why would you say that we're having sex?"  
"Oh come on, El. Every one knows it."  
"How?"  
Marco shot a nervous glance at me before giving Ashley a death glare.  
I pieced it together. "YOU TOLD THEM?"  
Marco threw his hands up. "I'm sorry. Okay, it just slipped out. I  
mean, we were talking about it and how Jody Thomas had it and then I just  
sort of blabbed."  
"So how come Jody doesn't have it anymore?"  
"I guess Spinner and then changed it. Or told someone to. I don't  
know."  
I rolled my eyes. I was seething. I didn't want to be known as the  
school slut just because I was a little more mature than everyone else.  
There really wasn't anything I could do about it now though. "Read the next  
one."  
Marco went through a couple more. "Biggest Bitch- El..." He abruptly  
stopped.  
I looked over at him. "Who got it?"  
Ashley giggled, "I'm sure it doesn't matter. Okay?"  
I fumed. "It's me, right? I'm the Biggest Bitch. Spinner said it at  
the Dot, right? This is great. So I'm the biggest slut and bitch in 10th  
grade."  
"Hey, and Most Artistic." Marco pointed out helpfully.  
"I don't think anyone's going to remember that one." I stalked off,  
keeping my eyes to the ground.

At lunch Sean sat down next to me. He placed his paper bag on the  
table and then leaned in to kiss me. I stopped him. "Don't."  
"What's wrong?"  
"You must not have heard. I got biggest slut and biggest bitch in the  
superlatives."  
"The school ones?"  
"NO. Just the dumb ones that we vote on unofficially. They're a bit  
more risqué than the school would allow. Obviously, I'm a bit more risqué..."  
Sean rubbed my arm, "It's okay. Who cares about those dumb things  
anyway?"  
"Everyone. Everyone's been staring at me. You'd think they'd be  
looking at Hazel's chest, but no..."  
"Well, can you blame them? You're a bit nicer to look at." He gave me  
one of his charming smiles before taking a bite of a sandwich.  
I sighed. "Thanks, but I don't believe you. Anyway, I'm not in the  
mood to talk about it anymore."  
"So what are you doing?"  
I put my pen down and closed my notebook. "I was just taking notes  
for my next class."  
"Don't you do that in class?"  
"Yeah, but I like to be ahead. In control, you know?"  
Sean shook his head. "No, I don't know. Lunch is social time. So get  
social with me."  
I smirked, "And I thought you were antisocial..."  
Sean wiggled his eyebrows and kissed my shoulder. I had to will  
myself not to give in. "So... I was thinking. I could pick you up after your  
co-op, we could go back to your place, fool around, and then you can help  
me study for my biology test tomorrow."  
"Sure, but let's do it at your place."  
"Why do we always have to go to my place?"  
"Um, because you live on your own. No parents."  
"You said you're mom is always working. Plus, your dad is in Kabul.  
I've never been to your house."  
"I know. It's just that..."  
"It's not like it could be any worse than my house. Is it small?"  
I laughed inside. No. More like insanely huge. I sighed. He was going  
to see it sooner or later, right? "Fine. Meet me at the studio."  
Sean smiled. "Great, I can't wait." Yeah... me neither.This was it. I fiddled with the doorknob to my house for a second.  
Anything to give me time. "Come on, Ellie. It's getting cold out here."  
I looked at Sean standing on the stoop. He was getting impatient. I  
inhaled sharply as I turned the knob and opened the door. I closed my eyes  
and waited for him to question why my mother was puking her guts out on the  
couch.  
"Awesome. And I thought it was great from the outside." WHAT? I  
opened my eyes and blinked. My mom wasn't on the couch. So where was she?  
In her bedroom, did she actually make it to the bathroom, where was she? I  
sheepishly looked over at Sean admiring the house. He didn't seem upset at  
all that I lived in a mansion. In fact, he thought it pretty cool. Sean  
noticed me staring at him and gave me a small smile.  
"I had no idea you lived in a mansion."  
"I don't really make it known."  
Sean wrapped his arms around my waist and lifted me up so I was  
taller than him. I reached down and kissed him as he carried me to the  
armchair. As he sat down in the chair, I straddled him and concentrated on  
kissing his neck. And inhaling he smell of his cologne that he had only  
started to wear once we had officially decided to go steady. I loved how he  
did things that like to impress me. Sure, he was the same hard-ass Sean  
that everyone was scared of at school, but when we were alone, he was  
different. He acted like I was the only girl in the world.  
I giggled as Sean reached for the button to my jeans and started to  
undo it. I had never fooled around in my living room before. Let alone  
where my mom could walk in on us any second. Wherever she was... His hands  
slid down my back and came around the front as he started to slide my jeans  
down and... The telephone rang.  
And rang. And rang... "Dammit," I whispered.  
"It's okay. Answer it."  
I threw an apologetic look as I ran for the phone. "Hello? Dad!  
Great! Yeah, totally. You? That's great. Yeah? Oh... Yeah... I see... No! I'm  
fine. Yeah. Totally fine. Just great. Great! Okay. I"ll tell mom you  
called. So, talk to you later. Love you. Buh bye."  
I couldn't even hang up the phone. It was like, if I hung up that  
phone, I might never talk to my dad again. Sean came over to me when he  
realized I wasn't moving. "Are you okay?"  
I looked up at him. He looked so worried. I realized I must have been  
scaring him. Not saying anything. Just staring at the phone in my hands. I  
forced a smile. "I'm fine."  
"What was that about?"  
I hung up the phone. "My dad. He's through with the peace mission."  
Sean grinned, "That's great!"  
"Yeah..."  
"So when is he coming home?"  
I leaned against the refrigerator. "He's not. He's finished with the  
peace mission because now it's a war." Just saying the words knocked the  
breath out of me. I slid down the door to the refrigerator to the tiled  
floor. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't blink. I didn't even feel it when  
Sean kneeled in front of me and rubbed my arms.  
"It's going to be okay. Don't cry." I hadn't even realized I had been  
crying. I put my fingers to my cheeks but I couldn't even feel the tears.  
But Sean just kept wiping at my cheeks and telling me to not cry. And all I  
could do was imagine never seeing my father again. 


	7. Everybody Hurts

Chapter 7: Everybody Hurts  
  
This part of the story is written in third-person to give more insight to  
what the other characters are thinking.

Marco took a sip of his water and leaned back in the booth at The  
Dot. Him, Spinner, Dylan, Paige, Hazel, and Jimmy were all having dinner  
there that night. He looked over at Dylan, who was busy telling the group a  
story about gym class that day, and smiled. He felt really happy and wished  
everyone could be as happy as he was.  
"Hey Ash!" Marco heard Paige call out and looked over. Sure enough  
Ashley was on her way over to the booth. "Where's Craig?"  
"Eh, he got stuck babysitting Angie. So we had to cancel our date  
tonight."  
"That sucks."  
"Yeah."  
After awhile the conversation turned to the superlatives they had all  
received that day. Hazel seemed quite proud of her Best Rack nod, as did  
Jimmy. Paige flipped her hair over her shoulder and leaned in towards  
Marco. "So how did Ellie take the superlatives?"  
Marco quickly swallowed his food and grimaced. "Not well. At all."  
"Yeah, she was quite pissed," Ashley piped in. "But maybe it'll help  
her see that she could stand to be a bit nicer to everyone."  
"She's not that bad, you guys," Jimmy put in. He looked at Hazel and  
she smiled. After all, they had seen a different side of Ellie the day of  
detention.  
"Why do you guys always defend her now?" Spinner shook his head in  
amazement while pouring ketchup on his fries.  
Hazel shrugged, "Detention has a way of bringing everyone closer.  
Especially when you have to watch Radditch exercise. Gross!"  
The gang laughed as Hazel did the impression of the sick display she  
had seen. No one noticed as Sean walked into the café and stood by Marco's  
shoulder. Marco looked up and immediately saw the concerned expression on  
Sean's face and excused himself. "What's up, Sean?"  
Sean stuck his hands in his pockets and rocked on his heels. "It's  
Ellie. She got some really bad news today and she's pretty bad off."  
Marco's eyes widened at the sound of Ellie's name. Sure, they didn't  
go out anymore and things were sometimes strained between them because of  
Dylan, but Marco cared about Ellie more than he'd ever cared about anyone.  
If she was hurting, he had to do something. "What happened?"  
Sean rubbed his eyes and sighed, "She got a call from her dad. It's  
turned into a war over there."  
Marco gasped and looked away. He had never met Ellie's dad, but the  
way she talked about him, he knew for sure that her dad was a good guy.  
Ellie adored him- that much was evident. If something happened to him,  
she'd be lost forever. And her mom... "What did her mom say? Were you there?"  
"Yeah. We were over at her house to study and stuff and he called.  
Her mom wasn't there. Ellie made me leave before she came home. I don't  
know man, it seemed like she didn't even want me to come over."  
"Hey, don't sweat it. For as long as I've been friends with Ellie,  
I've never been to her house. She's really private. Man, I just hope she's  
okay. Maybe I'll have Dylan take me over there now."  
"That would be good. I don't want her alone right now. Who knows what  
she could do. She could start cutting again... if she ever even stopped."  
Marco shook his head in confusion. "Cut?"  
Sean gave Marco an incredulous look and tried to backtrack, "Well...  
what I meant was..."  
"Is Ellie cutting? I mean, I heard the rumor. But I asked her and she  
never lies to me and she said it was just that. A rumor. She seemed so  
upset about it, so I believed her. Are you telling me that my best friend  
is hurting herself?"  
Sean nodded, "Yeah, man..."  
Marco ran a trembling hand through his hair and gave a nervous laugh.  
Ellie had always told him everything. She had never kept anything from him.  
To find out that his best friend was cutting was like a knife through his  
own heart. To think that he had done nothing to help her, that he hadn't  
even noticed. This was the girl who he thought he could read inside out and  
he didn't even know this. He had to get over to her house quick.Marco took a timid step up to Ellie's front door. He had never been  
here before. It was huge. But why the hell was he thinking that when she  
could be in there, cutting up her skin like it was art? His finger reached  
for the doorbell, but on second thought, he just opened the door without  
acknowledging his arrival. The inside was dark and quiet. It was like she  
wasn't even there. He didn't even know where her room was.  
His shoes reached the first step on the staircase. Her room must be  
upstairs. He could hear really faint music coming from up there. Guns N  
Roses. Yeah, it was Ellie. He started to chuckle to himself before  
realizing the circumstances he was here for. God, it was like her father  
had already been to war and didn't make it.  
Marco ran his hand along her door and quietly pushed on it. His eyes  
searched the room and found her form lying on the floor surrounded by a few  
pictures, a letter, a tiny plastic bag... and a compass. When his eyes zeroed  
in on the compass and saw the tiny droplet of blood hanging on to the  
point, his heart sank. It was true. Sean wasn't playing some sick joke on  
him.  
"Hey El," Marco greeted softly. Ellie didn't even turn around, but  
her back became even more rigid than before. Marco slowly walked towards  
her and found a spot to sit right next to her. She didn't look at him, but  
at the tiny cut she had made close to her wrist.  
Ellie lifted a shoulder, 'There's no point in hiding it now."  
"No. There isn't. Sean told me everything."  
"Did he tell you how I'm scared shitless of what is going to happen  
to my dad? Or that my mom is too busy getting drunk after work to even know  
what's going on in my life? Or the only thing I can find solace in is  
mutilating my skin? I mean, what happens when I run out of skin?" Ellie  
whispered vehemently. She seemed so ashamed of herself that Marco's heart  
leapt for her. He wanted so badly to just grab her and hold her in his arms  
and tell her everything would be okay, but he didn't know if that was true.  
And he could never lie to her.  
So instead Marco just took her hand and held onto it. Ellie's  
breathing was so rapid and she was shaking so badly. "I'm so sick of  
everything just going wrong in my life, you know? For once, I would like  
both my parents to just be home, to ask me how my day was, total Cleavers.  
I want everything in your life to be right. I don't want people making fun  
of you or bashing you. I want Sean to get good grades and to stop hanging  
out with the bad crowd.  
"You want everything to be perfect. And that's not possible. You have  
to realize that, Ellie. But you can make it better. You just have to gain  
control."  
"That's what I've done. I control cutting myself. I'm totally in  
control."  
Marco traced the outline of one of her scars. "No, you're not.  
Because this is scary. And seeing you like this is scary."  
"I've never felt so alone or scared in my life. It hurts to bad."  
"You're not the only one who's hurting, Ellie. It hurts me to see you  
like this. To see you doing this to yourself."  
Ellie finally looked up at Marco and he could see how bloodshot her  
eyes were. How dilated they looked. Marco knew then he couldn't leave her.  
She was in really bad shape. He'd never seen her this bad before. Actually,  
he'd never seen Ellie lose control before. Marco tucked her hair behind  
her cheek, "I'm going to stay here tonight with you, okay? I'll be here."  
With that, Marco went downstairs to call his parents and tell them of his  
plan.  
As soon as Marco left the room, Ellie jumped up and started to pace.  
She had to get rid of the evidence before Marco came back. She grabbed the  
tiny plastic bag and went to her bathroom to flush it. Next she checked the  
book and the carpet for any remains, but there were none. She had made sure  
of that. Marco knew a lot, but if he knew the whole truth, Ellie was sure  
he'd never be able to forgive her. 


	8. Agreements

Chapter 8: Agreements  
Back to first person again! Thanks to everyone who has been reviewing. I  
really appreciate it a lot! Keep on!

I focused on the seven letter blocks before me. Let's see. If I put  
them here I could spell "hysteria". I picked up the letters and placed them  
on the scrabble board. I was quite proud of the word I had formed. I rubbed  
my hand across my nose for the millionth time and slightly smiled up at  
Marco."Great. Thanks for, once again, taking the spot I was going to use." Marco droned. He knew I was a master at Scrabble and had yet to beat me.  
It was about 3 in the morning and we were still wide awake. My mom  
had long ago put herself to bed- complaining of a terrible headache- and we  
had been playing Scrabble for the past hour. The board was almost  
completely covered, mostly with long and complicated words I had formed.  
"I forfeit. Let's go watch some mindless TV or something," Marco  
crumpled up the score sheet and slid all the letters in the box.  
"Hey! I didn't even see my final score!"  
Marco rolled his eyes and helped me up, "You don't have to. It was  
basically in the thousands. Come on."  
We walked down my staircase into the den and stretched out on the  
sofas with a few drinks and snacks. This was good. Marco and I hadn't spent  
this much quality time together in like forever. Or since he started dating  
Dylan. Same thing. I was surprised Dylan hadn't tried calling Marco's cell  
phone about a million times that night. I guessed Marco had turned it off  
so we weren't interrupted. What a sweetie.  
I flipped through the stations until I landed on a rerun of Murder,  
She Wrote. It's one of my many guilty pleasures. Marco sighed impatiently.  
He does this all the time. I pretended not to hear him or any of his smart-  
aleck comments. Jessica's my pal. She never disappoints me. She  
always catches the crook.  
"So, are you still reeling from the superlatives?"  
Why did Marco have to bring that up? Yes, in the back of my mind I  
kept seeing the two dreaded titles I had so luckily earned. Since when did  
my appearance scream slut? Sure, I like wearing short skirts as much as  
anyone else, but my ass isn't hanging out. I wear so many freaking layers  
that I barely show any skin.  
"Yeah, I'm a bit surprised that I'm the biggest hooch in the class. I  
guess I didn't get that memo."  
"Well, you leave a lot to the imagination. And boys' imaginations are  
pretty dangerous. You have this subtle sexiness about you. Like you're  
teasing everyone."  
Was Marco actually saying this? This was coming from a gay boy. Well,  
I guess he could explain it the best since he had no romantic interest in  
any girl. "That's such bullshit. I'm not out there baring my stomach to  
everyone like Paige or sticking my chest out like Hazel."  
Marco fell off the couch laughing. "You don't have a chest to stick  
out!"  
I threw a pillow at him and crossed my arms over my barely there  
chest. "Shut up..." I have to admit, I am a bit self-conscious about certain assets I am not blessed with.  
"Oh, whatever. Boys are always trying to look up your skirt when  
you're bending down or checking out your stomach when you reach up for  
something in your locker. It's so disgusting."  
"What do they say? Like... you know..." I never even knew people noticed me. This was new. And obviously Marco had all the dirt. I had to get it out of him.   
"Do they like what they see? Sure!"  
"Gross." Okay, actually, inside I was like yeeeah.... but I can't let Marco know that. He would just laugh at me.   
"Oh please, you're the one who wears a see through skirt... Like you  
don't want everyone looking..."  
I narrowed my eyes, "Excuse me, but that skirt is adorable. And it's  
not like you can really see anything. It's black."  
"It's all about silhouettes, Ellie. And what a nice one you have," Marco wiggled his eyebrows at me, and I let out a small giggle. He is so gay. Literally.  
"I don't even want to talk about this anymore. Remind me to wear some  
really low jeans and a nice thong pulled up my ass on Wednesday, though. I  
might want to start living up to my reputation." With that I turned the TV  
off. Wasn't like we were watching it anyway.  
Marco stared up at me from his spot on the floor. I raised an eyebrow  
and he smiled. "Biggest bitch... yeah, I can see it."  
I groaned. "Everyone acts like I'm some psycho-witch. I'm a perfectly  
nice girl."  
"I think people mistake honest and brutal for bitchy. Don't worry, I  
know you're nice."  
"Thanks Marco. That means a lot coming from my best friend." I was  
being totally sarcastic. I would have hoped that Marco would think I was  
nice. We were friends.  
"I take that back. Sometimes, you can be way to sarcastic or know-it-  
all."  
"Because I do know it all."  
"Yeah, sure."  
I looked up at the ceiling and sighed. So was I supposed to change  
who I was just to make everyone else happy? All I've ever done in my life  
was worry about everyone else- if everyone else was happy. I've never done  
anything selfish and, sometimes, it really just hurts me in the end. I  
always feel unfinished. Marco could sense something was wrong. He shuffled  
over to the couch and just squeezed my hand.  
"How about we get you to bed? You're looking a little tired."  
I lifted the corner of my mouth slightly. "We have tomorrow off and  
the night's still young. Let's just get out of here."  
"Where do you want to go?"  
"I don't know. Let's not plan anything. Let's just go."  
So we did. We didn't really do anything spectacular. He got a chai  
tea and I got a caramel cappuccino from this all-night café, we walked  
through the park near the lake, and swung all night on the swing set. With  
Marco pushing me on the swing and seeing all the stars, everything just  
felt much simpler. I forgot about my dad being at war, I forgot about my  
mom in bed and how she was going to have a huge hangover when she woke up,and I didn't care anymore what everyone labeled me as. For once, I felt  
like I didn't have anything to worry about. I like it that way.

I was the biggest loser on earth. I had a day off from school, and I  
was choosing to spend it at my co-op. If anyone saw me, they would just  
laugh. Seriously, how nerdy can you get? Oh well, I enjoy it. Plus, I had a  
crap load to do.  
"Shit!" I put my head in my hands as, once again, the computer  
crashed. It had been doing this to me all morning. What really sucked was I  
had just written a killer intro to my piece and had forgotten to save it.  
Usually I'm pretty computer literate, but, today, I was completely  
helpless. I was starting to wish I had chosen to go uptown to this cute  
little vintage store that was just screaming my name at the moment. I had  
my eye on this little plaid skirt from London. Total 80's era. Could it be  
more perfect? So my thoughts are a bit random. I like it that way.  
"Need help?"  
I swiveled around in my chair and nodded silently at Craig. I must  
have looked totally disheveled and I couldn't wipe the little pout off of  
my face. Before I could do anything, Craig whipped his camera up and shot a  
picture of me. "Hey!" I covered my face with my hands, but too late.  
Craig took his camera off from around his neck and set it on a table,"Sorry. The artist in me saw something just now."  
"What? Me looking totally clueless?"  
"Well, it doesn't happen very often. I had to capture it."  
"Yeah, well make sure it's a Kodak moment."  
Craig leaned over my shoulder and clicked a few things on the  
computer screen. "You need to clear the hard drive. Here, all you have to  
do is go to control panel, click this icon, and it'll do it automatically.  
Then just hit okay. Got it?"  
"Yep. Thanks."  
"No problem, Eleanor."  
"You've got to be kidding me..." Now Craig was calling me Eleanor. I hate it. I sound so... old!   
Craig grinned and then pulled up a seat next to me. What was he  
doing? I can't concentrate, let alone work, when there is someone looking  
over my shoulder. Seriously, even I need my space sometimes. But Craig was  
not getting the looks I was giving him. He just continued to wait for me to  
begin working. Well, if I couldn't write in front of him, I could research.  
That was easy enough.  
"So, I have this huge project coming up at my co-op..."  
I sighed and leaned back in my chair before looking over at Craig.  
Where was this going? "And...?"  
"I get to actually take pictures for this clothing company's promo  
magazine. It's not as big as a normal magazine, but this is pretty huge  
stuff. If they like my stuff, they'll use it and I'll get credit."  
I raised my eyebrows, "That rocks. What do you have to do exactly?"  
"Well, I'm supposed to find a model who has a different look. I have  
to bring him or her into the studio and take pictures. I mean, the team  
will be there to help me. You know, there are people there who are interns  
for like makeup artistry and hairstyling... stuff like that... But, I don't  
know who to ask, you know? I really want someone who is going to make them  
say wow."  
I looked back at my computer out of the corner of my eye. Why  
couldn't the page load faster so I could get back to work?! I didn't even  
realize Craig was still rambling on about God knows what...  
"So will you?"  
"What?"  
"Help me out." Craig looked so earnest, almost pathetic. Help him out  
with what exactly? Maybe he just wanted my opinion. I mean, I'm pretty good  
with a camera myself. He probably just needed my creative opinion on a few  
things. What harm could it do? Not like I had much of a life anyway... "Sure.  
I'll do it."  
"Great! Thanks Ellie. I mean, you're going to look amazing. I swear,  
so don't' worry about that. And listen, I know Ashley will probably be a  
little upset that I didn't choose her as my model, but she'll understand  
once she sees the pictures. You have a more unique look, you know? She's  
too... out there... what you see is what you get. You're more mysterious..."  
I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Modeling? ME? Did I actually  
agree to do this? I watched as Craig just kept on talking and talking about  
the project and how excited he looked. I couldn't just flat out say no,  
right? That'd be way bitchy. What harm could it do? A few pictures,  
probably like five, bam, I'm done, his pictures don't get picked, and we go  
on living our normal lives.  
"Ellie? Are you okay?"  
I snapped out of my thoughts and looked at Craig. Oh God, he looked  
way too desperate. He probably realized that I had realized that I had just  
made a mistake. He thought I was going to back out. Hell, why not surprise  
someone for once?  
I smiled up at Craig and nodded, "Yeah. Totally fine. Cant' wait."  
Craig stood up amazed. "You're exactly what I need. You're smile.  
It's great! We're going to blow them away."  
I swallowed hard and widened my smile. I probably looked like a  
schizophrenic wacko to anybody walking past. After Craig closed the door to  
my office, my head fell onto the keyboard and I groaned. What the hell had  
I just gotten myself into? 


	9. It Just Keeps On Coming

Chapter 9: It Just Keeps on Coming  
  
Okay, so it was now Thursday night, and I had successfully avoided  
Craig since he had come up with that insane idea for his co-op. Every time  
I saw him, I managed to turn around and run the other way (oh so smoothly,  
of course) before he could say anything. I'm sure he was catching on-  
especially when I barreled over a few freshmen today. I rubbed my eyes  
before blinking down at the paper in front of me. I hate math. It's the one  
subject I actually have to try in to get a good grade.  
Looking at the clock, I realized I'd be pulling an all-nighter. There  
was just no way I could get all this homework done in a decent amount of  
time. It seems like this is how my life has been going lately. I go to  
school, I work on yearbook or the Grapevine after school, I go to my co-op  
for however long I'm needed, and then I go home to take care of my mother  
and then do all my homework. Lately, I've gained so much responsibility at  
the co-op, I've usually been working on it overtime. I don't really have  
the heart to tell Caitlin that I'm being overloaded. I don't want to sound  
like I can't hack it, but it's just really hard to be a normal teenager and  
the responsible adult of the household too.  
It's not like I'm about to go all psycho or anything. I think I'm  
handling it pretty well. I usually allow myself some time to do normal  
teenager things- like help Sean study or hear about Marco's latest date  
with Dylan or help Ashley with her newest guy problems- but when am I going  
to start doing stuff for me? I never get to do the stuff I want to anymore.  
I'm always helping some one out. For once, I'd like one day where I could  
just keep my schedule completely free and do whatever I want. I'd go  
vintage shopping or to an art gallery or just hang out at Marco's where  
everything seems so much simpler.  
The sound of the phone ringing brought me out of my thoughts  
abruptly. It was 10:00. My dad always called at 10:00. I made myself get  
out of my chair and walk over to where my cordless was. But I just couldn't  
pick it up. It was like there was some unseen force keeping my hand from  
reaching out for the phone. I knew it was my dad and I knew he wanted to  
tell me he loved me and he missed me and my mom, but I didn't want to hear  
it. I was sick of hearing his voice through some crackling reception  
thousands of miles away giving me all these empty promises- telling me he'd  
be home soon or that he was okay and it wasn't that bad over there. Then  
turning on the news to hear that, once again, troops had been bombed or  
more soldiers killed. My dad lied to me. He told me it was just a  
peacekeeping mission, and, like an idiot, I had believed him. It wasn't  
until we were discussing current events in history that I realized that it  
was an actual war over there. How stupid could I have been?  
I listened as the phone's rings became more insistent until finally  
they just stopped. I was pretty sure he'd try again an hour later. Maybe I  
would just take the phone off the hook. That way I could focus on all my  
homework and not be bothered. I could be selfish for once. I greedily  
snatched the phone cord and ripped it out of the wall. That felt really  
good.  
I would go and check on my mom one last time before I got started. I  
crept downstairs and saw her getting up from the couch. She turned off the  
TV and came towards the stairs, wobbling the entire time. As she took a  
step, she almost fell and I reached out to hold her arm. My mom looked at  
me and I had never seen her look so sad before. She just stared at me for  
what seemed like forever before brushing her hand and lips across my cheek  
and lightly pulling on a pigtail. I watched as she slammed her door shut.  
That had been the only affection my mom had shown me since my father left-  
maybe the most affection ever in my life.  
I ran into my room and slammed the door also. I couldn't think about  
my mom right now. About how sad she was or depressed and how it was  
affecting me. But I couldn't help it. I remembered how happy her and dad  
are when they're together. Like a couple of teenagers. It's not like  
they're that old anyway. My mom had me when she was 14. My dad was 16. They  
married promptly when she was 18 and have lived happily ever after since.  
Until my dad was first shipped off overseas. God, I didn't even want to  
think about this.  
I sat back down at my desk and desperately tried to concentrate on  
all the numbers floating in front of my face. My cell phone started to sing  
Canon in D. I sighed but answered it anyway.  
"Your phone's busy!" Ashley greeted.  
I tucked my knees under my chin and got ready for a long  
conversation, "Yeah, my dad called and him and my mom are, like, having  
some sort of schmoozefest over the phone. Totally lame."  
Ashley laughed. "Sounds cute to me. Are you okay? I barely saw you  
today. Craig asked about you."  
My face turned red and I closed my eyes. "Craig? Why is he asking  
about me?"  
"He said you're helping him out with his co-op thing. I think that's  
really great of you, Ellie. Totally awesome."  
"Oh yeah. Totally awesome. When did he tell you this?"  
"Oh, like yesterday, maybe."  
My mouth dropped slightly, "And you don't care?"  
"Why should I?"  
"Nevermind..."  
"So what are you doing tomorrow?"  
I racked my brain for my plans. Finally it hit me, "Sean and I are  
going to the mall."  
"Sean- the mall- shopping? Woah. Things must be serious."  
"Yeah, we're shopping for a ring. We're getting married."  
"Oh my God. Are you serious?"  
I rolled my eyes and cracked the first smile of the day. "I'm totally  
kidding. He wants to get this new CD. So he asked me to come along."  
Ashley and I talked for a while longer. By the time I got off the  
phone, it was nearing 11:30pm and my homework was nowhere near finished. I  
picked up my pencil again and clicked it a few times. I sighed, there was  
no doubt about it. I was going to look like hell tomorrow.  
I woke up the next morning with my head on top of my chemistry. Thank  
God I had finished it- at 4:00am. I knew as soon as I looked in the mirror,  
I'd want to scream. Sure enough, I did. I looked horrible. The bags under  
my eyes were overtaking my entire face and my hair stood up in all  
directions. Yeah, and I had less than an hour to fix myself. All I wanted  
to do was crawl back into bed.  
As I walked down the stairs to leave for school, I noticed my mom's  
door was still closed. I almost went back to wake her up for work, but  
decided against it. Maybe she had called in sick or just had the day off. I  
didn't want to disturb her, especially since she probably had the world's  
worst hangover.  
I made a point to stop at Marco's street and wait for him. Sure  
enough, there he was coming out of his house, looking like he had stepped  
off of the set of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. Whatever, he looked  
wonderful. He flashed me a smile before slipping on his trademark  
sunglasses. I swear, he wears those things at night.  
"Wow, Els. You're not looking so hot this morning." Marco teased me.  
"Haha. Like I don't know this. I didn't really sleep last night," I  
gave him a wry little smile. Wow, even Marco was telling me I looked  
horrible. All of a sudden, I wanted to run back home and spend a little  
more time on my makeup. Or at least wear something a little more... well, not  
so bland.  
"What kept you up?"  
"Where've you been? Only the monster pile of homework they've given  
us all week," I flipped a piece of hair back behind my shoulder.  
"Oh yeah. That. Gave me nightmares. Don't worry, Elle. I'm sure  
you're #1 student status is still intact. No one is close to beating your  
average."  
I grinned. I'm such a little apple-polisher even I amaze myself. It  
felt good to be better than everyone else in my grade, probably in the  
entire school. Before I knew it, I was standing in front of school. All of  
a sudden, my heart started to race. I had finished all of my homework last  
night, right? I quickly went over the checklist in my head. I was pretty  
sure. Still, I let out a shaky breath before walking through the doors. All  
I wanted was a hug from Sean.  
"Woah. What happened to you?" Sean squinted at my face.  
I lifted an eyebrow and breezed past him, "Good morning to you, too."  
Sean grabbed my arm, "Stop being so touchy. I was worried."  
I turned back around and he pulled me closer to him. I let a small  
smile escape my lips and I leaned in to kiss him. He tasted so good in the  
morning. Suddenly, our good morning kiss became a full make-out session in  
the middle of the hallway at school. Great, just what I wanted everyone to  
see to confirm their suspicions that maybe, in fact, I was a slut. But I  
couldn't pull away. Sean's impossible to pull away from.  
Then he broke away. I guess I'm not so irresistible. "So, you're  
going to be pissed."  
"Why?" I hated when he started things off like that.  
"I have to cancel our date tonight. I have to work on Simpson's car  
some more."  
I started walking to my locker. "Well, you have to do what you have  
to do. It's fine, but call me later, okay? "  
Sean squeezed my waist, "Sure. See ya."  
"Bye."  
It was 1:00am. Sean still hadn't called me. I was acting like a total  
crazed bi-polar girlfriend. I had to keep my cool. I shouldn't be acting  
this way. I glared at the clock one more time before trying to call Sean's  
cell phone for about the tenth time. I'm sure he wasn't working on  
Simpson's car this entire time.  
Still no answer. I flung the cell phone onto my bed and went out into  
the hallway. I had been working on this painting all afternoon that I  
hadn't even heard my mom come in. As I took a step downstairs, the phone  
rang. I ran back to my room and picked up the cordless.  
"Hello?"  
"Ellie?"  
"Sean! Where've you been? I've tried calling your cell phone like ten-  
"  
"Ellie. Shut up. You're going to be extremely pissed."  
I sat down on my bed and crossed my legs. Who the hell did Sean think  
he was telling me to shut up? "What?" I snapped.  
"I need your help. I'm in-"  
"What kind of help, Sean?" My eyebrows furrowed. What the hell could  
Sean gotten into now?  
"Jay needed my help. He was desperate. And I can't turn my back on  
one of the guys. He's been there for me. We're like brothers. So I had to  
help him. But we got caught. And now I'm in jail," the words flew out of  
Sean's mouth, but all I could hear was Jay, desperate, caught, and jail.  
I stood up quickly. "WHAT?"  
"Can you bail me out?" Sean whispered.  
I was seething. I wanted to kill him. "How am I supposed to bail you  
out?"  
"Do you have a credit card or anything? I mean, talk to your mom. I'm  
sure she'll let you."  
"Jesus Christ. You've got to be shitting me." I hung up the phone on  
Sean and stalked to my dad's study. He usually had a credit card sitting in  
there in case I needed it for an emergency. I figured my boyfriend being in  
jail counted as one.  
One hour later, I was standing with Sean on the sidewalk in front of  
the police station. I took one look at him with disgust and stormed away.  
"Ellie!" He chased after me. "Where are you going?"  
I whipped around to face him. "Are you stupid? Seriously! What were  
you thinking? Breaking and entering? What the hell is wrong with you. And  
if Jay is your 'brother', why did he run off and let you get caught? I  
can't believe you. You stupid fucking lowlife!" I screamed.  
Sean wouldn't even meet my eyes. Fair enough. I didn't even want to  
look at his sorry ass ever again. Once again, I had done someone else a  
huge favor. I was so sick of it. I was sick of always having to bail Sean  
out of trouble- his grades, with Mr. Simpson, his out-of-control parties,  
and now jail.  
"That's not fair, Ellie. You don't even know the whole story."  
"It must be one hell of a story if it ends up with you in jail and me  
wasting money on you."  
I couldn't believe he was following me. I began to walk faster, my  
heels making an impatient clicking sound every time they hit the sidewalk.  
What a way to waste a Friday night. I just wanted to go home. "Please,  
Sean. Just leave me alone, okay? I don't want to see you."  
Sean grabbed my elbow. "Okay, but just... are you breaking up with me?"  
My shoulders heaved and I shut my eyes. "No... I'm just really upset  
right now. You can understand that right?"  
"Yeah, I know. I'm sorry, Ellie. But thanks. I knew I could count on  
you."  
I shook my head. "Yeah, whatever. I'll see you later."  
As I walked home, my head cleared a little. I was still pissed off at  
Sean, but I didn't feel like I was going to fall apart. I just needed to  
stay away from him for awhile or else I'd probably blow up. Reaching my  
house, I realized I hadn't even gotten the mail when I came home. I pulled  
out a small pile of letters before walking into the house. Everything was  
as I left it and it felt strangely empty. I sifted through the mail and saw  
one with my name on it. No address, just my name. Weird.  
"Mom!" I called out. She had a few letters from some friends I thought she  
might want to see. But no answer. I shrugged and ripped the envelope of my  
letter. It was written on a tiny sheet of paper.  
------ I'm sorry. Love, mom.  
I read the note over and over again. I didn't get it. What was going on?  
Why was my mom sending me a note that said she was sorry? I kept the letter  
in my hand and ran up to her room. She'd have to explain this herself. I  
turned the knob to her door and walked in. It was completely dark. Flipping  
on the lights, I gasped.  
She wasn't there. The bed was neatly made. Everything looked as it  
normally did. Except, my mom's side of the closet was bare. Her drawers  
were empty. Her things from the bathroom were gone. I could barely grasp  
the concept in my head and my legs felt like they'd give out on me any  
second. I sat down on the bed and stared at the stupid note in my hand. She  
had left me. My mom had left. I didn't even know what to think. I quietly  
walked out of the room, leaving everything as it had been, and went into  
mine. I couldn't think. So I grabbed the nearest sharp object and cut. I  
cut out every memory of my stupid mom. 


	10. Sharp

Chapter 10: Sharp  
  
Sean's POV:  
I didn't talk to Ellie the entire weekend. I had tried calling, but  
she must have taken the phone off the hook because it was constantly busy.  
She wouldn't answer her cell phone or return any of my messages. I messed  
up. Really bad. I told her I had stopped hanging out with Jay and all those  
other "losers" and that I wouldn't steal anymore or anything bad. And what  
do I go do? Get caught by the cops. It was a stupid mistake. Jay and I  
broke through a window and started loading the car with anything we could  
get ours hands on- vcrs, dvd players, entertainment systems... Too bad the  
neighbors were watching the house while the owners were on vacation and  
called the police on us. And too bad I had been stupid enough to not run  
like Jay did.  
Ellie just doesn't get it, though. We don't all have everything we  
ever wanted handed to us on a silver platter. I can't go to daddy and ask  
for whatever I want. It just doesn't work that way. Jay and Towerz are who  
I got. And she's going to have to learn to deal. If she ever talks to me  
again, that is.  
I walked towards her locker, hoping she'd already be there and ready  
to make up. But she wasn't. So I waited. It took her fifteen minutes to  
arrive at school. By that time, I was sick of waiting and ready to leave  
when I saw her walking through the hall. She looked tired and haggard. Her  
skin looked almost lucid, grey. She had deep circles under her eyes, and I  
couldn't help but notice how loosely her jeans hung off of her. She looked  
like hell, and I had done this to her. I watched her as she came nearer and  
noticed me. The look of annoyance that flashed across her face as she  
waited for me to get out of her way so she could open her locker.  
"I'm sorry," I blurted out. Smooth, Cameron, real smooth. I sounded  
like an idiot. But I felt like one, so I guess that made sense.  
"Sorry for what? For embarrassing yourself, for using me, for..."  
"I never used you."  
She gave me wry little smile, "Yeah. Well, you didn't call me either  
until you needed me to bail you out of jail. I should have let you stay in  
there. I wonder who would have helped you out. No one."  
I sighed deeply. This wasn't as easy as I thought it would be. I  
hadn't expected her to hold a grudge this long. This was actually our first  
fight. I leaned against a nearby locker. "Listen, I'm really sorry. I don't  
know what else I can say. I'll pay you back. I really appreciate what you  
did, though. Thanks."  
She stopped pulling her books out and stared into her locker. I could  
tell she was silently repeating every word I said, ripping at every  
syllable, trying to find some hidden meaning. To see if I was sincere.  
Finally she looked me in the eye and I knew things would be alright.  
"You owe me big time. Like serious, major."  
I chuckled softly and just stared at her. She really was beautiful. I  
can't believe I had never noticed her until lately. I guess she had always  
just kept to herself. "You look really tired. What did you do all weekend?"  
Ellie shut the door to her locker and turned towards me. "Not much.  
Homework, hung out a bit with Marco and Ashley, that's pretty much it."  
Something in her eyes told me that wasn't just it, though. I looked  
her over again. I had never realized just how tiny she was. I reached my  
hand over and touched the skin that was exposed between her shirt and the  
top of her jeans. It was ice cold, but so soft. "You look run down.  
Seriously, Elle. You need to relax."  
Ellie shot me a quick smile. "I know. It's just lately everything has  
been so hectic. I barely have time to do anything- let alone sleep or eat."  
"We can always grab something to eat tonight. Make time. You need  
to."  
"You can come over. My mom's away working on this huge design project  
in New York. We'll study and order Chinese. Sound good?"  
I nodded and pulled her into a quick hug before I had to head off to  
class. I had to make myself let her go. I feel so good around her. No one  
has ever made me feel like this. Not Emma or Amy. I gave her a slight wave  
and turned to saunter down the hall towards English.  
As I turned the corner, I caught sight of Jay and Towerz heading my  
way. As always, Jay's arm was firmly placed around Alex's neck. He lifted  
his head in acknowledgement and stopped me. "We're going to a party  
tonight. Supposedly it's going to be good. You should come."  
"What? And get arrested again?" I shot out at him. Did he think he  
could get me in that mess and expect everything to be okay?  
"Why don't you let that go. So you got arrested. You spent like two  
hours in jail. It's done. Now, are you coming or not?"  
"I can't. I'm going over to Ellie's tonight. Plus, some of us need to  
get good grades to collect student welfare. You wouldn't know anything  
about that."  
"So you're dissing your friends to hang out with that priss?" Towerz  
bit back a laugh as Jay lifted an eyebrow to me.  
"At least she's not a pussy who runs shitless when he's caught. You  
don't know her."  
"Yeah, well I know that you've changed since you've gone out with  
her. I'm sick of her holier-than-thou attitude and how she has you wrapped  
around her finger. You're whipped."  
"I'm not whipped. Don't bring her into this." Jay was seriously  
hitting a nerve.  
"Oh really?" Jay laughed. "She says jump, you say how high. She says  
run and you say how far. All she has to do is crack her whip and you're  
doing whatever she wants you to do. It's pathetic. But whatever, if you  
want to be a goody-goody with her, be it. We're outta here."  
I watched as my so-called friends left. Before I would have been  
leaving with them, stealing something, skipping class, terrorizing some  
poor kid. I used to have a lot of fun. I mean, I wasn't a good kid, but I  
was having fun. Was I having fun now doing homework with Ellie all night  
and watching my every step around her? I tried to squelch that thought from  
my mind, but I couldn't. It just kept repeating itself over and over in my  
head the whole day. Was I her lapdog?  
I rang the bell to Ellie's house... er... mansion later that day. She  
should be home from her co-op by now. I stood back on my heels while I  
waited. After what seemed like forever, I heard her footsteps pattering  
down the stairs and to the door. She opened it and I lifted the corner of  
my mouth into a lop-sided grin. It was involuntary. I always smile when I'm  
with her.  
"Hey," she sounded breathless, and I took her appearance in. She had  
on an oversized sweatshirt that I recognized as one of mine and a pair of  
tiny shorts. She looked so cute. Ugh. I couldn't believe I had just thought  
the word "cute". It made me want to puke. But she did. I couldn't deny  
that. I stepped inside into the foyer and looked around. It was quiet and  
pretty dark. Impeccably clean.  
"Ready for homework?" She pointed at the backpack I had just placed  
down on the floor. No. I was not ready for homework. I never am. All I  
wanted to do was take her up to her bedroom and... well... Okay, I'm not just  
some little horny teenager... Don't get me wrong. Sex isn't all I think  
about. But I do think about it a lot. Especially when I'm alone with her.  
I shrugged- my signature move. "Sure."  
She lightly took my hand and led me up the stairs to her bedroom. I  
was relieved that she was actually touching me. After what had happened I  
figured she'd never want to look at me again. I didn't really see why she  
was so upset, but I knew she just wanted what was best for me. We walked  
into her room, and I let out a little laugh. "So, Miss Perfect Nash isn't  
up on cleaning her room?"  
Ellie gave me a look before smiling, "Yeah. I think it's a form of  
self-expression. But I do apologize for the mess. It's pretty bad."  
"Yeah, I hope I can find a spot on the bed..."  
"Let me help you," She took a pile of clothes and swept them onto the  
floor. "There!"  
I threw myself onto her bed and lay back. Before I knew it she was  
next to me, also staring at the ceiling. "Is it wrong that I don't answer  
the phone when my dad calls?" I looked over at her, but she continued to  
stare straight up.  
I put my hands behind my head. "I don't know. I've never been in the  
situation you're in. You're the only one who knows what is right."  
"I guess that's true. I feel so bad. It's like I'm screaming at  
myself to answer it and to talk to him, but I can't. I'm so afraid that  
he'll have more bad news for me- like he won't be coming home when he  
thought he was or something. I'm so stupid..."  
I turned over to my side and brushed a hand over her hair. "You're  
not stupid. You're scared. That's different." I couldn't believe how mushy  
I was sounding. Like such a wimp. I wanted to take my hand away from her  
and act distant and moody, but she brought out this horrible sensitive side  
I've always fought to keep at a distance. I hate this effect she has on me.  
She sighed heavily. "I guess. I still feel bad. Next time, I'll  
answer the phone no matter what."  
We lay there for a while longer before Ellie sat up and started to  
take her books out of her backpack. The last thing I wanted to do was to  
conjugate French verbs with her. Especially when she made me feel so  
inferior. It wasn't fair though- she was part French and had lived in both  
Montreal and France for part of her life. I grabbed a hold of her arm and  
pulled her back onto the bed again. She gave me an annoyed look and tried  
to get back up but I wouldn't let her. Finally, she just gave in and  
started to kiss me. And it wasn't just a let's-make-out-for-a-tiny-bit  
kiss, it was a deep, let's-forget-about-all-the-shit-in-our-lives kiss. And  
I loved every second of it- or minute of it.  
Suddenly, I felt her fingernails clawing at my shirt- pushing it up  
so she could feel my stomach. We broke our kiss for two seconds so I could  
pull my shirt over my head. Then again a few minutes later so I could take  
her sweatshirt and tank top off. She tangled her fingers into my hair,  
almost to the point where it hurt, but never quite getting there. I knew  
where this was leading so I reached for my wallet in the back pocket of my  
jeans to get a condom. The entire time we were having sex, we didn't break  
the kiss once. It was incredible, but also weird too. I never thought of  
Ellie as needy before, but tonight she seemed almost desperate and  
pleading. Not that I'm complaining because the sex was great. But right  
after we were done, Ellie hopped up and got out my French book and started  
drilling me. I wasn't even dressed, or over the wild sex, before she was  
shouting our verbs for me to conjugate. The entire time we studied that  
night, all I could think was: did Ellie just use me for sex?  
Ellie's POV:  
Okay, I'm a bad person. I was still incredibly mad at Sean for what  
he did, but I needed to feel wanted. I needed affection and someone to act  
like they loved me. Even freaks like me need a hug once in awhile. I knew  
he felt a bit weird after it, I could tell by his expression, but I didn't  
care. I had got off, that's all that mattered. "Sean, you have to know your  
basic verbs avoir, etre, aller, faire, etcetera... Seriously, how do you  
expect to pass French when you don't even know these?" He was driving me  
crazy. I wanted to just tear at his face with my fingernails. I was on  
edge, I admit. I mean, I had to help him study, do my own mountain of  
homework, work on this article for the Grapevine that Liberty expected by  
morning, clean up the house, and look for a job. Yes, I, Ellie Nash, the  
biggest, most spoiled princess ever, was looking for a job. Not just any  
job, I needed a job I could do after my co-op, which didn't leave too many  
choices. Especially considering I'm only like 15.  
"Can't we just quit for tonight. I just want to eat and chill for the  
rest of the night." Sean's whiny voice irritated the hell out of me. But I  
knew I was getting nowhere with him, so I might as well let him do what he  
wants.  
"Fine, I'll call the Chinese place," I grabbed the cordless and  
placed the order to be delivered. There he was again, giving me that weird  
look. Like he couldn't figure me out or something.  
Wasn't it obvious? I was falling apart. I was living by myself.  
Juggling being a teenager and my sole provider until my mom decided to  
breeze back into my life and my dad realized there was another war back at  
home. I was cutting more than ever lately. I tried to just reopen old cuts,  
but sometimes I got the better of me and just had to carve a new design  
into my skin. I could barely stand up, I was so exhausted. Even now I was  
leaning back against the wall to keep myself up. I wonder if Sean even  
noticed that I was breaking apart right in front of him.  
"Ellie? Are you okay?" Sean's voice was distant, I could barely hear  
it. But I heard the pity in his voice. I hate that.  
"I'm fine!" I spit out through my gritted teeth. I hate pity.  
There was that look again. That look he gives me- like I'm some sort  
of exhibit and he's studying me- trying to figure me out, but never quite  
getting it. I was furious. "Listen, Sean, I don't need your pity or  
anything, okay? Just leave me alone!"  
Sean stood up and walked over to me. "I didn't say anything. You're  
worrying me."  
"Get out!" I screamed. I pushed myself away from the wall and  
stumbled across the room towards my vanity. It was all I could do to keep  
myself from punching that damn mirror with my stupid reflection in it. I  
didn't know why I was getting so crazy. I knew Sean had meant nothing by  
it, but I couldn't help it. It was like I was watching myself- kind of like  
a train wreck. I was a train wreck. It was slow and horrifying and painful  
to watch.  
"El-"  
"GET OUT!" I grabbed a bottle of perfume and whipped it at his head.  
I didn't even know why. Sean looked at the broken bottle on the floor and  
then back up at me. He shook his head hard.  
"You're crazy," he muttered before grabbing his things and heading  
out the door.  
I collapsed onto the floor in tears. I just wanted to escape it all.  
I glimpsed a piece of the broken bottle to my right, but fought the urge to  
grab it. No, I would do something else. Something that wouldn't leave any  
marks. I opened the bottom drawer to my vanity and reached into the bottom  
of it and felt the little bag I kept in there. I'd allow myself just a  
little bit before I went back to my normal routine of being perfect.  
I licked my lips in anticipation and could feel a bead of sweat  
forming at my hairline. I hadn't realized how much I wanted it this whole  
time. I just wanted something I could control and have power over. I  
grabbed a mirror of the vanity, too, and poured a little of the powder onto  
it. Using a razor I formed the powder into a line before snorting it up. It  
felt like a million tiny pricks in my nose, but in a good way. In a way  
that left me feeling empowered and special. I made myself put the rest  
away. The last time, after I found out about the war, I had gone overboard  
and Marco had almost caught me. But he still had no idea. I couldn't let  
him find out. No one could find out. This was my little secret. 


	11. Taking Back What's Mine

**Chapter 11: Taking Back What's Mine**  
  
**Ellie's POV**  
  
I furiously started my walk home after my co-op. After what seemed  
like the worst day ever, I was finally free to just lay around at home. The  
teachers at school had miraculously given us no homework as some sort of  
student appreciation thing. This meant I could look for a job all night  
with no distractions. I especially wouldn't be distracted by Sean, since he  
wouldn't even look at me at school. Not that I blamed him... I did go pretty  
psycho last night. But it happens to everyone.  
"Ellie!" I groaned as I slowed down my pace so Craig could catch up  
with me. What did he want? "Hey, a bunch of us are getting together at  
Jimmy's tonight for pizza and movies. You should come."  
Pizza and movies at Jimmy's? When did I become such a social  
butterfly? I'm sure Marco put them up to it. But I wouldn't go anyways, I  
had too much to do... still, being carefree for one night couldn't hurt,  
right? It's not like I didn't have an obscene amount of money in my savings  
account. I could always use that until I found a decent job. "Sure. I'll  
come."  
Craig looked surprised at my answer. He must have figured I'd turn  
them all down and stay a recluse in my home. "You can bring Sean if you  
want."  
I almost laughed. Almost. I doubted Sean wanted anything to do with  
me at the moment. "It's okay. Sean has other plans."  
We walked in silence towards Jimmy's until Craig broke it. "So when  
did you want together to take those practice shots for the catalogue?"  
Another groan almost passed my lips but I squelched it. "Whenever is  
fine. You pick." I had seriously hoped that Craig had forgotten all about  
that. As if he could.  
"Well, I have to have them in by Monday so I was thinking maybe  
tomorrow. Wednesday is your day off from your co-op isn't it?" I looked at  
him in surprise. How did he know? "I asked Caitlin. Sorry. I'm not stalking  
you or anything."  
I smirked at him and then lifted a shoulder in response, "That's  
okay. After school?"  
"Yeah, I'll meet you at your locker and then we can walk over to the  
studio together."  
Yay. I ran my hand over the top of my hair and sighed. I do that a  
lot- sighing, I mean. "So, should I bring anything?"  
Craig shook his head, "No. We have all the clothes at the studio. I  
have a feeling this project is going to turn out great. I really want to  
impress my boss, you know?"  
I nodded and gave him a real smile. "I bet you do. That's how I feel  
with Caitlin. I can't stand making even a tiny mistake, but she's real cool  
about everything. She always tells me I'm doing a great job."  
"Yeah, Caitlin's a really nice person. I'm glad her and Joey are  
together. They're good for each other. He kind of grounds her and she kind  
of loosens him up a bit."  
"That's always good." I didn't know what else to say. It was weird  
talking about other people's relationships with Craig. Finally we reached  
Jimmy's apartment. I let out a sigh of relief and made sure I didn't have  
any eye contact with Craig the rest of the way up to the apartment. We  
arrived just as the pizza guy was leaving and everyone immediately dug into  
the pizza.  
I stood back from the crowd until everyone was finished getting their  
slices. I might as well grab one, I hadn't eaten anything all day. I picked  
up a plate and put a small piece of cheese pizza on it. As I sprinkled some  
crushed red peppers on it, Marco came to my side. "How are you doing, El?"  
I looked up at him and gave him a sad smile. "Well, my mom's barely  
ever home because she's working on some huge project, my dad is fighting in  
a war, and Sean is mad at me."  
"Sean's mad at you?" He took my hand and led me away from the others  
so we could talk better.  
I fiddled with the pizza on the plate, "Yeah... I got angry with him  
yesterday, and I think I scared him off. Imagine that, huh?" I couldn't  
help but add a dry laugh to the end of my sentence. I always find a way to  
mess up anything good that comes my way.  
Marco gave me a sympathetic look and was about to say something when  
I heard the loudest belch right in my ear. I cringed and looked over my  
shoulder to see Spinner standing there. "Are you girls done with your  
little girl talk? We'd like to start the movie."  
I gave Spinner a disgusted look and walked over to the couch with  
Marco. Marco took a seat next to Dylan, and I was stuck sitting next to...  
guess who... Craig. Craig looked up at me nervously as I sat next to him and  
leaned back into the pillows. I saw Hazel and Paige give each other a look  
before looking at me and Craig. Then they giggled. What they were giggling  
about, I don't know. But it was real annoying.  
I spent the entire night sitting as far away from Craig as possible  
while he slowly inched his hand closer to mine. The poor boy was breathing  
so heavy, I'm sure the doorman could hear him. He kept asking me weird  
questions like "Are you okay?", "Are you enjoying the movie?", and "Are you  
scared?". All I wanted, was to watch the movie without worrying about Craig  
making moves on me. Good thing Ashley wasn't there or she'd go all psycho  
on me.  
After the movie ended (it sucked by the way), I decided I was going  
to call it a night rather than stay for what Paige called "girl talk"  
between the girls. Gross... As I headed out the door, I felt someone's hand  
grab my shoulder. All I was thinking was "Please don't let it be Craig".  
And guess who it was? Craig!  
"Do you want someone to walk you home?" He asked me eagerly.  
Didn't he get the message? Did he need me to spell it out for him  
that I wasn't interested in him that way? I shook my head silently before  
walking out. Maybe I'd go see Sean. Apologize for the way I acted- if he'd  
even let me in the door.  
By the time I reached Sean's, it was starting to get pretty late. He  
had to be home. If he was even out with Jay or Amy I'd kill him. He had a  
major science test coming up that he needed to ace. I gave his door a sharp  
knock and ran my hands down my clothes to smooth any wrinkles that had  
formed from my excursion from the "good" side of town to the "bad" side.  
After a few seconds I could hear his footsteps nearing and a huge smile  
just broke across my face. He was home. He wasn't out getting in trouble. I  
had been so worked up I hadn't even noticed the other cars in the driveway  
or how loud the music from his stereo was playing. Was he having a party?!  
Sean threw open the door, beer in hand, and a grin on his face. My  
own smile fell from my face, "Sean?"  
He rolled his eyes and walked out onto the porch with me. "What do  
you want, Ellie?"  
My eyes glanced between his face and the beer. "What's going on?  
You're having a party now?"  
"What? Am I not allowed to have fun without you? Or at all, since you  
were never much fun in the first place. Listen Ellie, the whole world  
doesn't revolve around you, and I can do whatever I want. So don't lecture  
me about anything."  
I clenched my fists until my fingernails tore into my palm, "I  
wasn't! I just asked you if-"  
I was cut off by the door opening and Amy tumbling out, grabbing onto  
Sean's neck to keep herself out. "Seannie-poo! Come back in, we were just  
getting started!"  
I looked with disgust at her arms snaked around Sean's neck. They  
were massaging the tense muscles in his neck. That was my job. HER hands  
were touching my man. I tried to calm myself down, but I couldn't. I had  
had enough of her trying to come in between me and Sean. Then I watched as  
she actually leaned in and kissed Sean. Before I could even blink, I had  
that bitch down on the floor of the porch. "What were you just starting?  
Huh? Answer me!" I backhanded her across the face- tame, but effective.  
"Get off of me!" She sputtered, clawing at my hair.  
I wrenched her arms out of my hair and pinned them to the ground  
while I screamed in her face- calling her anything I could think of, asking  
her what the hell she was doing with my boyfriend, everything that I ever  
had wanted to say to her, I said. She wrestled her hands free from mine and  
scratched me across the face. "You stupid vampire!" She spat at me.  
That was it. That broke the straw. I brought my right arm back and  
punched her across the face. I hoped that I had broken that perfect nose of  
hers. Then I just grabbed the sides of her hair and shook her head around  
while tears spilled from my eyes. I didn't even realize I was crying until  
I saw them drop onto her. Every time I hit her or pulled her hair, I  
thought of a time when someone had ignored me, or lied to me, or abandoned  
me, or made fun of me. Most of all, I remembered every time someone  
whispered "vampire" as I walked into a room. I was crying so hard by then I  
couldn't even breathe.  
Finally, one of the spectators made a grab for me. It took Jay,  
Towerz, and Sean to wrench me off of Amy. She just looked up at me, blood  
streaming from her nose and a black eye already starting to form. I could  
feel the scratch marks from her nails on my cheek, but I knew they weren't  
as bad as the ones I had left on her face. I sobbed and tried to run away,  
but Sean pulled me towards him. "Leave me alone, Sean! Let me go!" I tried  
to push away from him, I hit against his chest, but finally I just gave up  
and collapsed in even more tears. He enveloped me in a hug and just stroked  
my hair. "Party's over," I heard him mutter and pretty soon everyone was  
gone except for me and him.  
Sean sat me down on the porch stairs and examined my face. I couldn't  
even look him in the eye until I remembered how Amy had been throwing  
herself at him in front of me. I met his glance. "Did you want her  
tonight?"  
"What?" He asked incredulously.  
I drug a fist across my eye, "Did you want her? Amy? Did you want her  
tonight?"  
Sean grabbed my hands and squeezed them, "No! No, of course not. That  
was all her, not me."  
I looked away, "Good. Because if you had... I've been hurt before,  
Sean. Seriously hurt. I don't like cheaters."  
Sean took my face and turned it towards his, "I would never hurt you.  
You don't understand how much I care about you."  
I just looked at him. He seemed to be telling the truth. We both  
needed each other in our lives. We had connected that Saturday morning and  
now we were just helping each other survive life. I broke out into a teary  
smile. "I am so stupid. I should have known..."  
"No. What you did. That was good. You need to stand up for yourself  
like that more often."  
"If I ever hear anyone say vampi-"  
Sean hushed me and pulled me towards him. His lips brushed against  
mine and I smiled against his mouth. There was no way I could ever let this  
feeling go. So what if I was going to go to school tomorrow with red  
scratches all down my face and bruises? If this is what it was over, it was  
all worth it. Plus, Amy was going to look even shittier.  
  
**Marco's POV**  
  
So the rumors are true. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. I stood by  
the entrance to school and waited for Ellie and Sean to catch up. For  
someone who was in a fight, Ellie sure looked happy. Of course, she must  
have won. I cleared my throat and she looked over at me. "So, Ellie. I hear  
you got pretty wild last night?"  
She rolled her eyes- her trademark move- and shrugged it off. Which  
only meant that it was true. Sean raised her arm in a victory movie, "Yeah,  
and she kicked some ass."  
I laughed and shook my head in disbelief. Here I thought Ellie was  
some sweet girl, and here she was getting in fights. "So that's why you  
left Jimmy's so early. Everyone was wondering what had happened. Now I can  
tell them something more interesting."  
Ellie rolled her eyes –again! -, "Please. Nobody cared that I left.  
Least of all, you! You were too busy flirting with Dylan!"  
I noticed that for a split-second she looked hurt and her tone was  
almost accusatory. But I decided to just let it go. It wasn't easy for her  
to see me with Dylan, I was sure. I wiggled my eyebrows, "Yeah, well, Craig  
sure cared." With that I ran off laughing to myself. Leave Ellie alone to  
fill Sean in on all the details.  
Oh and what a coincidence! There was Craig now, shooting down the  
hallway like a man on a mission. He stopped when he saw me and waved.  
"Marco! Have you seen Ellie?"  
I smirked slightly, but then put an innocent look on my face. "Oh,  
she's with Sean."  
"Sean?"  
"Yeah, they're kind of going out. Steady."  
"Having hot, steamy sex!" Spinner added in as he walked up behind  
Craig.  
I glared at him, "That's personal."  
"Eh, everyone already knows. It's no secret."  
I noticed that Craig's face had gotten a little green since that last  
comment by Spinner. Man, this guy was seriously crushing. I waited until  
Spinner finished his small talk and left before asking Craig about it. "So,  
what's with you and Ellie?"  
Craig looked surprised, "Nothing! Nothing's going on. I'm just  
photographing her."  
"And why her?"  
"What do you mean?"  
"Well, she's gorgeous, but it's not like you guys are really good  
friends or anything. I just figured you'd pick Ashley before anyone else."  
Craig shook his head as he opened his locker, "Ashley's not different  
enough... Plus, I don' t know..."  
"Plus, you have a crush on a certain girl named Ellie?"  
"Yeah..." Man, this kid looked totally helpless. I had to stop myself  
from laughing.  
"Okay, Craig. I'm just going to lay it out. Ellie's found herself  
someone who really makes her happy. Don't mess that up."  
"I never said I was going to mess it up," he snapped back at me.  
I looked towards the ceiling than back at him, "I know. But listen.  
I've never seen her like this before. Sean's good for her. Just don't  
confuse her. She has enough crap going on in her life."  
Craig bit his lip and then nodded in agreement. "You're right. I  
won't tell her."  
"Thank you!" I was relieved. I did not need Ellie calling me at three  
in the morning over some boy troubles. Our 1:00 AM-Ellie's-bored-out-of-her-  
mind-conversations were bad enough. Then I thought of something, "Hey  
Craig? Also, if you do anything about this little crush- Ashley will get  
pissed off. And she will take it out on Ellie. Keep that in mind."  
Craig didn't meet my eye but he nodded again. I figured that would  
keep him quiet. If he liked Ellie he wouldn't want to get her in trouble  
with her friends. Ellie may not think I pay attention to her anymore, but I  
do a lot of work behind the scenes to try and make her life as simple as I  
can. I quickly jotted down in my planner a reminder to call her later. We  
really needed to have a quality telephone conversation. I closed my locker  
and sighed. Hopefully at a decent time. 


	12. Discarded

**Chapter 12: Discarded  
  
Ellie's POV  
**I didn't see Amy at all in the halls today. Either she didn't come to  
school or she was careful to avoid me. Whatever. I wasn't about to start  
anything else with her, unless she gave me reason to. This may sound  
totally lame and unconventional coming from me, Queen of the Outcasts, but  
I actually enjoyed all the attention I received today. I guess it reminded  
me of how my life used to be- totally in the spotlight and being paid  
attention to. Granted, I never really had any real friends besides Zeke and  
Chas back at Rookwood- but I was given all this attention. It didn't matter  
whether the attention was good or bad, I loved it.  
The last bell rang, sounding the end of the school day, and I grabbed  
my notebook and textbook and stuffed them into my backpack. Next stop: my  
locker. I had almost completely forgotten that today was Wednesday and I  
was supposed to meet Craig until I saw him leaning up against my locker.  
"Excuse me," I muttered and I quickly took the lock off and grabbed the  
books I needed. "Okay, I'm ready."  
Craig smiled, "Great. I'm really excited. I can't wait to actually  
learn all the techniques and stuff I've learned."  
I nodded but kept my head down. Okay, maybe Craig wasn't crushing on  
me. I mean, it seemed innocent now, right? Maybe he was really just excited  
about taking pictures, doing something he loved. But when I interviewed  
someone for Caitlin, did I try and grab their hand about 13 times? No, but  
maybe Craig was just a touchy-feely sort of guy.  
I hadn't even realized Craig had been blabbing the entire time with  
some sort of camera talk. He probably figured I was listening intently  
considering I have an interest in photography too. I just made sure to keep  
nodding whenever he paused or add in a "that's cool" or "yeah" whenever it  
seemed necessary. Finally, finally, finally we made it to the studio.  
I took a deep breath as I looked at the building. It was funky  
looking, very modern. Craig had certainly lucked out. We walked inside and  
Craig checked us in before taking me back to a large room. There were tons  
of props and "settings" strewn around everywhere, it was obvious someone  
had just finished up in there and forgotten to organize.  
"Ellie, this is Tasha, Nicole, and Breck. They do makeup, styling,  
and hair so they're going to be helping you while I set up the place."  
Oh great. I got to have my own personal crew to help me look  
presentable. I gave them a friendly (or as friendly as I could manage)  
smile and followed them into a small room with racks and racks of clothing  
and a vanity. Tasha pointed towards the clothes, "You'll be modeling the  
summer and fall fashion line for Taylor Ford's HONEY line, mmm-kay?"  
Ohmigod. Did she really just say "mmm-kay"? Was that even a word? I bit my  
lip to keep myself from laughing and replied back, "mmm-kay."  
By the way, what was Craig thinking? Did I look like someone who  
modeled a HONEY line? He must be crazy. Although I did see one skirt I  
really liked just from glancing. I watched as Tasha painstakingly miss and  
matched different clothes to find the right outfit. Finally she handed me a  
pair of jeans and a plaid flannel button up with a tank top. Yeah, plaid  
flannel can be quite atrocious but this shirt was actually pretty cute. I  
put on the jeans- not totally into how super tight they were (cutting off  
the circulation to my head isn't my idea of fashion sense) and a little  
self-conscious of how I looked in them. Next I tucked my little flannel  
shirt into the jeans and checked it out in the mirror. It'd work. Tasha  
briskly rolled up the sleeves to make the shirt ¾ sleeve and wrapped this  
huge brown belt around my waist, never mind the fact that I'm quite capable  
of dressing myself. I tried to ignore my growing annoyance while that  
Nicole girl and Breck fixed my makeup and hair- as if it didn't already  
look awesome. Seriously, that girl took off all my makeup and then just  
fixed it up exactly how I had had it.  
"Wow... you look great..." was Craig's response when I walked up to him.  
I practically had to will my eyes to stop them from rolling. It was  
excruciating, but I did it. "Okay, now just go and sit on that chair. And  
just hang out, okay? I'm going to take probably like ten posed pictures and  
five candids. So act normal."  
Normal? Did Craig realize what was normal to me? Normal was a razor  
in my hand, snorting coke, and staring at my ceiling every night trying to  
pinpoint the exact moment when my life started to suck. I never could  
figure it out, though. I took a seat in the chair and waited for Craig to  
finish whatever he was doing. Me just lounging in the chair must have  
looked pretty special because Craig's artistic eye went on overdrive and he  
just started snapping away. I was a little shocked at first since he hadn't  
given me a warning, but, to be honest, I started getting into it. It's nice  
to pretend to be someone else once in awhile. Or every day...  
I turned to my side and tilted my head back with a little pout. I was  
getting pretty good at this. Okay, I was totally flirting with the camera.  
I'm sure Craig was loving this. I'd let myself tease his sick little  
fantasies a bit more before I became all mopey again.  
"Okay, now I need a few of you smiling. Yeah, how about a real  
smile."  
I grimaced, "It takes a lot to get a real smile from me."  
"Well, think of something that makes you smile. Think of how you felt  
when you beat out Paige for your co-op."  
Okay, that brought a huge smile to my face. Just thinking of how  
cocky she had been and seeing her face when Mrs. Suave said my name instead  
of hers still made me want to giggle. It served her right- acting like she  
was so much better than me, pitying me, trying to sabotage my chances. I  
was enjoying reliving this moment in my life that I hadn't even noticed  
that Craig had come even closer, doing a few close-up shots.  
He stopped suddenly and set his camera on the floor. "You're really  
pretty, you know that?"  
My mouth dried up and I lowered my eyes. What a jerk. How could he  
say something like that? Suddenly, his hand was on my cheek and lifting my  
face to his. Oh God... He was going to kiss me. I knew it. I flashed back to  
a few years ago... I used to make out with random guys every weekend, one  
after the other. I rarely had serious boyfriends. By the time I was ready  
to call any of them serious, I would find out that they had been cheating  
on me the entire time. What was it like for them? Did they even care about  
me or the fact that they were hurting me? Why did I even bother getting  
involved with guys when I knew that, in the end, I'd just get hurt? Was  
Sean going to be any different... probably not. So why waste any more time?  
Before I could even stop myself, I touched my mouth against Craig's  
and started to kiss him. It wasn't a passionate kiss or a soul-searching  
kiss- nothing compared to Sean- but it was... nice, for lack of a better  
word. But as soon as it began, it ended. I pushed Craig away and turned  
from him. I was the worst girlfriend in the world. I kissed Craig.  
Craig tried to catch my eyes, "What? Why'd you stop?"  
I started to get up, "Because that was wrong. I'm not interested in  
you at all." I sighed, "Craig, why this sudden interest in me?"  
Craig's mouth hung open for awhile, as it frequently does I realized,  
"Because... well... you're nice. And you're smart. You're different."  
"And I also have a boyfriend. And I care about him a lot and I just  
fucked up things real bad. You have no idea... I hope the pictures turn out  
okay."  
I left him sitting there on the floor watching me as I ran out. I  
seriously needed to talk to someone. I couldn't talk to Ashley. This was  
Craig! Sean was out of the question, although I'd have to tell him  
sometime. I'd talk to Marco. He'd help me out.  
  
**Marco's POV  
**  
I heard my mom calling my name from downstairs, but I was too busy  
organizing my books alphabetically to even care to answer. I was getting  
close to the end and had no intention of stopping for even a second. That  
is until my door banged open and Ellie rushed in. She looked incredibly  
upset and worried. "What's wrong, El?" Immediately I jumped up and went  
over to her.  
"I messed up. Bad."  
"What's wrong? Did something happen?"  
She collapsed on my bed. Knowing her, this could be a crisis where  
either a split end had appeared (yes, Ellie was so conscious of her hair  
that even Paige would be proud. Hell, she beat out Paige in that  
department.) or she had heard bad news about her father. She mumbled  
something so low I couldn't even understand it. "You're going to have to  
repeat that and louder this time."  
"I kissed Craig."  
I felt like I had been kicked in the stomach. That's how I had felt  
the first time I heard her and Sean were getting together. I mean, this was  
Ellie. This was my soul mate. We were meant for each other and she was  
moving on. I knew it wasn't fair to expect her to pine away for me her  
entire life while I went out with guys, but I had still felt like I had  
lost something. Even though I'm gay, it still hurt me to see Ellie with  
another guy. She was all I had ever wanted, but that whole dream became  
impossible. But this was something else. This was huge. Ellie had kissed  
Craig, and all I could think was that I had specifically warned Craig, but  
maybe I should have been warning Ellie.  
"You hate me. You can't even look at me. I'm an idiot. A moron. I  
deserve to lose everything. What kind of girl in her right mind kisses  
another guy when she has someone perfectly good for her?"  
I didn't know how to answer. Anyway, she didn't even give me a chance  
to. "I'll tell you what kind of girl- someone like me. Someone who messes  
up things on purpose because they're so fucking scared of something  
actually turning out right for them. Things with Sean were going well,  
really well, and I got scared, okay? Nothing ever turns out right for me. I  
always end up getting hurt. I figured, if I was the one who ended it, I  
wouldn't be hurt, right?"  
"I don't kn-"  
"It doesn't even matter, though. You know? It's not like Sean and I  
were destined to last. I mean, we would eventually break up and I'd be  
heartbroken and he'd find himself another girl. I mean, it's not like I  
even actually cared for him that much, right? He was just someone to have  
fun with. Just a little high-school relationship. It's not like I was  
falling for him or anything. Because that would be crazy, right? I mean,  
this is me. And he's Sean. We're not supposed to be together. It's against  
world order. It totally breaks logic. Ellie plus anyone equals disaster.  
Who wants that fairytale ending, anyway? Right? It's so cliché. It's not  
like I was drawing little hearts over all my notebooks with our initials  
and stuff in them. Okay, so I did in like a few notebooks, but they don't  
count. I mean, class was totally boring, so I had to entertain myself by  
doing something. I'm just not the kind of girl who does this. I don't think  
about what Sean would like me to wear each day or if Sean thinks I look  
better in pigtails or a ponytail or whether or not Sean likes chocolate  
chip or peanut butter cookies better. Because I'm not baking him cookies,  
mind you. Except for that one time, but I was initially baking them for  
myself when I realized that maybe I shouldn't be eating cookies, so I had  
to do something with them so I gave them to him. That's the only reason why  
I ever baked him cookies. That and because he needed a little reward for  
how well he's doing in school. Did you know he aced his last two tests?  
He's really working hard, and I'm so proud of him because before he was  
practically failing every class and you know how I am about grades. I turn  
into some sort of monster when it comes to school and he knows this, but he  
puts up with it. And no one else would ever put up with half the shit I've  
done except for him. So it kind of hurts that I've let him down by doing  
this horrible thing by kissing Craig. I didn't even want to kiss Craig. It  
just kind of happened. And it was over after like two seconds. So it's not  
really even a real kiss, you know? It was like a friendly little peck. It  
doesn't even count. So maybe I shouldn't be getting so worked up about  
this..."  
I just started laughing. Ellie was pacing around my room like a  
madwoman. I couldn't help it. I'd seen her worked up over a lot of things,  
but this took the cake. It was so painfully obvious to anyone else that  
Ellie was hopelessly in love with Sean and vice versa. The only ones who  
didn't see this were the two themselves. And deep down I knew that if Ellie  
just explained to Sean what happened, most likely he'd forgive her in an  
instant. Ellie stopped ranting and looked at me... okay, more like glaring.  
"What are you doing?" She cried.  
"I'm laughing. You're being so dramatic right now, do you know that?"  
I stood up from my spot on the bed and walked over to her, before she  
completely ruined the book she was bending in her hands. Ah, Catcher in the  
Rye. Wait, how had I missed that one before? It should have been put on the  
shelf along time ago... God, what was I thinking? Ellie was ready to have a  
nervous breakdown here and I'm worrying about whether or not I'd be able to  
pry the book away from her hands. After I saw the desperate and wild look  
in her eyes, I figured I'd just let her demolish the book. I could always  
buy a new one.  
Ellie furiously threw the book down to the floor. "Okay, for once can  
you not laugh at me or tell me I'm dramatic. I'm having a really hard time  
right now, and all you can do is make fun of me. We're supposed to be best  
friends, compadres, amigos... get it? I complain to you about how sucky my  
life is, and you find out a way to make it all better. That's how this  
relationship works. Now will you please help me find out a solution as to  
what the hell I'm going to do next?"  
I picked the book up off the floor and calmly shelved it with the  
rest. "Ellie, amigo, compadre... what you are going to do is tell Sean what  
happened. Just tell him. And then tell him it was a mistake, you didn't  
mean to, it meant nothing... basically everything you just told me."  
"I know this Marco, but I need a back-up plan. I mean, what if he  
totally rips me apart and tells me he hates me? I need some other way to  
get him back."  
I gave her a look, "I thought you didn't really like him that much?"  
Ellie crossed her arms and pouted a little as she looked at the  
ground, "Okay... so I like him a little more than I'm letting on. But... just a  
little."  
"Whatever. You're completely infatuated with him. In love. Ellie Nash  
is in love." I joked. I knew she wouldn't find this funny, but I was living  
dangerously these days.  
As if on cue, Ellie flung herself at me and knocked me down. We  
pretend wrestled for a bit until I realized that maybe she wasn't all just  
playing when she started to knee me in places that weren't meant to be  
kneed. I gasped and covered myself while she rolled over onto her back-  
with an angry sigh, of course. "You think you are so funny, Del Rossi. My  
life is ending as we speak."  
"Oh, I didn't realize Sean was your life."  
Ellie rolled over onto her stomach and buried her head into the  
carpet, talking the entire time. I didn't have the heart to tell her I  
couldn't understand a muffled word she was saying. Finally she turned her  
face to look at me and I realized she had some fresh tears in her eyes.  
"I'm really scared, Marco. I didn't realize how much I cared for Sean until  
I decided to throw it away."  
I wiped a tear from her eye. "You know what they say, Elle. You  
don't' know what you have until it's gone." After I said those words, I  
realized that maybe they weren't so comforting. They sorta implied that  
Ellie would, in fact, be losing Sean. I shook my head and got help, lending  
a hand to her, "You're going to have to tell him, Ellie. Now would probably  
be the best time."  
Ellie accepted my hand and I helped her up. She let out a deep breath  
and gave me a sad smile. "I guess so. I'll call you later, Marco."  
"I'll be waiting."  
"Thanks, Marco."  
She gave me a huge hug and I rubbed her back as I buried my head into her  
hair. "Hey, no problem, Ellie. I'd do anything for you."  
She pulled back and walked towards the door. "Ditto," she called back over  
her shoulder. I grinned and watched from my window as she started to walk  
down the street in the direction of Sean's house. I have to admit, I was  
pretty worried. Part of me felt that Sean wasn't going to take it as well  
as I led her to believe. But then again, the other part, it told me that  
Sean was in love with Ellie and would understand. I hoped that part was  
true.  
  
**Sean's POV**  
  
"In a second!" I bellowed as knocks sounded on my door for the fifth  
time. Didn't anyone understand that some people take showers around here? I  
wrapped a ratty old towel around my waist, completely ignoring the new,  
fluffy towels Ellie had brought over. I mean, come on, they were pink... I  
still have some dignity left.  
I undid the locks on my door and opened it. Ellie stood there, her  
arms wrapped around her, and looking totally disheveled. I wondered if she  
had had another run in with Amy. She stepped in without saying a word, not  
even meeting my eye. "Ellie? Are you okay?"  
She laughed softly. "You've been saying that a lot lately, haven't  
you? Jesus Christ..." Her voice died down and bit her lip.  
Now she was starting to scare me. "Come on, El. What's going on?"  
"Okay, I'm just going to say it. But you're not going to like it.  
Pretty much you'll probably hate me. But just know that I'm sorry..."  
"What is it?" I asked impatiently.  
"I kissed Craig." She finally looked me in the eye and I felt all the  
air go out of my stomach. Did I really just hear her right? Did she  
actually say that she kissed Craig? She cheated on me?  
I looked away from her. How could she do that to me? "You slut," I  
spat at her before walking across the room and opening the door to the  
porch. "Get out."  
Ellie let out the breath she had been holding, I guess while waiting  
for my response. "I deserve that. I deserve worse than that. But hear me  
out."  
"I don't have to listen to a single damn word you say."  
"Actually you do. If you cared about me at all you would let me  
explain. I'm sorry. I don't know why I did it. I just did. And it meant  
nothing. It lasted a second, if that."  
I laughed dryly, "Same difference. You kissed Craig. It doesn't  
matter how long it lasted, you still did it. You're still a cheater. I  
can't believe after all the shit from you that I've put up with, this is  
how you repay me."  
"That's not fair, Sean. Just listen!"  
"I heard you! You're sorry! That doesn't erase what happened, "I  
screamed at her. She flinched and backed away from me. Good. I liked  
scaring her. I didn't care that all these conflicting emotions were arising  
in me. I wanted more than anything to tell her it was okay and hug her, but  
I couldn't just let her get away with this. She had to learn a lesson.  
"I know it doesn't," How the hell was she staying so calm while I was  
breaking down? "But I am sorry. And it'll never happen again. And I hate  
myself for doing this to you. But you need to forgive me. We need to make  
this work. You don't understand how much I need-"  
"Shut the hell up, you bitch. You think just because you waltz in  
here, bat your eyelashes, and tell me it'll never happen again, that I can  
just forgive you? You betrayed me. You kissed another guy- a guy who used  
to be my best friend. I can never forget that. How can I look at you  
again?"  
"Because we care about each other a lot. Because you want it to work  
just as much as I do. Tell me you want this to work."  
I shook my head and watched the hopeful look on her face turn  
crestfallen. Why couldn't the words in my head just come out? Why was I  
saying all these horrible things to her when I was thinking about how much  
I wanted to just be with her.  
"Please Sean. That kiss meant nothing. It meant nothing and you mean  
everything."  
"You don't mean shit to me." There. I said it. I knew that would hurt  
her more than anything and it did. She choked back a sob before running out  
of my house defeated. How could I have just lied to her? She meant the  
world to me.  
When I went to bed that night, all I could think of was what went  
wrong. We had been so happy and then all of a sudden things just started to  
unravel. I think it started with that phone call from her dad, telling her  
it was a much worse war than they thought. That he'd be staying longer.  
Then she just started being so over controlling. She made schedules for me  
as to when I would study and when I could take a two-minute break to  
stretch and when I could take my fifteen-minute dinner break. She started  
to organize my locker, my room, my closet, everything. She alphabetized the  
three boxes of cereal in my pantry. She'd make lists of everything I was  
going to do on Saturday and Sunday and Monday. Then she went psycho on me  
that one night in her room. Throwing perfume at me and then showing up at  
my house during the party and beating Amy up. It was like she wasn't the  
same Ellie I had seen during the detention. She was obsessive-compulsive  
and neurotic and everything that I had always disliked. She wasn't laid-  
back and carefree as I had thought. Shit, she was worse than Emma.  
But still she had been the epitome of what was perfect. She had all  
the answers to every question. She got straight A's, she could go to  
school, then to a co-op, and still find time to obsess over my life before  
going back to hers, she was the best friend anyone could have. She was  
beautiful and mysterious and a genius and I couldn't believe that she would  
want to waste her time on a loser like me. I had almost started to idol her  
and then she shows me that maybe she isn't as perfect as I thought. And  
that tore at me. I had built up this huge impression of her and now it was  
being ripped apart.  
I put my hands behind my head and stared at the ceiling. Maybe I had  
been too hard on her. I mean, she had had the balls to come and tell me to  
my face what she did. I had to give her that. She didn't try and hide it  
from me. That took a lot of courage, especially since she knew how bad my  
temper could be. Plus, she put up with a lot from me. I mean... I steal  
things, I hang out with people like Jay and Towerz, I drink too much, I  
punched a hole in my wall during an argument with her over my grades one  
night, I made her bail me out of jail... all of a sudden, realizing all these  
things I had done and she had put up with, made me realize what an idiot I  
had been. Here she was, taking care of me, giving me fucking towels,  
tutoring with me, helping me get A's in school and earning respect from  
teachers, and I'm breaking up with her because she kissed Craig.  
I hopped out of bed and threw some clothes on. I wasn't going to let  
things end between Ellie and I. I needed her too damn much to let her get  
away. I was going to go to her house tonight and show her how much I cared  
about her. Hopefully she'd take me back.

_Thanks for all the wonderful reviews! Hopefully I haven't let down any Sean/Ellie shippers! I'll be updating real soon. _


	13. Together

**Chapter 13: Together  
  
Ellie's POV**  
I couldn't believe what an idiot I was. Here I had something so  
perfect and I fucked it up. I slammed the door shut behind me and took a  
look around. This is what my life had become: an empty house where my only  
sense of control was alphabetizing DVDs, counting my calorie intake, and  
tearing at my skin. My mouth felt dry and my throat was scratchy. I  
silently walked past the bottles of vodka and tequila telling myself over  
and over again that I wasn't going to cry. I put a teapot on the stove and  
turned it on. After I had my tea, I'd do my schoolwork, my co-op work, and  
everything was going to be fine. I realized as I listened for the whistling  
of the kettle that Marco had told me to call him. How could I call him? He  
had told me everything would be okay and it wasn't.  
I hurried upstairs to change out of these stupid modeling clothes.  
All they did was remind me of how stupid I had been, what a screw-up I was.  
I grabbed an oversized t-shirt from my bed by instinct and threw it on. I  
didn't realize till I was ready to walk out of my room that it was Sean's t-  
shirt. I kept it on anyways. I'd hang onto false hope for a while longer  
before returning to reality.  
I scrambled down the stairs as soon as I heard the pot go off. I  
couldn't stand that noise. I slid into the kitchen and immediately ran for  
the stove. If I heard that whistle for one more second I was going to  
scream. I reached for the potholder to quickly and clumsily causing my left  
hand to bump up against the bottom of the teapot. I gasped as searing pain  
spread up my hand to my arm. Christ, that hurt. My thoughts immediately  
left my trouble with Sean and geared towards the nurturing of my throbbing  
hand. After a few minutes of running my hand under water, I realized that I  
hadn't thought of Sean for five minutes. Five whole minutes of not feeling  
anything but my hand throbbing. I liked that.  
I instantly reached the teapot again, this time grabbing its handle.  
Instead of pouring it into a cup though, I pressed it against the inside of  
my thigh. Damn... I bit my lip as I held it there for as long as I could  
possibly take it. It left a huge red mark, but I didn't care. No one would  
be looking there anyways. I threw the pot into the sink. Suddenly, I wasn't  
thirsty anymore.  
God, had I really just made that pot up just to burn myself? I  
realized that from the beginning I had had no intention of making any tea.  
We didn't even have any tea in the house. I didn't even know how to make  
tea. I laughed lightly to myself and inspected the mark on my thigh. At  
least I hadn't thought about Sean... Damnit. Well, I hadn't been thinking  
about him until now.  
My stomach growled. I jumped at the noise. I hadn't even realized I  
was hungry until now. I opened the pantry door and looked inside. There was  
barely anything. I didn't really have the time to go grocery shopping. What  
the hell? I angrily snatched a box of Cranberry-Almond Crunch. They were  
supposed to be between the Cheerios and the Frosted Mini-Wheats. I couldn't  
believe I had let them get out of order. I stuffed the box back in its  
rightful spot and decided to skip dinner. I had flaked out during lunch  
today and had some of Marco's lasagna anyway.  
I decided to do my homework at the kitchen table that night. I didn't  
really want to look at the pictures I had of me and Sean or me and my dad  
on my desk tonight. I blinked at the pages I was supposed to be reading in  
1984. After forty pages (fifteen more than the assignment gave us), I  
glanced up at the clock. Had it really taken me over two hours to read  
that? I let out a sigh of frustration and put the book down. My problems  
with Sean were not helping me out at all. Next I took out my chemistry book  
and worked on a few problems.  
The next time I looked at the clock it was 1:30 AM. I drug myself  
away from my constant proofreading and put my books away. I was too tired  
to even think anymore. Just as I was about to trudge upstairs to my bed, I  
heard a knock on the door. I froze. I wanted desperately to turn around and  
see Sean there, holding flowers, and telling me he was sorry he had said  
those horrible things and that he forgave me. That would be perfect. But I  
knew that was asking way too much.  
I looked up through the window and blinked. He was really there. He wasn't  
holding flowers, but he was there. I took a timid step towards the door. It  
was like I was stuck to the spot where I was standing. Sean realized my  
handicap and opened the door himself. He didn't say anything and neither  
did I. Finally, after what seemed like eternity of just staring at each  
other, Sean took my hand and started to lead me up the stairs. I followed  
without making a sound. I didn't know what was going on, but I didn't want  
him to stop touching me- even if it was something as innocent as holding my  
hand.  
We ended up in my room. I expected Sean to drop my hand, turn around, and  
say something to me, but he still didn't. He just sat me down with him on  
my bed and reached his hand up to my hair. I took in a shallow breath and  
just searched his eyes for some sort of explanation, but he was doing the  
same to me, so I found none. Slowly, he brought his lips to mine.  
We kissed. That was all. Even when I thought we were going further, Sean  
stopped me and stared at me, saying, "I just want to kiss. This is it. No  
further." I couldn't believe he had said that. No guy, except for Breydon,  
had ever said that to me. I had always been the girl they went to if they  
wanted to go all the way, make it all the way home, not just to first base.  
I opened my eyes in the middle of kissing Sean and saw that he too was  
looking at me. I pulled away and smiled.  
"I'm sorry, Sean."  
Sean looked away for a second and then back, "No. I should say I'm sorry. I  
blew it out of proportion."  
"What I did was wrong, though. I never meant to. I don't even like Craig  
like that."  
"I know you don't. But I just want to forget about everything that  
happened. It's in the past. We can't change it now, so why bother looking  
back on it?"  
"Is this the new sensitive Sean?" I teased him.  
Sean cocked an eyebrow and immediately tried to look tough. I let out a  
laugh and ran a hand through his almost-curly hair. I loved how he was this  
huge bad-ass but I had the power to make him all mushy and romantic and a  
gentleman. This was the side of Sean that he didn't let anyone ever see.  
The side that opened doors for me or made sure we didn't get too much  
cheese on our pizza even though he loved cheese or let me take his hat off  
even though he liked it on.  
We fooled around a bit more that night- but nothing ever went past kissing.  
We cuddled for awhile and talked about our plans for that weekend and how  
we needed more quality time together. That night I got the best sleep I had  
ever gotten in my life. I didn't have to worry anymore about whether or not  
he was mad at me or anything for that matter. I just slept in his arms and  
relaxed. For once, my shoulders weren't hunched or my back covered with  
knots. I had finally just relaxed.  
The next day, I woke up to find Sean gone. For a second, I thought  
maybe it was all a dream, but then I realized he had probably just gone  
home to get ready for school. As if on cue, I saw the note he had put on my  
night table telling me that was exactly what he had done. I faced the  
ceiling and wrapped my arms around myself in a huge hug. Today, I wouldn't  
worry about anything.  
I walked to Marco's house and waited for him to come out. When he did  
I jumped on him and gave him a huge hug. "So I guess everything went okay?"  
I let go and grabbed onto his arm, "Not at first. At first, it was  
brutal. Then it got better. And we made up."  
Marco shook his head in amazement, "Do you realize how psycho you  
were at my house last night? You wouldn't shut up!"  
I socked him in the arm playfully (he still flinched and rubbed his  
shoulder), "You're such a baby. Let's not talk about my psychotic behavior.  
Let's talk about how me and you are going to the candy store after school  
for a quick sugar high before I have to work."  
"You mean, you're not going to spend that precious five minutes with  
Sean?" Marco grabbed his chest and pretending to have a heart attack.  
"Ha ha," I laughed sarcastically. "You're one to talk. I can't drag  
you away from Dylan for more than 13 seconds."  
We bantered playfully the whole way to school- like we used to- and  
caught up with Jimmy and Hazel just as they were rounding the corner. "Hey  
Jimmy, Haze," Marco called out with a wave. They met up with us and we  
walked the rest of the way to school together.  
Hazel grabbed my wrist, "I really like that bracelet, Ellie. Where'd  
you get it?"  
I glanced down at the vintage clasp I was wearing and then back up at  
her, "At this little vintage store downtown."  
"Well, it's tres chic. I might have to check it out."  
Marco interrupted us, "All the stuff they have in that store costs  
major bucks. I wouldn't even bother walking in there. It'll just make you  
jealous."  
Hazel frowned slightly, "Yeah, it probably would. Unless Jimmy wanted  
to take me!" She smiled coyly up at him and he groaned. "Sure Hazel. I'll  
buy you something from the store."  
"Well, Ellie will have to show me where exactly it is."  
I nodded. Since when did Hazel want to go shopping with me? I know we  
had gotten to know each other during detention, but after that we would  
only exchange hello's if Paige or one of her other friends wasn't around.  
Now she wanted fashion advice?  
I immediately went to my locker when I got to school. The bell was  
going to ring any second. Marco kept chattering about some movie he and  
Dylan had seen the other night that he knew I'd love. I glanced down at my  
watch and quickly made a beeline for my first class right as the bell  
sounded. I took my usual seat next to Ashley (and also near Paige, ugh!)  
and organized my desk.  
"Why were you almost late?" Ashley whispered to me as announcements  
came on.  
I shrugged, "Just was enjoying my bed a little too much this morning,  
I guess. Why are you so concerned all of a sudden?"  
Ashley shrugged back, "Just worried about you, Nash." She gave me a  
look and turned her attention back to the television screen.  
Why was she worried about me? "Well, don't be. I know how to take  
care of myself."  
Ashley sent me a chilling glare, "Tell that to the school  
nutritionist."  
She her face away from me and I gaped at her. What did she mean by  
that? I couldn't believe she even said that. I mean, what was it supposed  
to mean? Was she telling me that I needed to see a nutritionist because I  
was overweight? On instinct, I reached my hands down to my waist and  
pinched. Okay, so I had gotten crazy yesterday and ate that lasagna, but  
that was all. I pinched her arm and she looked back at me, "Are you saying  
I'm fat or something?"  
"Get over yourself, Ellie."  
I leaned back in my chair and crossed my arms over my waist. Why was  
Ashley all of a sudden being so damn mean to me? I didn't do anything to  
her. Unless... unless Craig had told her what had happened. Shit... But she  
didn't seem angry with that. Plus, Ashley would have told me straight out  
if that was the case. So what was with her?  
The rest of the class, Ashley acted like nothing had happened. She  
talked about everything as if she had never called me fat or anything. I  
tried to get over it, but I just kept hearing her say all that stuff in my  
head.

**Ashley's POV**  
I felt bad. I really did. But sometimes the truth hurts and Ellie  
needed to hear the truth. I can't believe she even dared to ask me if I  
meant she was fat. I mean, can't she see herself in the mirror? She's like  
a rail. I've been kind of thinking about this for a while now, and I didn't  
really know how to say it to her. Today though, when I saw her, and how her  
skirt was practically falling off of her, I knew I had to say something.  
Didn't anyone else see it? Was I the only who even cared about her?  
I'm not going to say anything to anyone else yet, but I will if I  
don't start seeing her eating or gaining some weight. I used to think Ellie  
was this totally cool, perfect person. Now I know she's just a control-  
freak who is just totally lost. I used to want to be like her, but not  
anymore. I knew she would probably be mad at me now, but I didn't really  
care. All I know is that I'm going to be watching her like a hawk. She  
better believe it.  
  
**Sean's POV**  
  
I was on a mission. I had to find Craig before lunch and talk to him.  
Usually I saw this kid everywhere, but now it seemed like he was avoiding  
me. I didn't blame him. He probably thought I was going to beat the shit  
out of him. I had half a mind to do that, but I also knew Ellie wouldn't  
want it blown out of proportion like this. Plus, me beating up Craig would  
surely get around and Ashley would know for sure what happened.  
Finally, I found him. I caught him on his way out of the bathroom. He  
saw me and immediately stopped in his tracks. I sauntered towards of him,  
unsure of exactly what I was going to say to him.  
"Listen, Sean. What happened was wrong. It was an accident."  
I looked at him dead on in the eye, "Craig, don't. I don't want to  
hear any excuses; I don't want to know why it happened, or how. Just don't  
let it happen again. I mean it."  
Craig nodded in agreement, "Of course. It won't ever happen again.  
I'm over it."  
"Good. I like you, Craig. I really do. I think we have a lot in  
common. Just don't ruin that."  
I felt good after the conversation. I knew Craig understood where I  
was coming from and I knew he'd never lay a hand on Ellie again. I heard  
the bell ring for fourth period. Of course, I was late. I booked the rest  
of the way to biology. Emma shot me a glance as I walked in. I wondered if  
she still thought I was this huge loser since I started getting my homework  
in on time.  
Miss Hatzalakos shot me a warning glance before going back to  
whatever she was doing. "Okay, class. I graded the papers you wrote. They  
were great, but there was one I was very impressed with. Congratulations,  
Sean."  
I almost didn't believe her. I had to look around the room to even  
see if I heard my name right. Sure enough, everyone was looking at me. No,  
actually gaping at me. No one could believe that my paper was actually  
being recognized by the teacher for excellent work. I quickly shot out of  
my seat and walked up to Miss Hatzalakos and grabbed my work. My paper on  
oncology had received an A. I spent the rest of that class staring at that  
grade. Wait until I told Ellie. She hadn't even helped me with this paper.  
Sure, she had helped me with others and given me a lot of pointers on how  
to write a solid essay, but this I had done all on my own without her  
editing it.  
While the class was supposed to be working on reading a section in  
the book, Miss Hatzalakos pulled me aside into her office. The only other  
times I'd ever been invited into a teacher's office was for them to show me  
how many assignments I hadn't turned in or how my GPA was borderline 2.4.  
This time, however, Miss Hatzalakos was smiling.  
"Sean, your paper was wonderful. It looked like you spent a lot of  
time on it."  
I blushed a bit. I'm not used to such praise. "Well, you know, I  
researched a lot and Ellie's helped me get the hang of writing a decent  
paper."  
"So I've heard. Your other teachers are quite impressed with how your  
work is turning out recently also. This paper seemed to interest you a lot.  
In fact, the whole last chapter you were turning in extraordinary work.  
Does medicine interest you?"  
I shrugged, "It might..." Who was I kidding? "Well, yeah, it does."  
Miss Hatzalakos smiled like I had made her day or something. "That's  
awesome, Sean. Particularly oncology or what?"  
I rubbed the back of my head and quickly glanced towards the door to  
the classroom, "Well... maybe not oncology exactly. I'm more into just  
regular family practice. Or maybe even surgery. You know, fix people."  
"Wow. That's very ambitious of you. That'd be very exciting for you."  
I let out a laugh, "Come on, Miss Hatzalakos. You and I both know  
that's not going to happen. I have to get student welfare to even afford  
high school. No way some medical school is going to want a loser like me.  
Especially a poor one."  
She gave me a sad look and shook her head, "That's not true, Sean.  
There are many things you can do to get help. You can—"  
"Listen, Miss H. I really appreciate it, but I'll just stick to the  
one thing I know I can afford to fix: Cars."  
The bell rang just then and I quickly got the hell out of her office.  
I didn't want to hear about any of my options... I knew that no matter what I  
did I'd always be that kid whose parents are drunks and who's always  
getting in trouble. You can't change who you are or where you came from.  
Not even by being some prestigious doctor.  
I caught up with Ellie during the middle of lunch. I saw her walk in  
with Miss Hatzalakos, smiling and chattering like they were old friends. My  
stomach dropped. What were they talking about? Ellie saw me from the corner  
of her eye and waved as she jogged over. "Hey!" She wrapped her arms around  
me as I sat down in my seat with her in my lap.  
"Hey, yourself. What's going on?"  
She gave me a sly smile, "Well, I heard someone is doing extremely  
well in biology. Like stellar! And I also heard you got an A on your  
latest paper. Did I help you with it?"  
"No, actually I didn't tell you about it. I wanted to know how I  
could do by myself."  
"Well, it looks like you don't need me anymore!" She pouted but I was  
silently cheering. Did this mean that we'd no longer waste every day by  
studying constantly and making ridiculous vocabulary flashcards? "But... we  
better not get too cocky. I'll help you with your homework tonight."  
God... Would she ever stop trying to make me into some honor roll  
student? "That sounds great. But you're probably going to be exhausted by  
the time you're finished with your co-op so we can always skip it for  
tonight."  
"Bullshit. I'm always happy to help you. But anyway, I didn't know  
you were interested in being a doctor."  
"Jesus, is anything private between two people anymore? Miss H had no  
right to tell you that."  
"Sean, she was excited! She thought I already knew. Why's it some big  
secret anyway? Ohmigod, we can look up scholarships for you tonight. I'm  
serious, Sean! I mean, it's never too early to get started. Maybe you can  
get an internship somewhere or volunteer at the hospital. I'm sure a doctor  
would let you shadow him for a day also. Actually, my dad has some friends  
who are doctors. My doctor's a great guy. I could talk to him for you also.  
Did you know that my grandpa is a doctor and so are two of my uncles. You  
have to start thinking about your next step, though..."  
My blood pressure was slowly rising just listening to her. Did she  
have to be so serious all the time? I'm a freshman. I'm not supposed to  
have my whole life planned out just yet. Who knows what I'd end up wanting  
to do later on. I tried to block out her chatter, but I couldn't. I just  
kept hearing doctor and future and scholarships and volunteer and I wanted  
to scream.  
"And if you wanted to think about maybe pediatrics, the orphanage is  
a great place to volunteer and to see how well you work with kids. I work  
with a couple of toy drives for the orphanage so maybe you could help me  
deliver some day and we-"  
"Ellie? Can we just not talk about this right now?"  
"Sean, you can't wait forever. You have to take advantage of  
opportunities."  
"Yeah, I know, but... Okay, listen. Don't get angry, but it's my life.  
I have to live it. How about you try to live your own life for once."  
"What's that supposed to mean?" Great, she was giving me THE look.  
"It means your always trying to boss people around and tell them what  
to do and... I don't know. Stop making decisions for me."  
I could tell I hurt her, but she lifted her chin anyway and got a  
real snotty tone with me. "Fine. You can make your own vocabulary  
flashcards."  
"Good. Because I don't need vocabulary flashcards anyway."  
Her mouth dropped open a little. "Fine. We'll see how you do on your  
vocab quiz tomorrow. Then we'll see who's right."  
I fought hard not to roll my eyes, but I didn't succeed. She was  
always so damn self-righteous. I kissed her forehead. "Let's just enjoy our  
lunch together."  
She made a big deal of trying not to smile and finally did. "Fine.  
But I'm coming over tonight. And we will be making flashcards."  
Oh great...  
  
**Ellie's POV**  
  
"Bye Caitlin!" I called out as I pulled my coat on. It was starting  
to get cold outside and I wanted to make it to Sean's before it started to  
storm. I ran the whole way to his house, or as much running as my boots  
would allow me. All I wanted was to make-out with him. Okay, I'm just going  
to come right out and say it. I was super horny. Why was I sounding like  
Spinner all of a sudden?  
As soon as Sean opened his door I was covering his face with kisses  
and desperately trying to unbutton my coat. Sean stopped my hands and  
pulled away laughing, "Woah. I have work to do. You'll just have to wait."  
My mouth fell open... a lot. "Are you freaking kidding me? You're the  
one who's always saying-"  
"Yeah. And now you're going to get a taste of your own medicine."  
"That's ridiculous."  
"Oh, you can sure dish it but you can't take it, huh, El?"  
I tossed my coat onto the couch and folded my arms. "Fine. Whatever.  
Let's get started."  
Sean was already over his book, though. I was shocked. Usually I had  
to twist his arm to get him to crack open a book. What was with this sudden  
change in character? I looked at the papers on the table next to him and  
realized he had already finished his other homework. Was the whole universe  
like going out of whack or something? Since when did Sean Cameron finish  
his homework before dinner? I narrowed my eyes at the work and grudgingly  
realized that it was all correct. He didn't even need me to proofread his  
homework for him anymore.  
I stood there waiting for him to give me something to do. He didn't  
even look up. "Okay, well I'm just going to go freshen up."  
I walked into his bathroom and looked at the mirror incredulously.  
Was this a new Sean? I scrutinized my appearance in the glass. God, no  
wonder he didn't want to look at me. I was a fright. I rubbed some eyeliner-  
gone-awry off from underneath my eye and blew a few stray pieces of hair  
away from my face. Was it me or were my cheeks looking chubbier than usual?  
I drug myself away from the mirror and peeped a head back into the  
living room. He was still working. "Well, I guess I'll organize your CDs...  
Again..."  
I pulled his CD case out from underneath his stereo and flipped  
through it. Didn't I just do this last weekend? It was already a complete  
mess. That really pissed me off. I kicked off my boots and knee-highs and  
got ready for an hour of categorizing.  
I had already finished organizing his CDs, his comic book collection  
I found in boxes stuffed away into a hall closet, and arranging his clothes  
by color and season by the time Sean told me he was finished. I watched as  
he looked in horror at what I had done with his closet. I was quite proud  
of my work though. "Sean, you need more green clothes. And brown. Maybe we  
can go shopping and pick you out a few things this weekend."  
"That's okay, Ellie. I think I can buy clothes for myself."  
"Well, do you like it? It goes from one end of the color spectrum to  
the other. And in each color, the warmer season clothes are first and then  
the colder season clothes. Also, for your comic books, I organized them by  
their copyright date and issue number. The oldest comics are at the bottom  
of the box. The newer ones are, naturally, on top. And I'd appreciate it  
if, this time, when you get a CD out, put it back in it's designated spot.  
Okay?"  
Sean just looked at me before turning off his closet light and  
shutting the door. Why did he look so annoyed all of a sudden? I could tell  
he was fighting to stay cool. "Thanks, Elle. Let's just relax now, though.  
Okay?"  
I followed him to his bed and began kissing him. Okay, this was what  
I had been waiting all night for. But as soon as I started to get really  
into it, I remembered that he had his vocabulary quiz the next day. I tried  
to push the vocab words from my head, but I couldn't help it. I couldn't  
believe it, but as he was kissing my neck, I actually asked him what  
superciliousness meant. He stopped sucking on my neck and gave me an are-  
you-serious look. When he saw that I was he closed his eyes.  
"Um... I don't know? Being silly?" Then he was back to kissing my  
collarbone and running his hands up my leg.  
"Sean! It's like... well... mmm. That's good. Um, it's like disdain. Like  
being overly proud."  
"That's great, Ellie. Now can we just-"  
"Ambivalent."  
"Hmmm... what?"  
"What does ambivalent mean, Sean!"  
He fingered my bra straps as he started to lower his lips to my  
stomach. Where I'm extremely ticklish. "Sean! Stop it!" I giggled. I kicked  
at his legs and arched my back. "Stop it!"  
He rested his chin on my abdomen and smiled at me, "I'm not stopping  
until you stop quizzing me."  
"Tough. Tell me what ambivalent means."  
"Ambivalent means that I'm getting lucky tonight. And so are you.  
You're getting screwed."  
I rolled over so I was on top of him this time. "Oh really?" I asked  
with an arched eyebrow. Sean nodded his head yes with this stupid little  
grin on his face. I gave in. "Yeah, you're right. You're going to ace that  
quiz tomorrow." Okay, so maybe Sean hadn't wanted me that night to help him  
with his homework. At least there was one department where I was sure Sean  
would always need me. 


	14. Let the Good Times Roll

**Chapter 14: Let the Good Times Roll  
  
Ellie's POV**  
Wow. That's all I thought when I woke up the next morning. Not even  
the incessant noise of my alarm annoyed me like it usually did. I daintily  
turned it off and stretched my arms up over my head. Smiling. Actually  
smiling the entire time. Granted, it was a sleepy smile, but that still  
counts. I remembered the kiss Sean had given me right before I left his  
place the night before... or should I say early this morning... and how I  
couldn't sleep because I was just so happy. I had ended up playing hours of  
J.T. Blocks. Now I was fully functioning on about one hour of sleep, but I  
loved it.  
I hopped out of bed and skipped to the shower. Never had I been so  
excited to get to school. I just wanted to give Marco and Ashley a great  
big hug. When had I become such, like, a teenybopper? Actually wanting to  
dish out hugs in public? I lathered my hair with shampoo and whistled a  
little tune in the shower. Too bad that all I ever whistled was "Up On the  
Housetop". Even when it wasn't Christmas!  
I was in such a good mood I added extra black eyeliner and a dash of  
hot pink sparkle to my eyes. I decided to pin my hair in a messy low bun  
and wear these funky earrings Marco had bought me for my birthday last  
year. They were vintage and so gaudy even I was almost embarrassed. But I  
liked gaudy stuff. I looked out onto my balcony and noticed that it looked  
super cold outside. Grrr. I had wanted to wear my new skirt today. I  
decided to wear it anyway and just added a pair of jeans on underneath. In  
a sudden case of nostalgia, I threw my old Rookwood blazer on over my shirt  
and arm warmers. It was perfectly worn in after three years.  
My phone rang startled me from staring at myself in front of my  
mirror. I jumped onto my bed and grabbed it on the fourth ring. "Hello?"  
"Hey Ellie. It's Marco."  
"Marco! What's up?"  
"Well, Dylan's giving me a ride this morning. Do you want one?"  
I thought for a second. Ride in Dylan's car with Marco and... gross...  
Paige or walk to school freezing. Hmmm... tough choice. "I'll walk. I can  
tough it out."  
"You know. Paige isn't that bad. You and her could be really good  
friends if you'd give her a-"  
"I appreciate it Marco, but, seriously, I could use the exercise."  
Okay, that a lie. I walked to school every morning. It was a five miles  
just to Marco's house. Maybe that's why I was always bordering on being  
late.  
"Whatever you say, ice princess. I'll bring some hot chocolate to  
school for you."  
Okay, Marco was the coolest guy in the world. "I love you, Marco. See  
you."  
"Ciao."  
Sure enough, when I got to school, Marco was waiting by our lockers  
with a thermos of hot chocolate in his hand. "You're brilliant, Marco!" I  
grabbed the thermos and took a sip. Yum. He had added marshmallows to it.  
Just what I like. I gave him a thumbs up as I swallowed.  
"You're welcome, Elle. Okay, first off, before the bell rings, I need  
a sugar fix. Not a huge one, but just enough to get me through history.  
You'd think that after six years of learning the exact same things about  
the civil war, we could move on to like, something more modern."  
I flung my locker open and threw my books into my bag, "I feel your  
pain. I think I know every single battle, the date it happened, where it  
happened, and the outcome by heart. Actually, I know I know this. Here, try  
a Snickers. It's good for you."  
Marco grabbed the candy bar greedily and tore into it. "God, this is  
heaven. Sweet, savory chocolate with gooey, gooey caramel and salty little  
peanuts all with a little fluffy nugent. Whoever thought of this should be  
made king of the whole world."  
I laughed and grabbed a Sparkle Jerry Cherry tangy taffy from the top  
shelf of my locker. "Now this is what I call ecstasy. Tangy Taffy is like a  
multiple orgasm times 547. It gets bonus points because it has sparkles."  
"Hey, they match your eyes. Way to go there, princess."  
"Yeah, I'm pretty talented. God, I have this song in my head and I  
can't get it out."  
"What is it? MmmBop?" Marco jabbed me lightly in the ribs.  
"I wish. No, it's... I don't even know the name of it. But it goes: 'I  
know I can. I know I can. Be what I wanna be. Be what I wanna be.' Pure  
torture."  
Marco laughed and we ducked into history as the bell rang. I took my  
spot near Ashley and flashed her a friendly smile. She smiled back and  
whispered, "Sean looked pretty happy this morning."  
"You saw him?"  
"Yeah, he was fighting to stop grinning, but he couldn't help it."  
I wiggled my eyebrows and turned my attention towards the  
announcements. Liberty's voice droned on and on until Manny came on the  
screen. Ashley groaned and said a few things along the lines of slut and  
whore. I flinched at how bitchy she could still be after how long ago the  
whole mess had happened. It was so in the past. Plus, I kind of felt bad  
for Manny. I knew what she went through. "So I hope everyone buys a ticket  
for the dance and has an awesome time! Go Panthers!"  
I looked at Ashley, "Dance?"  
Ashley rolled her eyes, "Yeah. Some stupid homecoming dance."  
"Oh... cool..."  
"What?!"  
"It's just a dance. It's not like you have to go so why are you  
getting all bent out of shape about it?"  
"Because dances are so stupid. I mean, you just go there, vote for  
whoever is the most popular, they get the royal treatment, and you usually  
end up leaving without your date. Or worse, he'll leave with a grade nine."  
"Okay, you're starting to scare me. Lighten up."  
Ashley let out a laugh and covered her mouth. She looked around the  
room before whispering back, "You're telling me to lighten up? You're the  
queen of uptight."  
I lifted my eyebrows and gave her a mean look, "Get over it. It's a  
dance. Don't go."  
Paige leaned over from the other side of Ashley, "Aw, is Ellie going  
to get all dressed up and go to the dance? Isn't that against like the cult  
rules or something? Or are your other friends going to join you and suck  
everyone's blood. Wait, you don't have friends."  
Paige could be so stupid sometimes. How could Marco stand her?  
"Paige, shut up or I'll shut you up."  
She gave me a haughty look before flipping her hair behind her  
shoulder and turning her attention to Spinner. Or should I say, her  
honeybee? Okay, so dances weren't my thing. But I'm with Sean now and we  
had a pretty good time at the Bollywood dance. Maybe he'd ask me officially  
this time. And maybe I'd actually go shopping for a new dress. And maybe  
we'd get voted for... Ohmigod. I'm the biggest loser on the earth. Who wants  
to be homecoming king and queen anyway?  
  
**Sean's POV**  
  
I couldn't believe it. Everyone in class had just gone completely  
crazy over the homecoming dance. All this for a dance? I figured it I was  
still on the basketball team I'd be just as excited, but I wasn't. I had  
flunked off. Off of the basketball team and the wrestling team. Imagine  
that- the star wrestler kicked off for grades. Whatever, I suppose if I had  
cared enough for it I would have tried harder. Still, it killed me to see  
guys like Greg Bennington and Walter Krum take over the team.  
I looked as Manny Santos walked back into the room and over to JT  
Yorke. I never imagined them two together. I snuck a glance at Emma and  
Chris. Yeah, those two also. They seemed like complete opposites with Emma  
being so uptight and Chris being all laid-back and a go-with-the-flow type  
of guy. Whatever... they deserved each other. They both were nosy.  
"Yeah, and so now we have like nine kittens! My mom only wants us to  
keep three. So I have to find people to take the other ones."  
"I'll take one, Manny," Liberty van Zandt piped in. I could only  
imagine what sort of experiments Liberty did with her pets. Just the  
thought of it made me shudder.  
"Do you want one, Sean?" Manny asked me. I guess she had noticed me  
paying attention to their conversation.  
I laughed, "I'm not really a kitten person."  
"Well, I'm giving mine to my boyfriend," Liberty replied. Aww. How  
sweet. She was giving a furry little kitten to Towerz. I'm sure he'd love  
that. On second thought, Towerz was going out with Liberty. There must have  
been something wrong with his head.  
"Yeah, give one to Ellie. I'm sure even someone like her likes  
something like a kitten," JT told me. I squinted my eyes at him. What did  
he mean by "someone like her"? He was so stupid. Then again... maybe I should  
get Ellie something. She was always giving me stuff. It's not like I had  
the money to buy her anything. The kittens were free. But did she even like  
kittens?  
"No joke," Toby laughed. "She was over every day when our cat had  
kittens. She didn't come over for Ashley's company, just to play with the  
kittens. Come to think of it, it started to get annoying. She does this  
baby talk thing, and..."  
Ellie? Baby talk? "Hey Toby, if you don't mind, stop talking about my  
girlfriend."  
"I was just saying that she was kind of... well obsessed with them."  
I thought of what her face would look like when I handed her a little  
kitten. I'd probably score major points. "Okay, Manny. I'll take one." Then  
I remembered that Ellie usually came over to my house all night. What if  
the cat got lonely? She'd hate that. "Actually, make it two."  
Manny smiled. "All right! Only three more kittens to go!"  
By lunchtime, I still hadn't seen Ellie. I wanted to tell her about  
the kittens now, but I knew I'd just have to give them to her tonight after  
I picked them up. I saw Marco over at his usual table. Yep, right next to  
him was Ellie. That's weird. She was actually sitting at a table with  
Paige. Of course, they were on opposite ends, but still.  
"Sean!" Ellie stood up and called me over. "Sit with me... Please!"  
She pointed at Paige with her head and made a face. Okay, I'd put up  
with all her friends this once. I grabbed a nearby chair and sat in it  
backwards. As soon as I sat down, though, every other word out of someone's  
mouth was dance, homecoming, or court. I cringed at every word.  
"Everyone's really getting into this homecoming thing, huh?" I asked.  
Ellie didn't say anything but waved her hand around in a response. I didn't  
really know what it meant, but I went along with it.  
Marco pushed half of his sandwich to her and she fingered at it. I  
didn't blame her. It looked so gross. I noticed Ashley staring intently at  
Ellie and then Ellie quickly took a bite of the sandwich. I almost gagged.  
"So Sean. Who are you going to the dance with?" Spinner asked from a  
few seats down. I narrowed my eyes at him. Was he really that dim?  
"I'm not going to the dance, Mason."  
"Why not?"  
"It's not really our thing," I put an arm around Ellie's shoulders  
and pulled her towards me a bit. "We're not big on social events."  
Ellie remained quiet and I wondered if I had said something wrong.  
Hazel laughed, "Speak for yourself. I caught Ellie looking up dresses  
during Media Immersions. Caught her red handed!"  
I looked incredulously at Ellie. Did she really want to go to the  
dance? I noticed her cheeks were a little red, but she stole a glance at me  
and shook her head no. That was enough evidence for me to know that Hazel  
was just making shit up. I squeezed Ellie's shoulder, "I'm going to get  
some food. Wanna come?"  
She got up out of her seat and followed me to the lunch line. "You  
know, Hazel was just kidding back there. She's making fun of me because  
earlier I told her I wouldn't be caught dead at that dance."  
"Yeah, I figured that. You don't seem like a "dance" girl."  
"Yeah," Ellie replied. "If I even go it'll just be to take pictures  
of yearbook. Otherwise, I wouldn't even bother."  
"Yeah, I understand." I stole a glance at her from the corner of the  
eye and noticed she looked a little out of sorts. "Are you okay? You're  
acting weird."  
She flashed me a quick smile. "I'm great. I'm just, you know, ready  
for the weekend."  
"Yeah, I definitely know. Do you want something from the line?" I  
gestured towards the different ale carte items.  
"I'll take a Dr. Pepper. Thanks."  
I paid for my lunch and her drink and handed it to her. I quickly  
looked over at the table we had just left and saw everyone laughing and  
talking. I turned to Ellie, "Let's go eat outside."  
"In the rain?"  
"Yeah... in the rain. Come on." I grabbed her arm with my free hand and  
we maneuvered our way through the throngs of people to reach the door that  
led outside to the courtyard. It wasn't raining that bad, just a light  
sprinkle. I didn't want to sit with Paige and them or be seen by Jay and  
Towerz. They'd get pissed that I, once again, dissed them to hang out with  
my girlfriend. Ellie shrieked as we ran out into the rain. Damn. I forgot  
about my lunch. It was all watery now. Oh well. Chips were still good. A  
guy like me can pretty much live off chips.  
"You realize my makeup is probably going to run, right?" Ellie  
squinted at me as raindrops started to bead on her eyelashes.  
"You don't need to wear all that makeup anyway. You're gorgeous," I  
wrapped my arms around her as she worked on getting her drink open. She  
sent me a glare at my compliment and I let go of her shaking my head. This  
girl did not like compliments whatsoever. "So... would you get totally pissed  
if I pushed you down in that water puddle right behind you?"  
"Uh... the answer to that would be yes. Do it and die."  
I grabbed her around the waist anyway and pulled her down on the  
grass with me. She squealed as we hit the grass and tried to claw herself  
away from me, but I'm way too strong for her. Finally, after a few minutes  
of wrestling, she gave up. "Sean, I hate you."  
"Don't hate me because I'm irresistible, Ellie."  
"No, I'll hate you because you are the biggest dork ever. Now I'm  
going to have to go the rest of the day in wet, muddy clothes. I really  
loathe you right now."  
"So you're not going to kiss me?"  
"No."  
"You sure?"  
"Um, yeah..."  
"How about now."  
"Okay."  
"What is going on here?" Ellie and I ended our make-out session and  
quickly looked up. Great. Mr.Radditch.  
  
**Ashley's POV**  
  
"So Mr.Radditch broke you two apart and made you come to his office?  
Yelled at you for PDA-"  
"When in all actuality, no one else was around. Except him of  
course."  
"Yeah, but anyway, then gave you guys gym uniforms to wear the rest  
of the day because your other clothes were wet?"  
"Yeah. Can you imagine? I was ready to die. He said he couldn't allow  
us to wear wet clothes the rest of the day."  
"That skirt you were wearing today plus rain equals see-through,  
Ellie. No wonder he made you change. Nice shirt by the way." I tugged at  
the t-shirt she was wearing.  
Ellie struck a model pose in the middle of the hallway. "Don't you  
just love how it practically falls off? Nothing like an oversized t-shirt  
that touches my knees. Very fashionable."  
A few kids looked at Ellie in surprise. No wonder. This was the most  
action she had shown in... well... years. She fingered the hem of the t-shirt  
and decided to tie it in the knot. "Nice homage to the 80's."  
Ellie looked up at me, "Oh yes. My parents would be proud. Whatever.  
The 80's ruled. As do these nice polyester shorts. I like the fact that  
they ride completely up my ass."  
"I'm pretty sure those are kid's shorts. Not kidding." I lifted her  
shirt in the back to get a better look at the shorts. Ellie shrieked as I  
looked at the tag. "Yeah. They're definitely for little kids."  
Ellie shrugged and continued walking to our next class- looking like  
a total idiot I might add. "Ellie, stop walking like you have a fork stuck  
up your ass."  
"I can't help it. You know, Mr.Radditch is a total killjoy. We were  
just playing in the rain!"  
"Getting it on in the rain, more like it."  
She flicked me off playfully before entering English. I smiled as I  
remembered the poem I had written the night before. For once, it wasn't a  
poem about an experience I had gone through. When Ms. Kwan told me I could  
begin the poetry reading, I stood up eagerly and started, "This poem is  
about a girl with an eating disorder. I was looking up some information on  
the internet last night to help me write about it:  
_I watch her everyday.  
Walking through life  
Down the hall  
Slowly, gliding  
Light as a feather  
Lighter than a feather  
Remaining unattached  
Fighting silently against  
Herself.  
She grows weary  
She grows thin  
Soon she becomes childlike  
Angry, hostile, tortured  
I watch her everyday  
But it's not her.  
_I paused before sitting down, making sure to see everyone's  
reactions. A lot of people just stared at me with their mouths open. It was  
a pretty heavy topic. Nothing that was every discussed in class. Paige sent  
me smile and mouthed "good job". I glanced at Ellie. Stone cold. She didn't  
even tell me if it was good or not. I frowned and took a seat.  
"Wow. That was great, Ashley," Ms.Kwan commented. She smiled at me  
before looking back around the room. "Ellie? How about you? We haven't  
heard from you yet."  
Ellie's head shot up nervously, "Well... How about not?"  
"Ellie, everyone has to read their poetry sometime. Might as well do  
it today."  
I shot Ellie a sympathetic glance as she walked to the front of the  
room shakily. I knew she hated reading anything personal out loud. I was  
glad that I was confident enough in my writing to be able to share it with  
everyone.  
"Um. Mine's not really a poem. It's kind of a short story, sort of  
deal," I could barely hear her she was almost whispering. Ellie cleared her  
throat and switched her weight to one leg, the other one twitching back and  
forth.  
_"She used to be happy. She was taken care of, shown affection, loved.  
She had everything. One day, everything that made her happy disappeared.  
She didn't know where it went. And no matter how hard and long she searched  
for it, she never found it. What made her happy was working, or traveling,  
or overseas on a mission. It didn't greet her at the door anymore. It  
didn't hold her in its arms every night. It didn't eat dinner with her. It  
didn't play dolls with her. Instead, it made her grow up. It forced her to  
walk home by herself. It forced her to have a key to the house with her at  
all times. It forced her to depend on herself and no one else. It liked to  
tease her. It would come back and make her believe it was staying and then  
suddenly leave. It was like the floor was ripped out underneath her every  
time. It made her paranoid. It caused her to never trust anyone. She  
learned to be numb. Soon she started to believe she was better than_  
_everyone else. She was so much more mature. She was cultured. She was  
spoiled. She was sent presents from distant lands. She formed a special  
relationship with the mailbox. She got everything she wanted. To everyone  
else her life looked perfect. She preferred it to stay that way. She didn't  
want anyone to know how she felt. How much pain she went through every day.  
How jealous she was of everyone else. How she never felt fulfilled. How she  
couldn't hold on to anything. How everything just slipped from her. And now  
she's left just grasping at false hopes and an altered reality. She's  
close... But never quite there."  
_I sat back in my chair shocked at Ellie's work. Where had this come  
from? I searched her face for any emotion or clues to what she was feeling,  
but she just stayed composed and calm. Suddenly Ms.Kwan started clapping  
and the rest of the class joined in.  
"That was beautiful, Ellie. I really enjoyed it. Any comments?"  
Why hadn't she asked if there were any comments for my writing? I  
mean, I had actually done the assignment like she asked. She had asked for  
a poem, not whatever Ellie had written. I realized how vicious I was being.  
I was just jealous. Usually Ms. Kwan liked my work more than anyone's. All  
of a sudden it seemed like Ellie was becoming her new pet.  
"It was different. I liked that," Jimmy called out from the back of  
the room.  
Ms. Kwan nodded and smiled before calling on Heather Sinclaire. "Was  
that a personal story, Ellie?" Heather asked nosily.  
Ellie shook her head hard, "No. I just wrote it. It just sort of came  
out. But no, not personal at all." She closed her notebook and walked back  
to her seat, looking relieved that it was finally over.  
Ellie turned to me, "How the hell do you do that every day?"  
  
**Ellie's POV**  
  
"Okay! My eyes are closed. What is it?" I called out to Sean. He had  
told me he had a surprise for me and to close my eyes. But that seemed like  
ages ago.  
"Keep them shut! Okay... wait... okay, open them!"  
I waited a few seconds longer before opening my eyes. "Ohmigod!  
They're so cute!" I shrieked. Right in front of me were two of the most  
adorable kittens I had ever seen in my life. One was pure white and the  
other was white with a few grey hairs here and there. I ran my hands over  
each one and gave Sean a quick kiss on the lips. "They're for me, right?"  
"Of course. Manny was giving them away, and I decided to be  
spontaneous and give you two. Do you like them?"  
"I love them! They're precious! Okay... what am I going to name them?"  
"Well, Mrs. Santos said they're both boys."  
"Yep. They're all boy. That's for sure. They're so tiny. I think I"ll  
call them..."  
"Sean and Sean Jr.?"  
Ellie swatted at my shoulder before resting her head on it. "No way.  
The white one will be Dolce and the other one will be Gabbana."  
"Ugh. Come again?"  
"Dolce and Gabbana. Like the shoes. My one brown slouch boots- those  
are Dolce and Gabbana."  
"You're naming your kittens after shoes? Whatever happened to fluffy  
and blackie?"  
I stuck my tongue out at him, "You're so normal. I can't wait to get  
them collars."  
"Are they going to have rhinestones all over them?"  
"I'm thinking diamonds. I'm going to spoil these little guys soooo  
much! Thank you, pookie."  
"No problem, cookie."  
We kissed for a second before playing more with the kittens. As Sean  
was dangling string in front of them, the phone started to ring. I jumped  
up from my position on the floor and ran for the phone before whoever hung  
up. "Hello?" I asked.  
"Hey pumpkin!"  
"Daddy!" I squeezed the phone and smiled.  
"How are you?"  
"I'm great. Dad, guess what?"  
"What?"  
"Sean just gave me two kittens! Isn't that sweet?"  
"Who's Sean?"  
"Oh yeah... Well, I'll tell you later."  
"Okay, is your mom there?"  
"Mom? Um, no. She's out of town on business. Some designing project.  
I don't know."  
"Oh, okay. Well, I have good news!"  
I squeezed the phone harder. Good news? My dad never had good news  
when he was on duty. I shut my eyes. Please, please, please let him be  
coming home.  
"I'm coming home!"  
I dropped the phone in excitement. Seriously. I jumped up and down a  
bit before picking the phone back up off of the floor and screaming into  
it. "Really?"  
"Yes! I have a two-week leave. So I'm only coming home for a visit. I  
can't wait to see you."  
"Me too! You have to meet Sean."  
"Well, I definitely do! Okay, well I have to go. Tell your mom the  
great news!"  
We said our goodbyes and hung up. I couldn't believe it. My dad was  
actually coming home for two weeks. Could life seriously get any better?  
"What was that?" Sean came up behind me with Dolce and Gabbana in his  
hands. I sighed happily and wrapped my arms around his waist.  
"My dad is coming home!"  
"Wow. That's great. When?"  
"Next weekend, I guess. I can't wait for you to meet him. He's going  
to adore you."  
Sean coughed and nodded in agreement. Sort of. "Yeah, he's really  
going to love his daughter's boyfriend who lives by himself and has no job.  
I'll be sure to tell him that I'm sleeping over this weekend, too."  
"Don't be stupid. You are going to make quite the impression. Of  
course, we'll work on finding you a job tomorrow. And maybe we won't tell  
him that you're living all by yourself. He doesn't really need to know  
that..."  
I felt like I was floating. Seriously. Every night I had hoped that  
my dad would come home soon. And he finally was! I looked at Sean as he  
started to play with the kittens again. Things were definitely starting to  
look up. 


	15. Material Girl

**Chapter 15: Material Girl  
  
Marco's POV**  
"So, why didn't Sean come with you?" I kicked at a stone that was in  
my pathway.  
Ellie kicked it back to me. "He's working on Simpson's car today. I  
am so happy that we are off school for one whole week! Ugh. It was really  
starting to weigh me down."  
I stuck my hands in the pocket of my jacket, "Yeah. I know how you  
feel. It's hard keeping up with you. You and your perfect average."  
She slapped me playfully, "Hey! I work hard for that perfect average.  
God, I love shopping."  
"Yeah, I can tell," I gestured to the three huge bags she was  
carrying from Black Rose. "I didn't know someone could have that many  
corsets."  
"Be nice. I got some jewelry too."  
"I don't think Sean really had to work on that car. I think he was  
warned about how much you like shopping."  
"This coming from you?" I threw her a surprised "who me?" look and we  
laughed. I cleared my throat, "So when are you going to start looking for a  
homecoming dress?"  
"Never. I'm not going to homecoming."  
"Why not? Ellie, you have to go. I won't have fun if you're not  
there."  
"Please. You'll have Dylan. Sean doesn't want to go... not like I even  
wanted to go to some dumb homecoming dance anyway," She muttered. "Let's  
hit Bomb Boogie. There was this killer brown jacket I wanted from there."  
"Yay! Looking at all these clothes I want and can't afford," I  
remarked sarcastically.  
"Marco, if you want something, tell me. I'll buy it for you," Ellie  
put a hand on my shoulder and then pulled open the door to the boutique.  
"You're so generous Ellie, but I'd only feel bad. Come on. Let's find  
you some hot clothes."  
After an hour of picking out clothes, we ended up at Frankie B., with  
me sitting in a chair while Ellie on just about everything in the store. I  
twiddled my thumbs and checked my watch. How long was she going to stay in  
there? "Um. Ellie. Any day now."  
She threw open the curtain, and I could see why it took her so long.  
She stood there, with an incredibly pissed look on her face I might add, in  
the tiniest skirt I had ever seen in my life. "You think I can bend over in  
this?" She asked batting her eyelashes at me.  
I shrugged and leaned back in the chair. "You can try. I promise I  
won't look."  
She sneered at me and then actually did try. I chucked as she quickly  
stood back up when a male sales attendant passed by, eyeing her the entire  
time. "Okay. It's not working out. But the jeans were great and so was the  
t-shirt dress. I don't to spend too much here so I'll just get those."  
Thank. God. I almost started weeping in gratefulness that she was  
finally ready to go. I love her to death, but her and shopping does not  
mix. It's okay if she's helping ME find something, but when she's buying  
stuff, it's pure hell. I tried to paste a smile on my face as Ellie walked  
out of the dressing room, but I couldn't even do that. "Okay. I'm sorry,  
Marco. I just want to go to RockRags and then we can go homecoming shopping  
for you. I swear."  
I grinned and shook her hand, sealing the deal. Finally, finally,  
finally I would get to buy something for myself! I watched her prance  
around RockRags for an hour, trying on just about any pleated miniskirt  
possible. I was surprised though. She walked out of there with only five  
bags. That was a light load compared to her usual endeavors there.  
"Okay, so what do you need to get?" She asked me as we walked back to  
my car (okay, okay my dad's car) to stash her bags in before we went back  
to shopping.  
"I don't really know what I'm looking for. I mean, it's pretty  
dressy. But I don't want to be too classic. I'd like to have a little funk  
here and there."  
"I can't believe you just said funk. Anywho, we'll find you something  
great. Dylan will be drooling when he picks you up."  
I flashed her an excited smile and we walked back towards all the  
boutiques. She stopped in front of an expensive looking boutique for men  
and women. "How about in here? My dad really likes their dress shirts."  
I was doubtful but I shrugged and followed her in anyways.  
Immediately we were swarmed by an employee. "Hi! My name's Cherise. Can I  
help you find anything?"  
I was about to say no when Ellie cut in- "Sure, Cherise. My friend  
here is looking for something to wear to a school homecoming dance. He  
wants to be dressy but with a twist."  
"Oh! We have some great items you can choose from."  
Ellie tossed me a smug smile before following Cherise to the men's  
side of the store. "Now, white suits are really in style. Plus, they're  
great to pair up with a bright color without looking too cheesy."  
Ellie fingered a pair of white dress pants and a jacket. "I agree.  
This plus... ummmm... here! This burgundy shirt. Look at all the detail going  
down the front of it. That's quirky, right Marco?"  
I squinted my eye and smiled after a moment. Ellie was right. It  
would look awesome together. I grabbed my size in all of the items and took  
them into a dressing room. "Now let me show you some dresses that would  
look just amazing on you..." I heard Cherise say. Poor lady. She didn't  
realize that Ellie was just more of a plaid skirt and arm warmer type of  
girl. Even at a dance... Wow. Yeah, the suit was amazing. Dylan would love me  
in this. I checked myself out some more and then decided I might want to  
check out the price tag. Oh... so the store was Gucci. Funny... I hadn't  
realized that before. I held my breath as I flipped over the price tag.  
Holy shit! There was no way I could afford this. No way in hell!  
"Marco! Don't forget to come out. I wanna see how hot you look." Ellie  
called from another dressing stall.  
I stepped out of the room and waited for Ellie to come out of hers.  
She peeked her head out from behind the curtain. "Ohmigod! Marco, you look  
awesome. It reminds me of a total Rat Pack look. Tres chic."  
"Yeah... and it costs more than I have. Way more. I can't afford it."  
Ellie scrunched her face. "Huh? Oh no problem, baby. It's all on me."  
"I can't let you do that. Wait, why aren't you coming out? Let me see  
what you tried on."  
"Oh, it's nothing special. Just this dress Cherise said I absolutely  
had to try on. She thinks I'm going to homecoming."  
"That's because you are coming to homecoming. Now let me see," I  
swiped at the curtain and tore it away from her, letting me see her from  
head to toe. "Oh my God. Elle, you look... wow... That's enough to make me  
straight again."  
"Marco!" But I was serious. She looked incredible. She had tried on  
this short black dress, but the really sexy thing was that it had a really  
deep V-cut in the front and in the back.  
"Wow. I didn't think you could get that low in the back... is it  
legal?" I teased. Really though. The back would have left little to the  
imagination if the very bottom of the point wasn't covered by this sheer  
material with little black beads sewn all over it.  
"Harharhar. It's not like I'm even getting it. I wouldn't have  
anywhere to wear it."  
"Correction, you'd wear it to the dance. Ellie, if you don't buy this  
dress and wear it, it might seriously be a crime."  
She scrutinized herself in the mirror, turning around and looking at  
the back before going back to looking from the side. "I don't know. I think  
I look fat in it."  
I almost choked... on nothing. I went up behind her and put my hands on  
her shoulders. "Are you blind? You look so sexy right now. You're not even  
close to being slightly fat."  
She shrugged my hands off of her shoulders and looked away. "Well...  
you know... I could buy it just in case Sean decided he really wanted to go  
to the dance. Then I'd already have a dress. Even though I don't even  
really want to go. Wait a second... would they even let me wear this? You  
know how strict Mr. Radditch is."  
"Honey. Mr. Radditch will be too busy looking at your legs. You know.  
You're lack of chest is good for one thing. You can pull stuff like this  
off."  
Ellie growled and reached out to "pretend" choke me but I dodged her  
hands. Finally she gave up and put her hands on her hips. "Well. Now I need  
some shoes to go with it."  
I groaned and slapped my hand over my face. Here we go again.  
  
**Ellie's POV  
**  
"You've got to meet my dad, Marco. He's so wonderful. He's going to  
adore you," I chattered as Marco and I sipped at our coffee's at a little  
café.  
"I can't believe I haven't met him yet!"  
"Well, he's uber busy all the time. He's either training, on a  
mission, or working with his companies. But he said he's going to make time  
to meet all my friends when he's home," I sighed happily and blew on my  
caramel cappuccino.  
Marco shook his head, smiling, "I bet you're mom is so excited."  
Suddenly my mouth felt like there was sand inside it instead of  
coffee. I hadn't even thought about that. I had been so ecstatic of just  
the thought of my dad being home with me that I didn't even think of how  
I'd break the news to him that mom was gone. I blinked away tears that  
threatened to spill over. What kind of mom just abandoned her daughter like  
that? Had I really messed up that bad? Was I that bad of a kid? My eyes  
shot to the knife that was on Marco's plate with his sandwich and salad.  
What would he do if I just grabbed it and sliced across my arm? Would he  
just watch or would he try and stop me? I shook the thoughts out of my  
head. That was crazy. I'd never let Marco into my crazy, messed up cycle. I  
put a huge grin on my face, "Oh, she's soooo happy. Totally Mrs. Cleaver.  
Her and dad are crazy in love." At least that much wasn't a lie.  
What a hypocrite. I focused all my attention on bringing out the  
truth in every situation. Except when it came to myself. I lived a freaking  
lie. I had to change the subject. "Shoes!"  
Marco shot me a confused look, "What?"  
"I love my shoes. My new ones," I gestured towards the bag with my  
shoes in them.  
Marco did "raise the roof" and I about fell over in my chair. "Yeah,  
Ellie is going to be kickin' it at homecoming."  
I did a little shimmy in my seat and then settled down. "Okay,  
confession: I really want to go. But I know Sean thinks it's lame. What am  
I going to do?"  
Marco stirred the straw in his coffee, "Okay. Sean got you little  
kittens, right? If he'd do that for you, I'm sure he'll put up with a few  
hours of bad dance music and meaningless conversation."  
"Maybe... I'll be sure to tell him the punch will be spiked."  
"Yeah, that'll get him there. Definitely. Really, Elle. He'd do  
anything for you, I can so tell. I used to not like the idea of both of  
you, but... well, he's really proving how much he likes you. I give him props  
for that."  
"Oh yeah G? You really give him props?" I mocked him.  
"Let's go. But let me get the bill. After all, you did buy me my  
homecoming outfit."  
I agreed to Marco's proposition and followed him out of the café to  
the car. He turned down the radio once we got in the car and started to  
drive home. "A bunch of us are going out to dinner tonight. Kind of a get  
dressed up and get together sort of thing. You and Sean should really  
come."  
I looked out the window. I didn't think Sean would really be up for  
that. "I don't know. I'll ask him."  
Marco glanced at me out of the corner of his eye. "Seriously, Ellie.  
Think about it. I'll call you later and give you all the details."  
I gave him a half-smile, "I'll be waiting."  
  
**Sean's POV**  
  
I rolled my eyes and shut the refrigerator door. "Sorry, but I really  
don't find enjoyment in hanging out with Paige and Hazel."  
"Well, I'm not going without you. And Marco really wants us to come."  
"Wants us or you? I'm sure he doesn't really want to see me. On  
second thought, I am a guy..."  
She threw a pillow at my head. "And you're really rude to my  
friends."  
"Not to burst your bubble or anything Ellie, but we both are kind of  
lacking in the friends department."  
Ellie hopped up on the kitchen counter, "Shut up. Come on, Sean.  
You're starving, I'm all dolled up. Let's go! I already told Marco we were  
going to meet them there."  
"Didn't you hear me? I don't want to go. Go by yourself."  
She pouted and turned her head away from me. Great. Now she was going  
to spend the rest of the night pissed at me. Since when did she become so  
social anyway? I noticed a tear slipping down her cheek and I automatically  
walked over to her and wrapped my arms around her waist. "I'm sorry. I'll  
go."  
She immediately burst into a smile and I realized she had been fake  
crying. "Thanks pookie. Now let's go. Their reservations were at 8:00."  
I quickly changed into something a little more... well... nicer and  
allowed her to practically drag me the entire way to the restaurant. We  
noticed Marco and the others in a huge booth and the back and made our way  
towards them. "Wow. Sean. Did expect to see you here."  
"Well, I didn't want to miss the opportunity to hang out with you,  
Paige. It means so much to me," My voice dripped with sarcasm. She made a  
face and turned her attention back to Hazel and their ever-so-important  
conversation about haircuts.  
"So Sean," Marco began. "Did Ellie tell you she picked up a  
homecoming dress today?"  
Ellie kicked Marco's foot underneath the table and started to blush.  
Was he for real? Did she really think we were going? "Um, Ellie, care to  
share?"  
"I just... Well, I have to go for yearbook. I have to."  
"Oh."  
Marco looked at both of us. "Yeah, and Dylan was telling me about how  
some of his friends can't wait to see you. They all want you to save them a  
dance."  
I clenched my fist. Was he for real? Were grade twelve's trying to  
hit on my girlfriend? I looked at Ellie and how hot she looked tonight.  
There was no way I was going to let some senior put his arms all over my  
girl. The thought of Ellie dancing with any other guy made my stomach twist  
into knots. "Well, you'll just have to turn them down because you'll be  
dancing with me the entire night."  
Did I actually just say that? I looked at Ellie and the satisfied  
look on her face. Marco's expression matched hers, too. Yeah. I had just  
said that. I had totally fallen for Marco's plan. Whatever. It would only  
last a few hours. "So, Ellie. What does your dress look like?"  
"Not telling! But you have to get me a corsage. And we have to find  
you an outfit."  
"Or I can just wear what I'm wearing right now."  
"Or you can let me take you shopping for a new outfit. I'm not taking  
no for an answer either."  
I entwined my fingers with hers and bit the inside of my cheek. How  
come she could do this to me? Make me lose any resolve and have me wrapped  
around her little finger? The rest of the night I kept catching myself just  
staring at her and how cute she looked with that off-the-shoulder top on  
and her silly bantering with Marco. It was then that I realized that I had  
completely fallen for Ellie- more than any other girl.  
  
**Ellie's POV  
**  
I sat back on my heels in front of the toilet. Ugh. I had definitely  
eaten too much at the Italian restaurant. Ashley kept stealing looks at me  
when she thought I wasn't paying attention. Every time she did I tried to  
pretend like I hadn't just taken a biteI truly don't understand why she is  
acting like this. Maybe she's upset with her own weight so the only way to  
build up her own confidence is to tear me down? Seriously, though, does she  
feel like she needs to tell me I'm fat to make herself feel better? I wiped  
the back of my wrist across my clammy forehead. I always get like this  
after I throw up- all shaky and exhausted. No matter how much I threw up,  
though, I could always feel the food sitting at the bottom of my stomach.  
It was so heavy I could barely stand it.  
When I was sure I was finished I flushed the toilet and brushed my  
teeth. All of a sudden I wished I had asked Sean to stay over. It gets  
really lonely in this big house by yourself. I headed downstairs into my  
dad's study and logged on to the computer. Hmmm... Nothing too interesting in  
my e-mail. Ooh! Free health insurance. I made sure to save that one. I  
clicked onto my journal. Okay, I probably don't look like the person who  
keeps a diary, but it's not really for any personal thoughts. I just put  
goals and motivational stuff in it. Stuff that gets me through the day.  
Okay, let's see:  
_Lunch- Caramel Cappuccino---- 278 calories  
Dinner- Chicken Alfredo---- 344 calories  
Water--- 0 calories!!! (  
Total: 622 calories_  
I furiously typed in the last amount. I was getting sloppy. I had  
eaten 22 extra calories. Tomorrow I'd be paying for it, though. I'd run  
four miles. I remembered my homecoming dress. Make that six miles. I  
quickly typed in at the bottom of the page:  
Lose 10 pounds by homecoming! Two weeks! You can do it!  
I smiled. I was so nice to myself. I jumped when I an instant message  
from Ashley popped up on the screen. I had forgotten I had been logged on  
to my messenger service.  
_AKRocker: Hey. How are you?  
Ellie.: I'm fine. Why?  
_God. When had I gotten so paranoid? I was about ready to have a  
nervous breakdown wondering what Ashley was going to type next. What she  
was going to say to me next.  
_AKRocker: No reason. Just wondering. Can't a friend be nice?  
Ellie.: Sorry. I've been in a completely different world lately.  
AKRocker: Planet Sean?  
Ellie.: Harhar. No. More like Planet Stress.  
AKRocker: Yeah. I know how you feel. Probably been under more stress  
than you.  
_No you don't! You have no fucking idea how I feel, I wanted to type.  
No, I wanted to scream it at her. Why were her problems always so bigger  
than mine? Why were they so much more important? So what. Her boyfriend  
cheated on her like ages ago. My mom left me, my dad was in a war, my  
boyfriend and I have been fighting lately, and I'm being pulled in so many  
different directions at the same time.  
_Ellie.: yeah... so... homecoming. Who are you going with?  
AKRocker: Craig! We're going to win homecoming court for our grade.  
At least, that's what the plan is.  
Ellie.: Didn't think you were into that.  
AKRocker: Well, we did win Luau King and Queen, didn't we?  
Like she'd let anyone forget.  
AKRocker: So I heard you and Sean are going. Didn't think you were  
into that.  
_Bitch.  
_Ellie.: Well. Now we are. Maybe you'll have competition for court.  
Sean's quite the popular guy.  
AKRocker: No he's not. Plus, that can't happen. He's a grade lower  
than us so you guys can't win. Didn't think a person like you would be into  
that. But go ahead and try anyway. I'm not too worried.  
_Couldn't she tell I was joking around? What did she mean a "person  
like me"? Am I so totally different from everyone that I don't enjoy being  
in the center of attention for anything? Or I don't enjoy having friends or  
being liked?  
_Ellie.: That was harsh.  
AKRocker: It's the truth. Like you always say. The truth can be  
brutal.  
Ellie.: Step off.  
AKRocker: What's wrong with you?  
Ellie.: People like you.  
_I logged off. I didn't want to talk to her anymore. I grabbed a  
nearby pen and started to tap it against the desk. It's sort of a habit of  
mine. Ashley thought she was so great. Everyone loved her ever since her  
performance at the rock contest. She used to be the most popular girl in  
school. I guess she was slowly regaining back that title. I scowled. And I  
was just the underdog. Her sidekick. It was time for the sidekick to get a  
little piece of the limelight, though. I smiled. She wasn't too worried  
about anyone beating her out for court. Well... maybe she should be.

_**Sorry if this chapter was totally boring. I was sort of having writer's  
block today but I have some good ideas on the direction this story is going in. I hope Ellie or Sean or anyone for that matter don't seem too out of character or anything. I just thought that everyone gets jealous or competitive at some point. Sorry for Ashley supporters out there if I'm making her out to be a complete bitch. I'm not trying to be but at this point I'm fed up with how whiny and self-involved she's become. I'll redeem her character later. I guess that's it. Thanks for all my reviewers! Glad you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoy writing it! **_


	16. Purple Rain

**Chapter 16: Purple Rain  
  
Ellie's POV**  
The next morning, I was still pissed off about what Ashley had said.  
She was supposed to be one of my good friends. Where did she come off  
saying all that shit to me? I hurriedly twisted my hair into two pigtails  
as Dolce and Gabbana played at my feet. As I tied a ponytail around one  
pigtail, I noticed the two new scars I had put on my arm. Shit. I had  
forgotten all about them. I searched around for a pair of arm warmers. I  
decided on a purple pair. If I was going to wear that dress to homecoming,  
I'd have to find another canvas besides my arms. If anyone saw them they'd  
lock me up for sure. I don't know... Maybe I'd just find some long silk  
gloves and cut the hands of them off. Then I wouldn't have to worry about  
anything.  
The phone started to ring and I quickly picked it up. "Hello?"  
"Hey pumpkin!"  
"Dad! What's up?"  
"Just wanted to say good morning. I can't really talk long at all.  
But I didn't want you to worry or anything."  
"Oh okay. You're still coming home this weekend, right?"  
"Yep. I'll be home Saturday morning. I should be in around 7:30.  
Listen, did your mom take her cell phone with her?"  
I put a hand to my throat and gulped. Okay. I could tell him now. But  
maybe it'd be easiest if I told him when he got home. "No. She went crazy  
and like canceled her phone. Something about losing minutes or... something?  
She didn't want to be disturbed so she didn't even give me a way to reach  
her."  
"Yeah. That sounds like your mom. Okay, sweetie. I have to go. Love  
you."  
"Love you, too." A lot. I hung up the phone and played with the hem  
of my t-shirt. As soon as I was ready to get up from my bed, though, the  
phone rang again.  
"Is Ellie there?"  
"Um. This is she." Why did this voice sound so familiar?  
"Hey, it's Craig." Oh. That's why.  
"Uh. Hey. What's up?"  
He sighed and then blurted out, "I'm really sorry. You have no idea.  
I wanted to apologize for what I did."  
I lifted my eyebrows even though he couldn't even see me. "Okay.  
Apology accepted." Hey, I was a forgiving person.  
"It'll never happen again. But I wanted to know if you were still on  
for today?"  
Today? I racked my brain for any plans I had made for today? Ummmm...  
Oh yeah. We were supposed to take the rest of the pictures today if the  
other ones turned out decent. "How did the pictures turn out?"  
"They're... well... wow. I don't even really know what to say. You have  
to see them."  
"Okay. Yeah, I'm up for it." Not like I had anything better to do  
today unless I wanted to watch Sean mess around with Simpson's car. On  
second thought... Sean... shirtless... using tools... with Emma around. My stomach  
twisted, but I told myself that Emma had another boyfriend and Sean had me.  
He'd never fool around with Emma.  
"Cool. I can pick you up. Joey's letting me use his car while he's  
working."  
"Whatever. Do you know where I live?" I wasn't even bothering to hide  
it anymore. I didn't even care. Plus, I was sure Marco had already told  
everyone I lived in a mansion and my dad was a celebrity in the business  
world.  
"No. Can you tell me?"  
"137 Devaraux Crest. You'll go past the shopping center, past the  
mall..."  
"On 229?"  
"Yeah. Just follow that out west until you see Bienvenue Boulevard.  
You'll take a right there. Take the first left and my house is behind the  
gate to the right."  
"Gate to the right... Okay. I got that. I'll see you in like an hour?"  
"Fine. Bye." I laid back on my pillows. Great... I should have just  
told him to forget it.  
Two hours later Craig rang my doorbell. I watched him out of my  
window as he shifted his weight to one foot, then to the other, over and  
over again. He ran a hand throw his curly hair and then tried knocking. I  
decided I'd go down now.  
"Hey. You're late."  
Craig nodded, "Yeah. It took longer than I expected to get here. Do  
you really walk to school everyday?"  
"Yeah... It's not so bad. You get used to it. Let me see the pictures."  
"They're in the car," He opened the door for me and I slid into the  
front seat. Yeah, this car wasn't too shabby. I could get used to something  
like this. If I had my license that was.  
Craig crawled into the driver's seat and grabbed a manila envelope on  
the dashboard. "Here. They're really good."  
I braced myself for the worst and pulled out the stack of pictures.  
Craig was right. They were good. He was a pretty good photographer. I  
scrutinized the pictures looking for something wrong with my appearance.  
There was something about them... Oh yeah. Where the sleeves were rolled up,  
you could see where I had cut myself. "These can get airbrushed, right?"  
Craig stopped at the stop sign and looked at me, "You mean where you  
cut yourself?"  
I gave him an incredulous look and threw the pictures back in the  
envelope. How did he know? There was no way he could have known unless  
Paige decided to tell some other people. Sean wouldn't have told him. Marco  
couldn't have. He would never do that to me.  
"It's no fucking secret, Ellie. I'm pretty sure everyone in school  
knows by now."  
"Huh. Okay..."  
"Don't get all embarrassed. If you're going to do it, don't be  
embarrassed by it. It's your body. If you want to mess up your life by  
doing that, go ahead."  
"Who said I was messing up my life? You don't know anything, Craig."  
"You're right, I don't. But I can tell a lot by those pictures."  
"Okay, Sigmund Freud. How about we just drop this conversation before  
I start to get really pissed?"  
"Fine. I'm sorry. I shouldn't be doing this. I'm just a little  
nervous around you, that's all."  
I balked. Craig nervous around me? "Um, why?"  
"Because of what happened. I feel like an idiot. Okay, here we are."  
I couldn't disagree with him. He had been an idiot. But so had I. So  
I gave him a small smile before following him back into the studio. Here we  
go again.  
"So we're doing the whole line today. We're going to start out with  
the fall wardrobe and then end with the summer."  
It didn't really matter to me. I let the assistants or whatever you  
wanted to call them do whatever the hell they wanted with me. Hours later,  
we were finally finished except for the last outfit.  
Tasha let out a yawn and walked over to the clothes rack. "Okay, now  
we just have the bikini and then we are finally, finally, finally through!"  
She pulled a skimpy little number off the rack and handed it to me.  
I looked at the bikini. Was this for real? Did Craig really think he  
could pull this one off? I dropped the bikini on the vanity and started to  
walk away. No way was I letting that creep take pictures of me wearing  
basically nothing-  
"Um, Ellie, dear? Where do you think you're going?"  
"I'm not wearing that. No way."  
"You have to. I'm sorry, hon. I know it's a little risqué but the  
designer needs the pictures of it."  
"Well, find someone else. I'm not doing it."  
I started to grab my things and head out, but Tasha stopped me.  
"You're going to walk out just because we need a picture or two of you in a  
bikini? What grade are you in- second?"  
I couldn't believe she had said that to me. I hated it when people  
acted like I was some little kid. But the hell did I want hundreds of  
people – not to mention, all my classmates- looking at pictures of me in a  
little bikini? I didn't even have a body for a bikini. I'd look like a  
little boy playing dress up. I clenched my jaw and took one more look at  
the stupid piece of fabric. Fine. I'd do it. But only because I'd feel like  
a total witch if I walked out on Craig now. "Fine..."  
I grabbed the bikini and went into the dressing room. Maybe the  
designer wouldn't even like the pictures with the bikini. He or she would  
take one look at them and laugh because I couldn't even fill out the top.  
What the hell? I couldn't even figure out the damn top. Where did all these  
strings go?  
"Ellie? Do you need help?" Tasha called from the other side of the  
curtain.  
"Uh..... yeeeah..." I was hopeless.  
She came in and, without a hitch, tied all the strings together. Oh.  
So that's how you did it. It was a pretty cute bikini. I liked the little  
belt on the bottoms.  
"Oh! You look so precious!" Tasha clapped her hands together, earning  
an eye-rolling from me, and pushed me out. "I'm thinking big, huge curls in  
your hair! Just something very soft and beachy."  
Whatever she wanted to do was fine with me. I just wanted to get out  
of there. I checked the clock on the wall and groaned. When it was time for  
me to go out in front of Craig, I made sure to cross my arms and try and  
hide as much skin as possible. I didn't want that little peeping tom  
looking at me.  
I must say, though, that Craig was very professional. He didn't make  
any comments or remarks on my appearance or anything. I appreciated that,  
especially since I felt like a total moron. After awhile we were starting  
to joke around and get pretty crazy with the pictures.  
"How about a nice Baywatch picture now? I can run in slow mo like  
this and you can capture the moment," I started to do a slow-motion run  
with a very dramatic look on my face. "All I need now is David Hasslehoff!"  
Craig snapped a few pictures despite the fact that his arms were  
shaking from laughing. I'm sure those would turn out great. "Okay, I think  
we're finished. Thanks, Ellie."  
I stopped goofing off, "No problem, Craig. Hope they turn out well."  
"I'm sure they will. You need a ride home, right?"  
"Yeah," I called back as I headed into the dressing room.  
Craig dropped me off in front of my house and I was ready to get out when I  
stopped. "Hey, Craig?"  
"Yeah?"  
"What are you doing tonight?"  
Craig froze from putting his camera away back in his case. I'm sure  
he thought I was hitting on him from the look on his face, but I was just  
trying to be friendly. "Um. Nothing."  
"Sean's having a party. It's kind of on the down low, but you should  
definitely come. Anytime after 9:00."  
Craig let a slow smile cross his face. "I'll be there."  
  
**Sean's POV**  
  
I filled up my cup from one of the kegs and looked around my house  
with a satisfied smile. It looked like everyone was having a great time.  
Everyone was chill, no one was going to get alcohol poisoning and totally  
ruin my night like my last party. I glanced at my clock. And it had been  
going on for just over two hours. This was a record.  
I looked across the room at Ellie. She was ridiculously drunk. I  
squinted my eyes- who was she talking to exactly? My shoulders tensed- if  
it was another guy... She moved a little out of the way and I laughed. She  
was having a conversation with a lamp. Um... yeah... I headed on over to save  
her.  
"And so then, I said-"She waved her hands all over the place,  
causing her beer to spill on the carpet.  
I grabbed her arms and held them to her side. "Ellie? Who are you  
talking to?"  
She looked around a bit confused. "Um. I forget his name... No one you  
know."  
I chuckled and kissed her on the cheek before she stumbled over to a  
group of people playing drinking games. I turned my attention to the front  
door as it opened and another group of people came in. Wait a second... what  
were they doing here?  
I gave a half-ass wave to Craig, Ashley, Marco, Dylan, Paige,  
Spinner, Jimmy, and Hazel. Did I invite them? I didn't remember. But I was  
sort of buzzing right now so maybe I had. I walked over and greeted them.  
"What's up, guys?" I punched fists with the guys and gestured to the kegs  
with my head. "The beers over there. Other stuff is over on the kitchen  
counter. You guys staying or what?"  
They looked between themselves and shrugged. Craig came forward, "I  
don't know. Ellie invited us. Well, me. So I figured you guys wouldn't mind  
if we all came. She said it was sort of down low though. This doesn't look  
down low."  
I glanced around and finally noticed how many people were in my  
house. Maybe I should turn the music down a bit. Nah, it was a party. No  
cops would bust it. No cops bothered coming out this far in the slums. They  
wouldn't be caught dead here. I turned my attention back to the group.  
"Well, you know how word gets around. I'll tell Ellie you're here."  
I started my way over to Ellie, who was busy taking even more shots.  
Maybe I should stop her... nah, it was a party. She could handle herself.  
Maybe it'd make things more interesting between us tonight. She tipped back  
a shot glass and reached for a lemon before noticing me standing next to  
her. "Hey pookie!" She chirped. Yeah, she was well on her way to being  
completely smashed.  
"Some friends of yours are here," I whispered into her ear and  
pointed towards the door. She followed my finger and screamed.  
"Wow! I didn't think he'd come! Friends!" She ran over to them, but not  
without tripping over a rug and falling flat on her face. She scrambled up  
quickly and tried to play it cool, but I was already on my knees laughing.  
She put her arms around Marco and Spinner's shoulders, "Whassup you guys?"  
She slurred.  
Spinner looked at her hand and her drunken smile, "Um. Not much,  
party girl."  
"Party girl! Ha! I like that. Come on you guys. Let's get  
belligerent!"  
Marco patted her hand, "I think you're getting enough belligerent for  
the rest of us. Anybody want some water?"  
Loser. I caught Ashley staring at me with her mouth wide open.  
"What?" I challenged her.  
"Craig, I can't believe you brought me here after you know what  
happened to me before."  
What the hell was she talking about? Oh yeah, the whole ecstasy  
thing. I shuddered at the memories of me actually fooling around with her.  
How could I have been so dumb? Although Ellie was being pretty much  
friendly with everyone around her, I noticed she was still glaring at  
Ashley. I wonder what had gone down between them. Maybe I'd ask her later,  
if I could even remember that I cared.  
Ellie grabbed my arm, "Come on Sean. I absolutely love this song!"  
She pulled me towards the living room where a huge group of people was  
dancing. We squeezed our way into the throng of people and started to move  
to the beat. Besides the fact that Ellie was tripping over her feet. I  
grabbed onto her waist and held her closer so she wouldn't fall over. In  
return, she threw her arms around my shoulders and completely put all of  
her weight on me. This wasn't really comfortable. At all.  
It wasn't until 3:00 AM that my party started to die down a bit. By  
then, Jay and his crew were packing up their stuff and heading out. After  
looking extremely uncomfortable at my party, Ashley and them had left  
around midnight. I didn't care. Her and Ellie kept throwing each other  
pissed off looks anyway. So it was three, the house was completely quiet,  
and Ellie and I were dancing. Or what probably just looked like me holding  
her up while she tipped her head back and squealed every now and then.  
Right now her legs were wrapped around my waist and she was  
completely leaning back with her arms stretched out. For some reason she  
kept talking about how pretty the stars looked even though we were inside.  
But I went along with it. Hell, I was even starting to see a few stars  
after she wouldn't stop talking about it. She managed to pull herself back  
up to me and leaned her forehead against mine. Something that always made  
my heart jump and my legs want to go weak.  
I don't know. There was just something about her touching her  
forehead to mine that did something to me. Sometimes, we'd be kissing and  
really into it, and she'd just break apart from me, lean her forehead to  
mine and just look in my eyes. Then after a few minutes she'd start kissing  
me again. This may sound totally lame, but sometimes just the thought of  
her doing that was all that kept me going through the day.  
"Sean?"  
"Hmm?"  
"What are you thinking?" She played with the neck of my shirt.  
I lifted the corner of my mouth as she stared into my eyes. "How  
pretty you are."  
"Oh," She laid her head down on my shoulder. A few minutes later she  
popped it back up. "Sean?"  
"Hmm?"  
"Do you think I'm pretty?"  
I blinked, "I think you're gorgeous."  
"Oh... Sean?"  
"Yeah?"  
"Let's go to bed."  
"Okay."  
Later that night-er-morning, after we had... yeah... she was sleeping  
peacefully as I rubbed her smooth back. I looked at her face smushed up  
against the pillow and decided that that was the sexiest pillow face I'd  
ever seen. We had talked for a bit more as we waited for her to fall  
asleep. She didn't say anything really coherent. I just humored her and  
went along with everything she said.  
Just watching her chatter on and on, even while we were in the middle  
of having sex, about absolutely nothing, I knew I could listen to her  
forever. This was scary because I've never felt like this before. I've  
never looked at a girl and wondered what the hell I'd do without her.  
That's how I feel around Ellie. I can't imagine where I'd be right now if  
it weren't for her. I'd be in Alberta, working some shitty job because I  
dropped out of school. Never having a happy life because I could never get  
a decent job. I'd be ruined.  
I've never believed in a higher being. Never in all my life did I  
think there was some... thing... up there, looking out for us or whatever. I  
thought it was every man for himself. But when I look at Ellie, I start to  
think that maybe there is someone out there looking out for me. Because I  
know I don't deserve a girl like her. I don't deserve anything as perfect  
as she is. I hooked my right arm behind my head and lifted my other hand to  
her cheek. I almost want to kill myself at how dorky this sounds, but every  
fucking day I thank God that I have her in my life.  
  
**Ellie's POV**  
  
I took another sip of my coffee and listened for the sounds of Sean  
getting up. Nope. He was still asleep. Damn, that boy could sleep. I stole  
a glance at the clock and saw that it was already noon. Today I was  
supposed to transport toys from a toy drive to the local orphanage by 3:00.  
I was hoping Sean would help me. I got up too quickly and grabbed my head.  
Ow. That killed. Someone had one too many shots last night.  
I tiptoed into his room and covered my mouth before I could laugh at  
how funny he looked all passed out on the bed. Well... as they say... desperate  
times call for desperate measures. I took a running start and threw myself  
on top of him.  
"Ow!" Sean thrashed his arms and legs around trying to knock me off  
of him. His eyes were slits as he moaned in pain.  
"Sowwy!" I cooed in baby talk. I adjusted myself so I was straddling  
him. "Pookie, I need your help today."  
"Don't even call me 'pookie' after you were just that cruel."  
I flopped herself down on top of me and kissed my nose. "Well,  
anyone, you're going to help me take some boxes down to the orphanage."  
That got Sean's attention. He opened his eyes back up wide. "I'm  
what?"  
"Well, there was this toy drive I started at my dad's companies for  
the orphanage downtown," I started to explain. "And it's over with, so I  
have to take all the boxes down there by three. And I need your help."  
"Or not..." Sean rolled over causing me to fall off of him.  
I slapped the back of his head. "Sean!"  
He opened one eye and sighed. "Fine... I said fine!"  
I kissed him again, "Thanks. I'm going to go home now and get ready.  
Drink some coffee. I'll pick you up at quarter till."  
"Pick me up?"  
"One of the company drivers is driving me. So be ready, okay?"  
Sean nodded and I squeezed his shoulder affectionately. I could  
convince him to do anything.  
At three, Sean and I trudged into the orphanage loaded down with  
boxes. When I had started the drive, I had expected maybe one or two. But  
each company had had about three or four boxes each! I would label this  
fundraiser a huge success. It was going to feel really good to tell  
Cynthia, the head of the orphanage, about the outcome.  
I caught sight of Cynthia walking to her office and called out her  
name. She looked at me and instantly grabbed a box that was about to fall  
out of my hands. "Thanks! I guess I shouldn't have tried to carry two at  
the same time."  
"I tried telling her..." Sean piped in. I scowled at him.  
"Oh, Ellie. This is wonderful!" Cynthia had opened one of the boxes  
to look inside. "The kids are going to love this!"  
I put down my box and kneeled next to her. "I know! You won't believe  
the support I received for this. We have eleven boxes total. Two of them  
are full of books, which I thought was great. A lot of the books are  
falling apart here."  
"I know. I've always wanted to replace them, but funding isn't... well...  
enough. Oh, and coloring books!" She picked out a brand new coloring book  
and flipped through it. "The kids were just asking me when we'd get new  
ones."  
"Well. There's a box full of those too. Listen, Sean and I will go  
get the rest of the boxes and we can take them in."  
"I'll have Matt and Sarah help you," she said referring to two other  
employees.  
Sean and I started back to the van we had come here in. Sean grabbed  
my hand even though it was a short walk. My cheeks started to flush and I  
smiled at him. "So, do you come here a lot?" He asked me.  
"Well. As much as I can. I usually come on Sundays or something when  
I have more time. I try and come once a week to read with the kids. Some of  
them are just learning to read, so the practice is good for them."  
"It'd make me too sad to be here all the time."  
"It is sad," I struggled to lift a box of board games and Sean helped  
me out. "But they don't have anyone else." I didn't tell him that I kind of  
knew what they were going through. I hadn't had much parental supervision  
when I was growing up. My parents were both always so busy. I guess you  
could say I grew up way too fast- learning to do laundry and cook before I  
was nine, always working so hard, having sex and partying before getting  
out of junior high... I just wanted the kids at the orphanage to have someone  
they could grow up with.  
"You're really something, Miss Nash. You know that?"  
I blushed. "Wait till you see the kids, Sean. They're adorable. Oh,  
and there are three babies. I mean, babies. They're so tiny! I love playing  
with them and-"  
  
**Sean's POV**  
  
"-playing with them and watching them sleep..." I listened to Ellie  
babble on about the little babies at the orphanage.  
She was utterly amazing. I couldn't stop thinking that as we unloaded  
the rest of the boxes and started to take them into the actual room where  
the kids played. As soon as she walked in, the kids swarmed to her,  
practically knocking her over.  
"Ellie! Will you read to us!"  
"Will you play dress-up with me?"  
"Let's color!"  
They all were trying to pull her in different directions, tugging on  
her skirt and wrapping themselves around her legs. Ellie nodded and told  
them she'd play with them in a second.  
"Who are you?" I looked down and saw a little African-American boy  
looking at me with an accusatory look.  
"I'm Ellie's friend."  
"Well... I'm her boyfriend, so back off!" He stuck his tongue out at me  
and ran off, hiding behind a dollhouse.  
Ellie gave me a surprised look and we laughed together. She grabbed  
my hand, "You better watch out for Trey. He's real protective..."  
"Yeah. I can tell," I took a box full of books and drug it over to  
the near empty bookshelf and started to shelve them. Trey came running back  
up to me. He must have been like six or seven years old.  
"Why were you holding her hand?"  
I shrugged and kept my attention on the books, "Um. Because I'm her  
boyfriend."  
"Fool! I'll pop a cap in yo' ass!" Trey shrieked and ran off again.  
Oh god... Ellie came and started to help me, tucking her skirt  
underneath her. "What?" She asked when she noticed the look on my face.  
"You're little boyfriend told me he was going to pop a cap in my  
ass." Ellie fell over laughing and I kept shelving books.  
"Oh Lord! You better lock your doors at night." She pinched my cheek  
roughly and averted her attention to the little girl who had came up to her  
other side. "Hey Gracie!"  
The little girl's blonde curls bounced as she rocked back and forth  
on her heels, "Ellie, will you play tea party with us?"  
Ellie turned to me and opened her mouth, but I cut her off. "Go  
ahead. I'm fine."  
"Thanks Sean!" She gave me a grateful look and ran over to the little  
set of table and chairs set up in the corner of the room. Five other little  
girls were already sitting there and she joined them, grabbing a cup for  
herself.  
As I was shelving books, I kept finding myself paying more attention  
to her and how she was interacting with the little girls. They all held  
their pinkies up in the air as they took sips of their "tea" and talk with  
British accents. She was so at ease with them. And when Cynthia brought  
over one of the babies for Ellie to hold, the baby immediately stopped  
crying and started to suck on one of her braids.  
So this is what it would be like if we had kids. Woah... What. The. Fuck. Did  
I really just think that? I narrowed my eyebrows and looked down at the  
book in my hands. It was shaking because I was shaking. I can't believe I  
just thought that. But was it so odd for me to wonder what it would be  
like? Did I ever think that when I was with Emma or Amy? I tried to think  
of a time, something to help convince myself that it wasn't odd, but I knew  
deep down that I had never thought of Emma or Amy in that way. I had never  
looked at either one of them and wondered what it would be like if we were  
married, had kids, and a dog. That meant that I lo- no... I liked Ellie. That  
was it. A very strong like. Nothing more. Hopefully I'd be able to convince  
myself that before I blurted out something I shouldn't.

**_Revelations! It didn't seem like too much happened in this chapter, but the last revelation is pretty dern important. I have a mild obsession with elipses, so excuse that. They just keep coming out. I'm not a big fan of going back through the whole chapter and picking out which words I meant to italicize or anything, so sorry for that, too. Let's see... yeah, some of the stuff Ellie did while drunk is based on real life experiences. But Ellie seemed like a kind of girl who'd help out some poor kids at an orphanage. And it kind of will play a very important part in the story later on. You'll just have to wait and see! harhar. And well... look for Ellie's dad to finally come home in the next chapter. Yay! Thanks for reading and appreciate the awesome awesome reviews._**


	17. Float On

**Chapter 17: Float On  
  
Ellie's POV**  
I punched the power button to my CD player and nodded my head to the  
beat of Modest Mouse while I ran a comb through my wet hair. This was it.  
My dad was coming home this morning. I had made sure to set my alarm and  
get up early enough that I could be ready on time. The plan was to take my  
dad's car down to the bus station –illegally of course since I don't have a  
license- and pick him up. Then we were going to come home, spend some  
quality time together, and then go out to dinner with Sean later this  
evening.  
It felt like my heart was in my throat and, no matter how hard I  
tried, I couldn't get it to go back down. Basically, I was so excited I  
thought I might pass out. I French braided my hair into two buns and  
checked out my work in the mirror. Pretty good. My dad loved my hair like  
this. The phone ringing made me jump out of my seat and thoughts. Who could  
be calling this early? I reached over for the phone.  
"Ellie?" It was Marco.  
"Marco? What's up?"  
"Just wondering how excited you were. About your dad coming home,  
that is." I could hear him smiling over the phone causing me to break out  
into my five millionth grin that morning.  
"I'm not that excited... Totally kidding! I'm jumping off the walls."  
"I wish I could see that."  
Then I remembered that Marco needed to meet my dad too. "Hey Marco,  
why don't you come out to dinner with my dad, Sean, and I? I really want  
you to meet him."  
"I don't want to intrude on your time with him..."  
"Whatev. Sean's already going to be there. That boy will do anything  
for a free meal."  
Marco agreed and mulled it over a bit. "Eh, I guess. If you're sure  
it's okay with you."  
"Definitely. My best friend, boyfriend, and dad. It's perfect. I'll  
call you later, okay?"  
"Yeah. Have fun, Elle."  
I said good-bye and hung up. I gasped when I saw the time on the  
clock. I had to hurry if I wanted to get there a little early. I reapplied  
some more lip-gloss and grabbed my purse off of the bed. On the way over to  
the station I'd have to think of what to tell my dad about mom. I had no  
idea how I was going to handle this.  
"Dad!" I waved my arm and jumped up and down so he could see me over  
the crowd at the station. He heard me call his name and looked towards me.  
God... He looked so... different. His face was all tan and I couldn't tell if  
he looked skinnier or if he was more muscular. I almost forgot what my dad  
looked like before he left.  
My dad walked towards me and I couldn't stop myself from frowning at  
how tired he looked. "Hey sweetie!" He pulled me into a huge hug and just  
held me. We let go after a few minutes and laughed at what emotional messes  
we had become.  
"Wow. Canada looks so different after being over there! I could get  
used to this," He commented as we walked over to get his bags.  
"Well, it's too cold for us to get a nice tan like you have, but, we  
make do..."  
He ran a hand over his face, "Oh yeah. The sun is brutal over there.  
I'm definitely spending quality time with the air conditioning!" He tossed  
me a grin and I wondered if it mirrored my own. "So, when are we going to  
dinner?"  
"Well, I told Sean we'd pick him up at 7:00. And Marco's going to  
come with us now, too." I grabbed one of my dad's bags and helped transport  
it back to the car.  
"Sean? Marco?" My dad asked.  
"I thought mom was the absent-minded one, dad. Sean and Marco are my  
friends."  
"What, no girls?" He teased. He knew I had always been better friends  
with guys than girls. Girls were usually too catty towards me.  
"Wait until you see the precious little kittens Sean gave me, daddy.  
You are going to adore them."  
"Sounds like Sean is more than a friend."  
"I don't think so."  
My dad was so protective of me that I knew if I told him Sean was my  
boyfriend he'd certainly give him the third-degree tonight at dinner. I'd  
rather save Sean the humiliation. The rest of the ride home we talked about  
stuff going on in my life- schoolwork, co-op, friends... I told him about the  
battle of the bands and my adventures at the first Saturday detention.  
"You're becoming the original renegade, huh, Ellie?" My dad turned  
into our driveway and gave me a surprised look.  
"Dad, you are so lame."  
"Hey, I'm pretty cool for an old geezer."  
"Considering you're not an old geezer..."  
My dad walked into the house and made a big deal of hugging all the  
furniture and kissing his precious screen TV. He grabbed a bottle of scotch  
and a glass. "Now for a celebratory drink. I wish your mom was here."  
Yeah. So she could get plastered and spend the rest of the night  
yelling at me, telling me how worthless I was, and making me want to run  
away? I shook my head hard. I knew my mom never got like that when my dad  
was around. She could usually hold her own when she was drinking, except  
without my dad she was out of control. My dad didn't realize how bad it  
was, though. I chose not to ruin his picture-perfect impression of my mom.  
I nodded in agreement and drummed my fingernails on the kitchen counter as  
he looked through all the mail.  
"Why are there so many bills?" He held up a stack of envelopes.  
I pretended not to know why they were all there. Because I still had  
to find a way to pay them. "I guess your mom forgot to send them over to  
Eddie." Eddie was my dad's finance go-to guy. I wanted to smack my hand  
against my forehead. Of course. Eddie. I should have remembered this. "Oh  
well. I'll take them over to his office sometime this week."  
My dad yawned and rubbed his eyes. "I'm tired. I think I'll go take a  
nap."  
As he headed up the stairs I remembered the condition of his and  
mom's bedroom. Her clothes completely gone. I ran up the stairs to stop  
him. "Dad! You can't go in there!"  
"Why not?"  
"Mom! Mom was working on it. New paint and everything. It's supposed  
to be a surprise."  
Okay, that lie was totally lame. I'm not used to lying to my dad  
though. I usually tell him everything. My dad gave me a weird look- almost  
as if he didn't buy my story (which I couldn't blame him if he didn't)- but  
headed back downstairs. "I guess I'll just sleep in my chair." He took a  
seat in his oversized armchair and reclined back.  
I smiled. Okay, the secret was safe for now. Maybe I could pull it  
off for longer than I thought. I sat on the couch with a book, wanting to  
be near my dad, even if he was just sleeping. I couldn't wait until he  
would come back for good and my life could go back to normal. If it had  
ever been normal at all in the first place.  
  
**Sean's POV**  
  
I wiped the palms of my hands on the knees of my khakis for probably  
the fortieth time that night. I couldn't help it. Ellie's dad was making me  
nervous. He kept telling me to call him Christian, but I couldn't. It was  
too weird. Of course, Marco was chatting it up with him like no one's  
business. I hated how Marco could talk so easily with anyone and not get  
embarrassed or nervous or anything. They acted like they were old buddies  
and Ellie kept giving Marco proud little looks. I wish she'd look at me  
that way.  
I must have been starting my nervous habit of knocking my fist  
against the table because Ellie swiftly kicked me from across the table,  
despite the constant jiggling of her other leg. She gave me a look that  
obviously was meant to imply that I be friendly. I was trying. He was just  
intimidating.  
"So Sean, what is it that you do?" Mr. Nash... Christian... asked after  
he took a sip of water.  
"I don't know," I mumbled. Ellie kicked me again. "I mean, um, I go  
to school."  
Mr. Nash laughed, "Yeah, I guess that much. But hobbies? Do you have  
a job?"  
"Not really-"  
Ellie cut in, "Oh Sean is really good at fixing things. Like cars.  
He's really into mechanics."  
Mr. Nash raised his eyebrows, "Well, maybe I'll have you look at one  
of my old cars. It's an old Corvette. Could use some work."  
"A Corvette?!" I couldn't believe that he had a Corvette. That was  
like the perfect car.  
Ellie gazed adoringly up at her dad, "Yes. Daddy's into collecting  
cars."  
I prayed the food would hurry and get here. I just wanted to eat and  
get the hell out of here. This tie was choking me. "Really, Sean?" I looked  
up at Mr. Nash's voice. Really, what?  
"Uhh..." I looked at Ellie and shook my head slightly.  
She glowered at me, "Tell my dad that your into medicine."  
I resisted the urge to scream. I was that on edge. "Yeah. Kind of."  
Ellie made a big show of rolling her eyes, "Not kind of. He's really  
into it. He's going to go to medical school and be a doctor."  
That seemed to impress Mr. Nash. His eyes lit up and he leaned  
forward. "Did Ellie tell you that both my brother and father are doctors?  
Also Elisabeth's – my wife's- sister is a pediatrician. Good for you,  
Sean."  
I smiled tightly and grabbed a roll from the breadbasket. It crumbled  
apart as I attempted to butter it and I quickly swept all the crumbs on the  
floor before anyone could see what a mess I had made. "Calm down," I heard  
Marco whisper to me. I wanted to punch him in the face.  
Mr. Nash's cell phone rang and he excused himself to go answer it.  
Ellie followed him with her eyes and snapped her head back to me as soon as  
he was out of sight. "Are you trying to ruin dinner on purpose or are you  
that stupid?" She hissed.  
I threw down the knife I was holding and it made a loud clang on the  
china. She looked at all the people staring at us and apologized. I shook  
my head in disbelief. "Sean! Answer me!"  
"I'm not doing anything, okay?"  
"Exactly. You're being rude. You're not even talking to my dad. Marco  
can find like a trillion things to say to my dad and I had to force a hello  
out of you. What is your problem?"  
"I'm a little nervous, okay?"  
"That doesn't excuse anything. I'm surprised my dad's not bored to  
tears having to watch you act like an idiot."  
"Then why the hell did you invite me? You know how I get around  
adults. They fucking look down on me. Meanwhile, your sitting over there  
acting like I'm a little child and like I can't speak for myself. Who said  
I was going to medical school, huh? You won't even let me answer his  
questions. You keep butting in trying to make me look like I'm some  
perfect, straight-A... male form of Liberty."  
"Guys..." Marco tried to calm us down.  
"Ugh!" Ellie grabbed a roll from the basket and threw it at my head  
before leaving the table for the "powder room" as she put it. Who the hell  
says powder room anyway? Only some pretentious, stuck up snob does.  
Ten minutes later she returned and grabbed my hand from across the  
table. "I'm sorry. I'm nervous too, okay? I really want you to impress my  
dad."  
"I want to, too. Don't think you're the only one."  
She took a deep breath, "Okay. From now on, you say what you want. I  
won't butt in. Except... don't tell him we're dating yet, okay? I want to see  
what he thinks of you first."  
Oh okay. So first we're going to see if her dad likes me before she  
tells him that I'm her boyfriend. Whatever. I'd let it go. I could tell she  
was really trying here to be nice. We stopped talking as Mr. Nash sat back  
down at the table, just as the food arrived.  
I studied his face. He kept glancing nervously at Ellie before going  
back to eating his dinner. Ellie didn't even notice. She just kept right on  
cutting her chicken and chattering about the homecoming dance and  
everything else. Finally Mr. Nash set his fork down and sighed. "Elle, I  
got some bad news."  
She stopped mid-chew and swallowed. "What?"  
"That phone call was from Peter and Damien. Supposedly there's some  
trouble going on at the branch back in Montreal. I'm going to have to go  
and settle things out."  
Ellie looked at the family eating next to us. "That's cool. When will  
you be back?"  
"That's the thing. I have to go there, and who knows how long that'll  
take, but then there's also some marketing strategies and about a dozen  
contracts I need to go over with Terrence."  
"Terrence? So, you're telling me you're going to Montreal tonight and  
then Tokyo when you're finished?"  
Mr. Nash put his fingers to his temples and leaned on the table.  
"Yeah," he murmured, not even having the decency to look at her.  
I could see tears starting to form in Ellie's eyes and I wanted to  
shake her dad and make him look at her. She hadn't seen him in over a month  
and here he was, giving her one day before wasting the rest of his two  
weeks on business. What the hell did he do anyway that was so damn  
important?  
"Why do you even bother having partners or letting other people run  
your companies if they can't even do it without you? That's fucking  
ridiculous," She threw her napkin onto the table.  
"Watch it, Ellie. I can't help it, okay? This stuff is too important.  
You wouldn't understand," He looked at his watch. "I have to finish up here  
in the next twenty minutes. I have a plane to catch. I'm doing this for  
you, sweetie. You know that."  
"Yeah, I know that. Excuse me..." I watched as Ellie headed in the  
direction of the restrooms. I shook my head with disgust at her dad's  
attitude as I cut the steak in front of me. Marco tried to lower the  
tension in the air by stupidly asking, "So how 'bout them Maple Leafs?" I  
glared at him and he shrugged. What a moron. I glanced at Ellie's barely  
touched dinner and wondered if she'd want me to get it to go. Then I  
realized that I had worse things to worry about. Ellie's cutting knife  
wasn't on her plate. I laughed in disbelief quietly to myself. I wondered  
how many times Ellie was going to cut herself in the bathroom. I pushed my  
plate away from me. Suddenly, I had lost my appetite.  
  
**Ellie's POV  
**  
I couldn't tear my eyes away from the cuts I had made. It was like I  
was mesmerized by the line of blood creeping down my arm onto the floor.  
This was so stupid. Why should I feel like a failure because my dad would  
rather spend his vacation time with his business buddies? I tore a piece of  
toilet paper off of the roll and wiped at my arm carefully. I switched my  
gaze to the knife that was lying on the floor. I didn't want to risk being  
caught with it when I went back. I'd just leave it here.  
I stood up and smoothed the wrinkles out of my skirt. What a waste-  
wearing a brand new outfit, cleaning the entire house, worrying the entire  
night of what I'd say about mom... All this for only a eleven hours with my  
dad. Just thinking of that brought along a whole new wave of feeling  
desperate and unwanted. I darted back into the stall and picked the knife  
up again. I just had to do one more cut. That's it. Then I'd be satisfied.  
I drug the sharp blade across a closed up wound. Angry tears stung the  
corners of my eyes.  
I rolled down the sleeve of my top and looked at my face in the  
mirror. Not bad. My eyes were a little red, but nothing noticeable. As soon  
as I walked out of the door, I ran into Sean. "You okay?" He asked. I  
didn't say anything, but just walked past him. He followed me and put a  
comforting hand on the small of my back.  
"Where's my dad?" I asked Marco when I got back to the table.  
Marco looked at me nervously, "He had to go. The plane was ready. He  
said he'd call you tomorrow morning."  
"Whatever..." I mumbled and grabbed my purse. "It's not like I care  
anyway, right?"  
Marco stood up and pushed his chair in. "Right..." He echoed  
unconvincingly.  
"So boys. What do you want to do now?" I decided I was going to hold  
my head high. Who cared? I'd gotten by without my dad just fine for a month  
now. It's not like I needed him or anything. I knew how to take care of  
myself. "How about we rent movies and watch them at my place. Just us  
three. It'll be fun. You guys can bond."  
Sean let out a laugh and then stopped when I looked at him. Marco  
shrugged. "Well... don't look too excited, guys." I grabbed both of their  
arms and pulled them out of the restaurant.  
We took a taxi to the local video rental store and fought over what  
movies to rent. Or should I say Marco and I fought against Sean.  
"I'm telling you, Ellie. I have a feeling you'll like this one," He  
held up a DVD cover that featured an alien holding a machine gun.  
"Yeeeah... How about this?" I picked up Hitchcock's Rear Window.  
"Oh yeah. That one is good," Marco agreed.  
"You're such a girl," Sean replied before trying to convince me to  
rent another cheesy action film.  
Finally, I laid my foot down. "Okay, we're getting Rear Window,  
Legends of the Fall, and Toy Soldiers."  
Sean gave me a blank look. "Those sound so lame."  
"No, listen. Rear Window will allow Marco and I some intellectual  
stimulation. You can take a nap or whatever during it, okay? Legends of the  
Fall gives Marco and I yummy Brad Pitt and you some fighting. Toy Soldiers  
will turn me into an emotional mess, Marco can dream of attending an all  
boys school, and you will appreciate the use of guns and other techniques  
of violence. Got it?"  
Marco had pretty much zoned out at the mention of Brad Pitt's name  
and Sean tried to resist a little more before finally giving in and  
agreeing. I marched up to the front of the store and grabbed a two bottles  
of Dr. Pepper and Cherry Coke each. "Pick out what you guys want."  
"I'll just drink one of those," Marco replied.  
"Uh, these are for me. Pick out your own." I called out over my  
shoulder as I went to the register.  
****

**Marco's POV**  
I suddenly turned off Rear Window and turned on the couch so I was  
facing Ellie. Sean had fallen asleep on her shoulder after we finished the  
other two movies. Ellie gave me a weird face. "Why'd you turn it off? I was  
ready for the climax."  
"Okay. There's no way that you can be all fine and okay after what  
just happened."  
She shifted in the seat and crossed her arms. "What do you mean?"  
"You know exactly what I mean, Ellie. You've been waiting for your  
dad to come home forever. And he let you down."  
She laughed dryly, "Everyone lets me down. I'm used to it."  
I closed my eyes and tried to think of something I could say to try  
and make her feel better. But I didn't know what to say. I've never been in  
this situation before. My family has always been around, my parents are  
constantly bugging me, and that used to piss me off. Now, after meeting  
Ellie and guessing what it must be like for her, I'm starting to like the  
fact that my family is borderline annoying. "Well... I don't know what to  
say."  
Ellie put a hand on my knee and squeezed, "Listen pal. I'm okay.  
Seriously. I know how to handle this!" She smiled hugely to show me she was  
okay and that made me feel a little better.  
I gestured towards Sean, "Are you going to get him to bed?"  
Ellie made a face and stuck her tongue out. "I'm too tired to lug him  
up to my room. I'll just... wake him up!" She jumped on him and started to  
tickle his sides.  
Sean jumped off the couch and glared at her before heading on  
upstairs. Ellie gave me a scared look and burst out laughing. "He can be so  
touchy sometimes!" She whispered to me so he couldn't hear her.  
I heard Sean mutter a "screw you" from up the stairs and I started  
laughing too. "Okay, let's finish the movie. I can now fully concentrate on  
the genius that is Hitchcock."  
Ellie snuggled up against my side and we finished the movie. This  
reminded me of old times at my house- watching movies and then discussing...  
okay gossiping about people at school. I smiled to myself. I just really  
hoped that no one else in Ellie's life let her down.  
  
**Sean's POV**  
  
I woke up to the sound of someone coughing and gagging. I opened my  
eyes and, at first, didn't recognize where I was until I saw Ellie's  
artwork framed on the wall opposite the bed. I yawned and wiped at my eyes.  
Was Marco or Ellie sick? I glanced at the clock next to the bed and  
realized it was past three in the morning.  
My feet touched the carpet and I started to follow the sound. It was  
coming from a bathroom down the hall. I knocked on the door, "Ellie?"  
The coughing stopped and it was silent. I knocked again, "Ellie?"  
"Yeah?" She answered.  
"Are you okay?"  
I heard her sigh and move around the bathroom, "Yeah. I think I have  
a bug or something. I feel like shit."  
I could hear her brushing her teeth. I leaned against the wall, my  
eyes threatening to close and fall asleep, until she came out a few minutes  
later. She did look sick. Her pupils were dilated and there was sheen of  
sweat covering her forehead. She rested her head against the wall next to  
mine and smiled. "Let's go do something."  
"What are you talking about?"  
"I don't know. Let's just go. Let's take one of my dad's cars and  
just... go."  
I laughed, thinking she was just joking around and started to pull  
her towards her bedroom, but she grabbed her hand back. "I'm serious!" She  
insisted.  
"Ellie, you're sick. It's three in the morning. I'm tired. I'm going  
to bed. Come on."  
"No!" She banged her fist against the wall.  
"Are you drunk or something?" I squinted at her face. She was acting  
weird.  
She giggled and whispered in my ear, "Or something..."  
I raised an eyebrow and caught both of her wrists, "Yeah, you're  
drunk. Come on. Let's get you to bed."  
Ellie resisted a bit more before finally relaxing and getting into  
bed. As soon as I crawled in next to her, she rolled over on top of me and  
started to kiss my neck. I enjoyed it for awhile before stopping her, "So  
the plan is to get me throwing up?"  
"I'm not sick. I'll be fine." She smiled against my lips and then  
kissed me.  
"At least we'll be sick together."  
She touched my forehead with hers. "Yeah," She whispered.

**I think I have a tendency to make everyone act like jerks. First Ashley,  
now Ellie's dad. Oh well. He means well. I'll redeem everyone later, as I said before. So sorry if the chapter sucked. I wasn't too happy with it. Look forward to a few tiffs between Ashley and Ellie in the next chapter and showing a more competitive side to Ellie. Thanks for the awesome reviews. I apologize for the suckiness of this chapter.**


	18. The Hard Way

**Chapter 18: The Hard Way  
  
Ashley's POV**  
Mondays. I hate them. But who likes them in the first place? The  
first thing on my list to do was to publicize mine and Craig's interest in  
being on homecoming court. Hopefully everyone would nominate us! Then, I  
had to find Ellie and talk to her. We had not talked at all during the  
break, except for the brief moment I saw her at Sean's party. What was  
going on with her? It wasn't like her to act like this. I guess sometimes  
you truly don't know a person. But I was hoping to maybe see what was going  
on with her.  
"Hey Terri!" I called down the hall towards my friend. She was  
looking so much better since the accident with Rick. "Will you do me a  
favor?"  
Terri nodded, "Sure, Ash. What is it?"  
"Tell everyone to nominate me and Craig for homecoming?"  
"Oh, no problem! Have you heard who else is going for it?"  
We started walking towards our lockers, which were located pretty  
close to each other's. "No. Who?"  
"Well, there's Paige and Spin and Jimmy and Hazel, of course. Also  
Heather Sinclaire, Ken Fetch, Walter Hymen, Becky Smith, and Cindy Dennis  
are all nominated. But get this..."  
I braced myself for what could either be a huge surprise or a huge  
letdown. Terri was known for getting excited over the stupidest things.  
Terri let out a sharp breath and giggled, "Okay... there are two other people  
nominated so far. They're a couple..."  
"Terri, who is it?" I asked quickly. With all these people being  
nominated, it was really hurting my chance. I couldn't believe I was  
getting this worked up over a dance title, but for some reason it was  
really important to me. I knew how well I was liked by everyone, but now I  
wanted everyone to know. I think I still resented how I had been snubbed  
last year and had been in the background ever since.  
"Sean and Ellie! Can you believe it? Those two seem like the least  
likely to even be at the dance..."  
"Who nominated them?"  
"Oh, a bunch of people. I think it's a joke. Jay and his group, or  
should I say 'thugs', did. Marco, Dylan and his friends, some of the really  
artsy people, the alternative crowd- you know... the 'freaks'..." She whispered  
the last part as we passed a group of the aforementioned crowd.  
I let out an annoyed sigh and turned to Terri. "People can vote for  
nominees more than once, right?"  
"Oh yeah, of course."  
"Okay, Terri. Work the crowd," I gave her a big smile and then set  
off to find Ellie. There had to be some explanation for this.  
I found her in the art room working on some sort of metal jewelry.  
She looked up when she heard me cough, but turned her attention back to the  
bracelet she was hammering when she saw it was me. Play nice, play nice,  
play nice was all I was thinking. "Hey Ellie," I said.  
"Hey," she replied back in her soft voice.  
"I like that bracelet," I touched a nearby necklace she had made.  
"This too."  
"Thanks," She smiled.  
"Listen, I'm sorry about the other night. I was pretty rude. I was a  
little on edge."  
She met my eye, "It's okay. I've been on edge too."  
I ran a hand through my short hair and pulled a chair over to where  
she was sitting. She turned her chair around so she was facing me and  
crossed her tube-sock covered legs. Lime green and yellow stripes. "Do you  
know you're wearing miss-matched socks?"  
She looked down confused. "No they're both yell- Oh. Well, now I do."  
She shrugged and played with the pleats in her brown plaid skirt.  
"Cute shirt," I pointed towards her bright green rugby jersey.  
She tugged at her yellow suspenders, "Thanks. My cousin plays- this  
is his from like the sixth grade. He's twenty now."  
"Oh. How vintage. So, a bunch of people nominated you for homecoming.  
And Sean."  
She laughed slightly, "Yeah, crazy. Oh well. Give me the people what  
they want, right?"  
"Right," I said through gritted teeth. Why was she being so  
frustrating? Why wouldn't she just say she was planning on dropping out?  
"So are you really going to go through with it? I mean, Sean doesn't even  
want to go to the dance, let alone be nominated for something as stupid as  
sophomore homecoming king."  
Ellie narrowed her eyes and leaned closer, "If it's so stupid, then  
why are you telling everyone to nominate you and Craig?"  
I didn't know what to say. She had caught me. "It's just... this isn't  
you. You're not the type of person who wants to win something that's  
totally based on popularity."  
"I didn't think you were either."  
"Listen, Ellie. Before I befriended you, I was the most popular girl  
in the school, okay?"  
Ellie grabbed the hammer she had been working with and started to hit  
the metal bracelet again, "before you befriended me? Honey, you were the  
one ditched by all your friends. Don't act as if I was some charity case. I  
was fine."  
"Oh yeah. Because you had so many friends yourself," I stood up.  
"Listen, I'm going before we both say things we don't mean. I'm not trying  
to be cruel, Ellie. I'm just really surprised with your recent behavior.  
Maybe Sean isn't as good for you as you thought." With that, I turned on my  
heel and walked out of the art room.  
On my way out, I ran into a few girls from Ellie's art class. I  
didn't even know their names but I gave this a huge smile. "Vote for me and  
Craig!" I chirped. All of a sudden, this was more than just showing  
everyone who was well liked around this school, who had been through a year  
of hell and still managed to be nice to everyone, who deserved it the most.  
I just wanted to beat Ellie. That sounds so horrible. I sound like some  
jealous freak. Maybe I was. Who knows. God... It really sucks when you're  
best friend is your competition.  
  
**Ellie's POV  
**  
I dropped my head into my arms. When had Ashley become so psycho?  
This whole thing was so frustrating. I really needed a hug right now. I  
picked my head back up and grabbed the hammer on the table. My metal  
bracelet had fallen into my skirt and I swung at it with the hammer. I  
missed it completely and hit my thigh. It hurt, but in a good way. I looked  
at the girls in the back to see what they were doing. They were busy. I  
swung at the bracelet again- "accidentally" missing it. I did it a few more  
times before I became scared that maybe I was going to break my bone. Then  
I stopped. I didn't want to go that far. Then again, maybe I wouldn't have  
to come to school and hang around with people who just pretend to be your  
friends.  
  
**Marco's POV  
**  
I stopped, out of breath, outside the art room. I knew Ellie came in  
here sometimes to work on art before school started. I just had to tell her  
my big news. I noticed Ashley leaving the art room from the other door,  
looking pretty pissed before smiling and stopping to talk to a few girls. I  
didn't bother saying hi.  
I peeked inside the room and saw Ellie hanging out at a table. She  
looked pretty upset herself. Her head was in her hands. I was about to call  
out to her the expression on her face stopped me. She angrily grabbed her  
hammer and started hitting at whatever she had just placed carefully on her  
lap. What the hell was she doing?  
"Ellie?" I asked confused when she had finally set the hammer down.  
She looked up with a guilty look on her face, "yeah, Marco?"  
"What are you doing? Did you hurt yourself?"  
She stood up and grabbed what looked like a bracelet and necklace.  
"Yeah, I was working on this stupid bracelet and it fell in my lap. I  
thought I'd be able to hit it, but I hit my leg instead. I must not have  
been thinking," She started to walk towards me, limping slightly. She  
walked past me and put her things in her art cubby.  
Her bracelet hadn't "dropped" in her lap. I had watched her as she  
picked it up and put it there. I pretended to shrug it off, but I couldn't  
get the picture of my head... that and the scars on her arms that one night  
she had showed me. She told me she had stopped when I had asked her about  
it. What if she hadn't?  
"So, is there anything new going on?" She brought me out of my  
thoughts.  
Suddenly, I remembered me news. "Ellie, you are not going to believe  
this! It's great, really cool, you'll freak-"  
She grabbed my arm with both hands and squeezed, "Just tell me before  
I die of anticipation!" her eyes were wide and her mouth was held open  
expectantly. She looked even more excited than I did.  
"My dad asked me this morning if I wanted to invite over Dylan for  
dinner. He actually asked me to invite Dylan over! To meet him! As in my  
dad meeting my boyfriend! Can you believe it?"  
"Ohmigod! Marco! That's great! You must be so happy," we linked arms  
and walked down the hallway towards first period.  
"Extremely. This means so much," I spontaneously gave her a huge hug,  
lifting her off of the ground before letting go of her and going back to  
linked arms. It felt really good to have a best friend like her that I  
could tell everything to.  
"Well, I hope your dinner goes better than mine did with my dad.  
Exactly, how much did that suck?"  
"Well..." I began. "A lot. That sucked the big one. Did your dad call  
you, though?"  
She twirled a strand of hair from her ponytail, "Yeah. He was in the  
middle of wining and dining with Peter and Damien in Montreal. But that's  
just how it is. Always has been, probably always will be."  
She didn't look too upset about it, but I knew better than that.  
"Well, anytime you feel lonely, you always have me. You know you're the  
most important thing to me, right?"  
She looked at me skeptically, "Even more than Dylan?" She was  
challenging me. I could tell. I'd meet her challenge.  
I playfully hit the back of her head, "Stupid. Of course. Even more  
than Dylan."  
She stood up on her tiptoes and kissed my cheek quickly. "Thanks  
buddy. And thanks for nominating Sean and I! How ironic, huh?"  
"Not really. You deserve it. I like seeing you this way, Ellie.  
Smiling. Happy."  
We walked into class and Ellie froze in her tracks. She looked at  
Ashley and then up at me, "I think I'm going to sit with you today."  
I gave her a weird look but followed her to an empty table anyway. I  
wondered what had happened between her and Ashley. Whatever it was, I'm  
sure it was small. Girls could be so touchy. I'm so glad I'm gay.  
  
**Ellie's POV**  
  
There was no way I was going to next to Ashley this morning. We  
needed some space between us before we killed each other. I took a seat  
between Marco and Spinner. Hmmm. Maybe I would rather sit next to Ashley.  
"Oh God. Go back to your coffin," Spinner whispered to me as Ms. Kwan  
started writing notes on the board.  
"Screw you."  
"Bite me."  
"You sure you want to ask the 'vampire' that?" I asked him.  
He rolled his eyes and started copying the notes. I did the same.  
What a jerk. Marco passed me a note. I opened it and almost laughed out  
loud. I tipped my chair back slightly to look on the other side of the room  
and looked at Heather Sinclaire. Two guys in the back had been throwing  
bits of spitballs into her hair and she hadn't even noticed. Her head was  
almost completely covered. I put my hand over my mouth and laughed silently  
with Marco.  
-Should I tell her? I wrote.  
Marco passed the note back to me. –Nah.  
I nodded in agreement and went back to doodling in my notebook. I  
drew a picture of Mr.Armstrong with spit flying out of his mouth. Like it  
always did. I really did not like him. Ever since he gave me that bad  
grade. I had issues with getting over stuff.  
Spinner nudged me with his elbow and slid a note over to me. Why the  
hell was he passing a note to me? Intrigued, I grabbed it and opened it.  
Stealthily, I might add.  
Ellie- you're a girl. Kind of. What should I get Paige for our  
anniversery?  
I shook my head. The things I had to do to help out the human race...  
Spinner- yes, I am a girl. I hope I don't have to prove it to you. Do  
you think I know what Paige wants? By the way, it's anniversary. Try  
a dictionary.  
He threw me a glare and started writing on the piece of paper again.  
Was he still asking me this?  
Dracula- please?  
Wow. Spinner was so... endearing. I snickered at the patheticness of  
this situation.  
Boner- oops. Was I supposed to mention that? Meet me after class.  
We'll talk.  
Spinner blushed and then gave me a thumbs up. Looked like I got him  
there. I'd never let him live that one down.  
After class, Spinner pretended he was asking me about an assignment  
from history as Paige and her posse (including Ashley, I might add) walked  
by. Paige gave him a weird look but didn't stop since she's in the regular  
class and we're in AP history. Spinner pulled me to the side of the  
stairway, "Okay. Let's talk."  
"Are you sure you don't want to ask me for my number again?" I asked  
referring to the time last year when him and Jimmy had fought over me.  
Spinner's face grew beet red, "Shut up, Nash. That was so last year."  
I put on a stern look, "Yes sir. Let's get down to business. What is  
this for again?"  
"Our anniversary. Last time, I blew it. That whole stupid locker  
thing did not work out and she hated it. Do you have any ideas?"  
"Why don't you ask Hazel or Terri or somebody who's actually her  
friend?"  
"Because they'll give me some lame idea like a necklace or earrings-  
the same things I always do. I have to show my honeybee that she's really  
important."  
It was all so sickenly sweet, I wanted to throw up. Still, I was in a  
nice mood today. "Well, do you want to spend a lot of money or not?"  
"Uh, I don't really have any money to spend. I can spare a little,  
but that's why I'm asking you. I need an idea that's not expensive."  
I racked my brain for any ideas I could possibly give him. Then I  
remembered what Sean had done for me awhile back. "How about you plan a  
romantic evening for her. Make her dinner- all her favorite foods- and  
dessert. Pick wildflowers for her. You know- like a picnic. Even Paige  
would like that."  
Spinner mulled the idea over in his head and broke out into a huge  
grin. "You know, I think she really would like that. It would surprise her,  
that's for sure. Thanks, Elle."  
"So now I'm Elle? I was getting used to Dracula," I smirked. We  
started towards history.  
Spinner sneered, "Well... don't get used to it."  
He then pulled on my ponytail causing me to yelp in pain before  
running down the hall to catch up with Jimmy. Marco came up to me. "What  
was that about?" He asked as we entered our next class.  
"Oh, just Spinner asking me for dating advice. Funny, huh?"  
Marco nodded his head, "Oh yeah..."  
  
**Sean's POV**  
  
"I still don't understand why you're doing this to me. It's going to  
be painful," I moaned as Ellie pulled me towards a tuxedo rental shop.  
"Hurry up, Sean! It's about to close!" She whined.  
I froze outside of the shop and took a deep breath before following  
her in. Tuxes and formal dances were just not kind of thing. I had to  
remember though that I was doing this for Ellie. Why she even wanted to go  
was a mystery to me.  
She surveyed the different tuxes and pointed towards a traditional  
black jacket and pant. "How about this?"  
I shook my head, "Too dressy. If you're wearing a big, puffy prom  
gown, fine. Otherwise, no."  
She gave me a look, "Why are you so difficult? Fine. Even though  
Marco is wearing this sexy tux..."  
"Don't even compare me to Marco."  
"You should be so lucky..."  
"Shut up."  
"No, you shut up."  
"Can I help you?" A salesman grabbed the pants leg from Ellie's grasp  
and folded the pair of pants back up. Ellie's cheeks flushed and she  
clasped her hands behind her back.  
"Actually, we're looking for something for him to wearing to our  
school's homecoming dance."  
The salesman took a look at me and nodded. "I think we can come up  
with something."  
He beckoned up to follow him and we did. "How about this?" He grabbed  
a pair of black dress pants and a light grey vest. "If you add a white  
dress shirt, it should be formal enough for a homecoming dance. Our dress  
shirts are right over here."  
Ellie picked up a white dress shirt and held it up next to the pants  
and vest. "Yep. I can see it. You'll look so good. Try it on."  
I grudgingly went into the dressing room and threw the outfit on. If  
Jay and Towerz saw me in this, they would never let me live it down. I  
wanted to die. But I stepped out of the room anyway after Ellie's  
persistent knocking. Her mouth dropped open and she brushed imaginary lint  
off of the vest and my shoulders.  
"Sharp. Very sharp."  
She made me turn around for her and I heard her whisper under her  
breath, "nice ass."  
I turned my head around and smiled at her. She gave me an innocent  
look back, but I saw the mischievous glint in her eye. The salesman came  
back and whistled. "Yes. That looks great."  
Ellie looked at him, "We're going to take it. Thanks."  
She watched him head over to the cash register and smacked my ass  
quickly. "You're going to get laid wearing that."  
I raised my eyebrows. "I can't wait for the dance."  
"Is your mom ever coming home?" I asked Ellie that night as she made  
me spaghetti.  
"She called while you were in the dressing room. She just complained  
and whined about how much work she had to do. All this 'poor me, poor me'  
bullshit. Who knows when she'll be finished."  
I watched the back of her as she poured the spaghetti in and stirred  
it around a bit. She set the utensil down and wiped her hands on a  
dishtowel before coming over to the table. "How's the homework coming  
along?"  
I hit my forehead against my open biology book, "It's not. This  
chapter isn't as easy as the last one."  
She rubbed my hand sympathetically and took a look at the questions I  
had to answer. Then she went on explaining the answers, making it seem as  
if it were so easy. I don't know how she did that. I struggled through the  
rest of the questions with her help and finally finished all my work for  
the night. My stomach growled and Ellie jumped up from her chair.  
"Oh no! The spaghetti!" She rushed over to the stove and turned the  
burner off. I walked over there too in case I could help, but the pasta was  
already a huge, gooey mess. Ellie frowned and tried to salvage it.  
"Forget it. We can order something."  
"I know but I wanted to make you this pasta dish. Nothing I do ever  
turns out right. I can't even boil pasta," She groaned.  
I wrapped my arms around her and she sighed against my chest. I guess  
she was a little unraveled today. "So... Chinese?" She asked me.  
I nodded. "Chinese."  
  
**Ellie's POV**  
  
"Sean!" I shrieked as he started to tickle me. We were right in the  
middle of watching Jeopardy... yes, I tape jeopardy... and eating our Chinese  
food.  
"What? I'm just goofing around."  
I playfully shoved him away from me and picked up some fried rice  
with my chopsticks. "How do you do that?" He asked me.  
"Do what?" I stopped with chopstick in mid-air.  
"Pick up stuff with those stupid things," He was still trying to  
figure out how to hold the chopsticks.  
"Lord, come here... Like this. Now just click them together... yeah... like  
that," I basically had to do it for him. Finally, he got the hang of it  
enough that he could pretty much feed himself.  
"Whamedosay?" He mumbled something incoherent through a mouthful of  
rice.  
I cocked my ear, "Pardon?"  
He swallowed. "Do you want me to stay? Over?"  
I pretended to think about it for awhile. "Nah. I don't really feel  
like it."  
"Please?" Sean asked sweetly.  
I giggled, "Okay. But you're sleeping down here."  
He gave me an "are you serious" look and muttered, "That's what you  
think..." before going back to eating.  
I picked at my rice a bit more and then set it aside. I curled my  
legs up underneath me and turned towards Sean. "Did I tell you what Marco  
told me today?"  
"No."  
"His dad asked him to bring Dylan over for dinner tonight! Isn't that  
great?"  
Sean gave me a weird look. "Sure, if you're a fag."  
"Sean! You know... I am so sick of how you treat Marco. He's my best  
friend."  
"Shouldn't I be your best friend?"  
I looked at him surprised. Was Sean jealous? "Excuse me? Am I your  
best friend or is Jay?"  
"Well... I don' t know... You guys are completely different. You I talk  
about stuff with and with Jay I talk about... well... different stuff. It's  
less serious with him."  
"Oh, so I'm all serious? I like to have fun just as much as Jay does.  
All we do is have fun. We never do anything serious."  
"Yeah... we have lots of fun," Sean scoffed.  
I crossed my arms and leaned away from him. He was such a jerk  
sometimes. He tried to move closer to me, but I pushed him away. "Don't.  
I'm not in the mood."  
"Ooh... She's not in the mood. Okay. Be that way."  
"Fine."  
"Fine."  
We sat in silence for the rest of jeopardy, except when I answered  
every question. Sean kept trying to beat me to them, but whatever, he  
didn't know a single thing. After the show was over and I turned the tape  
off, Sean and I both apologized at the same time. "I'm sorry." We stared at  
each other for a moment before laughing.  
"We are such dorks," I said.  
"Maybe you are," Sean murmured.  
I let out an indignant noise and flicked him in the shoulder. Seconds  
later, we were on the floor in a huge wrestling match. After a half hour,  
Sean won, but I held my own there for a while. But come on, he used to be a  
star wrestler. There wasn't much I could do. I guess that's how it was when  
I started to fall for him. There just wasn't enough I could do to keep  
myself away from him. 


	19. It's Not So Easy

**Chapter 19: It's Not So Easy  
  
Ellie's POV**  
I sat in front of the computer and quickly typed in the password for yearbook. I had so much to do it was crazy. Thank God Caitlin had given me the day off so I could get caught up. It was nice to have an adult around who was so understanding.  
"Hey Ellie," Liberty put her backpack down at the computer next to mine and took a seat. It looked like I wasn't the only one who had the idea to work on yearbook this afternoon.  
"Hi, Liberty," I offered a friendly smile although I wasn't feeling so completely friendly. I had been a nervous wreck all day- feeling sick and gross, being irritable. It was a wonder I had any friends left after the monster I had been that day.  
"The yearbook is going to be great this year. Hopefully next year I can be an editor like you," Liberty's fingers skimmed over the keyboard and I couldn't tear myself away from staring at them. It sort of bugged me at how slow of a typer she was.   
I shook my head hard, "Huh? Oh... well, it's not all it's cracked up to be. Believe me. It's a lot of work." I opened the picture collage I was currently working on and started to add pictures to it from the files. Something was off... maybe if I tilted the picture just a little... there. Perfect.  
Liberty shrugged, "Well, I'm used to hard work. That's a really cute picture of you and Marco."  
"I feel like such a jerk putting it in here- so big and the center of attention, you know? But it is a really good picture. Craig did a nice job."  
I grinned as I looked at the picture. I remembered that day. It had been about a month ago during this field day the school had in honor of the gymnastics team's rank in some meet. Marco and I had been sitting on the school steps and eating ice-cream cones when Craig had asked to take our picture. Marco had thrown his arm around my shoulders and pulled me close and we had held up our ice cream. I noticed with satisfaction that I had had a good hair day that day.   
My thoughts were broken by the door to the yearbook room banging open. I looked up and watched as Manny Santos strolled in. Good thing Ashley wasn't helping me or just hanging around, she'd freak out. I watched the girl as she unzipped her backpack and started to search through it. Of course, no one knew that I secretly felt for the poor girl. I mean, sure she had hurt Ashley, but it wasn't all her fault. It takes three for a love triangle to form. Plus, the whole ordeal with her pregnancy was so embarrassing. I still couldn't get over watching Ashley as she announced in front of the whole cafeteria that Manny was pregnant. It sickened me that I was friends with someone who could do that. I should have stopped her, but I had no idea she was going to do that.   
"Ellie?" Manny was standing in front of me, holding out an envelope.   
I blinked at the envelope a few times before taking it from her hands. "What's this?" I questioned.   
"Their pictures from a gymnastics meet and a few from cheerleading. Kimberly said that you guys needed some for yearbook," She shifted her gaze from the envelope to the computer to the floor. She couldn't even look at me.   
"Thanks," I started sorting through the pictures. "These are great. If you can wait just a second, I'll hurry and scan them in so you can take them." I pushed my feet off the ground and rolled over in my chair to where the scanner was. "It should only take a minute."  
Manny sat down in a chair next to me, "That's okay. It's not like I have anywhere to be."  
I glanced at her and then put a picture into the scanner and started the program. There was a heavy awkward silence between us as we listened to the scanner do its work. Liberty broke the moment by asking Manny how things with JT were. That's right, those two had hooked up recently.   
Manny blushed and looked down at her hands, which were placed in her lap. "We're fine," was all she offered. Liberty started blabbing on about how she had helped them get together and blah, blah, blah. I noticed as Manny rolled her eyes the same time I did. She noticed too. We looked at each other and laughed silently. Liberty could be soooo annoying.  
After I finished with the pictures, I handed them back to her. "Here you go. Thanks again."  
Manny gave me another smile, "Anytime. Bye. Bye Liberty." She waved and walked out of the door.   
Well... that was... uncomfortable.   
I rolled back over to my computer and got back to work. I had completed four pages when my cell phone rang. That must be Sean. Or Marco. I checked the caller I.D.   
"Dad?" I greeted. It had been over a week since he left.   
"Ellie? Aw, reception is terrible! Can you hear me?" His voice sounded tinny and was breaking up a little.  
"Sort of. What's going on?"  
"Well, I have good news. I worked really hard so that I could come home faster, but it looks like I'll only be able to make it by Friday. But that means I can see you off on your way to your dance!"   
"That's great! You'll get to see my dress for homecoming!" I leaned back in the chair and smiled my first real smile of the day. This was so great. Even though I was still a tiny bit mad at my dad for his rude disappearance, I couldn't wait to see him. It seemed like he was really making an effort to make it up to me.  
"Wonderful! How about I pick you up some nice jewelry to go along with it? It'll be my present to you since I left so abruptly."  
I knew what this present would mean. It would mean that I forget all about how he left me and let him think that what he did was okay. That it was acceptable and I didn't mind. I knew I should have just told him to forget about the stupid jewelry, but I couldn't be mean to my dad. It was impossible, especially when he was so endearing. "Thanks, dad. I'll see you soon."  
"Bye, pumpkin."  
We hung up but I kept the phone up to my ear for a bit longer. This was my only real connection to my father. I didn't even have a connection to my mom. My grip on the phone tightened and I hurried and set it down before I broke it. My mom... Where the hell was she?  
  
"Okay, so Pip left for England and now he's all 'i'm-better-than-you' to Joe?" Sean asked. He gave me a confused look and flipped through his copy of Great Expectations as if he was going to find the answer highlighted for him or something.  
"Sean, I already told you this! Yes, that's pretty much what happened. He's embarrassed of where he came from, who he really is, blah, blah, blah... Just... how about you actually read the story? That might help," I was starting to get sarcastic, but seriously... Sean expected me to give him all the answers, all the time. I had my own homework to worry about.   
"You don't have to get all bitchy about it. What's with you? This whole week you've been ripping on me about everything. Are you PMSing or something?"  
I flung myself backwards on the couch so I was lying down and covered my face with my hands. I wish... "No! I'm just stressed out, okay? And you constantly needing my help with everything is not helping me."  
"Sorry. You offer to help me, you basically force me to listen to you go on and on about what symbolism is shown in the book or how you tell an invertebrate from a vertebrate, and now, when I really need your help, you won't. I can't help but get confused with you."  
"Oh, stop exaggerating!" I spat. I turned on my side facing the back of the couch and buried my face into the pillows. I was so sick of school and home and Sean. I just wanted everything to be normal.   
"Yeah, well, inform me when you decide to act like my girlfriend again," Sean grabbed his phone and went into his bedroom.  
He was probably going to call Jay. Err! How could he possibly listen to that twit talk? What did they even have to say to each other? Why didn't Sean just talk to me about whatever it was he talked to Jay about? I tiptoed to the door and put my ear against it, hoping to catch a bit of the conversation. I could hear Sean's muffled voice and a "yo" and "yeah" here and there. What was Sean agreeing to?  
Wait, I heard my name. I leaned in closer to the door, straining to hear something clear. Suddenly the door flew open and I fell on my face. Sean stood in front of me, one hand holding the phone to his ear and the other on the doorknob. I gave a shaky smile up at him and brushed myself off. I had just officially become the jealous girlfriend.   
  
As I walked up my driveway later that night, something felt off. I wasn't sure was it was, but I stopped in my tracks and looked around. Everything seemed fine, exactly how I left it. I shrugged it off. I must have been freaking out over the conversation Sean and I had just had. He was beginning to think that maybe we should have a little more space between us.   
What exactly did he mean by space? Was I being clingy or something? I didn't think so. I was doing everything a good girlfriend should be doing- helping him with homework, listening to him when he- nevermind, he never talked to me-, supporting him when he told Mr.Simpson how he stole the laptop... I was there for him through everything. And now he wants space? That word made me sick.   
Of course he assured me that it wasn't like we were breaking up or anything. He was adamant about staying together as a couple. He just wanted more time with the boys. Right, because last time he had quality boy time, he had ended up in jail. That sounded real enticing.   
I took my house key out from my bag and slipped it into the lock. The door was already unlocked though. I could have sworn I had locked it this morning on my way to school. Maybe I hadn't... I closed the door behind me and threw my bag next to the couch. Okay, something was way off. What was that smell? I sniffed the air and a light floral scent wafted by. Tears pricked behind my eyes. It reminded me of my mom. Wait a second...  
"Mom?!"   
  
**Elisabeth Nash**  
My hand clinged to the edge of the kitchen sink. I had expected her home earlier. I wasn't ready now. I was caught off guard. I looked at her and the expression on her face made me wince in pain. She looked confused, angry, hurt, and scared. And why shouldn't she? Her mother had abandoned her and now was back in her life.   
I let go of the sink and took a step towards her. Maybe if I just explained to her what had happened. If I could only get her to listen to my side of the story. "Ellie," my mouth was dry and my throat was scratchy. I could barely choke out her name without tears spilling over onto my cheeks.  
She shook her head and looked away. She had a right to be angry. Did I actually expect her to run to me and hug me and tell me everything was okay? That it was okay that I left her alone without telling her where I was? But maybe if she knew the truth- how I was better now- then maybe she'd forgive me.   
"I'm sorry," I whispered so softly that even I could barely hear it. I took a few more steps closer to her. She didn't move. I took that as a good sign. "If you'll just let me explain..."  
"Explain what?" Ellie hissed. "Explain how huge of a bitch you are for doing this to me? Do you even realize what life has been like for me? Taking care of you, making sure you're okay, losing you? You're crazy if you think I want to hear a damn word out of your mouth."   
I deserved that. I deserved everything she said to me and would say to me. My mouth opened and closed. Where did I begin? Ellie let out a sigh of frustration and started up the stairs. When she got halfway up, she stopped and looked over her shoulder. "Where were you?"   
I swallowed hard and my eyes searched for hers. "I went to therapy. I got help."  
"Don't you think it's a little too late? I mean, the damage is already done."  
I wiped at the tears flowing out of my eyes. She was so right. "I know what I did was wrong. I know I've been a horrible mother to you. But I'm trying to make it better. I got help. I am better. I can control myself. I can-"  
"Just... don't... I don't want to hear anything. I'm tired."  
She trudged up the stairs and I told myself to go follow her, but I knew she needed time alone. She needed to think if whether or not she could trust me. I sat back down at the table and looked at the liquor cabinet. It was empty. I had thrown everything away. I didn't care what it took. I was going to prove to Ellie that I was a good mother.   
  
**Sean's POV  
** I woke up, startled by the phone. I looked down and realized I must have fallen asleep while studying for my history quiz. I yawned and grabbed the phone. I wondered what time it was.  
"Hello?" my voice was still sleepy.  
"Sean? I really need to talk."   
It was Ellie. She sounded upset. I walked over to the couch and sat down, ready for a long conversation. "What is it?"  
"My mom."  
What the hell did her mom do to her now? I clenched my fist and prepared to hear bad news.   
"She came home," Ellie explained.  
That was it? That didn't sound so bad. "And?" I prompted.  
"Listen, I lied before. My mom was never away on business. She just left one day. She didn't tell me she was going or where she was going or when she was coming home. She just left. And now she's back. Sean, I don't know what to do."  
"Woah, woah, woah. Ellie calm down. Tell me this again," I couldn't believe what I was hearing. What did she mean her mom just... left?   
Ellie was hysterical. "Sean, she just left! I mean- I had no idea and I didn't know what to do. So I just went on with my life. Now, she's back and she says she's better, but I don't know-"  
I could tell she was near tears. "Ellie, settle down. Start from the beginning, okay? Just... add in a few more details because I'm really not getting this."  
I listened as Ellie told me the whole story of finding her mom's things gone, the note, and realizing her mom had left. My stomach twisted with each detail. How could her mom do something like that to her? And how come I hadn't figured this out earlier?   
I felt bad because I had just yelled at Ellie before for crowding me too much. It wasn't necessarily that she was crowding me, but she was always upset or stressed out or just pissed off. She was always placing all her problems on me, and I had enough problems of my own. Now I realized how selfish I had been. Here she was, crying her heart out over the phone, and I didn't even know what to say. Sure, my parents had been shitty, but I was the one who left them. Not the other way around. Part of me wondered how Ellie had survived without her parents, the other part knew that she was the one who did most of the taking care of.   
Ellie let out one of her little sighs over the line. It wasn't a normal one- this kind I had grown used to. It was the kind she let out when she felt completely out of control. I knew that that sigh could lead to greater things later on. Like a razorblade slicing through her arm. "Ellie, I'm going to come over, okay?"  
"You can't. I don't want you to see her."  
"Ellie, I've seen your mom completely trashed and passed out on the couch. I think I can handle her sober."  
  
I didn't even have to ring the doorbell or knock. Ellie ripped the door open and closed it behind her. "My mom's in her room. I think she went to bed, but I don't want to risk it. Let's just take a walk." My heart pounded as she grabbed my hand and started to pull me off of the porch. I wasn't used to handling things this serious.  
"Are you doing better?" That sounded like such a stupid thing to ask. As if some huge event had happened since I got off the phone with her to make her all better. She looked up at me and shook her head no. I knew she probably couldn't speak without threatening to cry. I let it go. I didn't want to push her.   
We walked in silence for a while, just enjoying the nearness of each other. Once in awhile she'd squeeze my hand affectionately and I'd squeeze it back. We ended up at a bench near what I figured was her mom's garden. I sat down on it and pulled Ellie onto my lap.   
"Thanks," she whispered after a few minutes.  
I squeezed my arms around her waist, "No problem."  
"I feel so stupid. I can never do anything right. I want to forgive her, but it's just so hard to forget what she's done to me."  
"I understand. I always tried to forgive my parents, but it was difficult. I'd keep remembering the things they'd say to me when they were drunk, how they treated me, how embarrassing it was."  
"It's not easy."  
"No."  
She shifted her weight and leaned her head against mine. "I'm glad you can understand a bit where I'm coming from. I know you wanted to cool things off between us, but I just didn't know who else to talk to. You know what it's like."  
"No, I'm glad you called me. I didn't really mean what I said before. I'm just- you know, confused. I don't want to push you away." And I meant it. I was starting to figure out things. Like how I liked that she needed me sometimes. And that she depended on me for some stuff. Like advice about her parents.   
I held Ellie for another hour before she told me I should get home and get some rest. I smiled when she started to fuss over how tired I was going to be the next morning and how I needed sleep for my quiz. Even when she felt like her world was falling apart, she was trying to fix mine. She hugged me and started to go back inside her house, but I grabbed her arm.  
"Where do you think you're going?" She turned back surprised and I caught her mouth with mine. She kissed me back and we just clung to each other, not wanting to be the first to let go. Finally she pulled away and put a hand on the doorknob.   
"Go to bed, "she scolded lightly and then disappeared inside.   
I stared at the closed door for a second before starting my walk back home. It was late and a pissed-off mood was inevitable for tomorrow. That seemed the least of my problems, though. First I had to worry about Ellie and wonder whether or not I had stopped her need for anything sharp.  
  
**Ellie's POV  
** I stared at my alarm clock, just waiting for it to go off. It did and I took it and threw it against the wall. There. Take that. Not like I had needed it anyway. I hadn't slept at all. I had stayed up wondering if my mother was really home or if she was asleep in her bedroom or packing or if she had snuck downstairs for a drink. I heard the shower early that morning and figured that it hadn't been just a nightmare. My mom was seriously back home.   
I got out of bed and walked into the hall and downstairs. I sat on one of the steps and just watched my mom in the kitchen. She was busy making pancakes. Like pancakes would make up for it all. She was just like my dad. I didn't even like pancakes. If she even knew me, she'd realize that I hate breakfast and it makes me sick if I eat it. She cast a worried look up towards the stairs and caught sight of me.   
"Ellie! I didn't know you were up."  
"I always get up at this time. Did you know that? Well, now you do." I pulled myself up and held on tight to the banister. "By the way, food this early makes me want to vomit. So, just save it."  
I ran upstairs to quickly get ready and get the hell out of this school. On my way down, my plan to just breeze on by her and out the door failed miserably. She was standing guard at the doorway, obviously on to my idea. "Nice try," she smirked with her hands on her hips.   
I looked up at her and set my mouth in a grim line. She sighed and dropped her hands to her side. "I'm sorry. Okay? I'm sorry. I really am. If I could take back what I did, I would. I would have told you I was going to therapy. But I was upset and confused and I wasn't thinking straight. I just knew I needed help. But I admit what I did was wrong."  
I contemplated what she was saying. She did look sincere... God, why was I such a forgiving person? I let people walk all over me and then practically reward them for it. Not this time. "Will you please move out of my way?" I asked stiffly.   
She obliged and I put a hand on the knob. I didn't turn it though. Instead, I turned back around. She was turned away from me but her shoulders were shaking slightly. I couldn't do it. I couldn't stand there and watch my mom cry. I let my backpack fall from my grasp and put a hand on her shoulder. She turned back around towards me and I let her cry on my shoulder. She just kept saying how sorry she was over and over. I rubbed her back and told her it was okay. It was all going to be okay. This time, maybe it really would. 


	20. How do you know?

**Chapter 20: How do you know?**

**Sean's POV**

"So things are still going okay between your mom and you, right?" I watched Ellie's face, looking for a clue to help me figure out if she was really fine or just pretending. She just looked at me with a content look and nodded. I figured I should believe her. She usually came to me if there was a problem. Why wouldn't she now?

She grabbed her backpack up off the floor near her locker and threw it over both shoulders. "Things are still awkward, but slowly improving. I'm almost certain my mom hasn't touched a drink. I still worry though. Anything could set her off again."

I knew exactly what she meant. Thank God I wasn't like that anymore. Now I knew I had to control myself, not let the alcohol control me. I still struggled now and then, but now I usually just drank if I was at a party. I didn't feel the constant need to have the alcohol in my body. I wasn't dependent. I thanked God that Ellie hadn't been with me back then when I had a problem.

"Does your dad know she's home from rehab?" I wondered if she had even told her dad the truth yet. Something told me she hadn't.

She shook her head, "No. I asked my mom to just pretend that she'd been away on business. I don't want my dad to know I lied to him, you know? That would really hurt him. Plus, it's like I just want to be normal for once. Not have to drag this whole thing out. My mom is fine now. My dad never even knew she had gone off the edge in the first place. It would kill him to know that."

I was surprised she was sharing this much information with me. Usually she hated talking about her mom's situation or anything like that. Ellie held one of her hands to her stomach and leaned against the wall. "What's wrong?" I put a hand on her shoulder.

Her eyes widened, "I'm going to be sick!" She pushed past me and ran towards the direction of the bathrooms. I stared after her. That was sudden. I hoped she wasn't coming down with anything. I began walking down the hall again and ran into Craig.

"Sean, hey. Have you seen Ellie?" I narrowed my eyes at him. Why did he want to know where Ellie was?

"She just got sick," I offered.

Craig frowned, "That sucks. I have the pictures from our shoot the other day back. They're incredible."

Shoot? Oh yeah... the whole catalogue thing. I vaguely remembered Ellie saying something about it. "Can I see?" I held a hand out towards the huge envelope he was holding underneath his arm.

Craig looked at the envelope and then handed it to me. "Of course. Don't smudge them, though. Hold them on the edges."

No shit. I took the pictures out and began flipping through them. Wow, these were really good. "She looks gorgeous."

"Isn't she? Oh, I really like that one. I got that when she was just sitting there waiting for me. She doesn't know I took it. But look at the expression on her face. You can tell she's really thinking about something deep."

I studied the picture. Ellie was sitting on a solitary stool, looking away from the camera. I noticed the tiny furrows in her forehead and I smiled. I knew she only got those when she was thinking hard about something. Craig was right. This was art.

"I can make you a copy or something if you like it that much," Craig teased.

I looked up, "Huh?"

"You had the biggest smile on your face when you were looking at that picture. Do you want a copy?"

Had I been smiling? I hadn't even realized. I looked down at the picture again. "Sure, I'll take a copy of it. These are really good, man. But, I gotta go. I'll tell Ellie you're looking for her."

I slapped Craig on the back and continued to my first class. As soon as I rounded the corner, I stopped. Did I really just slap Craig on the back like we were good friends? Sure, we used to be, but that was a while ago. Plus, he messed around with my girl. Why the hell did thinking about Ellie make me nicer? It's like I didn't want my life to be filled with drama anymore like before. I wanted everything to be smooth and fun and carefree. Judging from my recent actions, I figured my life was starting to look that way. I smiled to myself. That's something I didn't want to end.

Ellie's POV 

"God, Ellie. You look like shit."

I shot Ashley a look in the bathroom. "Thanks. A lot."

She leaned against the sink. "I'm not saying that to be mean or anything."

I sighed, "I know. Ashley, why are we getting all upset over this whole homecoming thing? It's not like it's anything important. It's so stupid. Everyone knows Paige is going to win anyway."

"Yeah, she is, isn't she?" Ashley asked. She laughed and dragged her hands down her cheeks. "This whole thing has turned me into a major bitch."

"Me too!" I hopped up on the counter and kicked my feet back and forth. "But I've just been pissed off about everything lately. Psycho." I took a sip of my morning cappuccino to get rid of the taste of vomit in my mouth.

"So, do you think you're coming down with something?" Ashley asked me as she ran a comb through her hair.

I shrugged. "I have been feeling kind of crappy lately."

"Have you gotten your period yet this month?"

I set my mouth in a line. "Yes," I lied. I hadn't gotten my period in over four months. But the last time I admitted this, I was sent away to some therapeutic, high-security hospital.

Ashley smiled, "Well, that's a relief! I don't even want to think of you getting pregnant."

"Oh, totally not the case!" I jumped off of the counter. "Sean and I are always careful."

"That's good. You wouldn't want to live up to your 'biggest slut' title that you're so proud of."

I playfully smacked her on the arm and followed her to first period. We entered the room, giggling like idiots, causing stares from a lot of people. But I didn't care. Everyone always stared at me. Plus, I just wanted Ashley and I to get along like we normally did.

"You feeling better?"

"Pardon?" I looked up into Craig's eyes.

He gave me half-smile, "Sean said you weren't feeling well this morning. I came looking for you."

"Oh, that. Yeah, I'm definitely better. It must have just been morning sickness."

Craig gave me a weird look and I realized what I had just said. "No!" I almost shouted. "Not like that. I just, get sick in the morning sometimes. I have my entire life." I willed myself to stop blabbing.

Craig nodded and pulled out a stack of pictures from a huge envelope. "Here are the pictures. They're definitely perfect."

I thumbed through them and admired the work Craig had done. He was really becoming a great photographer. "Wow. I look really happy in this one." I wondered what I had been thinking about. I couldn't even remember. It was nice to see that a moment when I was truly happy was caught forever.

"So, I'm going to show them to Barry, my boss, today. Then he'll show them to the designer. But I'm thinking it's a definite go," Craig took back the pictures and admired his work one last time before putting them away.

I was happy for him. He must have felt like he had accomplished so much. "That's great. I hope everyone likes them."

"Well, you're in them. How could they not?"

I blushed and rolled my bottle of Coke around in my hand. What does someone say to something like that? I tried to think of something besides "thanks" or something equally as stupid, but I didn't have to. Craig caught sight of Ashley and quickly said goodbye.

"Hey," a pair of arms wrapped themselves around me, pinning my arms to my side. I tried to turn my head around but couldn't. "Guess who."

"Hmmmm... wow, really muscular arms and... well, yeah, that's all I can see. Could it be... Mr. Radditch?" I teased.

"Ellie!" Sean let go and sat next to me with a faux-wounded look on his face. "Is there something I should know about?"

I looked at him seriously, "Yeah. Mr. Radditch and I are having a threesome. Me, him, and the Swiss ball."

Sean shook his head and laughed before taking a huge bite out of his turkey sandwhich. He held it out for me, "Want some?" he mumbled with a full mouth.

"No, I don't 'want some'," I mimicked. I licked a little peach yogurt off of my spoon.

Sean wiped his hands off and grabbed mine, "So. I was thinking. A lot of people like go out to eat before dances. I mean, I heard Craig and Spinner and all them talking about it in the lunch line. Do you think we should? I mean, since you're forcing me to go..."

I squeezed his hands, "Aww. You want to go eat before the dinner? That's so cute."

"It's not like I really want to... but if that's what you're supposed to do then we should do it."

I released my hands from his grasp and wrapped my arms around his neck. "I'd love to go out to eat before. You know, I think you're starting to like the idea of this dance. You're sure worrying enough about it."

Sean said something sarcastic, but I wasn't paying attention. It was so sweet how he was trying to make this the perfect evening for me. He had already asked me if I wanted a corsage, if he needed to find us a ride, and countless other things. I rested my hand and stared up at him as he continued to talk about our plans. This was too good to be true.

"So, I asked Jay if I could borrow his car since I practically do all the labor on it, but he said no. So we're going to have to find some other way to get there..."

I pursed my lips and thought for a second. "Oh, I can't believe I didn't think of this before. You can just borrow one of my dad's cars. He won't mind."

Sean arched an eyebrow, "One of your dad's cars? There's no way. I can't do that."

"What? He wouldn't even care. He probably wouldn't even notice. We can take the Corvette. You know you want to drive that thing."

"The Corvette? Well... maybe..."

"That's what I thought. So are we going to do something tonight?"

Sean looked down at the table, "Sure. But I won't be home until like 7:00."

"Where are you going to be?"

"Nowhere, okay?"

"Fine."

Sean ate the rest of his sandwich and then left to go work on something for shop class. How weird. I wondered where he was going to be. No doubt probably doing something illegal with Jay and the crew.

The entire time in speech and drama, all anyone could talk about was the homecoming dance. After a while, it started to get a little old. I was beginning to dread even going to it. "Is it me, or is homecoming the only topic of conversation these days?" I whispered to Ashley at our table, which consisted of Ashley, Paige, Hazel, Terri, and me.

Ashley gave me a small smile and moved her hands in a so-so way. Paige rolled her eyes and leaned forward, "Says the girl who is going to have like the most amazing time ever. All thanks to her boyfriend. Who knew Sean could be so sweet?"

I leaned forward and furrowed my eyebrows, "Eh?"

"You mean, you didn't know?" Hazel piped in. She shared a look with Paige and they giggled a little.

"What's so funny?" I asked. Okay, now I was uber curious.

"Nothing, except your so dimwitted," Paige explained. I glared at her and laughed sarcastically. What a witch.

Hazel clasped her hands and leaned even closer. "Okay, Jimmy told me that Spinner told him that Craig mentioned that Marco said that Sean has this incredible night planned out for you. I'm talking, five-star restaurant, roses delivered to your house the day of, maybe even some jewelry..."

The way she said jewelry made me reel back. "Jewelry? As in a..." I whispered the last part. "...ring?"

Everyone cackled at the table while I sat there confused. Paige touched my hand in an annoying you-poor-thing way. "Hon, he's not proposing. Maybe a bracelet. Anyway, Spinner told me that Sean got a job just to help pay for tomorrow night. It must be nice to have a boyfriend who will give up his social life for you. Spinner may be dish pig at the Dot, but that doesn't mean he gives me anything."

I remembered the conversation I had with Spinner the other day. Paige was in for a huge surprise. But, Sean and a job? When did he work, we were usually together all evening. "What do you mean job?"

"Oh, he's working at some mechanic garage. Doing oil changes and little things like that. Jimmy said he's also been doing odd-jobs for teachers. Anything to make some money to spend on your greedy little self." Hazel didn't sound like she meant that last part to be mean.

I was so confused. On second thought, I did go to my co-op after school until 6:00. Did he go to work then? He'd been pretty secretive about where he was all day when I'd ask him lately. Like just before in the cafeteria. I felt so bad. I couldn't believe Sean had gotten a job just to buy me stuff. Did I give off that impression that I needed things from him to keep me happy?

"But I wouldn't mention anything about it. He doesn't want anyone to know," Hazel told me matter-of-factly. It kind of irked me that other girls were telling me things I should know about my own boyfriend.

But I didn't really have time to mull over it because Marco slid his chair over and sat in it backwards by me. "Gossiping, ladies?" Everyone laughed and went on to talk about what an amazing night homecoming was going to be. Marco gave me a look when he thought I wasn't paying attention. Everyone at the table, minus me of course, gave each other a meaningful look and I felt left out. But I guess I shouldn't tell Marco that I knew either.

"I am going to be the best dressed girl there. I know it," Paige boasted. She flipped her blonde hair over a shoulder. "I can't wait to win Sophomore court."

Marco hooked his arm around my neck and drew me close, almost strangling me in the process, I might add. "Oh no. Ellie's going to look the best that night and she will win. Believe me. She'll be the most gorgeous thing you'll ever see in your life."

I noticed that Ashley flinched when Marco said I was going to win. Was she still fretting over the whole court thing? If I could, I'd drop out, but my pride wouldn't let me do that. Even though I was starting to wonder if it was even worth it anymore, part of me still wanted to know exactly who would get the most votes between her and me. Did that make me a bad person?

Sean's POV 

"See you Sunday, Mr. Detch."

I wiped my oily hands off on an old rag and grabbed my backpack. Now all I had to do was get home and shower before Ellie came over.

"Bye, Sean," Mr. Detch called from underneath a car.

I walked out of the auto shop and started my way home. It should take me ten minutes tops if I walked fast. I checked my watch and realized I'd actually finished a little early. I wouldn't have to rush too much.

As I walked home, I went over a mental checklist. Okay... tomorrow morning I had to call the florist and confirm the delivery. I had decided on getting her a bouquet of tulips. Marco had told me that she really likes tulips, so I figured that would be a safe choice. Then I had to go pick up the ring I had bought for her. I know this may sound so tacky and 90's, but I got her a promise ring. Kind of like a going steady type of thing. I hadn't really talked it over with anyone but Marco and he seemed really into the idea. Of course, he is gay...

I'm sure Ellie was going to be way proud of me and how I've been getting along with Marco lately. Okay, I was definitely weirded out by his total flamboyancy, but if he's Ellie's best friend, then there has to be something good about him. Otherwise, she wouldn't be friends with him. I trusted Ellie's judge in character more than I trusted mine.

I only hoped she was into the whole ring thing. Ellie seemed like the kind of girl who pretends she can't stand that stuff but deep down she wants it more than anything. I can tell by the way she looks at couples when we're walking down the street or how she smiles when she sees an old man and woman holding hands. She loves talking about how her parents were high school sweethearts and when I told her my parents actually got married right after they graduated high school she thought it was so romantic. Who cares that they're both drunks now who can barely support themselves. Ellie says at least they've made a mess of their life together. I guess I can see where she's coming from. At least I would if I hadn't had to live with it for most of my life.

I felt so weird when I went ring shopping. The people at the store kept staring at me, as if I was going to steal something. I guess I did look sort of shady- a teenager buying a ring from some ritzy jeweler whose name I can't even pronounce. I had gone to this little village that Marco had told me Ellie loves walking around in. He offered to come with me and help me pick one out, but I had opted to do it alone. It felt more special and personal that way. But after looking at all the cases of the rings, I finally spotted one. The moment I saw it I thought of Ellie in my head. That's how I knew it was "the one". It's a white gold band with a garnet stone and a couple of tiny diamonds. Okay, I don't really know how to describe the ring except that I think it's pretty. I really hope she does, too. It's not the most expensive ring out there, but I think it would look perfect on her finger.

Finally, all I have to do is pick up her corsage and I'll be finished. I made sure to make reservations for the best restaurant in town during the end of lunch today. I can't wait until she sees where we're eating. I'm sure she's eaten there before with her dad and all, but I can't wait to take her with me. All I know is, tomorrow better go perfect with all the money I'm spending on it. I'll be paying for that ring for years.

I thought even more about homecoming while I was in the shower. As I was just starting to wash my hair, I heard my front door open and Ellie call out. Great, she was already here. I had wanted to clean up around the place a little bit. I let my head fall back against the side of the shower with a hard bang. I really needed to get a hold of myself. First I'm buying her all this stuff for some stupid dance and now I actually want to voluntarily clean up for her. What had I gotten myself into?

"I'm in the shower!" I called out. I heard her say "okay" and the television turn on. I was kind of hoping that she would sneak in and join me, but I guess that was the last thing on her mind tonight. It's all I ever think about.

I stepped out and wrapped a ratty towel around my waist. I dabbed a little cologne on my neck and brushed my teeth just to be safe. When I stepped out of the bathroom, Ellie wasn't on my couch so I walked into my bedroom. There she was lying on my bed flipping through a car magazine I had been reading the other night. She looked up and wagged her fingers at me in a little wave. God, that wave was sexy.

I jumped onto the bed and lay next to her on my stomach. She showed me a picture of a Lamborghini in the magazine. "Now that's hot," she said and then tossed the magazine to the side. "What's wrong?"

I shook my head and tiny droplets of water went everywhere. Ellie laughed and flopped onto her back. "I'm just a little tired," I replied.

"Oh really? Well, maybe you need a massage." I raised my eyebrows. That sounded good.

Ellie pushed me so I was laying flat on the bed and straddled my back. I about screamed when she started to massage my back. Who knew she could be so rough? I told her to chill a little and she eased up. "Sorry," she said. "I like it rough."

I couldn't tell if that was a sexual innuendo or if I was just too horny for my own good. I decided to let it go and just enjoy the moment. "So, my dad will be home to see us off tomorrow. Did I tell you that?"

I nodded sleepily, "You mentioned it. That's good, I guess."

"I know you guys didn't get off to a good start. He was a little sidetracked, I'll admit. But you weren't helping either. Seriously Sean, my dad's a good man. You'll love him, I promise. Just give it time."

I really did want to impress him. I cared what he thought about me. I can't believe I'm actually starting to care what grown-ups think about me. I guess desperate times call for desperate measures. "So, you're not giving me any hints on what you're wearing?" I asked. I wondered if she could even make out what I was saying since I was talking into the covers of the bed.

"Nope!" Ellie chirped. Then she leaned down so her lips were right next to me ear. "I'll tell you this: it's short."

My eyes opened wide and I smiled. Short was good. "How short are we talking?"

"Insanely short. To the point where it's almost dangerous. Maybe even illegal."

I rolled over so she was straddling the front of me now. "I'm starting to like the idea of going to the homecoming dance." I put my hands on her hips and squeezed.

Ellie shrieked and then covered her mouth with her hands. "I'm ticklish, you oaf!" She poked me hard in the stomach.

I pulled her down so she was lying on top of me. She resisted a little bit- saying her clothes were going to get wet- but, in the end, I won. She ran her hands through my wet hair and kissed the corner of my mouth. "Sean?"

"Hmm?" I opened an eye.

"What was your life like before you came to Degrassi?"

Where was this coming from? Did it even really matter anymore? "It sucked. That's basically it."

"Oh."

I held her tighter against me. "Why? What about you? Were you voted most popular and did you date the captain of the football team?" I joked. Seriously, did I know anything about her life before Degrassi? I couldn't even remember if she had told me anything.

She ran her fingers up and down my left arm. "Eh, you know... it was okay. There are just some things that are better left... unsaid. Unrevealed? You know?"

I yawned, "I guess." She seemed to have grown uneasy after I asked her that. Well, she was the one who started it. I took my fingers out of her ponytail and trailed it down her spine and then up the back of her leg. When I reached mid-thigh, I stopped and asked, "Is this okay?"

She lifted her head from its position on my chest and smiled at me. "Yeah, this is okay." So I continued. "Let me help you." She sat up and pulled her tank top off, then her shirt, and then her long-sleeved shirt. Which revealed yet another tank top.

"This is like torture. The never ending strip tease," I joked quietly. I realized I had grown a little more soft-spoken with Ellie. It was in her nature to be gentler and softer than the rest of us, so I had started to try and be that way too.

She stopped, "Well, this is it," she said referring to the last tank top. I searched the back of her skirt for a zipper or buttons or something but found none. "Here," she led my hands to the little buttons on both sides of it. It took me forever to unbutton them. My hands were shaking. She's the only girl who makes my hands shake like this. Who makes me nervous before we have sex. I felt like a nine-year-old.

I got under the covers and pulled Ellie under with me. Leaving her skirt and all her tops behind. She wiggled under and pulled on my towel, throwing it across the room once she untangled it from me. We fooled around a bit before actually doing anything. I almost forgot to use a condom and at the last minute told her to wait. What an idiot. I would have killed myself if I had forgotten and hurt her. I thought she might freak out knowing that we had gotten so close and almost forgot protection but she was understanding and didn't even mention it later.

Afterwards, she was staring at the ceiling and I at her. She turned her head to look at me, "Just so you know, I'm not on like birth control or anything, okay?"

I intertwined my fingers with hers, "Okay."

"So we have to be careful, okay?"

"I know. I'm sorry."

She pulled the covers up around me more after she saw me shiver. "Warmer? But maybe I should be on birth control, you know? Just to be safe."

"Whatever you want, Ellie."

She sucked on the inside of her cheek, deep in thought. "I was going to go on it before, but I didn't and..."

I stopped rubbing her hand when I heard her tone. "And?" I prompted.

Her eyes fluttered and she looked back up at me. "And I got in trouble."

I just stared at her. What did she mean she had gotten in trouble? "You mean, it wasn't your first time with me? You weren't a virgin?" I figured she had been a virgin. It's not like her and Marco did anything.

She blinked, "No."

"Oh," I sort of felt disappointed. I had kind of felt special when we had first had sex because I thought it was her first time.

"There are things you don't know, Sean. Believe me."

What did she mean by things? "So you got in trouble? What's that mean?"

"I got pregnant."

Did she have to put it so bluntly? I let out the breath I hadn't noticed I'd been holding. Wow. "So what happened?"

"I had an abortion."

My eyes shot back up at hers. Really? "Are you serious?" I whispered.

"Why would I make it up?" Her body tensed up.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to sound so... Wow. This is just..."

"Hard?" She offered. I nodded. "Yeah, I know. But I'm glad you know now."

"Me too." I tried to think of something more real to say to her than "me too".

"Ellie, I don't care what happened before, okay? I mean, I do care, but I'm not going to get angry or jealous or hate you for anything you did before. I'm not like that. I have no right to be like that. But I'm glad you told me."

"I knew you'd be able to handle it. You're the first person I've ever told. I haven't even told Marco."

"It's our secret," I told her. I pulled her closer to me and gave her a long hug before letting her go. She gave me a sort of sad smile and pulled the sheet around her closer. I could see she was getting tired. "Why don't you get some sleep?"

She nodded and shut her eyes. "Sean?" she opened them back up. "Thanks for not... judging me. I mean, at my old school, not everyone was so accepting. I mean, I've had some really bad things said to me. It's good to know there are people out there like you who will listen to the whole story, you know? Who won't jump to conclusions."

"Your welcome," I watched as she fell asleep. As soon as her breathing became regular and had it's own rhythm, I thought back to what she just told me. I guess there are a lot of things I don't know about her. And now that I knew this, I didn't look at her any different. Well, maybe I did actually. I saw her as someone who went through some pretty rough shit and came out fine. It amazed me how she kept it all together so easily. I knew now she wasn't perfect, though. She made mistakes also, but she forged right through them and got on with her life.

I think that's when you know you've really found someone special. When you realize they're not perfect and that's why you want them so much. Because you see both their good and bad qualities, and the way you feel about them stays the same.

I slid my fingers into her curled fingers resting against the pillow. I whispered the words to her so quietly I could barely hear the words myself. I watched her face, looking for a movement of her eyelids or mouth or anything to give away that she had heard me. But there was nothing.

I had never said those words to a girl before. I had never even wanted to say them. I wasn't quite sure if I wanted to say them to her face when she was awake, though. I didn't quite know if she'd return the same sentiments. But it felt good to say it. I turned my attention to the little hand I was holding in mine. I kissed her fingers and rested my cheek against them. My face was now just a few centimeters away from hers. I leaned my face forward so that my lips brushed her ear and whispered the words again.

"I love you."

**Eeps! So Sean finally said the words! Okay, not finally since Ellie still hasn't, but... Who knew he'd say it first. So I hope you guys enjoy that little treat. Also, Ellie revealed a big secret to him. I know that it wasn't really discussed a lot but they'll talk more about it later. Sean just seems like the kind of guy who really doesn't want to get into stuff like that. Okay, your input- am I making Sean too... nice and like perfect boyfriend? I try to even it up a bit, but I don't want to make him a total jackass or like mr.robot boyfriend, so your opinions would be nice? And when I read over my story again, Sean seems so much more into the relationship then Ellie, which isn't totally true so I hope you guys haven't been wondering why that is or anything. I had a grea time writing this chapter! Enjoy! Look forward to the dance tomorrow! woot woot**


	21. At Last

**Chapter 21: At Last  
  
Ellie's POV**  
  
"Your father will be home early tomorrow morning."  
  
I glanced at my mom from across the dinner table. "I kind of know that already," I replied harshly. I was still pissed at her for calling me while I was sleeping at Sean's and demanding I come home. Who did she think she was? She had no right to just waltz back into my life and start asking things of me.  
  
She sighed and pulled at her bangs, a frequent habit of hers when she's annoyed. "I know you're upset with me, but I'm your mother. I don't want you staying out all night with that boy. Plus, I need help around here."  
  
"You mean you need help making it look like you've been okay while dad was gone? It's Friday night mom. And I'm home at 10:00. I'm such a loser!" I burst out. I continued to shovel the spaghetti she had made me around in the bowl with my fork. Spaghetti at 10:00. How gross.  
  
"Eat your spaghetti. You're the one who didn't want dad to know I'd gone to rehab. And I doubt anyone is too concerned with what time your home on a Saturday."  
  
She was so annoying. What was with this perfect mom shit? "I'm concerned. Deeply concerned. It's a travesty."  
  
"You've always been too dramatic for your own good. Eat your dinner." She got up and carried her plate to the sink. I made an unattractive face at her behind her back.  
  
She turned around and leaned back against the kitchen sink. "Just be agreeable with me this once. You can stay out all night tomorrow for all I care."  
  
I smiled thinking of the amazing time Sean and I would have. And afterwards… wow… yeah, I'd definitely be staying out all night. "Okay!" I watched as she turned back around to fill the sink with water and I walked over to her, tossing the spaghetti on my plate into the trash before she could see.  
  
"Eleanor, put a new trash bag in the trash can, please." This was way too easy. I changed the trash bags and trudged on up to my room. I might as well busy myself for the remainder of the night.  
  
I could call Sean, but he had looked pretty tired when I left. Plus, I didn't want to crowd him. I could call Ashley, but she'd probably be out with Craig. Lucky bitch. Not that she was out with Craig, but that she was out at all. I reached for the phone next to me on the bed. I'd just talk to Marco. He'd be happy to listen to me whine about my mom and her little mother hen act. But when I called his cell, it just rang and rang until I got his voicemail. I told him to call me back and promptly tried his house. No answer. I fell back against my pillows and frowned. I was disappointed and I had being disappointed.  
  
I felt something furry against my hand and I smiled as I noticed Gabbana rubbing his little head against fingers. I rubbed his head for a little and he purred like crazy. "Where's Dolce?" I cooed at him. No answer. Nothing new.  
  
Okay, enough of this lame-ass feeling sorry for myself crap. Why was I even doing this to myself? I knew I'd be having an amazing night tomorrow. Still, I felt lonely and depressed and utterly stressed out right now. And right now was all that mattered to me…er… right now. Not even Gabbana licking my wrist was doing it for me.  
  
I slid off my bed and onto the floor where I had stayed up all night. My fingers perused over the dozen or so magazines I had spread around me, but none of them caught my interest. Not even the People magazine to quench my need for gossip. What was going on with me? Maybe I'd feel better if I put some music on. That usually did it for me. But as I looked over my collection nothing happy or cheerful popped out at me. I felt drawn to the songs that rated higher on the depressing and sad meter. I picked out The Get Up Kids and automatically turned it onto The Most Depressing Song Ever. God, I was pathetic.  
  
Maybe I wasn't upset all over having to leave Sean's so early. It's not like we were doing anything, I was sleeping. Maybe it was more about all the surprises in my life. Getting the co-op when I least expected it, falling for the "bad" kid, Marco actually getting a boyfriend, my mom leaving, my mom coming home, my dad being so insensitive. And even though my life seemed peachy from everyone else's point of view, I was seriously starting to think that my life sucked.  
  
**Sean's POV  
**  
"Get a grip, Cameron," I thought to myself as I stood outside of Ellie's door. The doorbell loomed in front of me like an invite to an early death. Let's see- I could ring the doorbell, force myself to talk to Mr. Nash- I mean Christian- and pretend to be nice to Mrs. Nash, embarrass myself by getting tongue-tied and make the wrong impression, spend all my money on a dinner that probably won't even be worth it, go to the stupid dance and ruin my pride, be mocked my Jay and Towerz for the rest of my life, and… Be with Ellie. The last part pretty much beat out all the reasons not to ring the doorbell. I punched the tiny button with my finger and sat back on my heels expectantly.  
  
I held my breath as I heard high-heels clicking across the floor. That must be Ellie. I smiled and waited for her to open the door. She did, but it wasn't Ellie. My smile dropped from my mouth for a split second before I remembered that I was here to make an impression. Mrs. Nash told me to come in and I gave her the look-over. She looked a lot better than when I last saw her passed out on the couch.  
  
"Hi, Mrs.Nash," I forced myself to say politely. When really all I wanted to do was scream at her for hurting her daughter and telling her she wasn't good enough. I resisted the urge to spit at her feet.  
  
"Hello Shane."  
  
"Sean."  
  
"Oh, that's right. Sean. Ellie will be down soon." She led me to the couch and I sat down, rubbing my sweaty palms against my pant legs. Why was I so freaking nervous? This was Ellie. The girl I basically spent every single minute of my day with.  
  
"Hey Ron!"  
  
Mr. Nash walked in, a huge smile on his face. "Sean," I corrected him.  
  
He shook his head, "Oh, that's right. Sean."  
  
This was going well… I racked my brain, trying to think of something to say to Ellie's parents. Nothing came to mind. Nothing I could actually say to them and still expect to see their daughter that was.  
  
After fifteen minutes of meaningless small talk where I basically just nodded my head or muttered "yeah", I heard Ellie's bedroom door open and close. Thank you! I stood up and looked at the stairs expectantly, in anticipation. So this is what it felt like to take your girlfriend to a school dance. My stomach was so tied up I thought I was going to lurch all over the polished hardwood floor. Better not, though, or else Mrs. Nash would have an aneurysm.  
  
Okay, there was one foot. Wow. Even her foot looked sexy. Another. Then her legs. Nice. Nice. Wow, yeah, I kept expecting to see her dress, but it must have been shorter than she led me to believe. Oh yeah… I watched as she came down the rest of the stairs and I, myself, almost had an aneurysm. She looked amazing. This was the most girly I'd ever seen her.  
  
She had her patented bored look on her face, but as soon as she noticed how transfixed I was by her, her mouth broke out into a soft smile. "Hey, Sean," she said sweetly.  
  
I looked from her face down to her dress. Her neckline was dangerous, her hemline was dangerous, basically all you saw was skin, but she still managed to look like the classiest girl in the world. She did a little turn when she reached me so I could see the rest. Woah. She had the sexiest back. I just wanted to run my hands over it, but I restrained myself since I was in front of the parentals.  
  
"I like your hair," I commented. How stupid. I like your hair? What about I like your dress, I like your shoes, I like your smile. Hair? But she seemed pleased by the compliment. She lightly touched her hair, which was pulled back with soft curls pinned loosely at the base of her neck. She wasn't wearing any accessories except for the tight, silk arm warmers. I knew she wouldn't even be wearing those if it weren't for her scars. She wasn't ready for anyone to see them yet.  
  
"Okay, be home by 11:00?" Mr. Nash asked.  
  
"Dad!" Ellie whined. "Stop embarrassing me. I'll see you tomorrow."  
  
"Woah, woah, woah. Wait up. You're taking one of my cars, right Sean?"  
  
I glanced at Ellie, who nodded. "Yes, I guess so."  
  
Mr. Nash sighed, "Just be careful, okay? Ellie, I'm serious. Don't let Ellie drive, Sean."  
  
Ellie made a noise that I guess was supposed to mean something along the lines of "that's not fair". I smirked at her and watched as her dad grabbed a set of keys and handed them to me. "This one is to the Corvette. Don't be stupid."  
  
I thanked him and grabbed the keys. I couldn't believe it. I'd be driving a Corvette tonight. Suddenly I remembered the corsage I had bought Ellie. "Oh, here Elle. I got you this." I opened the plastic container and picked out the tiny flowers and slipped it onto her lower arm.  
  
Ellie bit her lip and looked up at me through her eyelashes, "Thanks."  
  
After a few serious pictures and some not-so-serious ones, Ellie and I said goodbye to her parents and started to walk outside towards the garage. Ellie slipped her hand into mine. "We totally cheesed it up in there for those last few."  
  
I laughed shortly and looked at her through the corner of my eye. "Yeah. But we made it a Kodak moment."  
  
"You're so lame," she teased and squeezed my hand. I squeezed hers back. Sometimes a simple gesture such as a hand squeeze can drive a person mad. Ellie grabbed me forcefully and crushed my mouth with hers. My eyes widened at first, but then became droopy and I wrapped my arms around her and finally got to touch her back.  
  
"You look amazing, Ellie. If you don't win tonight, it'd be a crime."  
  
She rolled her eyes, something she does so much that it doesn't even faze me now. Her eye rolls don't even mean anything anymore she does it so much. But their something I live for. "I'm not going to win, Sean. Who cares anyway? I'm not going to cry over it."  
  
I snuck another look at her and smiled to myself. "Well, you never know… You could win…" I thought back to the day the school had actually voted for the winners. I basically had threatened everyone I could that if they didn't vote for her, I'd pound them. Hopefully I wouldn't have to.  
  
An hour later we were seated at the restaurant. Ellie looked around and gave it her nod of approval. "My dad and I came here awhile back. They have awesome chicken."  
  
"Do you eat anything besides chicken?"  
  
"Eh. Sometimes. When I feel like it. I don't know, I'm not really hungry tonight."  
  
Great. If I was going to be paying for her dinner, she better be ordering an actual meal. None of this stupid side salad crap girls sometimes pull. I looked over the top of my menu at her and noticed how far her collarbone stuck out. I could even see the outlines of the other bones at the top of her chest. I tried to think back to the beginning of biology this year. What was that bone called again? The breast bone maybe? "Well, you look like you could use a good meal," I muttered. She didn't hear me.  
  
"Here are your drinks. Could I get your orders?" our waiter, Greg was his name, asked politely.  
  
I look at Ellie, "You go first."  
  
Her eyes searched the menu one last time. "I'll just have a small salad with Italian dressing."  
  
Not if I had anything to do with it. "I'll take the three-cheese lasagna with the…um… vegetable soup. And she'll also have the Italian-herb chicken with her salad."  
  
"Very well. I'll be back soon with your order."  
  
Greg took our menus and Ellie stared at me, open-mouthed. "Didn't I just say I wasn't that hungry?"  
  
"Well, you were bragging so much about the chicken. If you don't eat it, you don't eat it. I'll take it home."  
  
"Whatever. So what time do you think we'll get to the dance?" She reached over and checked my watch nervously.  
  
"Um. I don't now, why?"  
  
"Well, they announce the winners at 10:30."  
  
I grinned, "I thought you didn't care about that. Isn't that just what you said?"  
  
"Shut up." She grabbed her fork and started to play with it. "I don't care. I'd just like to be there in case Ashley wins or something."  
  
"Sure…" It was so obvious that she wanted to win. Who would have thought, Ellie Nash wanting a homecoming title.  
  
I could feel the small ring box burning a hole in my pocket. Should I give it to her now? Wait till later? I reached down and touched it through my pants. Now would probably be a good time. I pulled it out and rolled it around in my hands for a while, watching her as she played with the earrings in her ear. She caught me looking at her and lifted a corner of her mouth in a smile. I cleared my throat and stood up straighter. "I have something for you," I blurted out. Smooth, Cameron. Real smooth.  
  
She clasped her hands and put them in front of her on the table. "What's that?"  
  
"It's just a little something. You know, we've been dating for little while now. And you've been great, seriously. You've helped me out a lot. And so I thought I'd just get you a little something to show you that I appreciate it."  
  
She licked her lips and hunched her shoulders expectantly. I pulled the box out from underneath the table and set it in front of her by her water glass. She stared at it for a little bit before looking back up at me. "Should I open it?"  
  
"That's the idea."  
  
She picked it up gingerly and held it in her palm for a minute before opening it up. The garnet and diamonds on the ring glistened in the candlelight and her mouth fell open in shock. "Sean, wow. This is gorgeous."  
  
"Or you could say pulchritudinous," I offered, using a vocabulary word she had quizzed me mercilessly on. It meant pretty.  
  
She giggled and continued to stare at the ring. I stood up and walked over to her side of the table so I could put it on her finger. "You wear it on the left ring finger. I just got it because, well, you're my girlfriend. The lady at the jewelry store said it could stand for friendship and commitment. Do you like it?"  
  
"I love it," she breathed. I slipped it on her finger and she grabbed me in a hug. I dug my nose into her hair and breathed in. She smelled great. I heard her let out a little happy sigh and my heart jumped.  
  
People around us started clapping and giving us knowing smiles. Oh God. They thought we were engaged. Ellie continued to admire her ring while I shook my head to the other diners, letting them know there was no engagement. That was crazy.  
  
"Well," Ellie sat back contently in her chair. "I have the most amazing boyfriend on earth."  
  
"Oh really? Do I know him?" I joked, trying to look seriously.  
  
"Nah. He's tall and handsome."  
  
"Ha ha," I laughed sarcastically.  
  
**Ellie's POV  
**  
The theme of the dance was something like "Underneath the Stars" or along that line. The gym looked pretty good, all things considered. Still, I tried to not look too impressed. I have my reputation to uphold. I kept glancing down at my ring as Sean and I walked from the car to the gym. What would people think? I couldn't wait to show Ashley. She'd be incredibly jealous. Wow, I'm such a bad friend. I couldn't wait to make my friend jealous and shove it in her face that despite all her protesting and arguments that Sean was a devoted boyfriend and definitely worth my time.  
  
I noticed Marco as soon as I walked into the gym and waved at him. He let out a fox whistle and drew the attention of everyone around him to me. I tried not to blush, but some things can't be helped. "Ellie, you look amazing as always." Marco kissed me on both cheeks and made me twirl for him. As if he hadn't seen me in the dress just the other day.  
  
"Wow. You do look pretty good," Paige grudgingly admitted. Even though Paige can be a huge bitch and a snob, she is honest. Even when she doesn't want to admit that I looked better than her.  
  
I gave Paige a saccharine smile and turned my attention to Ashley who was busy staring at the rock on my finger. I waved it in front of her face, "You like?"  
  
She grabbed my fingers so she could take a better look and frowned. "It's pretty. If you like that sort of thing." She walked off, leaving me thinking all sorts of horrible things about her in my head. I wanted to wipe that pretentious look off her face. Sean wrapped his arm around my waist tighter after noticing me tense up.  
  
Maybe Ashley forgot that just the other day she was all excited for me about Sean's surprises. She really needed to get a grip on her emotions. Not that I should be talking… I was a jittery, nervous wreck. I kept looking at Sean's watch, checking to see how much longer until they announced the winners.  
  
Sean and I danced in a dark corner, away from everyone. We didn't want everyone to see us actually enjoying ourselves at a school function. How weird! A slow song came on and he wrapped his arms around my waist, drawing me even closer, if that was possible. I wrapped my arms around his waist too and let my head fall back so I could look at him better. "Are you having fun?" I asked.  
  
"Now I am," he whispered into my ear. I tried to fight the silly smile off of my face, but I couldn't help it. Why the hell was I letting this guy affect me this much? What was so special about Sean that he made me want to get up earlier in the mornings to pick out a special outfit for him or buy him a CD he'd been dying for or bake him a batch of cookies? I was starting to become the cookie-cutter girlfriend and that was scary. I'd always scoffed at love on the outside, but secretly yearned for it in private. I think only Marco really knew that side of me. The side that cried at Beauty and the Beast and cut out anniversary announcements from the newspaper and watched A Wedding Story religiously. I wondered if Sean realized how happy I was when he gave me my ring.  
  
"Okay, and now it's time to announce the winners of the Homecoming Court!" Mr. Simpson shouted in the microphone.  
  
I froze. This was it. Even though I knew I wasn't going to get it, part of me still hoped that maybe people had decided to vote for the underdog this time. "Please don't be Ashley, anyone but Ashley" was the mantra in my head. I am so horrible.  
  
"The Freshman Prince is…" okay, yadda, yadda, yadda. Get to the juicy stuff. I watched as J.T. Yorke went up onstage with some girl I didn't know to receive their crowns. How cute. J.T. made a big showy bow and tried to grab the mike from Simpson to make a ridiculous speech, but didn't achieve. I frowned at the thought of Sean not winning. I had wanted him to win. On second thought, if that meant he'd have to dance with that girl who was wearing that totally slutty dress, maybe it was better he hadn't won.  
  
"Sophomore Prince is Jimmy Brooks! And your Princess for the Sophomore class is…"  
  
Ohmigod. Ohmigod. Ohmigod. My heart was beating so hard, I thought my chest was going to explode. I couldn't even breathe. I reached for Sean's arm and held onto it tight. Where was a paper bag when you needed it? Better yet, a gun. Because I was seriously pathetic.  
  
"Ellie, go up there!" Sean pushed me. What? I looked around. Everyone was staring at me. Wait. Did I just win? "Ellie! You won!" Sean nudged me and I put a foot forward.  
  
No way. I had just won. I tried to walk up to the stage as elegantly as possible, but that wasn't happening. I wanted to run up there and rip that crown from Simpson's hands and put it on because I had just won. For once, the head cheerleader or the tortured artist as Ashley liked to call herself sometimes hadn't won. I had. The most invisible girl in school. The girl who was called a vampire or freak almost every day of her life. Who usually hid behind the video camera. Who wrote anonymously for the Grapevine. Who had wanted this more than anyone else. This moment was like revolutionary.  
  
I noticed a lot of people clapping and smiling for me. Seriously. For me. Emma Nelson congratulated me on my way up. My boyfriend's ex-girlfriend congratulated me. Marco let out a whoop and, for a moment, I was seriously embarrassed. Then Dylan and a few of his friends did the same thing. I forced my shaking legs to go up the steps to the stage one heel at a time.  
  
The lights on the stage were so blinding, I could hardly see anyone standing around on the floor. I couldn't even hear the rest of the court being announced. I didn't even care. I smelled the single white rose that Liberty Van Zandt handed me after placing a tiny tiara on my head. All of a sudden, my gaze found Ashley standing in the front with Craig. Her arms were crossed and she wouldn't even look at the stage. What a sore loser. She looked seriously pissed. Even Paige and Hazel managed to give a few polite claps before shrugging it off. Why couldn't she just get over it like everyone else had? I tried to put myself in her shoes, but I knew that even if she had won, I would have been a little upset but would have gotten over it and would have been happy for her. So why couldn't she do that for me? Why did she always have to get everything while I was just her "buddy" or second best?  
  
Jimmy and I danced a slow dance to "Yellow" by Coldplay, totally cheesing it up with a few twirls and dips here and there. I was so giddy I was actually like ballroom dancing in front of the entire freaking school. How lame am I? I was glad Jimmy had gotten prince. He deserved it. I knew he used to have a huge crush on me when I first moved here. I had felt bad for turning him down since he's such a sweet guy, but he had Hazel now. We finished our dance and I went to go find Sean. I spotted him getting a drink and I met up with him.  
  
"Hey Princess," he greeted me. I liked the sound of that.  
  
"Isn't it funny?" I asked.  
  
"No, you deserved it more than anyone. Simple as that." I had the sweetest boyfriend.  
  
Marco and Dylan came over to give me a hug and soon other kids from my grade were congratulating me. I didn't even know that half of them knew my name. I guess I wasn't so invisible as I thought.  
  
It was nearing the end of the dance and Sean and I had actually decided to stay longer than we planned on. Who knew, right? I laughed as Marco and I gossiped about everyone's outfits that night. Some people were such major fashion faux pas. "Hey, Marco, I'm going to find Sean, but I'll see you at Jimmy's later, right?" Jimmy was having an after-party that night.  
  
"Sure. Bye, Ellie. I always knew you were a princess." Leave it to Marco to say something so… corny. But it made me smile anyway.  
  
It took me awhile to find Sean through all the throngs of dancers, but I caught sight of him talking to Ashley. What was she saying? Maybe she had decided to be nice about it. That would be good. I hated being mad at Ashley or having her mad at me. I was about to greet her when I heard the last part of what she was telling Sean.  
  
"-doesn't surprise me. She's been hiding the fact that her dad is like this huge billionaire from everyone. I know she paid people to vote for her. What a loser."  
  
My face grew red and I could barely see I was so pissed. What a bitch!  
  
"You're just jealous. You know Ellie's better than you and you can't stand it. Don't say anything else about her or I'll-"  
  
Ashley cut Sean off. "Or you'll what? Beat me up? Steal something from me? I could care less."  
  
I snapped. What right did she have to stay that stuff about me and then yell at Sean like that? I pushed her from behind and she stumbled forward, grabbing onto the edge of a table for support. "What the hell?" She cried, looking behind and seeing me. "Oh. It's you."  
  
"What's your problem? Are you that pathetic that you're going to spread lies about me and ruin our friendship over this?" I grabbed the tiara from my head. "Over a crown?" I threw it at her feet. "There! Take it!"  
  
She looked at the tiara and then back up at me, but she didn't move to pick it up.  
  
"Take it! You want it, you're ready to fight me for it, you'll talk shit about me for it. So take it. I'm giving it to you."  
  
'Ellie-"  
  
"Why are you just standing there? Take it! Pick it up! TAKE IT!" I screamed, my fingernails digging into my palms. I couldn't stand watching her just look at the crown and then me while everyone else just crowded around and started whispering to each other. I saw that Simpson and the other chaperones were making their way over to us. So I did the thing I do best. I ran.  
  
**Sean's POV**  
  
I threw Ashley one last scathing look before I picked the tiara up, which was surprisingly still in perfect condition, and ran after Ellie. I caught up with her and put an arm around her shoulders as she walked towards the car. Her breathing was heavy and she looked troubled, so I didn't disturb her by talking. I just kissed the side of her head and led her to the passenger seat of the car.  
  
"Let's go to the beach first," she mumbled as she slid into the car. I shut the door behind her.  
  
The ride to the beach was made in silence. She just stared out of the window while I peeked down at the tiara in my lap every once in awhile. I wondered if she even still wanted it. Something told me she did.  
  
I opened the door for her, but she just sat in the car still. "I don't want to get out," she said, looking down at her hands.  
  
"That's fine." I got back into the car and positioned myself so I faced her. I picked the tiara up and held it out to her. "I believe this is yours. You won it."  
  
She touched the tiara and then took it, placing it back on top of her head. "It looks better on me anyways."  
  
I chuckled and rubbed her leg. She looked at me, "Sean? Are you trying to get fresh with me right now?" I rolled my eyes and took my hand away. "I was just kidding, Sean."  
  
"I know. So, did you want to talk about it?"  
  
"About what? About how my friend is basically a vicious back stabber? No, not really. I'd rather forget about her and have fun."  
  
"Thank you. I thought we'd be spending the rest of the night in silence. Do you want to go to Jimmy's now?"  
  
"Yeah, I guess so. I think I'll wear my crown in, too. Just to shove it in her face."  
  
"That's my girl," I playfully punched her on the shoulder and she reached down to bite my hand. "Hey, watch it. You'll ruin the manicure."  
  
"Yeah… I'm liking the faint oil stains on your fingers. You couldn't even get rid of those for tonight?"  
  
"Between buying you a corsage, a ring, and taking you out to dinner… no."  
  
She looked at me, with her head leaned back against the seat. "You were great tonight, Sean. Seriously, it was awesome. Thanks for everything."  
  
I leaned in towards her, "Don't thank me yet. I still have one more surprise for you."  
  
She lifted her eyebrows, "Oh yeah? What's that?"  
  
I whispered in her ear and she smiled in anticipation. "Wow. I can't wait for that. Did you want to skip the party?"  
  
"Nah. I'm looking forward to hearing what Marco has to say about everyone's attire tonight."  
  
"Attire. Good word. But Marco and I already discussed that thoroughly. Sorry."  
  
"Damn! It was the only thing keeping me going tonight."  
  
"You are so fucking funny. Let's go."  
  
She flipped down the mirror and looked at herself quickly before pushing it back up. I could barely tear my eyes away from her to turn the car back on. I don't think I even told her how pretty she looked tonight. "Ellie?"  
  
"Hmmm?"  
  
"You look beautiful."

**_Yay! Another chapter! So, if there's anyone's POV that you'd like to see, you can tell me in a review and I'll try and include it. Hope you all enjoyed the chapter and thanks for all the reviews. By the way, I also agree that Toy Soldiers is one of the best movies. It's great._**


	22. The Latter

**Chapter 22: The Latter**

**Paige's POV**

So, it looks like not everything is well in the land of Ashley and Ellie. I had figured this was how it was for a while now. I mean, Ashley's starting to hang out with me, Hazel, and Terri more and more while Ellie kind of just... well... grows invisible. But I guess she's not as invisible as we all thought. I mean, she won. How weird is that?

Things have been totally weird between me and that girl since I found her cutting herself in the bathroom. We act like it never happened. Sure, I got her to go see Ms. Suave, but something tells me she's not talking to her anymore. I don't ever really think about that incident anymore, though. I mean, I'm never going to like Ellie. She's just too... different. We're on completely opposite ends of the spectrum, nothing in common, totally polar from each other.

I know she laughs at me because she thinks I'm think huge snob and everything. I can't help it that I'm popular. Secretly, I think she's jealous. She wants to be as popular as I am, but she never will be because she's just Ellie. Now that she showed up to homecoming though in that killer dress (even I was way impressed), I wouldn't be surprised if more guys started to sit up and pay attention to her. She was practically naked. But still, I'll always be more popular.

But I make fun of her because she's not any better than I am. She laughs at people, she gossips, she can burn a hole through your chest with that scathing look she gives everyone as if they're beneath her. She thinks she's some princess; I think she's a fool. I mean, look at the way she hangs all over Sean. If she were smart, she'd realize that's now how most guys like it, except for my honeybee, of course. Guys are strange. They want action, but they don't want affection. From what I've heard, Ellie is obviously giving both... a little too much of both.

I kind of pity the girl. I mean, she really doesn't have it all together. She's dating some bad ass who gets arrested and carted off to jail, she's fighting with Ashley every second, she hurts herself on purpose, and she always looks so exhausted. She's such a loser. Who gets perfect straight A's all their life? Ellie Nash. That's who. Doesn't she understand that high school is supposed to be fun? That you're supposed to fail a test or two? Someone forgot to give her that memo.

Just because I pity the girl, doesn't mean I'm going to be nice to her, though. I still want to rip her eyes out just looking at her and her smug grin when she's handed back a test that everyone else failed but she got like a 107% on it. What a loser! And why am I even thinking about her right now? I should be inspecting my nails...

"Paige!" I jumped a little in my chair and turned around to give Hazel a glare. What did she want?

"What Hazel?" I whispered back. God, it was only second period and already I was daydreaming.

"What did you get on your test?" she held up her own which was marked with a big red 77%.

I hadn't even noticed that our tests had been passed back. I turned mine over on my desk and gulped when I saw the grade. 82%. Yikes. My parents were not going to be happy about that one. Maybe if I mentioned to them that everyone had gotten a bad grade and it had been just too hard. Then maybe they'd understand.

"What did you get, Ellie?" I heard Marco ask as he leaned over his best friend's shoulder from behind her desk.

Ellie leaned back and let him have a better view of her test. "103%."

"Damn! I got a 97%. How did you get that bonus?"

"It was easy."

Oh there was that smug little grin again. Easy, my ass.

"Okay, settle down class. Now only one of you got the correct answer for the bonus. Some of you were close but you forgot one tiny step. Ellie, could you do the problem on the board for us?" she nodded and walked up to the chalkboard, without her test for help, I might add. She breezed right through it, somehow remembering all the numbers in the original problem without checking with her test. How did she make it so easy? What a little apple-polisher.

"So, have you talked to Ellie?" Ashley asked me at lunch.

"Why would I talk to that freakbag? That's your department." I lazily picked up a celery stick and stuck the whole thing in my mouth. I was starving.

Ashley picked at her pita and hummus. "Not anymore. She's pissed at me. She hasn't sat next to me all day in any of our classes together. Even Marco is ignoring me."

"Well, things did get a little hairy at homecoming. And then at Jimmy's..."

Ashley sighed, "Yeah, Jimmy's was pretty bad."

FLASHBACK

"Ellie, please, talk to me!" Ashley begged to her friend sitting on the couch.

Ellie squinted at her and quickly took a drink from the bottle she was holding, "Leave me alone, you bitch."

"I'm sorry. Okay? I was mad, but don't take it out on me."

Ellie stood up quickly and drew her hand back ready to slap Ashley, but stopped herself. She gave Ashley a look before storming off.

END OF FLASHBACK

I chuckled, "Bad? She wanted to hit you. I'm surprised she didn't. You heard what happened between her and Amy. I always knew Ellie was a brat."

Ashley slammed her locker door shut and the sound echoed throughout the hallway. "Paige, you don't know everything about her, okay? Leave her alone."

"Coming from you, that doesn't mean shit to me. Bye Ashley. See you at lunch."

I sauntered off, ready to go find my honeybee and steal a quick kiss before my next class. As I neared Spinner's locker, I caught sight of Sean and Ellie playing tonsil hockey on the stairs. Couldn't they find an empty room or something? They pulled away and Ellie was all of a sudden right next to me walking to class. We didn't say anything too each other, just sort of looked at the other from the corner of our eyes.

I checked to see if Spinner was at his locker, but he wasn't. Great, that meant I'd have to walk the rest of the way to class next to Ellie. What would people think? Just as I was seriously starting to get worried that my classmates might actually think that I was friends with the freak, Marco ran up from behind me and Ellie and engulfed us both in a huge hug.

"How are my two favorite girls?" He asked sweetly.

I was about to go into a play-by-play of my day so far when I noticed that Ellie just shrugged. And Marco just stared at her adoringly. What was going on? How come Ellie could get away with just a shrug? And Marco accepted it like she was god's gift to mankind? Wasn't he supposed to be gay? Okay, I know he is. After all, he's going out with my brother. But the way him and Ellie carry on can make anyone sick. They have this stupid little bond between them that no one can break and I hate it. I don't have that with anyone, so why should that loser? Especially with someone as great as Marco? I was seriously starting to get annoyed with all the questions I was asking myself. I need to stop this.

"It's okay. Nothing great. You?" I answered Marco.

He snapped his attention back to me, "Oh, nothing much with me either. But I did get that internship I applied for over at Riley and Jamisson!"

Riley and Jamisson? Was he serious? Riley and Jamisson is key in the publicity world. They throw all the great parties, charity events, and concerts. I know how much Marco wants to get into the publicity/consulting industry so this was perfect for him.

"Marco! That's great!" I shrieked and threw my arms around him. Marco hugged me back but turned more of his attention to Ellie.

She just stood there with her mouth open in this huge smile before wrapping her arms around him in a tight hug. She whispered something in his ear that I couldn't make out and he laughed quietly. So there they were in their own little world full of serious discussions, candy,inside jokes, and Ellie's soft-spokenness while I stood by wondering how Marco could spend all his time with her. She was so serious and depressing and moody. It made me want to kill myself just thinking about it. That's the effect she has on people. How come Marco the most fabulous guy in the world wants to be near that? I sighed and started my way to class again, without Ellie or Marco. If Marco wanted to be seen with that downer that was his problem. I was going to go to class and hang with my own friends.

**Ellie's POV**

"Marco, I'm so excited for you. This is exactly what you wanted," I pulled Marco into like the fifth hug that day.

Marco laughed and held onto my hands, "I know. We both got what we wanted. I can't wait to get started."

"What do you think you'll be doing?"

"Who knows. Probably stuff like filing and organizing that no one else wants to do. I don't really care what I do."

I gave Marco a smile before adverting my attention back to the in-class assignment we were supposed to be doing. I couldn't concentrate though. I kept thinking of Marco's good news and how mad I was at Ashley and how much I wanted to kiss Sean right now. Speaking of Sean... I caught a glimpse of Sean out of the corner of my eye and I turned my head to look out of the classroom window. There he was, in the hallway with Jay and them. What we're they doing outside of class? My hand shot up involuntarily and I asked to use the restroom before I could even stop myself. Okay, what was I doing?

"Sean!" I called down the hallway towards the small group he hung out with. He didn't even look back, just kept on walking, but Jay shot me a glare. Okay... "Sean!" I caught up with him and put my hand on his shoulder.

"What Ellie?" Sean snapped. What a jerk. I'm so sick of his constant mood changes.

"What are you doing?"

"Do I have to tell you every detail of my life? Get back to class." He started walking again. Jay stood behind, his shoulders shaking from laughter.

"It looks like Sean isn't as whipped as I thought," he said to me. I rolled my eyes and tried to move past him, but he stopped me. "Where do you think you're going?"

"To catch up with Sean, what do you think?" I hissed back at him. He was really starting to annoy me.

"Listen, leave Sean alone, okay? He needs some time with the guys. He'll go back to being the hero after we're finished."

"Finished with what?" All of a sudden, a feeling of dread overwhelmed me. Sean stopped stealing, right? He told me he had. But could I really trust what he tells me? Jay seemed pretty cocky.

Jay leaned a shoulder against the wall. "Oh, just a little project we're working on. No big deal," He replied lazily. I wanted to smack that smile off of his face. I have resorted to violence a lot lately. I willed my hand to stay at my side and not reach up.

I looked away and then back at Jay quickly. Why couldn't he just leave Sean alone? Let Sean be a decent guy and be with me. "Are you stealing something?"

Jay chuckled and crossed his arms. "Maybe, maybe not. Why? Do you want to write about it for your stupid co-op? I don't get how Sean can stand being around you. Except he did say that you incredibly easy... if you know what I mean..."

I knew what he meant. There was no way Sean would have said that about me. But he did just ignore me completely in the hallway. Maybe I had to give him a little space. I don't think he's used to so much drama in his life and with me, it's all about the drama.

**Jay's POV**

I'm looking out for Sean. We're like family. Like brothers. We look out for each other and take care of each other. There's no way I'm letting him completely change who he is just because some girl bats her eyes at him. Couldn't he have found someone a little less... out there? Someone who, at least, liked a little trouble? Miss Ellie Nash is a completely different story.

So me and the boys are going to steal the new music software the music department just bought. We're talking iPods, this editing thing, and, well, yeah. I don't even really know what it is that we're stealing exactly, but I know it's going to get us mucho money when we sell it. That's why I can't let that good-doer mess it up. Sean is my right-hand man. I need him to help me. All the other guys are idiots. They barely know what they're doing. Sean needs to be there.

So that's why I have to tease him about Ellie. If I let him think that it's okay to be going out with her, then he'll do whatever she says. So I have to let him know that he's a total loser for being with her. Then he has to show me that he's not. So he helps me steal.

Okay, so Ellie isn't all that bad. I mean, she'll party with us. That's cool. And it's not like she's not nice or anything. She did help Amy, although I found it extremely lame at the time. She stands up for herself with her fighting Amy and helping with protests and stuff around school. She's an individual and that's cool. But that also means she doesn't want to be a part of us. She doesn't want to help us. It'd be pretty cool if she did. No one would ever expect her- Miss Teacher's Pet.

"Where were you?" Sean asked me once I caught up with them outside the music lab.

"I, uh, had to take care of something."

"Whatever, let's not get caught. If Ellie finds out she'll kill me."

"Well, what are you going to tell her? I bet she suspects something."

"I don't know. I'll think of something. Let's just get it and go."

We managed to unlock the lab and sneak in. We had forgotten the adrenaline we get when we do this. Sean had a huge smile on his face as he picked up all the little iPods and stuffed them in a duffel bag. I matched his smile and grabbed a few things myself. We'd have to hide these duffel bags somewhere in school. No doubt everyone's backpacks would be searched. We'd look completely innocent. And maybe someone else would get blamed...

We hurried out of there and locked the door back up. That would buy us time. Sean and I ran down the hall, clapping each other on the back the entire time. So maybe our choice of activity wasn't the most... legal... but it was what we did best. And we were brothers. And brothers stick together no matter what kind of girl comes along.

**Sean's POV**

I handed my backpack over to Mr. Radditch and let him go through it. The only thing in there remotely interesting was the newest issue of Playboy. If he even tried to confiscate that then we'd all know he was a sick man. He looked almost disappointed when he found nothing. "Fine. You can go Mr. Cameron."

I walked out of the principal's office with a cocky smile towards the school secretary who just loves it when I get into trouble. Yeah, take that Gladys. I continued my way out off the school office and ran right into Ellie. "Hey," I said, a bit nervously. I mean, how much did she know? And why was she heading into the office anyway?

"Hi," she replied shortly. Okay... she seemed a little mad at me. "What are you doing?"

"They had to check my backpack. You?"

She held up an envelope, "Just turning in something. Did they find anything?"

"A Playboy."

"Cute."

"Yeah, so, see ya..." That was awkward. I noticed Jay lurking around some lockers and I waved but he didn't see me. Oh well. I better get to class. I turned around and almost tripped over Ellie's backpack. For once, it wasn't in her grasp. I was almost tempted to look in it, to see what she had in there, but I opted not too. I didn't want to mess up what I had. I peeked my head back into the office and saw her sitting in a chair, chatting with Gladys. How could she? That lady was evil. I shook my head at the sight of them talking and hurried to class.

"Could Ellie Nash please come to the office... Now." My head shot up from its position on the desk. That didn't sound good.

Okay, good. Only five minutes left in class. I didn't know how much longer I could listen to Ms. Kwan's voice. I wanted to shoot myself. She droned on and on about Great Expectations while I thought about... well, what else to guys think about? Maybe Ellie could come over tonight and we could... No, her dad had gone back to Kabul. She'd have to stay around with her mom. Well, maybe I could just go over there tonight. She'd probably enjoy the company.

The bell rang and I shot out of my seat to go find Ellie. Either she'd be waiting for me by my locker or already on her way to lunch with Marco. I went to my locker but didn't see her so I headed to the cafeteria. Well, there was Marco, but no Ellie.

"Hey Marco, where's Ellie?"

Marco shrugged, "I don't know. I was going to ask you."

I walked away and decided that I'd just see her later. I sat down next to Jay on the brick wall. "Yo. Have you seen Ellie?"

"I don't keep tabs on your girlfriend. But I did see her walk out of the office looking pretty upset."

"What do you mean?"

"Oh, Mr. Radditch was giving her the ol' heave-ho. She's out of here. Suspended for a few days. Something about stealing...?"

I dropped the bag of chips I had been consuming. "What?! She didn't steal anything!"

"Well, they found some of the missing lab equipment in her bag. That stupid black thing she carries with her everywhere. Looks like she did it." Jay chuckled and went on eating his sandwich.

"Man, are you stupid? We stole that shit. What the hell is going on?"

"I don't know. Figure it out yourself."

I had put the duffel bag I was carrying in an old janitor's closet on the second floor. I told Jay to put his on a first floor closet. Did he? "Did you put that stuff in her bag?" I demanded.

"Do I look like the kind of person who would do that?"

"Fuck you, man!" I shoved him so he fell backwards into the bushes. I didn't need any of his shit. I had to find Ellie.

I ran into the school and down the hallway into the office. She was standing there with Mr. Radditch and the head of the music department looking totally furious. I watched her wave her hands wildly and gesture towards her bag. What was I going to do? I know she didn't take any of that stuff because I did. So was I supposed to turn Jay in? He's my best friend. But I couldn't let Ellie take all the blame. You just don't do that to a decent person like her.

"Mr. Radditch?" I knocked on the door announcing my arrival.

Mr. Radditch, Gladys, Miss Beeker, and Ellie all turned their heads at the sound of my voice. I stuffed my hands into the pockets of my jeans and looked at my feet. "What is it, Mr. Cameron?"

I licked my lips nervously. "Ellie didn't steal anything. I did."

Ellie's mouth fell open and she gave me an incredulous look like "what the hell are you doing?". I was starting to think that myself. I mean, this would look horrible on my record. I'd probably lose my student welfare. I'd get suspended. And Ellie would get ticked off. "Sean!" Yep, I was right. She was mad.

"I know I shouldn't have done it. I'm sorry. But I'll return all of it right now."

Miss Beeker shook her head in disappointment. As did Ellie. And that hurt the most. Knowing that Ellie was disappointed in me. I couldn't even look her in the eye. Mr. Radditch was the first to say anything, "Sean. I think we better talk in my office. Ellie, please go back to class. I'm sorry for the misunderstanding."

Ellie nodded and walked out of the office, leaving me alone to face the consequences.

**Ellie's POV**

I didn't go back to class. I couldn't. Besides it was my lunch period and I wasn't feeling an appetite today after what had just happened. I had to ask Sean why he would do something so dumb as stealing again. So I slid down the wall outside the office door and drew my nears up to my chest to wait. It seemed like it took forever when really it was only about ten minutes. Miss Beeker came out first and headed towards the music lab. She didn't look angry. Of course, she did know where all the equipment was now. A few minutes later Sean came out. He immediately sat next to me. I didn't even know what to say.

"I'm sorry," Sean sighed. He leaned his head back and hit the wall with it. "I'm so stupid."

"Yeah, you are," I agreed. "What's your problem? You were starting to get back on track, Sean, and now this? You go and screw it up. Did Jay put you up to it?"

"No! I mean, it was his idea, but I volunteered. He doesn't decide what I do or don't do, I do."

"Oh, so you put that shit in my backpack?"

"No! Jay did that. I would never do that. Didn't I just bail you out?"

I laughed cynically, "Yeah. You just bailed me out of a mess you made. You didn't do me any favors. It was your mess and you took the blame for it. At least you can do one thing right."

"Stop it, okay? I'm sorry."

"I'm really sick of you saying that. It doesn't always make everything better, you know. So, is your student welfare gone?"

Sean gave me a little smile. "No. Mr. Radditch was surprisingly... nice... I have Saturday detention for the rest of semester. I have to clean the music lab every week. But at least I get to stay, right?"

"How in the hell did you get him to not suspend you?" This was Mr. Radditch we were talking about. Normally he would do anything to get Sean out of Degrassi.

"Miss Beeker kind of talked him out of it. She said she thought I deserved a second chance. That she knew I was doing well and I needed this chance. How she knew that, I have no idea. But at least it helped."

I knew how she knew all of that. I had told her. At my last piano lesson I could barely stop myself from gushing about how great Sean was doing and how proud of him I was. Miss Beeker was a pretty cool lady. I knew, even if I was still the one getting in trouble for something I didn't do, she'd take it easy on me because she knows me. But I wasn't going to tell Sean any of that. I had a feeling he wouldn't be too pleased that I was telling teachers about how far he had come. He'd be so embarrassed.

"So, why didn't you tell them Jay did it?"

Sean looked at his feet. "He's like my brother. We don't tell on each other, Elle. That's just the way it goes."

"Well, if your 'brother' does something as stupid as that, he needs to get in trouble and learn a lesson. You're really not helping him by protecting him like this."

"Well, you're not really helping me by yelling at me either."

"So it's okay for your friend to almost get your girlfriend suspended for something she didn't do? You're just going to let that slide and let him do that to me?"

Sean hit a locker next to him. I flinched at the sound. "Dammit, Ellie. I'm sorry, okay? But it's not as easy as you think. You don't know everything you think you do. Some things are more important than yo- just... God! Why do you have to be like this? Nitpick at every little thing I do. I can do nothing right with you. "

"I thought you liked me enough to hold me a little higher than your loser friends. I'm leaving. Come find me when you grow up."

I stood up quickly and stalked away. What a coward. I couldn't even believe I was going out with him. Was this what a relationship was supposed to feel like? It's been a long time since my last one, but I didn't think I lost touch that much. I thought I still knew a few things. I guess I didn't.

**Marco's POV**

I walked with Ellie to speech and drama. She didn't seem so thrilled to be at school. Hold on, did she ever look thrilled? I nudged her shoulder with mine and she gave me a look that clearly said "not now". Oookay... Maybe I'd sit next to Paige today. At least she seemed to be in a better mood. But Ellie followed me to where I was sitting, even though it was right next to- gasp!- the popular kids. The whole table fell quiet as she sat down next to me at the table. Usually she sat with a few other kids in our class who weren't as hyper and chirpy and talkative as we are.

I tore a piece of paper out of my notebook as Ms. Kwan started to talk about some play.

-What's wrong?

She took out a pen and wrote underneath my note.

-Is it me, or does Ms. Kwan teach like every freaking class in this school?

I shook my head. She was stalling.

-Tell me.

-Sean.

-What now?

-Ha! What now. Yeah. That's a good sign.

-You guys are great together. I think.

-You think.

-He's a dick.

-Can you clarify this statement?

-He's a dick and I hate him.

Oookay. Once again, Ellie was in a not-so-good mood.

"Marco? Ellie? Could you please pay attention? I will not tolerate this rudeness any longer!"

I gave an apologetic smile to Ms. Kwan and attempted to listen to what she was saying.

"Okay, so Thursday I would like you to come prepared with your duets. I'm not going to tell you yet what this is for exactly, but I'm sure you will be greatly pleased. On the paper I'm handing out, there is your partner's name and the piece you will be doing. Jimmy, could you help me pass these out?"

This was good. I'd be able to work on my acting skills. I was excited about the duets because lately we'd been doing a lot of monologues or just reading plays and studying playwrights. We hadn't done too much acting between two or more people. I looked down at the sheet I was given and was glad to see that Ellie was my partner. Wait a second. Did I want her to be my partner? I never even remembered seeing her actually perform her monologue or do anything slightly dramatic in class. Oh wait, I remember. She had been sick the day we had performed our monologues so she just performed hers in front of only Ms. Kwan one morning. Hmmm. I wondered if she was any good. This could hurt my chances of a good grade if she wasn't.

So what were we performing? A scene from To Have and Have Not. Huh, I don't ever remember reading this or seeing it.

"Marco?"

I looked up at Ellie. "Yeah?"

"Do you want to rehearse?"

I looked around at all the other groups rehearsing. "Sure."

We scanned over the description of the duet and decided that I would be playing Harry, the captain of the boat, and Ellie would be playing "Slim", a club singer. We read through the material quickly and, afterwards, I sat back in my chair with a whistle. "This is pretty sexy. Think you can handle it, Ellie?"

She gave me a sarcastic look and starting to look over the little script again. "Think you can handle kissing a girl... twice?"

"Eh, sure. Why not?" I acted like it was no big deal. Like I was a huge player or something. "At least you're not partners with Spinner, right?"

"Gross, Marco! Okay, so this takes place during the forties, right?"

"Yeah."

"So did you want to come over tonight and we can rehearse? I can give you a few pointers."

"Ha, ha, Ellie. You're so funny. I think I'll be the one giving pointers. You're not exactly the most reactive person- unless you're crying your eyes out at some sappy romance," I teased.

Ellie whacked me on the shoulder, but smiled. "You're mean. I can't help it if I cry at lame stuff."

"Just try and put a little emotion into this? I want a good grade."

"Okay, Marco. I'll try."

**Ellie's POV**

I jumped onto my bed and pulled the little script for the duet out of my backpack. Marco was supposed to come over in a few minutes, but I figured I better look at it by myself a few times. Okay, so I was supposed to be some forties sexpot singer. That'd be easy. Haha. I wondered why Ms. Kwan picked this duet for us. She seemed rather impressed by my monologue performance. Gone with the Wind. Like I didn't watch that movie just about every day of my life. It had been so easy. I'd gotten a perfect A on it. But that had been in front of just her.

Okay, so back at Rookwood I had been pretty involved with the drama club. We put on a few plays and musicals and I was usually the lead. But I felt comfortable in my own skin back there. And then it had turned on me. Rumors escalated, I was pretty much shunned from everyone, and things got crazy. So now I like to keep to myself. You don't get hurt that way. But now it's like I have to show that I'm actually really good at this. I want people to be amazed at my performance with Marco. To cry like audience members did when I performed in A Midsummer's Night Dream or get another standing ovation like I had when I was Roxie in Chicago. Was this wrong of me? I mean, there goes Ellie again trying to be the center of attention. Like winning at homecoming wasn't enough.

But it's something I really love. So I should get recognition for my talents, right? I was really starting to confuse myself with my mixed emotions. I mean, most of the time I just want people to leave me alone and then there are certain moments when I want everyone to be wowed and amazed by me. I'm such a messed up person.

Okay. Back to the matter at hand. "The one who left you with such a high opinion of women. She must have been quite a gal. You think I lied to you, don't you. Well, it just so happens there's thirty-"

"Hey Elle. What's up?" Marco came through the doorway and threw his backpack on the floor before hopping onto the bed next to me.

"Just reading through this. Where are we going to find costumes for this?"

"Costumes? Do we need costumes?" Marco looked confused.

I let out an irritated sigh. Now I was worried about Marco bringing down my grade. "Listen Marco. If I'm doing this, I'm doing it to get a good grade. Don't you realize that costumes and actual props will raise our grade? Bonus points, Marco, bonus points."

"You're crazy. Okay, we can look around in the costume room maybe."

"We can always look at a vintage store too. There's a couple up in the village. We can go Wednesday."

"That sounds fine to me."

We read through the script a bit. I tried not to sound too excited over the whole thing. I kind of wanted to surprise Marco too. He kept trying to give me some pointers, but I blocked his advice out of my head. I knew what I was doing. Marco cleared his throat, "Ellie?"

I opened my eyes. I hadn't even realized I had shut them. "Marco."

"We're doing fine and everything, but everyone's going to be watching us and we kiss two times and you're the only girl I've ever kissed and that doesn't even really count because I wasn't even like kissing you back and..."

"You're worried what all the guys will think?"

"Yeah."

I gave him sympathetic smile and sat up like he was. "Okay, let's practice. The first time I catch you by surprise so you're not even going to kiss me back. Like this."

I put my hands on his face and put my mouth over his, kissing him hard and fast. "There. But the second time, I'm going to again catch you by surprise, but it won't be so fast, and so you're going to join in. Okay? So just wait a second and then kiss me back, okay?"

"Okay." Marco licked his lips and waited for me to kiss him.

I did. This time he brought his hands up to my face too and kissed me back. It was a little weird, seeing as this is my gay best friend and I used to be totally head-over-heels in love with him. It was missing something, though. I pulled away. "Okay, that was fine. But, I kissed you pretty hard the first time. So, you have to act like you feel something when you kiss me. I know you don't, but just act. Act like I'm your soul mate or something, okay?"

"You are my soul mate, Ellie."

I blushed and cracked my knuckles. "Thanks Marco. I know, but like, pretend you like girls and pretend I'm the woman of your dreams. Think you can handle that?"

"That's easy."

I blushed again. Marco and his compliments... I pulled him into another kiss and this time it was better. Marco ran his hands along the side of my face into the hair at the bottom of my head. We pulled away kind of breathless. "Perfect." I murmured. This hurt... a lot. It brought back too many mixed emotions and memories and the pain I felt when I first found out Marco was gay and... UGH! Why was I even thinking about this? I had Sean. Sean was great, when he wasn't being a huge jerk to me and when he wasn't going to jail or stealing or... grr... Marco was the one guy in my life that I knew I could trust more than anything. Who I knew would never hurt me. And he was freaking gay.

Later that night I checked the messages on the answering machine in my room. Okay, one hang up, another hang up, yet another hang up, and then two more hang ups. Was I not important enough for someone to leave a message? I desperately needed to get my caller I.D. fixed. And fast.

"Hey Elle."

Ohmigod. It was Sean. Moron.

"I'm really sorry. I know that's not good enough. But I am. And that's all I can offer. And it's not so easy for me. You have to understand that. But, believe me, I care about you a lot. I lo-like you a lot. This is so stupid... I can't believe I'm talking to a machine. And now you're probably laughing your head off at what an idiot I am. And how much of a loser I am. And I really need to stop before I give you any more reason to laugh at me. Just, call me back, okay? Please?"

Message ended.

Sigh. Great. What do I do now? I could call him back and pretend that everything was fine and he did nothing wrong. Or I could not call him back, stay mad at him, and then just ultimately end our relationship. I remembered how he acted when I had gotten mad at him. He basically told me Jay was more important than me. What a bastard. The latter choice was looking pretty damn good to me right now.


	23. Getting What You Want

**Chapter 23: Getting What you Want**

**Marco's POV**

"You don't know me, Steve. It doesn't work. I brought that bottle up here to make you feel cheap. That didn't work either. Instead, I'm the one who feels cheap. I've never felt that way before..." I watched as Ellie recited her lines in front of the class. Everyone was completely mesmerized. And to think I had been worried that she might get me a bad grade. She was amazing.

I watched as Ellie floated across our "set" in the amazing beaded white dress we had found for her. A matching faux fur stole was wrapped around her shoulders and I tugged on the brim of my hat. We acted out the rest of our lines and then we got to the kiss. Ellie grabbed my face and pulled me into a quick kiss and the audience gave out some catcalls.

I licked my lips after she pulled away and took a step backwards, "What'd you do that for?"

"I was wondering whether I'd like it."

"What's the decision?"

"I don't know yet." Ellie grabbed me again, but this time I kissed her back, just as she taught me. The class erupted into cheers and even Ms. Kwan looked pleased when we pulled apart. Ellie raised an eyebrow suggestively. "It's even better when you help. Uh, sure you won't change your mind about this?"

I turned around so I wasn't looking at her, "Uhuh."

"This belongs to me and so do my lips. I don't see any difference."

"I do." Okay, Ellie just had to make it through her next couple of lines and we'd be through. This would be the moment of truth.

"Okay. You don't have to act with me. You don't have to say anything and you don't have to do anything. Not a thing," Ellie started towards the door and paused. "Oh, maybe just whistle. You know how to whistle, don't ya Steve? Just you put your lips together and blow."

I let out a huge sigh of relief. Perfect. Our duet had been perfect. Ellie shyly went back to her seat while I hammed it up a bit in front of the class, dramatic bows after dramatic bows. Spinner finally threw a piece of paper at me and told me to stop being annoying. I gave him a wry little smile and sat down next to Ellie. She quickly looked at me and smiled before returning to her inspection of her nails.

I was about to say something to her when Ms. Kwan interrupted," That was great. Spectacular. Okay, so you're probably wondering why you did these duets. Well, we are going to be putting on a drama production in class. Your duets were your audition pieces!"

Some people groaned because they had done poorly with their skits, while I screamed a silent "yes!" in my head. I had nailed it. I would definitely get one of the lead parts. I wondered what play we'd be performing.

"Since we just studied Oscar Wilde in English class, I figured this would be a great opportunity to do a play by him: The Importance of being Earnest."

I had never heard of that play before, but I was certain it'd be a hit. The bell started to ring and Ms. Kwan hurried to finish up, "Now, I'll post the list of parts at the end of the day outside this room. You'll get your scripts tomorrow! Have a good day."

I ran to catch up with Ellie who had somehow snuck out before everyone else. She was walking at such a fast pace that I was out of breath when I reached her. "Hey! Where are you going?"

"Um, to class... Where do you think?" She cast me a weird look and I returned it to her.

"So, you were above awesome in there. Why didn't you practice like that?"

"It's a lot different when you do it in front of an audience."

"I know, but that was amazing. I didn't know you could act like that."

"Oh, I thought we were talking about my kissing. Silly me."

I rammed my shoulder into hers lightly, causing her to stumble a bit to the side. She returned the action and clutched her shoulder. "Okay, I think I hurt myself worse..."

I instinctively reached out and massaged her shoulder as we continued to walk. "I bet you'll get a lead part, Ellie. Ms. Kwan seemed impressed."

She lifted her eyebrows and shrugged. "Who knows. Who cares."

I rolled my eyes at her nonchalant attitude. I knew she was freaking inside. There's something about seeing someone who loves acting do it. Their whole face lights up and it's like they're really the character. That's what Ellie looked like. That's how I knew she'd be getting a lead.

**Ellie's POV**

I didn't call Sean back. I haven't talked to him at all since that day. Is that wrong? I just feel like he should suffer a bit. He spent awhile trying to win me back. Pleading with me, apologizing profusely, things of that sort, but I told him to leave me alone. He's a good listener, because he is actually leaving me alone. He won't talk to me, he won't even look at me. And I'm starting to wonder if this is what I wanted.

"So, Sean and you are still kaput?" Marco asked me after taking a bite of his fish.

I wrinkled my nose at the smell and sight of his lunch. "I don't know. We haven't talked. But he deserves this, doesn't he?"

"He did apologize."

"Yeah, and he did steal. Again."

"And he did get you out of trouble."

"Trouble that he got me into in the first place."

"He did tell the truth."

"Yeah, and he also stood up for Jay more than me. What's that tell you?"

Marco smirked, "Maybe he's gay and him and Jay have this whole affair going on behind your back?"

I threw a carrot stick at his face, "Hush."

He ate his fish and I chewed on a carrot stick for a few minutes in silence. Marco broke it. "So I think you should forgive him and go back to being happy Ellie."

"Happy Ellie? I'm always happy Ellie."

"Yeeeah... That's right. I forgot. I can't really tell. You seem to have this bored look permanently attached to your face," Marco replied sarcastically.

"Is this better?" I put an extremely huge grin on my face and Marco laughed.

"Actually, yes. Very sexy."

"I thought so. Seriously, Marco. Why are you, like, taking his side over mine? I'm your best friend. He's been nothing but a jerk to you," I knew that wasn't completely true. Sean used to be a complete jerk to Marco, but he was really starting to come around. Still, it seemed like I was grasping at any reason to not talk to Sean. Why was I doing this to myself?

"You are my best friend, Ellie, and that's why I'm doing this. Why can't you let yourself be happy?"

I didn't know how to answer that. Was Marco psychic or something? He fixed me with a no-nonsense look. The same look I frequently gave him. I drummed a carrot stick nervously against the table.

Marco took the carrot stick away from my hand and held it hostage from me. "I'm not giving this back until you agree to talk to Sean."

"I just don't see what the point is!" I wish Marco would just let it go. And then we could go on to talk about more important things- like Heather Sinclaire's embarrassing new haircut or how Terri had totally bombed during drama class.

"The point is, you haven't been this happy since we went out... briefly..."

Ouch. Marco just had to get that dig in. I looked down at the table and put my hands underneath my thighs to keep them from shaking. Didn't he understand that that was territory we didn't explore? It was true, I hadn't been happy since then. Until Sean and I started going out. Marco knew he hit a soft spot because he kicked my boot with one of his shoes below the table.

I blew a stray piece of hair out of my face, "Fine. I'll talk to him."

"Ellie!" I turned around to Marco calling my name. What was he doing running like an idiot towards me? He stopped in front of me and leaned over, breathing hard. "The cast list is up. I got a lead part!"

"Aw! That's great, Marco. What you wanted!"

"You should really go look at it, right now. Really, you should."

Okay, this was weird. I let Marco drag me towards Ms. Kwan's room and push me through the small crowd of students gathered around the little paper. And this was about....? Oh.

Cast of "The Importance of Being Earnest"

Jack Worthing- Marco Del Rossi

Algernon Moncrieff- Jimmy Brooks

Gwendolyn Fairfax- Paige Michaelchuck

Cecily Cardew- Eleanor Nash

And blah, blah, blah... The important thing was that I had gotten a main part. Pretty cool. Except for the fact that it said Eleanor. Ew. I'd have to ask her to change that. I checked the rest of the list and saw that I was also on the costume/makeup committee. That was pretty cool too. I have a knack for that, if I do say so myself. Gross- Ashley was the student director. Like I wanted to take orders from her.

"Congratulations, Ellie."

Speaking of Ashley...

I turned around and fixed Ashley with a look that could mean nothing other than leave me the hell alone. Still, she continued to congratulate me and tell me how I deserved the part. Like I wanted to hear this from her. She was probably just jealous. God, I'm so mean sometimes...

"Thanks, Ashley," I said stiffly before walking away.

"Hey, Ellie..." Jimmy threw an arm around my shoulder. "Listen, I noticed the way you kissed Marco and, well, I was thinking that maybe you could give me a few pointers. I mean, you heard what Ms. Kwan said about the play- it's sort of romantic. And so..."

"Jimmy?" I arched an eyebrow. "You have a girlfriend."

"Hey, I was just asking for some advice. It's not like I wanted you to ram your tongue down my throat. If you don't want to that is..."

I allowed myself to let out a tiny laugh and walked away, shaking my head. Okay, so before I go home there was one thing I had to do. Find Sean. And that could be hard because he usually split as soon as school was over. But I had promised Marco that I would talk to him. And I had started getting my hopes up after lunch and playing out the different ways our conversation could go.

Okay, there he was. Talking to Mr. Radditch. I wonder what about. He better not have gotten into trouble again, or... Sigh. "Sean!" I shouted as he started to walk down the hall again.

He froze in his spot and turned his head around a bit, but started walking again when he realized it was me. Okay, I'm the one who's supposed to be pissed here, not him. "Sean!" I started to walk with him. "Listen, I'm sorry I didn't call you back the other night. I was confused."

"And you were confused until right now? What is there to be confused about? I fucked up, I'll never be good enough for you. It seems pretty simple to me."

"No! That's not true. Just, hear me out."

"I don't want to hear a damn word you say."

I stood in shock as Sean walked away from me, as if I had the plague or something. That was embarrassing. I hope no one saw. Nope, the hallways were still pretty crowded and I saw a few people looking in my direction. Great. Now I had my own pity party. I want to die.

I only have one choice left.

I walked into school Friday, six periods late. If this didn't get me a Saturday detention, I don't know what will. Sure enough, I was stopped by Denise. I smirked at her as she asked me where I was and if I had a note. I popped my gum in her face and shook my head. I never liked Denise and she never liked me.

"Huh. Well, I'm afraid you'll have to talk to Mr. Radditch. I'm sorry I have to do this, Ellie." No you aren't. I'm not either.

Fifteen minutes later I was served a Saturday detention. Good. Now I'd be able to talk to Sean as much as I wanted and he'd have to listen to me. Unless he decided to block me out for the entire morning. That wouldn't be good. That would suck. Then I'd be in detention for nothing. Why didn't I think these things out more thoroughly?

**Sean's POV**

One Saturday down the tubes. I sauntered into school five minutes early. Why I wanted to be at detention early, I don't know. Maybe I just wanted to see Mr. Radditch's beautiful face. Or catch him with his Swiss ball. Nevermind, that'd be disgusting.

I had a major hangover. Hopefully, I'd just be able to sleep the entire detention and get over the pounding headache that was taking over my whole body at the moment. Too many drinks last night, trying to forget about that stupid redhead that keeps appearing in my thoughts. I should be over Ellie by now, but I'm not.

Why did she even have to try and talk to me yesterday? Why couldn't she just let us break up and stay broken up. I feel like an asshole because I took it out on her, but these past few days have been shitty. I'm used to her nagging me about my homework and whether I'm eating good enough or staying out of trouble. Without her, my homework doesn't get finished, I eat crappy fast food, and I stay out all night with Jay and Towerz. It should seem like the life, but it's not. It sucks. Especially when teachers give you those disappointing looks because things had been going so well and now... well, they're not. And then they ask you if something is going on and how am I supposed to tell them that my girlfriend doesn't want to talk to me anymore because I put her in second place? I can't. So instead I tell them to mind their own business and then zone out in class.

And when I'm not zoning out, I'm thinking about what she's doing at the moment. Probably turning in her perfect homework that will reward her a perfect grade and joking around with Marco. But how can she get mad at me for putting Jay first when she's still secretly in love with Marco? I can see it. She's always talking on the phone with him, touching him, sharing secrets with him. They have so many fucking inside jokes it makes me sick. I just want to beat the crap out of him and tell him to lay off of her. For someone who is supposedly gay, he sure likes to fool around with my girlfriend.

Why the hell do I even miss her nagging me anyway? I was getting so annoyed with it. It's like she was constantly breathing down my neck and I couldn't take a step without asking her first if it was okay. Who wants that in their life? Not me, that's for sure. So why the hell do I miss her so much?

I didn't even notice that the room to the library had opened up and someone else had walked in until I saw a familiar black bag being thrown on the table. I didn't even have to look up to know who it was. I could smell her perfume. I could feel her right leg jittering up and down, like it always does. I heard her let out one of her annoyed sighs. That sound always gets me. She always makes that sound.

"Hey, Sean."

Why did she have to say my name? I licked my lips and looked up at her beneath my hat. She looked like she had just woken up and I noticed the dark circles under her eyes. I realized I wasn't the only one going through this. She was biting the inside of her cheek. I wanted to touch that cheek. No. Must. Stop. These. Thoughts. "Hey, Ellie." God!

"I brought you a sandwich. Just in case, you know, you got hungry." I remembered how she had given me part of her sandwich in our first Saturday detention together. Our only detention together, until now.

"Thanks. Why are you here?"

"Skipped a few classes. You?"

I wondered if she was being serious, but then I noticed the teasing glint in her eye. Yeah, she's real funny. "Stole a few things. Stupid stuff."

"I figured as much."

"Yeah."

Awkward silence. Nothing to do now except twiddle my thumbs and wait for the clock to strike three.

"Can we talk?" She tucked her legs underneath her in the chair and leaned forward.

Talk about what? How I wanted to kiss her right now? No, we couldn't talk about that. That would make me into the wimpy boyfriend.

She didn't wait for me to answer, though. "I'm sorry. I don't know what to say, except that I don't want us to break up. You make me happy. I'm never this happy. I want to stay this happy."

"You're happy with Marco." There, I had to let that out.

"What's that mean?"

"It means you're still in love with Marco. It's so obvious. Just go ahead and do him, but he only likes it one way..."

She reached across the table and slapped me. Hard. That fricken hurt like hell. I wiped at the spot where she had hit me. Okay, so something I said obviously pissed her off.

"What kind of person says something like that? I'm not in love with Marco. I used to be, okay? But I'm not anymore. And I'm not going to let you talk about him like that and treat me like I'm some cheater when I've never done anything to you."

I didn't know what to say. I think I was still getting over the shock of her hand. "Well..." I began, but what else was I going to say? I didn't know.

"Well, what? Why can't you admit that you messed up?"

"Because I didn't!"

"Stealing is okay, all of a sudden? Taking the blame for your idiot friends is okay?"

"I stole too! Not just them. So I made some mistakes. I've had a pretty shitty life. I'm allowed to make a few mistakes."

"I know, Sean. I heard you. Everyone's heard you. Everyone has a shitty life. That doesn't mean you mess it up even more and then justify it because your parents are alcoholics or your brother moved to Alberta or whatever. You're not the only one with problems around you. Stop playing the victim and stop being Jay's whipping boy."

I picked up her precious bag and threw it against the wall. She jumped up from the table and ran over to it, putting everything that had fallen out inside. I immediately felt bad as soon as I saw that I had broken a framed picture of her dad that was in her bag. I walked over and kneeled down next to her to help pick everything up.

I picked the picture up and looked at it. It must have been taken right before her dad had gone overseas or something. He was in uniform and Ellie was standing next to him, beaming admirably at her dad. She must really look up to him. She'd never look that way at me. I went to pick up the small frame it had been in and cut myself with a piece of glass.

"Sean, be careful!" She grabbed my hand and covered the cut with her other one. "We need to wash this out and get you a Band-Aid."

I felt like the biggest jerk in the world. Why was she trying to take care of me after I had just gone psycho on her? I met her eyes and she looked back at me, worried. "I'm sorry, Ellie," I whispered.

She nodded and we stood up and started towards the hallway. "It's okay, Sean. I'll just get a new frame for it."

"No. I'm sorry for everything. You're right. I'm just feeling sorry for myself all the time. I mean, look at you. You're mom was drunk every day, you lived by yourself for a while, your dad's fighting in a war, and you're fine. You can handle it."

She looked away from me. "Yeah, I sure can," she muttered.

I pulled her into the hug in the middle of the hallway and kissed the top of her head, taking in the scent of her hair. God, I had missed this. I wanted this so badly. I could have this again if I asked. "So, can you forgive me? Are we cool now?"

She pulled the hat off of my head and rumpled my hair. "Yeah, we're cool."

**Sorry it was short. Short but sweet. PsychoJo- blow up Sean's would be very nice. But only if the eyebrows were tamed down. Should Ellie wax them next chapter? Hmmm... I don't know how you could put that tactfully. Same thing, if there's a point of view you'd like to see, just put it in a review and I'll put it in. Sorry it took awhile for this chapter. **


	24. Things We Learn

**Chapter 24: Things We Learn **

**Ellie's POV**

Sunday morning I woke up feeling like absolute shit. I was nauseated, hot, and all I wanted to do was pass out and sleep the whole day. That didn't happen, though. I woke up to Dolce smothering me with all his fur and Gabbanna trying to bite my fingers. My mom walked threw open my door and came in with a bottle of furnisher polish and a rag, looking totally lethal. She made a clicking noise with her tongue that she always makes when she's annoyed. Obviously, she wasn't enjoying the sight of two little kittens on the bed.

"Ellie! They're going to get fur everywhere."

"Mom! Calm down," I mimicked her tone.

"Don't get sassy with me. Your room is a mess!"

"But it's a clean mess. I know exactly where everything is. Underneath that skirt by the desk is the new People magazine. Underneath all my art supplies in the corner is a tennis racket. See mom?" I sat up in bed and wiped my bangs away from my face. My mom gave me a smart-ass look and started to dust off my dresser.

"Your father called. He'll be home in probably two weeks. They're trying to send as many troops back as possible."

I grabbed the nearest pillow and hugged it tightly with a smile. I couldn't believe that my dad would be home in less than a month! And I was sure he'd be staying for long this time. My upset stomach was shoved to the back of my mind as I swung my legs around so my feet hit the floor. All of a sudden, I was feeling particularly good today.

I sat down in front of my vanity and started to put moisturizer on my face. My mom came over and started to run a comb through my hair, like she always used to. I had really missed this. My mom and I used to get along so well, partly because she was never around to argue with. I hope that what she says is true- I hope she never goes back to being an alcoholic and miserable. I watched in the mirror as my mom started to French braid my hair. She always loved to French braid my long hair. I was beginning to feel like I was a little girl again.

"I saw Ashley the other day in the store."

Did my mom even know who Ashley was? Well, supposedly she did. "Huh."

"Are things okay between you and her?"

There was no way I was going to offer any information. Especially not to my mom. I was sure, if I did, she would just tell me to forgive Ashley and get on with it. I'm not going to lie, the idea has popped in my head. She's apologized, I'm over it, but how do I know she won't turn on me again? I've dealt with that before, and it's not fun. That's how I ended up at Degrassi. Well, part of the reason.

"They're fine, mom. I think I'm going to go over to Marco's and then to Sean's, okay?"

She sighed heavily, "Whatever you want. I"ll just stick around and clean the entire house all by myself."

"Okay, you do that, mom." It's about time she learned to do something for herself. I sure have.

I hurried over to my closet to find something to wear. I swear, I have absolutely nothing. Leaning against the doorframe, I surveyed my choices and finally chose a grey tartan skirt and a sheer black long sleeved shirt with a frilly maroon top over it. I took a look in the mirror and squinted at my reflection. Was it me or had I gained weight? I checked to see if my mom was watching me before I lifted up my shirt and stared at my stomach. Okay, yeah, I probably gained like fifty pounds. I had to find out. But I had to get my mom out of my room first. "Um, mom? A little privacy please?"

She sent me a "yeah, right" look and went on cleaning. Fine. I pushed open the door to my bathroom and locked it quietly. My mom couldn't find out that I had hid a scale in the back of my towel closet. She'd freak and send me away. I pulled it out, making sure not to make any noise when I set it down on the tiny rug. I'd just get on it quickly, see how much I weighed, and then hurry and put it back. Dammit! Three ounces. Three fucking ounces. Hot tears stung my eyes and I leaned against the closed bathroom door.

No matter how hard I tried, I always failed. I had gotten careless and let Sean buy me that stupid ice-cream cone. Who can resist a waffle-cone, though? Not me. Stupid, fat, gross-looking Ellie. Why couldn't I just be perfect? My weight was the only fucking thing holding me back. I tried to stop the tears from spilling onto my cheeks, but I couldn't. I felt so... I don't even know how I felt. Desperate, I guess.

My mom knocked on my door, "Ellie? Are you okay in there?"

"I'm fine mom!" I tried to make my voice sound as normal as possible, but it came out wobbly.

"Ellie? Let me in!"

"MOM! I'm fine!"

"You're obviously crying. Let me in."

She started knocking on the door more and she kept turning that damn knob. I couldn't take it anymore. I stood up quickly and threw open the door. "I'm FINE!" I screamed and ran out of my room. I had to see Sean.

**Elisabeth Nash**

I can't believe I saw that. I want to erase the sight of that scale from my memory, but I can't. Last time I had overlooked all the signs and evidence and look where that had gotten her. Look what it had done to our family.

I knelt on the floor next to the scale. Blue permanent marker was drawn in a line next to the 60lb mark. She wanted to be 60 lbs. I wiped a shaking hand across my tear-streaked cheek. I wonder where the small metal sliver had pointed to when she stepped on it. I can't believe I didn't realize what she was doing. That she was doing it again. Had I really been that oblivious?

Of course I had. I hadn't even been home for weeks. She was free to do whatever she wanted. Just how far had she gone this time? Was she making herself throw up again? Was she keeping a food diary? Was she taking diet pills? Why was she doing this to herself? To us?

Ellie had always been a tiny girl. The doctors said her metabolism was too fast for her body, for her age. We used to give her protein shakes every day to help her gain weight because it was practically melting off of her. Her classmates used to laugh at her and call her idiotic names like "stick" and "twig". It was almost scary to look at her.

And then the doctor said that her metabolism would probably start to slow down once she reached junior high. And it seemed to. She looked healthier and... great! Then she became all moody and irritable and secretive. Then she started to lie to us and told us she ate dinner when she hadn't. She'd tell us she didn't feel well and then would go throw up. We thought she was really sick with the flu or something.

I'd walk past her room at night on my way to bed- this was probably around 2 or 3 in the morning- and she'd be staring in her mirror. Turning this way and that way, pinching at her waist. I thought it was cute that she was so concerned. I would give anything for her to appear more concerned with her image. It was three in the fucking morning and I thought it was cute that she wouldn't sleep because she thought she was fat. How horrible am I? I wasn't ever home to even cook her a meal. I never packed her lunches. I didn't make breakfast. I was always too busy with my latest client or picking out patterns for throw pillows.

That's when she started to wear five layers of clothing just so we wouldn't get suspicious. Like we would have ever even noticed. We were too wrapped up in our jobs. We thought we were taking care of her by buying her anything she ever wanted. She didn't want her dad's company car to take her to school anymore. She wanted to walk the entire way. She became obsessed with taking runs at night.

This went on for three and a half years before we even noticed. Who knows if it had gone on even longer. Maybe it had all started back in the third grade or the fourth or fifth. Who knows? It wasn't until we had gotten the call from the school nurse that Ellie had collapsed on her way to class. Me and Christian took the afternoon off to go over to school. She could barely keep her eyes open. She could barely breath. We didn't know what was wrong with her. She swore that she had eaten lunch that day. That she was just exhausted from homework and everything. We actually believed her.

And then Zeke told us the truth. He wasn't even friends with Ellie anymore, but he said we had to know what was really going on. He told us how she wouldn't eat at lunch. If she did, she'd have five carrot sticks. Only five. She couldn't go over that. She told him it was all about gaining control. She'd leave lunch every day to go to the bathroom. He said she'd come back to class looking completely drained. I barely believed him when he told us that she made herself throw up every day. He said he'd caught her at one point and told her if she didn't stop he'd tell someone. She promised she'd never do it again, he said. But she did.

If that wasn't enough for a mother to hear... Then he told us Ellie had other problems. How she was teased at school- called a "slut" and a "whore". How she would do anything with a guy, but they had to give her something in return. To hear that about your own daughter is the most painful thing in the world. He told us she used the money to buy drugs. I almost broke down. She had fallen into the wrong crowd- some rich, country club types who did anything for a thrill, who felt they needed to gain this appearance of perfection. So they did whatever they could to make themselves feel good. Images of Ellie snorting lines and sticking a needle in herself flooded my head.

We did the only thing we could do- we sent her away. She stayed in treatment center for two months. She hated it. She swore she'd never talk to us again and that nothing was wrong, that Zeke was lying. She'd call home crying almost every day, begging her dad to take her out of there. He almost gave in at one point, but I made him promise to keep her in there. When you find your daughter's hidden stash of Ipacec syrup, you'll do anything to get her help, even if she hates you for the rest of her life.

After the two months, she seemed to be doing fine. So we took her out of there, but we decided to move. So we left and she transferred to Degrassi. We thought the change in atmosphere would be good for her. Too many bad memories back at Rookwood- teasing, drugs, Braydon... We thought the move would help kill some of her old habits.

Apparently not.

**Sean's POV**

"Hey. I didn't hear you come in." I was surprised to see Ellie on my couch, watching TV. She shrugged and continued to keep her eyes on the screen. Okay, something was wrong. I walked over, one hand rubbing a towel through my wet hair and the other hand holding the towel around my waist in place. She must have come in while I was taking a shower. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing."

Oookay... I knew I was in for another dramatic outburst from Ellie Nash. I thought Emma was drama... Maybe I liked drama. I liked Ellie. I loved Ellie. _But does she love you? _I pushed that thought of my head. I couldn't deal with that now.

I sat on the couch next to her and watched as her hands fiddled with the edge of the blanket she had draped over her. "Something happened," she whispered. Her voice was so soft I could barely hear it.

I leaned in closer and ran a finger through her braided hair. "What?" I whispered back.

"My mom..."

I jerked my hand away from her hair. "What did she do to you?"

"No! Nothing. She didn't do anything. She just... you know what, nevermind. I'm making a huge deal out of nothing."

"You can tell me, Ellie. You can tell me anything."

"I know that, Sean. But it's really the dumbest thing ever. I'm fine. Totally fine. Perfect." She smiled and I smiled back. Maybe she was right. Maybe it was nothing.

I was about to stand back up to go get dressed when Ellie grabbed my towel. "Where do you think you're going?"

"Um. To get dressed."

"Can I come?"

Wow, she was being coy. She bit her lip and looked up at me beneath her eyelashes. "If you want." I licked my lips and took her hand, leading her to my room.

As soon as came through the doorway, she slammed the door and jumped up on me, legs wrapped around me, head underneath my chin. I wrapped my arms around her and squeezed her tight. What was with her tonight? She usually didn't act this needy. My thoughts went back to just before when she mentioned something happening with her mom. She had seemed fine just a minute ago, dismissing the whole incident as if it were nothing, but what if it had been something?

"Ellie, are you sure you're okay?"

"Why? You don't want to do this?"

"No! That's definitely not what I meant. It's just... you're acting sort of weird today."

She jumped back down onto her feet and went over to look out my tiny bedroom window. "Like I said, I had kind of a rough morning, but it's fine now. I just want to be with you. Why's that so hard for you to accept?"

"Why are you getting all pissed off?"

"Because," her voice rose, "my boyfriend doesn't even want to touch me!"

This was really out of left field. When had I given her the idea that I didn't want to touch her? I had to restrain myself from feeling her up ¾ of the time. My affection towards her was definitely not the problem here. I watched as she wrapped her arms around herself and paced back and forth from one side of my room to the other. I went over and stopped her, "Calm down, okay? That's not right."

"I know, "she muttered. "Like I said, I had a rough morning."

We ended up lying on my bed for awhile. Just talking, holding hands, innocent stuff. I was still in my towel and she was lightly rubbing her hand up and down my chest. I was loving every minute of it. "Did I tell you about the play we're doing in speech and drama class?"

"No." Hold on. Was this a trick? Had she actually told me before and was testing me to find out whether or not I had been listening. This wouldn't be the first time she's tricked me.

"Well, we're putting on a play. In like a month. "The Importance of Being Earnest". I've actually seen it before. It's pretty good. But I got a lead part."

"Really? I didn't know you were into that sort of thing."

"It's pretty cool. I guess. You know, if you like that sort of thing."

Isn't that what I just said? Nevermind... "Are you excited?"

"Eh. Not _really_. But you're going to come and see it, right?"

"Um. Sure. I'll see if Jay wants to come."

"Do you ever do anything without Jay?"

"No."

"Oh."

"So, how long is this thing?"

"I don't know, Sean. If you don't want to come you don't have to. Jesus Christ, I'm not putting a gun to your head."

Here we go again. "I know, Ellie. I was just asking."

"Okay. I'm sorry." She kissed me on the cheek and I turned my head to look at her.

She looked like hell. "Are you feeling okay? You're not looking so..."

"Alive? I know. I look like I should be laid out in a coffin."

I placed the back of my hand on her forehead and cheeks. That's what my mom used to do to me when I was little. When she gave a shit, that is. I didn't really understand the point of it, but I figured maybe it helped or something. "You're really cold."

"Like I said. I looked deceased. I'm sorry you even have to look at me."

I chuckled a bit and scratched my stomach. "Well, you're not _too _bad to look at... I guess I'll put up with it."

She closed her eyes and for a second there I thought she was falling asleep. Her eyes shot open, though, and she trailed a finger up and down my chest. Isn't it strange how the human touch can send chills or electric or whatever down your body? That her touch could have that much affect on me? Her finger stopped just below my belly button. "Let's go."

"What?"

"Let's just... go. Get out of here. Leave and, like, don't ever come back."

I laughed. "That would go over real well with everyone, I'm sure. Where would we go?"

"I don't know. Montreal. I'd show you my old house. We could live in my old house. No one would ever know."

"I don't think we'd survive. We'd be having sex all the time. Nothing would get accomplished."

"Is that so bad?"

"Where's this coming from?" Yeah, where was this coming from? This was Ellie- Miss Control Freak- all of a sudden wanting to just leave everything and just go. This wasn't like her.

"I don't know. It was just an idea. Just a joke really."

"Oh, okay. Good, because I thought you were going crazy there for a second."

"Yeah."

**Ellie's POV**

Why couldn't he have just said "yes"? Then we'd be on the next bus out of here. I wouldn't have to go home and face my mom. I don't even know what I'm going to say. She's probably going to lock me up again. I'm completely fine. At the beginning of the year it had gotten a little crazy, I'll admit. I could barely do anything. My heartbeat deafened me almost. But I'm good now. I can handle this. I know what I'm doing. She doesn't know anything. Still, I was going to have to do something drastic when I got home.

I looked over at Sean who was slowly nodding off. He pinched him to keep him awake. I hated when he fell asleep. I felt too lonely. He jerked awake and glared mockingly at me. Tough, I wanted his company. "Talk to me," I demanded softly.

"I'd rather sleep."

My boyfriend was _so _romantic. I pouted and scooted myself closer to him and he put his arms around me. Well... if my boyfriend couldn't stay awake and talk to me, at least he could hold me as he slept.

I quietly opened the door to my house later that night. I had stopped over at Marco's for dinner, making sure to bring leftovers home. Maybe my mom wouldn't question me then. No such luck. As soon as I stepped through the door, her form shot up from the couch. She got up and walked over me, enveloping me in a hug. Surprised, I hugged her back.

"How was your day, sweetie?"

"Um, good." Except for my constant worrying on how she was going to act. I definitely hadn't expected this. Screaming, crying, disappointment... yes. A hug... not exactly.

"We need to talk. Come sit by me on the couch."

I followed her to the couch, my heart in the pit of my stomach. My eyes scanned over the designs she had been working on. I pointed to one, "I like this one. The textures and colors are very rich." You could say I have an eye for design.

"Me too. Eleanor, I want to talk about what happened this morning."

I inhaled deeply and exhaled slowly. "Yeah?"

"What's going on?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

Okay, this was it. "Mom, I know what you're thinking. You think I'm... in trouble. But I'm not, okay? I swear. I wouldn't lie to you. I'm not trying to lose weight. In fact, it's the total opposite. I've gained it."

"Yeah...?"

"Seriously, mom. What I did before was so stupid. I went through therapy, I went through all of that, I'm finished with thinking that way. I just have that scale because I want to know that I can have control over it, you know? Haven't you ever wanted to prove something to yourself?"

Oh God. I was making myself sick with all this shit I was spewing out. If my mom fell for this then she wasn't as smart as I thought. Still, I prayed she did. It would make my life a lot easier. She stirred in her seat and rubbed her palms on her knees. "I guess I can see what you're saying. God, I feel like an idiot. I'm just worried. I know I haven't really been around. I didn't want you to hurt yourself."

"Mom, I'm perfectly fine. I have a boyfriend, dad's coming home in a few weeks, I have the lead in the play, and my co-op is going great. Mom, I have everything right now."

If I didn't stop, I might just throw up on the spot. What total bullshit. And my mom was basically eating it out of my hand.

"You do, don't you? Well, I better get back to these designs. Ashley called earlier."

She did? Hmmm. Wonder what that was about. I kissed my mom on the cheek and ran upstairs to my room. Okay, so maybe I would give Ashley one more chance. Everyone deserves a second chance, right? Or a third one, in her case. Or was it fourth? I was losing count. I quickly dialed her number.

"Hello?" Oh great, Toby.

"Toby, is Ashley there?"

"Who is this?"

He was so annoying. "It's Ellie. Now get Ashley on the phone now."

"Ellie. Haven't heard from you in awhile. Is there a full moon tonight? Oh wait, that's werewolves."

"Funny. Really, I'm dying over here. Get her."

"You know, if you ever want to know what it's like to be with a real man, I'm sure I could lend myself to be of some sort of use."

Oh. My. God. I practically gagged listening to him. Was he for real? Like I would ever touch him. I heard Ashley in the background and her and Toby wrestling around a bit with the phone. "Hello?" she asked breathlessly.

"You called?"

"Ellie! I didn't think you'd call me back."

"Well, I'm fool of surprises."

"Yeah... so, I'm sorry. Really. I am. I can't stand fighting with you. You know?"

"Yeah, I know. It's so stupid. I can't even remember why we're fighting."

"You can't?"

"No, that's actually a lie. I do know, but that's what everyone says."

She laughed and I settled back in my pillows, ready for a long talk. "So you and Craig are acting pretty chummy lately."

"Oh, don't I know it. He's been so sweet to me lately."

"That's good. It was getting boring listening to you complain all the time."

"I did complain a lot, didn't I? Well, at least I have friends like you that will tell me bluntly."

"Yeah, at least you have a friend like me."

"So, how's Sean and things?"

I sighed dramatically. "Let me tell you... he is just so... it's just been... dramatic. Utterly and totally and completely and perfectly dramatic. It would make you sick! The first thing he did was..."

"Ellie?"

"Hmm?"

"He's dramatic?"

"Shut the hell up."

"You love it."

I smiled. Okay, so maybe I did. But was that so wrong?

**_Okay, so that's it for this chapter. I'm kind of lost right now as to where I want to go next. I definitely know some things that are going to happen later on, but I almost feel like maybe there are some things I should focus more on right now like her eating disorder and the drugs. But since those are long term problems, I don't want to just make her "better" and then go onto the next problem, you know? So, for the next chapter, I might make it skip ahead a month later to the opening night of the play. Does that sound good to you guys? I'm open to any suggestions as to what you'd like to see. Please give suggestions or if you agree that I should just skip to a month later. Thanks for all the reviews. Could you imagine a blow-up Sean from Wal-Mart wearing nothing but a towel and dripping with water? That's kind of sexy._**


	25. Ruins

**Chapter 25: Ruins**

**-One Month Later-**

**Marco's POV**

"Ellie, calm down. You're going to do great." I tossed Ellie a hairbrush and she nervously yanked it through her long hair.

"No, Marco. I won't be great. I'm going to suck royally. Everyone will laugh at me."

"Actually, I think that's sort of the point. It's supposed to be a comedy."

She let out a groan and threw the brush at my head before sitting back down in front of the mirror and applying her makeup. "Look at me. My hair isn't even curled yet, my makeup's not on, I don't have my costume on, I'll probably forget all my lines. I'm going to ruin the entire play. You realize that my parents are out there? And Sean? This is big, Marco. Huge. Gigantic."

"Enormous. Monstrous. I get it Ellie. Take a deep breath and think happy thoughts. You're a natural. Believe me, I've been putting up with your drama long enough."

She tossed me a look and I stifled a laugh. I loved seeing her like this- all nervous and out of sorts and unorganized. I finished applying the rest of my stage makeup and proceeded to help Spinner with his. Ellie just needed to chill out right now. Actually, she needed to chill out all the time. Especially lately, she's been acting like a huge control freak.

An hour later, Ms. Kwan informed us that we had ten minutes until the play was to begin. I hurried over to Ellie and gave her a quick back rub as she went over her lines. She had them like the back of her hand. She turned around and gave me a nervous little smile. "Nervous?"

"Me? Nah. You?"

"Like hell. Good luck, Marco."

I grabbed her in a hug, "You too, Elle."

Three hours later, Ellie and I took a bow with the rest of the cast in front of a standing ovation. I spotted Ellie's mom and dad and Sean in the front row. Oh my god... Sean had actually dragged Jay along with him? That was strange. I saw Sean and Mr. Nash both get up with bouquets of flowers and they gave them to Ellie on stage. How sweet.

Ellie grabbed my hand and squeezed it excitedly. She had been beyond great tonight. I could barely believe that it was the same best friend who barely said a word in front of anyone. And here she was acting in front of a packed auditorium. I was so proud of her.

The whole cast had decided to go out to eat afterwards with our families to this little Italian place down the street. I told my parents to go on ahead without me while I changed clothes quickly. I'd probably just walk down with Ellie. There's nothing worse than trying to get stage makeup off after a play. It takes forever.

"Yo, Marco. You finished?" Ellie popped her head in and her curls bounced.

"Let me just get this eye makeup off."

"Here, I'll help. I go through it everyday. Ugh, I'm going to have hairspray in my hair permanently after tonight."

Ellie took a Q-tip and dipped it in makeup remover before rubbing it over my eyelids carefully. I opened one eye and look at her as she worked on me. She was really amazing. Sometimes I wish I could just be normal and I could be with her. Things would be so much simpler.

"Marco? You ready?"

I hadn't even noticed that she had finished removing my makeup and was waiting for me to stand up. "Oh, yeah, sorry."

"Sean's walking over with us. Is that okay?"

"Sure." Was Jay walking with us, too? I hope not.

We met Sean outside the auditorium and he nodded me a greeting. He was alone. No Jay. Whew. I could see my breath as we walked down the street. It was freezing outside and I couldn't help but smile when I noticed Sean help Ellie slip on her jacket. He really did take care of her.

So many times I had worried what would become of her. I mean, when I told Ellie I was gay, I didn't really notice at the time, but it killed her. I was so caught up in my own troubles that I didn't even realize how much I had hurt her. And I was scared for her. She started to become reclusive and she was moody all the time. Always being secretive. But then her and Sean started going out and she's gotten so much better. She's actually smiling again. I love seeing her smile.

I opened the door and held it open for both Ellie and Sean to walk through. I hadn't realized how hungry I was until the smells of the kitchen hit me. Wow... I could probably eat five pounds of spaghetti. Ellie touched my shoulder and I turned around.

"You guys go on ahead. I'll be right there."

**Ellie's POV**

I closed the bathroom door behind me and made sure no one was already in there. I looked underneath all the stall doors but didn't see any feet. Good. I locked myself into the nearest stall and sat on the back of the toilet. I had been so nervous tonight I could barely stand it. But it was over with now. I didn't have to worry anymore. Except now I had to watch everyone shovel food into their fat faces. Disgusting.

Okay, I did awesome tonight. So that caused for a little celebration, right? I reached into my bag and pulled out a film container. But there wasn't film inside... Next I took out a tiny mirror and placed it on my lap. My knees were shaking so bad and I had to push on them to make them stop. I couldn't waste any of this.

I formed three skinny lines on the mirror. I wasn't happy until they were completely, perfectly straight. Then I took the tiny straw I had made and snorted the lines. The first line always burns a little. But by the second and third, you barely even notice. It just feels... good. Relaxing. Familiar. I clenched my fists together and breathed deeply, trying to clear my head.

I can't even remember when I first started to snort coke. I just started. All the rich kids did it back in Montreal. It was a way for me to be perfect, but still control the pain on the inside. I was able to be rebellious without anyone even knowing. I've tried plenty of other drugs before- speed, ecstasy, heroin...- but coke has always been my favorite. It's the one that really has an effect on me. The release I'm looking for.

I did one more line for good measure before stepping out of the stall. I smiled at my reflection in the mirror above the sink and wiped at my nose, getting rid of any white powder that was on it. There. I looked great. I looked normal and perfect. No one would be able to tell that I was breaking inside. Not like anyone even cared to notice anyway. Nobody ever paid attention to me. Until tonight...

I had been beyond great. Even I have to admit this. It's been a long time since I've been up on stage, but I haven't lost my touch. That's what my mom said- I haven't lost my touch. And then she said she was proud of me. I can't remember the last time my mom said she was proud of me. Or anyone, for that matter.

"Ellie, are you okay?"

I smiled. Sean was worried about me. Things between us have been so great lately. No arguments. Just smooth sailing. I helped him out- he helped me out. I think people are surprised we've lasted this long. No one saw it coming, not even us. We still get weird stares in the hallways sometimes, but nothing like before. I think people are intrigued by us. _I'm_ pretty intrigued by us.

I put my hands on the door and leaned against it a bit. "I'm okay, Sean."

**Sean's POV**

She stumbled a bit coming out of the bathroom. I grabbed a hold of her arm. "Watch out."

"Whoops," she giggled. "I'm a little dizzy, I guess."

"Yeah, I guess."

I led Ellie to the huge table the cast had reserved in the back of the restaurant and we took a seat next to Marco and across from Ashley. I drummed my fingers against the table anxiously. Forget food, I just wanted to get Ellie back to my place. God, how horny can I get? But I am a teenager. And I do have an extremely incredible girlfriend. Can anyone blame me?

"What are you getting, Sean?" Ellie tugged on the wrist of my sweatshirt.

I quickly picked up the menu and scanned through my choices. "Um... probably just spaghetti."

She wrinkled her nose slightly. God, I love that. "That's so boring!"

"Okay, then what are you getting?"

She picked at the edge of her menu. "I'm still nervous from before. If I eat anything now I'll lose it all over this table."

"That's an attractive image."

"Isn't it?"

We joked around a bit more until the waitress came to get our orders. I ordered my spaghetti with a coke.

"I'll just take a Sprite with no ice, please."

The waitress wrote down Ellie's drink order and walked away with a short nod. Ashley placed her elbows on the table and leaned towards Ellie. "You're not hungry? But you didn't even eat lunch!"

Ellie shrugged indifferently, "I was nervous. I still feel nervous." She went back to talking with Marco about some movie they had seen over the weekend.

I watched as Ashley gave Ellie a weird look. What was going on between those two? Ashley acted like Ellie was always hiding something, almost as if she were accusing her of something. I tried to think of any reason Ashley would feel that way towards Ellie, but I couldn't think of anything. Unless... Maybe Ellie was cutting again. But I would have noticed, right? Maybe I wasn't paying enough attention to her. I should know these things. I looked at Ashley again. Maybe I would just have to ask Ashley herself what was going on.

**Ashley's POV**

It's not that I'm trying to find reasons to get mad at Ellie. That's not it at all. I'm just looking out for her. And what I think she's doing... that makes me really pissed off. I mean, why is she always hurting herself? Doesn't she realize how good she has it? She has everything she could ever want and she acts like she's so miserable.

Okay, so lately she's been getting better- attitude wise, that is. I mean, she's smiling more, being a tiny bit more carefree- all because of Sean. How cute. But I still notice things about her that others don't. Like the fact that she's always too "nervous" to eat or just too busy or whatever excuse she has for that day. I've warned her once. I told her I'd be watching her and I am. I don't make blind threats. And what I've been seeing is totally not good.

And I know it's just not my mind playing tricks on me or something. Just looking at her, you know there's something wrong. Okay, so maybe not just looking at her. She's been wearing pretty baggy clothes lately. But, today when she was changing for the play, I snuck a look. Not in a perverted, peeping-Tom sort of way, but in a concerned, friendly way. She's my best friend, I have to look out for her. And what I saw is forever etched into my memory.

It was scary. That's the only word I can use to describe it. She didn't think anybody was looking at her- she thought the room was empty. I was peeking through the tiny crack in the door, though, and I saw her. And how skinny she was. I could see almost all of her ribs. They were just jutting out. All of her bones are. This sounds completely lame, but tears sprung to my eyes when I saw her.

It's one thing to suspect someone of hurting themself, but it's another to actually know that they are. And now I know Ellie is. Or, at least, I'm pretty sure... Okay, I don't sound too confident. But I'm going to do something about it.

Tomorrow I'm going to go see Ms. Suave. I know she tried to help Ellie before with her cutting problem. I'm pretty sure she succeeded. I don't think Ellie is cutting anymore. So, I figure since she helped her then, she can help her now. She doesn't have to come right out and say it, but she can just hint around until Ellie just breaks down and tells her everything.

Why would someone starve themself anyway? I can practically go two hours without eating something. How can she go a whole day? Watching her walk through the hallways is like torture for me. It's like she's slowly crawling her way down the hall to her next classroom. She just seems so lethargic and tired and worn out all the time. Exhausted. That's the word I'm looking for. She looks exhausted. But why is she doing this? Seriously, that's all I want to know.

She has everything. She's got the most perfect life ever and she's trying to ruin it.

**Sorry it was so short. I've been uber busy lately. This chapter totally sucked and I'm sorry you have to read it. Hopefully the next one will be much better. Thanks for the great reviews though. **


	26. Rainy Days and Mondays

**Chapter 26: Rainy Days and Mondays**

**Ellie's POV**

I was feeling peculiarly depressed this morning. I don't know what over, but I did. All I wanted to do was stay in bed all day and clear my head. It's not like there were a lot of thoughts going through my head or anything, but maybe that was the problem. It was weird to not be thinking about anything. To be feeling completely numb.

But the stupid blaring of my alarm clock kept me from feeling sorry for myself and forced me out of bed. I looked down at my painted toenails as I climbed out of bed and stepped into the shower. Even a shower wasn't going to make me feel better. Maybe Sean would, though. It took him awhile to have a deep and meaningful conversation with me, but I knew he would contribute if I asked him to. I hate when I want something, but can't quite put my finger on what I want. That causes a problem.

As if my bleak mood wasn't enough, the sky outside was dark and grey. I'd have to carry my little parasol to school just in case it happened to rain. But first things first, what to wear... what to wear... I wasn't really feeling completely up to actually using my brain to put together a cute little outfit. Instead I grabbed the nearest skirt, t-shirt, and one of Sean's old hooded sweatshirts. I remembered when he gave it to me...

-----Flashback--------

"Here. I thought you might want this."

I felt Sean throw something at my face and I groaned before opening one eye. At the moment a splitting headache was ripping its way through my skull and even the slightest movement could cause me to writhe in pain. "What is it? I can't see."

"It's a sweatshirt. You know, for when you're cold."

I wasn't really used to guys treating me well... I'm all about being treated like a princess- door being opened for me, helping me get my coat on, pulling out chairs... And every guy I've ever dated... I take that back- _almost_ ever guy I've ever dated- has not done any of those things for me.

I slowly sat up in the bed and took the sweatshirt in my hands so I could look at it better. It was a deep red and had WASAGA BASKETBALL on it in white letters. "Wasage basketball?" I read.

"Yeah. The team back at Wasaga Beach was pretty good. I used to go to the high school basketball games with tracker."

"That's cool. So why are you giving me this?"

Sean shrugged. "If you don't want it, you don't have to take it. I just thought it'd be nice if you had something of mine. You know, you can wear it. People will know we're together."

I bit my lip to keep myself from smiling because I knew Sean was already slightly embarrassed by his romantic gesture and I didn't want to embarrass him anymore. He was just too sweet. "Thanks," I pulled it on over my head. "How does it look?"

He nodded his approval, "Pretty hot on you."

------End of Flashback---------

I pulled the sweatshirt on over my head and checked it out in the mirror. I was such a... typical girlfriend. But, whatever. I was smiling more, that's all that mattered. Okay, I seriously had to listen to something a little upbeat or I was just going to melt into a puddle of depression. I turned my CD player on and sat down in front of my vanity to do my makeup while listening to "Crazy Game of Poker". This would do.

The phone next to me rang and I snatched it up. Who would be calling right now?

"Ellie?"

"Hey Marco."

"Hey. I just wanted to know if you wanted to walk together."

"Sure."

"Okay, so I'll see you. Bye."

Huh. That was weird. Marco had been getting rides from Dylan lately. I wonder why he wasn't going to today- especially considering it was probably going to start raining like any second now.

"Ellie?"

I turned around quickly to see my dad standing in the doorway. He leaned against the doorframe and crossed his arms casually. "Getting ready for school?"

"Yeah."

"That's good. Well, I just talked to Steve this morning. Looks like I'm going to have to go to Boston for a little bit. Maybe a week."

"Oh." Great. He was already leaving again. What else was new though? Seriously, why did _anything_ surprise me anymore?

"Yeah, so... I think your mom is going to come along. She has a friend in Boston. She needs a break."

Ha. She wasn't the only one. With everything that had been on my shoulders lately, I was surprised I wasn't having a nervous breakdown by now. But I couldn't let anyone see that. I had to stay in control.

"You're okay with this, right Ellie? If you don't want me to go, I won't."

I didn't want him to go. But how could I tell him that and make him stay? My dad loved working, it was his life. I couldn't be selfish and ask him to stay home and watch tv with me or whatever. I swallowed hard and willed my head to shake "no". My dad smiled with a sigh of relief and kissed me on top of the head before leaving the doorway.

What a way to start off my day...

I was so relieved when I finally reached the intersection where I always meet Marco. I was in desperate need of some company right now. Marco's company was, like, the best remedy for a horrible day. With one hand I held my pink parasol while holding up my skirt with the other. In all the bustle of the morning, I had forgotten to grab a belt before leaving home. It wasn't until I was halfway to Marco's that I realized that my skirt was slowly, but surely, falling down. Of course, I hadn't realized this until my freaking ass was just about all the way exposed. Maybe I would just ask Marco if I could use one of his today.

"Hey Elle." Marco appeared next to me and I jumped in surprise. I hadn't even noticed him walking down his street towards me.

I turned to him and gasped when I saw his face. His eyes were rimmed with red and he looked incredibly... sad, for lack of a better word. Immediately all my problems left my thoughts and I turned all my attention to him. "Marco, what's wrong?"

Marco was watching his feet the entire time we were walking. It took him awhile to answer me, but I didn't prod. Finally, he sighed deeply and met my eyes. "Dylan and I broke up."

"WHAT?!" I screeched. I grabbed onto his upper arm, making him stop in his tracks. "Okay, I need details."

"Okay, _Paige_," Marco muttered.

Okay, I'd let that one slide right now, but only because Marco was obviously not thinking straight. "I'm only trying to help. You don't have to bite my head off."

"Well, I don't really feel like talking about it, okay? We broke up. He thought we were getting too serious, especially since he'll be going to university next year. So, he said we need to take a break."

"Well, that's better. You're taking a break, that doesn't mean breaking up for good."

"Maybe you don't know how this goes, Ellie, but that means break up. And not just for a little while. Forever. As in Dylan and I are just friends now. If even that. I don't know if I can even look at him."

"You can be friends still. Look at us. We're best friends, right?" I responded softly. I squeezed his arm comfortingly but he shook me off.

"It's not the same. We went out for like three seconds. It meant nothing. Dylan isn't... wasn't just some little puppy-love crush like you and me, okay? I'm really attracted to him. I'm in love with him."

Ouch. That hurt. Hot tears prickled my eyes but I kept them from spilling over. What the hell did Marco mean by "puppy-love"? Is that what he thought it was? God... I had been desperately in love with him and he's writing it off like it was nothing. And like he never felt a single thing for me. What was I even supposed to say after he just said all that shit? I tried to think of something, but I couldn't. So I kept on walking.

"I don't even know why I'm telling you this. You're probably thrilled. You never liked Dylan. You couldn't stand the thought of us together."

Why was he saying this?! I had never acted that way.

"Well, you got your wish. We've broken up, but I'm still gay and there's nothing you can do about that. So just... don't... try. Don't try."

I spun around to face him, seething. "Shut up, Marco. Okay?"

He glared at me. "You have no idea what I'm going through, okay? So just don't even try to understand."

"What do you mean, I don't know what you're going through?"

"You just don't. You don't have problems like these. You don't have any real problems."

I stopped dead in my tracks and gaped as he moped ahead of me. Okay, that was it. I wasn't even going to try and be nice anymore. "Listen Marco, you may think that breaking up with your little boyfriend is the worst thing ever. Get over it. It's not. And it sure as hell doesn't give you a fucking excuse to treat me like shit. So you can stop acting as if your world has ended because you may think you have the worst problems ever, but there are people out there who have you beat. Stop acting like a two-year-old."

"And you shut the hell up," Marco hissed before walking through the school entrance.

I sat down on the stone wall by the steps. Great. I had totally forgotten to borrow a belt.

**Sean's POV**

"What's wrong?" I looked at the gloomy expression on Ellie's face and was instantly concerned. I thought things had been going great for her lately. She looked up at me from staring in her locker and shook her head.

We started walking down the hallway. "Marco. He's being a total asshole to me."

"Why? What did he do?"

"Him and Dylan broke up. He's upset. He takes it all out on me. End of story."

"Yeah, well, like you said, he's just upset. He'd never intentionally say anything to hurt you."

"I know. But it's like he never takes my feelings into consideration. It always has to be about him."

I wrapped an arm around her narrow shoulders and pulled her towards me into a quick hug. "Just leave him alone for awhile. He'll apologize."

She gave me a grateful smile and returned my hug tightly. "Thanks. Hey, do you want to come over tonight? My parents are going out of town this afternoon. Maybe we can get some Chinese?"

I raised my eyebrows. "Parents out of town? I think I can make it."

"Great. Come around like 7:00, okay?"

I leaned down to give her a quick kiss before we went our separate ways. As I walked towards my shop class, Ashley appeared and started to walk with me. "I want to talk with you."

"Um, about what?" What the hell did she want? We weren't exactly chatty.

"Ellie."

God, was this about us dating, again? I was so sick of Ashley trying to butt into our relationship and get us to give up on each other. "What about Ellie?"

"Um, isn't it obvious?" I stopped and look at Ashley. Obviously, it wasn't that obvious. Otherwise, I'd know what the hell she was talking about.

I gave her a blank look and she sighed heavily. "Fine. Come over here." She moved me towards underneath the stairwell where it wasn't so crowded. She looked around to make sure no one was listening before opening her mouth. "I think Ellie has a problem. A serious problem."

"What kind of problem?" I didn't want to sound to interested. This was Ashley we're talking about. She makes big deals out of nothing. Kind of like someone else I know... No wonder her and Ellie were such good friends.

"An eating problem."

I laughed loudly. "Um, Ellie does not have an eating problem. Far from it. She's not exactly tipping the scales."

"That's the point, Sean."

What? "What?"

I hate when I say exactly what's on my mind.

"I think Ellie has an eating disorder. She doesn't eat. It's as simple as that. And believe me, she's so skinny, it's sick. Haven't you noticed?"

I ransacked my mind for any occurrences where I had thought Ellie looked especially skeletal. Nope, nothing came to mind. Well... except when her ribcage is practically puncturing my stomach when she's lying on top of me. But that isn't exactly a big deal. "Ashley, are you sure?"

"Yes! She never eats lunch, she looks like a child from a third-world country, and have you noticed now sluggish she has become?"

No, I hadn't exactly noticed how _sluggish_ she had become. I rolled my eyes angrily. "Listen Ashley. Stop trying to mess with Ellie okay? It's really starting to piss me off."

"I can't believe you! I'm being serious here, Sean. Don't you care about her?"

"Yeah, and that's why I want you to leave her alone. Ellie is fine. So stop trying to screw her life up."

"Well, fine. If you won't believe me, someone else will."

**Ellie's POV**

I waited in my seat expectantly for my English paper. I knew I had done awesome on this assignment. Ms. Kwan went by my desk and set the paper on it. I looked up at her and she winked, "Beautiful work as always, Ellie."

Eagerly I turned my paper over and saw the bright red 100% on it. _Yes! _I couldn't help but smile a little smugly. Ms. Kwan had just mentioned right before handing back our papers how there were few people who actually understood what she was looking for. It felt great to be one of them.

Ashley leaned over, "What did you get?"

"100%."

"What?! What did you write about?"

"The war in the Middle East."

"Did you agree with it or disagree?"

"Agreed."

She pouted, "I can't believe that you got a 100% when you agreed. She favors you so much. I wrote an awesome paper on Foreign Policy and an 81%. It sucks."

"She doesn't favor me. I just turn in quality work."

"Sure... Teacher's pet."

She was smiling and I knew she was joking, but it still wasn't funny. I deserved this A. I deserve every A I get. I stay up all night studying and writing and proofreading and everything just so I can make perfect grades. Everyone acts like I'm just the favorite and that's the only reason I get good grades, but that is so not true. I turn in quality work and when people accuse me of getting off easy it really pisses me off and then I start to... God. I really need to stop getting worked up over things. Seriously, I need to control this and just not care.

"Eleanor Nash please go to Ms. Suave's office. Eleanor Nash to Ms. Suave's."

What. The. Hell. Why was I being asked to go back _there_? I was through with that psycho-babble shit. I didn't need her to tell me I was normal and just under stress and hadn't found a normal way to deal with it. I'm sick of just constantly _staring_ at her while she stares back and expects me to open up anytime soon to her. Doesn't she realize that I will never open up to her? The point is- I don't _want_ anyone to know my problems.

I slowly lifted myself out of my seat and I could feel everybody watching me. Ms. Kwan had stepped into her own office for a second so everyone was free to talk. Except no one was talking loudly. They were all whispering as their eyes were on me. They knew something was going on. They knew I was a cutter. Or had been and supposedly had stopped. Was this what it was about? Was she going to demand to see my arms? Fuck that.

My steps were shaky as I walked across the room. Why did I have to sit on the completely different side of the room from the door? And why was the room slowly expanding every step I took? Okay. Step. Step. Step. Breathe. Step. Step. Step. Breathe. Step. Step. I felt tears threatening me behind my eyes. What was my problem? Why was I constantly in cry-mode today? _I will not have a nervous breakdown. I will not have a nervous breakdown. _Easier said than done.

Somehow I managed to make it out of the classroom door and down the hallway towards Ms. Suave's office. Her door was open and I just wanted to run away. Go home and crawl into bed and never come back. I put a hand out and touched the wall before slowing collapsing against it. My breathing was forced and shallow and my legs felt like they were too weak to hold me up. I wouldn't be surprised if I fainted right here. As a kid, I always fainted. It never surprised anyone. It surprised someone more if I _didn't_ faint at least once a day.

"Ellie? You coming in?"

I blinked and my focus wasn't so blurry anymore. Yep. Sure enough, there was Ms. Suave standing outside her doorway holding a mug of coffee. I wonder how much time it would give me to run out the door if I tossed that coffee into her face. God. Now I'm resorting to violence and I hate myself.

I followed her into her room and stood around nervously. It had been awhile since I had been in here. Before I had just waltzed in, through myself into a chair, and stared at my fingernails until she sighed and said time's up. Now I didn't know if I could do that anymore. I wasn't the same slightly confident Ellie today. I was a totally different Ellie today. I held onto the waist of my skirt, keeping it up, while I made my way over to the chair.

"You can sit down. This shouldn't take too long."

Okay, so then it must be a check-up. But maybe she'd just ask how I was doing and I could nod which would mean good and then she'd nod meaning good and then I'd leave. That would make me happy.

"Are you hungry, Ellie?"

Huh? Am I hungry? Maybe she was going to offer me food. "No." That wasn't a lie. I was hardly ever hungry anymore. Which is a good thing.

"Oh, did you already eat breakfast?"

"I don't eat breakfast."

"Why not? It's the most important meal of the day."

"It makes me sick." That was no lie. Breakfast did something to me and made me want to vomit profusely.

"Huh."

Okay... What did that "huh" mean? She said it in that tone of voice which means- I know something you don't know. I'm going to probe a little deeper now so I can find out more. And this is going to be absolute torture for you.

After a few minutes of silence and her staring at me, I found my voice again. "Why am I here, Ms. Suave? I'm fine."

"Well... some people have expressed a concern about you, Ellie."

"Concern?"

"With your eating habits."

I dug my fingernails into the seat cushion. "Is that a nice way of saying I eat too much?!"

"No!" Ms. Suave practically shouted. "Not at all. In fact... Ellie... Okay, here we go. It's not that you eat too much, it's that you eat too little. You understand?"

I blinked. No, I didn't understand. What was she trying to say?

"Ellie, do you know what Anorexia Nervosa is?"

I laughed a little too loud. "You've got to be kidding me."

"No, I don't kid around here. I'm serious, Ellie. It's speculated that you might be... anorexic."

Speculations had been made about me? As in gossip basically? "I didn't think you took what people speculated as the truth, Ms. Suave. That doesn't sound very professional to me."

"I don't take it as the truth. But I do take it into consideration. And when there's proof."

"What proof is there?"

"Ellie. I'm not here to blame you of anything. To accuse you. I'm here to help. I just want you to talk to me. Please, is there anything that's bothering you that's causing you to starve yourself?"

Ms. Suave sure had a way with words... Did someone really think I was starving myself? I shook my head slightly. That was fucking insane. Why can't people just leave me alone? I don't bother anyone else, so why does everyone bother me? I don't get into people's business. I don't try and "save" everyone. Doesn't anyone understand that some people just don't have as easy as others? I mean, not to say that everyone doesn't have their problems, but some people just have more problems. And I don't try and push my problems on anyone else. I keep them to myself and I don't ever let on to having problems. And it's just hard sometimes, always being the good girl or perfect or...

Ms. Suave handed me a tissue. I didn't really know why. She gestured towards her face and I narrowed my eyebrows before taking the tissue to underneath my eyes. Ohmigod. I was crying. Shit. Rule number one- never let them see you vulnerable. And I just broke it.

Before I could stop myself, words were flying out of my mouth. I tried to shut up, but I couldn't. "I have a lot of stress right now on me. I mean, my dad _just_ came home from the war. My mom is recovering from being an alcoholic. They just left me to go to Boston. I'm alone as always. My best friend basically hates me now. I keep getting into fights with my others friends. Not to mention my boyfriend. I can't sleep at night. I have so much piled up on me with my co-op and the play we just had and all my homework. Do you realize I'm taking three AP classes. I'm trying to keep my English grade up so I can be placed into Honors next year. I'm tutoring my boyfriend all the time. I never have time for myself anymore. And it's just so hard. It's like I'm being pulled into fifty different directions simultaneously."

I stopped talking abruptly. How embarrassing. I had just mentioned like half of my sob story. Ms. Suave shook her head and wrote something down in her notebook. "So, I understand you do have a lot of stress. Is there anyway we could fix that? I mean, I could give Caitlin a call and we could find someone else to take your place at the station or..."

"NO!" I pleaded. "Please, Ms. Suave. Don't take my co-op away from me."

"Relax, Ellie. I would never take it away from you. Just know that if it does get to be too much for you, we can fix that. But I would never just take it from you. All Caitlin can ever say is how perfect you are for this job."

"Thanks." I crossed and uncrossed my legs awkwardly. What was I supposed to do now?

"But anyway, Ellie. I think I'd like for you to see the school dietician. She can probably suggest something for you."

I watched as she stood up from her chair and moved to her desk. She seemed to be looking for something. Was she still accusing me of having an eating disorder? I thought my little emotional outburst there would have fixed that. That she'd leave me alone. Figures. Ms. Suave would never leave me alone for the rest of my life.

"Ellie. Just so you know- more than one person has come to me about you. They've expressed their concerns. They've told me things and I'm not accusing you of anything, but Ellie, you could need serious help. An eating disorder is a very serious matter. Nothing to be taken lightly. Would you mind me asking how much you weigh?"

I coughed. Did she really just ask that? "Actually, yeah, I do mind. That's none of your business."

"Ellie. I'm trying to go easy on you here. I'm trying to let you take control and open up to me. Do you know what this is?" She held up a file.

I scrutinized it. "Um, no." Okay, so my tone was more than rude. But she was really starting to piss me off.

"It's your file from Rookwood. Complete with your physical and everything. I understand you used to play soccer? Why didn't you try out here?"

I flinched. "Because."

"Okay. It also says you were into gymnastics and dance. I used to dance myself. What kind were you into?"

What was this? A biography session on me? "What matters is that I don't anymore. Okay?"

Why do some people have to constantly meddle into your life? If I don't play soccer anymore or dance or do anything that I used to, that's my problem. I was the one who had to quit all of them.

"Well, I'm glad that you at least continued art. But anyway... these are your physicals."

"And?"

"You started Rookwood in seventh grade. You weighed 92lbs."

"I was a small child. I was teased a lot."

"By the next physical, you were down to 76. And then last year I understand your parents sent you to a hospital to treat your disorder because you were down to... ummm... 63lbs. Yeah, 63. So you were treated for an eating disorder."

I stared straight ahead at the wall with a blank expression on my face. There was no way I'd give her the satisfaction of knowing she had gotten to me. "Yeah, but I didn't have one. That's why my parents took me out."

"No, it says here that the hospital released you after you gained 25lbs. Ellie, please, just talk to me. Are you relapsing?"

God, she made it sound like I had like a serious problem or something. So I watched my weight. So does every other girl in the world. So I didn't allow myself to eat disgusting shit that everyone else does. I'm just smart. Why was everyone getting on my case?

"Ellie, have you been getting your period?"

"God! This is bullshit! You can't force me into this conversation with you."

I ran from the room, tears flooding over my cheeks. I hoped that no one would be in the hallway at this time. That would seriously suck to have someone see me like this. I looked to my right and left- class or bathroom. Class or bathroom. I dodged to the left into the bathroom and locked myself into a stall. Okay, I had to get control. My emotions were skyrocketing. But I could control them. I rested my head against the wall of the stall and closed my eyes and just cried. Why was this happening to me? I could feel my stomach starting to churn. I needed to throw up.

**Okay, so I made this chapter longer since the last one wasn't so long. Hope you guys enjoy it. Just a question though- am I making Ellie likable? Just wondering whether I am or not. Because I want to. Anywho- always open to suggestions and reveiws. Thanks!**


	27. Secret Meetings

Chapter 27: Secret Meetings 

**Marco's POV**

I walked into lunch completely forgetting my argument with Ellie. I know I had been a bit snappy, but she'd understand. Ellie understood everything. She was the sweetest girl out there. She'd totally forgive me. I looked around for her familiar red hair, but couldn't find her anywhere. There was Sean and his gang heading outside- no Ellie. Ashley was sitting with Paige, Terri, and Hazel- no Ellie either. No surprise there. Maybe she had decided to skip lunch or go outside and eat it. I walked over to Ashley.

"Hey Ashley. Have you seen Ellie?"

Ashley took a sip of her Coke and shook her head no. "She was called down to Ms. Suave's office and no one has seen her since. I was wanting to talk to her."

"Yeah, me too. We kind of had a little fight this morning. I wanted to apologize. Now that I think about it, I didn't see her in any of our classes we have together."

Ashley bit her lip and turned away from me for a second. When she turned back she offered me a shrug. "I don't know. But if I see her, I'll tell her you were looking for her."

"Thanks, Ash."

Hmm. Now what. I couldn't sit with Dylan- we weren't exactly on the best of terms right now. I didn't want to be the fifth wheel on Paige and Spinner and Hazel and Jimmy's "lunch date". It didn't matter if I could anyway. Ellie was the only person I wanted to sit with or talk to right now. I decided to go back to my locker and just sit. Maybe it would do me some good to be by myself for the lunch period, to clear my head out.

But as I passed the office, Mr. Radditch caught up with me and stopped me in my tracks. "Marco, I'm glad I found you."

"What did you want, Mr. Radditch?" I used my most polite voice although I was feeling anything but polite right now.

"Ellie went home sick and I was wondering if you could take her homework to her. She forgot to get it."

Ellie went home sick? It must be a big deal if she went home. She never missed school. "Sure, I'll take it to her."

I ran my hands down the legs of my jeans and rang Ellie's doorbell with a shaking finger. Even I knew that I had said some pretty terrible things to her. She might even carry a grudge for a while. I hoped not though.

The door swung open and Ellie stepped out in a pair of pajama pants and an oversized hooded sweatshirt. She appeared to be drowning in her clothes and dark circles outlined her eyes. She didn't say a word and only opened the door wider to let me in. I accepted the silent invitation gladly.

"I have your homework," I handed the books and papers over to her awkwardly.

"Thanks," she murmured and took the stack from my hand. As soon as I shifted the weight of the books over to her, they all crashed onto the floor.

Ellie knelt next to the pile and started to pick the books up again, but failed. Instead, she just knelt there, arms to her side. I knelt next to her and put a hand on her back. "Ellie? Are you okay?"

Her eyes were locked on some invisible object on the carpet. I noticed that she blinked her eyes a few times before averting her gaze towards me. "Yeah, I'm just... not feeling well. At all."

"Yeah, that's what the office said. Listen, Elle.... I want to apologize for what I said bef-"

"-Marco, it's okay. Really." She lifted the corners of her mouth in a sort-of smile and put a hand on my knee and squeezed. "I'm so over it."

I knew I should still try to apologize, but I also knew that Ellie would want me to just drop it. She preferred to just avoid this sort of stuff between us. I had to make it up to her somehow, though. I mean, I had said some pretty shitty things to her. Things I didn't mean at all. I cared about Ellie more than anything and I treated her like shit.

I grabbed the books up off the floor and placed them on a nearby end table. "So, how are you feeling sick?"

She pulled herself up, grasping onto the back of the couch for help. "Just... weak. And sick to my stomach."

"That sucks. Anything I can get you? Make you soup?"

She scrunched up her nose. "Nah. I'm fine, Marco. Really."

"If you say so... Well, how about I make you up a little bed on the couch so you can watch TV and movies all night."

She let out a little laugh and nodded. "Sure. Why not."

I jogged up my stairs to the linen closet and pulled out a sheet and some blankets and grabbed a pillow from her bed. She sat in an armchair as I set up her makeshift bed on the couch and put a few cans of Sprite on the coffee table next to the TV remote. "There. It's going to be the best couch-bed you've ever had."

"I'm sure. Oh yeah, this is perfect." She snuggled into the blankets and wiped a strand of hair away from her eyes. "So anything interesting happen at school?"

"Do I look like a gossiper to you?"

"Come on Marco! I need some gossip!"

I smiled and put my hands up in a "I surrender" motion. "Okay... well... Heather Sinclaire sat on a bench that the school had just painted outside of school and walked around today with paint all over her ass."

"Go figure."

"That's what I said. Then, Paige got chewed out because she didn't have her project done for Family and Child Development. Mrs. Erwin was pissed!"

Ellie sighed with a huge smile on her face. "I wish I could have seen that!"

"Yeah, it was pretty amusing. Other than that, it was an unusually boring day at Degrassi."

"Well, that's good. I'm glad I didn't miss much."

She grabbed the TV remote and started flipping through channels. I decided to whine a little more about Dylan. "I don't know what he's thinking. We had something good. Now he's messing it up. I just have too many problems right now. How do you do it, Ellie? How do you stay so ... How do you get it so easy?" I threw my head back against the back of the chair and sighed deeply.

Ellie quit flipping through the channels. "Hey Marco...?"

"Hmm?"

"Um... Nevermind."

Ellie's POV 

"Bye Marco. Thanks for stopping by." I waved at him from the couch and returned my attention to the news.

I can't believe I almost told him about what had gone down that day between me and Ms. Suave. That would have been a complete mistake. Marco would have blown it out of proportion and would have taken her side. Not mine. I just knew it.

I can't believe I had told Ms. Suave about my problems. Well, some of them anyway. How embarrassing. How stupid! Why did I let myself do that? That was the worst mistake I ever made. Now she was going to track me down tomorrow, thinking she knew everything about me, waving that fucking file in the air as she chases me down the hallway. Telling me I'm too skinny or that I need to stop cutting. Who the hell does she think she is trying to control me?

I control myself.

Ashley's POV 

I walked into school a little later than usual. I had hit the snooze button on the alarm clock one too many times, Toby had decided to take extra long in the shower, and I couldn't find my right shoe. Could the morning get any worse? I stopped walking when I saw Ellie waiting by my locker.

Shit. She had found out. She found out that I told Ms. Suave my concerns. Why did I do that? I had no real proof. Except everything I had looked up on the Internet. But I shouldn't have told Ms. Suave. Maybe I should have confronted Ellie myself- but then she would have yelled at me and hated me. I couldn't do it. I'm not a professional. I can't pretend that I know _everything_ that's going on anymore.

I was practically tip-toeing to my locker I was so scared of what Ellie was going to say to me. On second thought, maybe it was a good idea I told Ms. Suave... she did not look good. At all. She barely looked like she could stand up on her own without the support of the locker next to mine. I reached my locker. "Ellie? What's up?"

"Ash. Nothing much. Just sort-of bored." She ran a bony hand through her hair. It almost made me sick to look at her. Why did no one else notice around here? Was I the only one who had eyes?

I grabbed my books from my locker and then slammed it shut. "Are you feeling better?"

"Yeah. Je crois... Shit. Sorry. I think it must have been something I ate. Maybe food poisoning."

"Ugh. Don't remind me of French. I have a quiz today that is going to be horrible."

"Tres horrible."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah. We all know you can speak French fluently and make the rest of us look like idiots."

Ellie laughed. "Yeah, well, you're not the one who has to make a speech in front of your class on French culture. I was up till three this morning making note cards so I don't forget anything."

"No wonder you look tired. Maybe you should get more sleep."

"Yeah, maybe..."

Ellie's POV 

Ahhh... Family and Child Development class. My favorite class. Okay, I'm not totally sarcastic when it comes to it. I do enjoy it. I like thinking about having my own little family someday. And plus it's easy. Too bad I had to miss the chewing out of Paige Michaelchuck. That would have made my day. Maybe even my year. Okay, let's not lie. My life.

Mrs. Erwin walked into class a few minutes late. "Sorry class. I had to take care of something. Okay, so today is going to be interesting. We'll be starting our lesson on newborn care. So, I bet you can guess what you'll be doing."

"Giving birth?"

Ohmigod. Did someone actually say that in the back of the class. I craned my neck around to see who had made that comment. Hmmm. Oh. Heather Sinclaire. That figures. What a moron.

Mrs. Erwin laughed as if it were a joke, although everyone knew Heather had seriously been concerned about this. "No, Heather. But close! You'll all be receiving your very own babies! For two weeks you'll be expected to take care of them for a grade. Now these babies are programmed to cry, wet, get hungry, sleep, whatever babies do. At the end of the two weeks, I will grade you on your performance."

YES! More stress! I love this! I inched lower in my seat wishing to disappear. Why did teachers insist on giving us the most impossible tasks?

"Ellie!" Ashley nudged my arm. "Mrs. Erwin is calling you up."

"Huh? Oh!" I stood up quickly, causing all the blood to rush to my head. Causing me to actually fall sideways onto the floor.

Oh.my.god. I wanted the ground to open up and swallow me. Okay, it wasn't too bad. Except for the room full of laughter. Even Mrs. Erwin was laughing at me. That's cool. I reached up to the table and pulled myself up. Okay, let's try this again. I walked to the front of the class where Mrs. Erwin held a baby out to me.

"Okay. Now Ellie here is going to demonstrate how to properly hold a baby. Oh wait. Okay. Congratulations Miss Nash. It's a girl!" She held the baby out towards me and I carefully grabbed a hold of it, making sure not to let her neck fall back.

"Oh, Ellie! That's perfect! Okay, you can take your baby now and sit down. Hazel, pass out these packets of papers. These packets explain what your grade is based on, what to do with your baby, and so on and so on."

I cradled my baby girl in my arms and sat down in my seat. I decided I was going to name her Brynn after Brayden. I was planning on naming one of my real kids after Brayden anyway. A loud crash sounded throughout the room and my mouth fell open as I saw that Craig's baby had fallen to the floor. Miss Erwin flinched and stooped down to pick up the little doll. "Okay, I'm going to reprogram this one. It's dead."

Craig swallowed hard and walked back to his desk to take his seat next to me. Maybe it was a good thing that Manny and him didn't have that baby. Obviously, he didn't even know how to hold one. "How do you do it?" he whispered to me.

I laughed softly, "I think it's maternal instinct."

"Oh. Well, whatever it is, I don't have it."

I gave him a small smile and went back to reading the packet Hazel had placed on my desk. This project actually didn't seem too bad. We had to clothe our baby, bathe it, feed it, just take care of it. That was easy. Miss Erwin came by the table and presented Craig with a new baby girl. I helped him hold it for the first time, showing him where to place his hands at.

"Thanks, Ellie."

"What are you going to name her? Hopefully not something Spinner would name his kid..."

"Hey!" Spinner called from another table. "Buck is a cool name."

"For a girl?" I responded.

He shrugged and went back to his petting session with Paige. Gross. Craig let out a laugh and shrugged. "I don't know. Maybe I'll name her Ellie. Since you did show me how to hold her."

Ooookay... Was this some weird sort of stalker thing? I mean, I thought Craig was over me after I told him no way after that kiss. He had sworn he was all into Ashley again. Was he? He must have noticed the weird expression on my face because he lifted an eyebrow and replied, "Don't worry. I'm not obsessed with you. Just because of lack of another name."

Okay, I'd take that. Craig seemed pretty sincere. Anywho... Was it bad that I wanted to go baby clothes shopping after school? I think I'm going to be bordering on the line of psycho when I'm through with this project.

Sean's POV 

I reached for the phone. "Okay, so what do you want?" I asked Ellie.

She swung her legs over the arm of the chair and leaned back. "Hmm. Breadsticks. With cheese. And tomato sauce."

"Okay, so like the cheesticks?"

"No. The breadsticks. The sticks with the sparkly stuff on them."

Huh? I'd let that one go. I knew what she was talking about now. I quickly called the nearest pizza place and placed an order for breadsticks and a medium pizza.

"I don't want pizza," Ellie complained when I got off of the phone.

"I know. The pizza's for me. Okay, so I think Return of the Robots is on soon. We should watch that."

Ellie pouted, "Do we have to? Can't we watch something a little more... educational?"

I almost spit out my coke. "Educational? I get enough education at school. This is our free time. As in, fun time."

She let out the most dramatic sigh I've ever heard. "I know. But "Return of the Robots"? I'm a little roboted out. Let's flip through and see what else is on."

"Whatever." I threw the television remote over to her. Instead, the remote missed her outstretched hand completely and hit that stupid, little baby doll she's been carrying with her since yesterday. The baby started crying and Ellie gasped.

"Sean! You have to be careful!" She carefully lifted the baby out it's carrier and brought it over to me. "Now, kiss her head and make it all feel better."

Was she serious? I was not kissing a machine baby's head. Nothing could get me to do that. "No way. Nothing you do or say will ever get me to show signs of affection to a doll."

She arched an eyebrow and leaned in closer to my ear. My eyes shot up as she started whispering into my ear and a slow smile crept across my face. Okay, so maybe I would kiss the baby's head _once_. But that's it. I hurried and pecked the doll's head and then leaned back on the couch blushing. How embarrassing. If anyone ever saw me do that, my reputation would be ruined.

"Awww! That was so cute! Doesn't Brynn look adorable today? I made this outfit last night."

"I can't believe you made your fake baby clothes. That's almost sick, Elle."

"I know. But I want a good grade."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah. Start flipping."

I started running my lips from the corner of Ellie's mouth to her collarbone. She smelled so good and all I wanted to do right now was-

The baby started crying and Ellie shot up and leapt out of bed. Not again... This was the third time we had tried to have a little alone time and that damn baby had ruined it. If I didn't know how important this grade was to Ellie, I would have smashed the doll into pieces. I lay back on my bed waiting for Ellie to return. She was lucky I was so in love with her. I wouldn't be this patient with anyone else.

She came back into the room with the baby and a bottle. God. She was feeding it again. "Brynn's thirsty tonight!" She smiled and rocked the doll a little bit. "I think I'll just put her carrier in here. So I can reach her better."

Great. And while you're at it, invite the whole school to watch us. There was no way I could have sex with her with that baby in the room. Watching me. Critiquing my every move. It was just creepy. I like my alone time with Ellie. Not alone time with a mechanical doll watching. That's just wrong.

Even when Ellie started to fool around with me again, all I could do was stare at that doll. Did I really want to have sex now with the product of what could go wrong staring me down? Ellie noticed my uneasiness and kissed me again on the lips before pulling away slightly. "What's wrong?" she asked in her soft voice.

I stared into her warm hazel eyes and lost myself. Even with everything she has going on, she can still make you feel like you're the most important thing in the world. She always shows genuine concern for a person no matter what. I reached up and kissed her lightly on the mouth. "Nothing. Nothing's wrong at all."

I was about to go to sleep when I realized Ellie had left her math book here. It was no big deal if the homework was already done, but it wasn't. Looks like I'll be taking a long walk tonight. I grabbed the book and made sure she hadn't left anything else. Nope. Okay, out the door and off to the good side of town.

I knocked on her door, rang the doorbell, but she never came to let me in. So I decided I'd just walk on in. Maybe she was out- I'd just leave it on her bed with a note. I walked up the stairs and noticed that her bedroom door was open and the lights were off. Okay, she was out... or asleep. I'd have to be quiet, just in case.

As soon as I walked into her room, though, I knew she was awake. I could hear her. In the bathroom. Throwing up. Had she been sick earlier? She hadn't acted like it. I saw that the door to the bathroom was open slightly. I went to go push it open even more, but what I saw through the crack made me stop. She wasn't _sick_. She was shoving her finger down her throat.

I couldn't tear my eyes away. It's like watching a car crash or a train wreck or Heather Sinclaire tripping down the steps. You can't stop looking. She sat back on her heels and I saw that she was only wearing a bra and underwear. Each one of her ribs was sticking out. They were sharp. Bones in her legs and arms and everywhere a bone is located were practically ripping through her skin. Why hadn't I noticed this before?

She grabbed a bottle of some kind of medicine or syrup from next to her and took a few sips of it. What was it? A few minutes later she started gagging and throwing up again. I couldn't watch anymore. It was making _me_ sick. I slid the book into her backpack so she wouldn't realize it had ever been missing.

I'm her boyfriend. I should know when she's hurting herself. Why don't I know these things? Am I so oblivious to it all? Each time we'd made love and I'd held her, why did I never feel her and wonder why she was so skinny? I hated myself for not paying closer attention. And for dismissing Ashley's concerns like they were nothing. Like they were false. And as much as I hated to admit it, I even hated her for doing this to herself. For being so messed up and not seeing how beautiful and perfect she already was. I hated the part of her that made her hurt herself. The part that punished herself. I hated everything right now.

Ashley's POV 

So, Ellie's been taking this whole fake baby thing a little too far. She makes it clothes, she bought it a little stroller and carrier... pretty much, she treats it like a real baby. Kind of scary. Kind of cute. I mean, it's nice seeing her getting excited about something and I know how much she loves taking care of others and so she's been putting all her energy into taking care of this little doll. Although she swears that she's only doing it for a grade. Whatever, everyone knows she's really into it.

Like today, Wednesday, for instance. She showed up to school, wheeling her baby along the hallways, _talking _to it. Telling the baby about every person they passed- that's Dylan, he just broke up with Marco. We don't talk to him. There's Hazel. She's actually pretty cool once you get her away from Paige. Speaking of Paige... There's our sworn enemy. Make note of that for when you grow up.- That sort of thing. Meanwhile, I'm lugging my little baby around like it's the most disgusting thing on earth. My baby boy is barely wearing clothes because I have no interest whatsoever in buying him any or making him some. Maybe... maybe I could ask Ellie to make him some. She'd probably jump at the chance. Maybe I should just let her adopt Walker. Then she could be twice as motherly.

But how can she take care of another "human being" when she can't even take care of herself? I know she thinks she is, but she's not. And I don't understand why no one else in the world seems to realize this. I mean, it's not hard to see just from looking at her. Even when I went to tell Ms. Suave my concerns, she told me that there had been other remarks or complaints made to her about the same subject. Who are these other remarks coming from? I'd like to know so I can talk to them!

"Hey Ash!" Ellie chirped. Of course, baby was in tow. Today, Brynn was wearing a little pink, fleece outfit- complete with little feet. A matching pink skull cap was placed on her head. I smiled. It really was cute. Ellie stooped down so she was the same height as Brynn in her stroller. "Look. We have the same eyes." She grinned and held her face against the doll's.

"Yep. You sure do. She's a spittin' image of her momma. So, who's the father?" I joked around.

Ellie twirled a piece of hair around her finger as she leaned against a locker. "Oh, I don't know. There's just too many possibilities."

I laughed and turned away from my locker so I could look at her. She looked deep in thought as she traced the letters on a huge poster hanging in the hallway. A bit my lip slightly as I glanced at her jeans. Definitely loose. Dangerously loose. I noticed her already tiny belt was set to the very last hole. God... this was hard to look at. Usually she did a better job at hiding her body. Today, though, she was wearing a tight black three quarter sleeved shirt and a light blue halter over it. As always, she had her trusty arm warmers on. I hadn't even thought about her cutting. Was she cutting again? Or was she just throwing up...?

"Well," Ellie pushed herself away from the wall and almost tipped over. She giggled slightly, "I have to go find Marco. See you in class."

"Bye..." my voice trailed off. I was too busy looking at her, watching her every move, to pay attention to what she was saying.

"Are you, like, totally crushing on her or something?" Paige's voice brought me out of my trance.

"Huh?"

"You've been staring at that little freak for like... ever... What's your deal?"

That was so Paige. Always wanting to know everyone else's business. I know she meant well, but still... wait a minute, hadn't Paige helped Ellie once when she found out Ellie had been cutting? I know the two avoided each other ever since and we're even more shitty towards each other, but still, Paige had helped her once. She could help her again. Paige _always _knew what to do in these types of situations.

I took a deep breath and led Paige over to underneath the steps. "I'm worried about Ellie."

"Uh... why? She seems fine to me."

Okay, this is it. "To be perfectly blunt- I think she has an eating disorder. A serious one. I mean, doesn't anyone notice how skinny she is?"

Paige looked around the hallway and quickly whipped her head back to me. "To also put it bluntly- yes. I've noticed. We've all noticed. It's so obvious, you know?"

I gaped at her. "Then why haven't you said anything or done anything?"

"Listen hon, I've helped her once. She didn't want it. She hates me for it. I don't even know if I helped, but there's not much more I can do about that. But seriously, if you have concerns, you need to tell someone like Ms. Suave or..."

"I already did. And she said I wasn't the first person. So, obviously, someone else is worried. I don't even know if it helped Ellie or not."

Paige took my hand in hers and squeezed it. "Don't worry, Ash. We'll figure something out. We'll bring it up today at lunch, okay? This is a problem everyone needs to talk about. We have to find a way to help her out."

Paige and I started to walk towards class, setting up a time and place for everyone to meet at lunch. I stopped outside of our classroom door. "Wait. Paige? Why do you care so much? I thought you hated Ellie."

Paige shrugged, "I don't _hate_ her. It's a strong dislike, you know? We're two totally different people, but... we're alike in one way- we both care about our friends more than anything. I help people and she helps people. It's just what we do."

I smiled. Paige was right, except for one thing. "You're right, except... you and Ellie do have more alike than you think."

"Ew! What's that mean?"

"Oh Paige..."

"Come on Ash! What's that mean? Ash! Tell me!"

Paige's POV 

I set my tray down on the outside table we had claimed under a grove of trees. It was more private than other tables so we wouldn't be bothered. Everyone else was already there- looking completely serious and worried. This is something I've never seen before at lunch... "So you all know why we're out here?" I asked as I took a seat.

Jimmy was the only one to speak up, "Yeah. Ellie's in trouble."

Marco cleared his throat and leaned forward. "I just want to say thank you because I know you all don't particularly like Ellie, but it's nice to know that you'll help my best friend out. That means a lot to me."

Hazel reached over and patted Marco's arm before returning her attention to her plate. Okay... so where did someone start with a topic like this? Maybe I'd let Ashley lead- she knew more than anyone.

"Hey Marco."

The whole table snapped back to attention and looked at Ellie as she stood next to Marco, a little baggy of carrot sticks in her hand. Is that all she ever ate? That's all I ever saw her eat. As if to prove my point, she bit down on a little stick and started to chew slowly.

Marco licked his lips. "Hey Elle. What's up?"

"I just wanted to ask if you wanted to do math homework together tonight? I might need your expertise."

"Okay, if you promise to help me with my thesis statement for Ms. Kwan."

"Of course. Okay, I have today off of the station so just meet me at my locker, okay?"

"Sure."

"Okay, bye everyone."

I noticed that she made sure to give me a glare as she turned away. I had half the mind to return it, but looking at her, I realized it was she was so pathetic I couldn't get angry with her. She looked like a skeleton. Like I could break her in half if I wanted to. Sometimes I do.... Okay, but off-topic here...

"She looks so horrible!" Terri whispered. We all shook our heads in agreement.

Ashley sighed, "So what are we going to do about it? We can't let her hurt herself. I've tried telling Sean, but he doesn't believe me."

"You'd think Sean would realize," Spinner replied.

"Well, he doesn't... He laughed it off. So, I think first we need to convince him and then maybe he'd have an idea of what we could do."

"You don't have to convince me. I know now."

We all looked up surprised to see Sean taking a seat at the table. He pulled his hat lower of his eyes and hunched over the table. He looked absolutely distraught. Like he was carrying something around with him. He clenched his fists together and placed them in front of him on the table. "I caught her making herself throw up. It wasn't pretty."

I gasped. Everyone gasped. He had actually caught her? "What did she say?" I asked.

"Nothing. She doesn't know I saw her."

"Oh."

We all sat and stared at each other for a while, trying to think of something to say. But no one could think of anything. A heavy silence hung over our table for the first time ever as we all contemplated what was going on with our classmate. And to some of us, a friend. There weren't any words we could say to ease each other. We hadn't dealt with this before. This was new to us. And it wasn't about someone in our little circle. Ellie had always been out of our circle. And because of everyone's general concern for her, we were bringing people into the circle- like Sean. I've always known what to say in times like this, except for now. It's not easy trying to save someone you barely know, who you torment everyday, who you love to talk about and bitch about. Who you think is one of the most vile persons on this earth. Who you are secretly jealous of sometimes because she always seemed to have it together- perfect grades, perfect best friend, perfect boyfriend, teacher's pet. And even though people say that about you too, she's different because she's soft-spoken and gentle and independent and in a whole different world. I didn't have any words of wisdom to share with the group that day. I can't give hope or encouragement.

I can't give anything because this is _Ellie_. This is the girl who was always so damn perfect to the point that it made you sick. Who always spent her time talking about things that mattered, writing editorials that actually _said_ something, helping every fucking person in the world out when she needed help herself. Who was always fifty steps ahead of everyone else and who made you consider whether you yourself were a good person or not because everyone knows she is. She'll never completely let you into her world no matter how hard you want to be. And although everyone acted as if they never noticed her, everyone did. And everyone cared for her. Even her "enemies" were scared for her.

So today at lunch it was our group plus Sean. But Ellie's physical condition couldn't be hidden forever. Even more people would notice. And who knew how many people would be at our table tomorrow.


	28. You Were Always On My Mind

**Chapter 28: You Were Always On My Mind**

**One Week Later**

**Ellie's POV**

Marco and I walked home in almost complete silence. I didn't want to bother him. He looked so deep in thought, as if he were thinking of something that I couldn't even begin to comprehend. I wish he would tell me what was on his mind. I always feel left out or unwanted when he doesn't tell me things. Like he feels he can't trust me or doesn't think I'd be interested.

I kept my gaze on Marco as we walked down my street. But as soon as I focused on him, he looked up and caught me staring. I looked away blushing slightly and pretended to be overly interested in the tree to my left. Marco reached for my hand and we held hands the rest of the way to my house. It was a simple gesture, but it meant the world to me.

It seems like everyone is acting weird to me lately. All my friends are avoiding me, I get weird looks in the hallway... well, even weirder than before. Ms. Suave keeps leaving me notes on the message board practically begging me to come and talk to her. I know she's trying to help, but there's nothing she needs to help me with. I'm fine. I can't stress that enough.

So it's been pissing me off that everyone is acting like there's something wrong with me. Sean can barely say a word to me anymore. Sometimes I feel like he's just using me. And that he really doesn't even care about me, but I'm just easy and I'm a sure thing. I'm surprised Marco even wants to come over today. He's been avoiding me like I have the plague. Always sitting with Paige and Hazel and them. I guess he's just more interested in being popular than having a true friend. It hurts me deeply to think that Paige has stolen my best friend away from me.

The only person who's really been there for me is Ashley. And this is pretty strange considering all the stuff that's gone down between us lately. But she's been keeping me company as I wallow in self-pity at the fact that she is, like, my only friend left in the world. And, for once, she's asking about me and how my life is going instead of complaining about all her problems. So I told her how Sean is acting distant towards me- barely returning my phone calls, making up excuses as to why he can't see me after school, and whatnot. I know he's busy with his job and stuff, but I have this sickening feeling that him and Emma are talking again. And it's not just me jumping to conclusions. I've been noticing them a lot lately. They've started talking to each other again and it's weird being the "other" girlfriend. I know him and Emma were a huge thing and that's why it makes me nervous seeing them talk again. I don't want to be placed second best for the millionth time in my life. I want to be _the_ best _always_.

But can I blame him for wanting to be with her? I mean, take her and then take me... There's not comparison. She's halfway normal, she's not a complete basket case, and she doesn't hurt herself or dress differently than others. Maybe Sean and I happened too fast... Maybe I didn't give him all the attention he needed. Maybe I wasn't the girlfriend he needed. He needed someone to give him everything he needs and wants. I can't do that. I have too many other responsibilities and priorities in life. I've already divided myself between everyone as much as possible. God, I need some fucking time for myself, too!

I was starting to feel angry and desperate and everything I shouldn't be feeling. It's like this huge boulder was on my shoulders and I'm carrying my problems plus everyone else's on my back.

"Ellie?"

I shook my head and looked at Marco. "Yeah?"

"You're rolling Brynn into the bushes."

I gasped and quickly took control of the stroller. Poor Brynn. I had completely forgotten I had been rolling her along the street with my free hand. Marco tried to hide a smile but he couldn't. He ducked his head and pushed Jefferson, his baby, a little faster.

Normally I would have made some smart ass remark to Marco, but I didn't feel like I could. This was the first time we'd been alone together- or even together, actually- in, like, a week. How strange is that? I guess everyone is just keeping busy or something... but I don't know. I've been busy myself too. With all my responsibilities, most of my day is usually booked. I had homework, my co-op, housework, yearbook, The Grapevine, Ms. Kwan convinced me to join the drama club, I had volunteered to work at the orphanage once a week... Too much, really... But I'd manage it somehow.

"Ellie, do you want to help me with French first?" Marco asked me when we got to my door.

I nodded my head, "Sure."

Sure. And while I'm doing that, I can also help you with your English and your chemistry and history and... God! Why did he depend on me for _everything_? I had my own homework, too. I couldn't do his all the time.

Immediately, I felt horrible. How could I even think that? This was my best friend, I've always been glad to help before. It's just now... now things are different. I've been in shitty moods all the time, I'm not feeling well, I'm just... things aren't good. And here comes Marco, ignoring me constantly until he needs help with his homework.

"You okay, Elle? You look like you're going to be sick."

"I'm fine." My voice was tight. I was sick of everyone asking me how I felt. If I was okay. If I was eating. If I was cutting. If I was sleeping. It was _my_ business what I did. And to answer all the fucking questions: like shit; no; no; yes; and no. Maybe I should just put it all out in the open. "Can you, like, start reading these lines or something? I don't all day."

Marco gave me a weird look and looked at his French book, reciting the sentences given in the exercise. It sounded horrible. Like nails on a scratchboard. "NO! That's not how you say it. Get it right the first time, or don't even try at all, Marco."

"Sorry!" Marco growled. "Ju na comprise pas les exercise du francaise."

"No. It's: je ne compris pas les exercise de francais. Form liason, pronounce your vowel groups right, don't pronounce the s in compris. Just... this is so pointless."

Marco glared at me and started to gather his things up from off the floor. "Nevermind. I'll ask Paige for help."

"Yeah, you go ask your new best friend for help... _Hon_."

Two days later and Marco still wasn't talking to me. Could he blame me for getting angry? I always feel so damned used around him. So today at lunch Ashley sat with Paige and her group. Figures. My one friend would ditch me. Sean was nowhere to be found. Good. I didn't want to look at his face anyway. Things have just gone all wrong. I can't even explain it. My head hurts and I just want to die.

**Sean's POV**

I'm a horrible person. A terrible man. I love her. I do. But I can't be with her right now. Not that I want to break up or anything. I never want to break up with her. I want to be with her forever so much that it scares the shit out of me. But I can't look at her. And see what's happening to her. And face her. I mean, I know that she's hurting herself, but what the hell am I supposed to do? I've never had to take care of anyone but myself before in my life.

And it hurts to do this to her. To see how upset she looks when I tell her I have to go to work and probably won't be able to see her that night. She tries to be all strong and have this I-don't-care attitude, but she does care. I can tell. It's written all over her face.

And everyone else is hiding from her the fact that they _know_. That I told them. I gave them evidence, proof... And so they've been talking to each other about it for like a week now. Ignoring her. Keeping her far away. And I know we're trying to help, but I start to wonder if we're not making it worse.

The next day there was no avoiding Ellie. She was waiting for me at my locker. I needed books out of my locker. What else was I supposed to do?

"Hey Ellie," I bent down to kiss her, but she pulled away.

"Don't." I could barely hear her she said it so softly, but the impact of the words- her tone almost knocked me down. She's never pulled away like this before.

I set my backpack down on the floor and tried to grab hold of one of her hands but she pulled it away. She was looking straight at me to the point where it almost made me feel uncomfortable because I knew how much of a bastard I had been to her. And she knew too. "What's wrong?"

"Us. We're wrong."

What? My palms started to sweat. Where was this leading? There was no way she could...

"I'm breaking up with you." And she walked away.

Leaving me alone by my locker feeling like the wind was just knocked out of me. Where had this come from? We were doing great until the last week. Until I found out and... It was all my fault. I shouldn't have been avoiding her. I should have been there for her instead of running away scared.

The rest of the day Ellie avoided me. She wouldn't talk to me. She wouldn't even stop long enough so I could tell her how much I cared about her. I had to tell her.

That night I waited outside of her co-op for her. She should be walking out any second and she'd have to listen to me. At 6:40, Ellie came through the door and started to walk down the street. She hadn't even seen me.

I followed her a little bit. I watched as she walked slowly without the usual swing in her arms or the little bounce in her step. Her head was down; she was staring at the sidewalk. Was she regretting her decision? I hoped so.

"Elle?"

She didn't even flinch. She just kept on walking. I reached out for her arm, but she shook free and continued on her way. "I love you."

I said it. It was the least romantic setting possible, but I said it. The words came out sounding desperate and childish and they were my last hope. She couldn't just let this go. She had to give me some sort of response. It's not everyday I tell someone that I love them.

She turned around and a glimmer of hope warmed my heart. Maybe she was going to take me back. She wore a bored expression on her face and shook her head, looking at me as if I were the most pathetic thing in the world. "I don't love you."

My mouth just hung open and tears tried to fight their way free from behind my eyes. I couldn't even stop them. I cried in front of her. The lamest thing I could possibly do. No wonder she thought I was pathetic. I was. Those words tore at my heart. I thought that she feeling the same way I was during our relationship. I thought we were on the same page and had this unspoken connection. I was so wrong.

**Ellie's POV**

"I don't love you."

_I love you._

I clinched my jaw, almost breaking it in an attempt to keep control and not break down in front of him. I had to be strong. This had to be done. We had to be done and over with. There was nothing left for Sean and I anymore.

He turned away and started to walk, leaving me staring after him. Tears sprang to my eyes and my chin began to tremble. My heart physically ached. _Don't go! _I silently screamed after him. It was no use. I would never say it. I couldn't. It wouldn't be fair.

So much has happened that I can't even remember where it began. But Sean and I are finished. I can't be with him anymore.

I spent the night lying on top of my covers, staring at the ceiling. I didn't do any of my homework. I didn't talk to my parents. I didn't go to work at the orphanage. The next day I didn't go to school.

And the day after that.

On Friday, I finally went to school. And was met by Marco. Who immediately hounded me with all sorts of questions about my break-up with Sean. I guess he forgot my little outburst the other day during our homework session. Funny how I remembered something as futile as that in a time like this. I told Marco we broke up. That was it. And he accepted it. Thank God.

I didn't go out that weekend. Ashley called a few times- wondering how I was. Marco called and I talked to him for maybe an hour. Sean didn't call.

I didn't cry. I'm stronger than that. I can control that. But I couldn't get out of bed. I had no energy. I had no motivation. So I just stayed in bed and listened to music.

On Sunday night I was lying in bed and listening to a CD I had made a while back with just a variety of songs on it. A little of The Get Up Kids, some Modest Mouse, some Pink Floyd... and a song the Counting Crows did a cover of. And it described my situation perfectly. Because I wasn't always the best girlfriend. I had so much other stuff going on that I couldn't always give Sean my undivided attention. He had to share me with all my other priorities. And sometimes I didn't put into the relationship as much as Sean did. And although I know what I did was right, I can't believe how stupid I am to let something as good as him go.

Maybe I didn't love you  
Quite as often as I should have 

_Maybe I didn't love you  
Quite as good as I could have  
Little things I should have said and done  
I just never took the time  
  
You were always on my mind  
You were always on my mind  
  
Maybe I didn't hold you  
All those lonely, lonely times  
And I guess I never told you  
I'm so happy that you're mine  
If I make you feel second best_

_I'm sorry I was blind  
  
You were always on my mind  
You were always on my mind  
  
Tell me, tell me that your sweet love hasn't died  
Give me, give me one more chance  
To keep you satisfied, satisfied  
  
Little things I should have said and done  
I just never took the time  
You were always on my mind  
You are always on my mind  
You are always on my mind_

By the end of the song, I was in tears. Sobbing. Weeping. Whatever you want to call it. I was completely heartbroken because I had to give up something I didn't want to. I would have never broken up with Sean if I hadn't had to.

**Sean's POV**

I slammed my locker door shut as hard as I could and then I punched it. I hated life. Just when you find something so good, something that truly makes you happy, it's ripped away from you. Story of my life.

I began walking to shop when I stopped dead in my tracks. There she was... I tried to pick my feet back up and force them to take me to class, but I couldn't. I couldn't stop staring at her and wonder how she was doing. If she had cut. If she was eating. Of course she wasn't. What was I thinking...

She was just _staring_ in her locker. The hallway started to empty out and the bell rang. Shit. I was late. But so was she. And she didn't seem to care at all. She just continued to stand there, staring in her locker, expressionless. I slowly inched my way up to her. Maybe... maybe, if I could just talk to her, I could get her to understand why I had been distant. I'd tell her that I saw her. I'd tell her everything.

"Ellie," I choked out. I hadn't spoken her name in a long time.

She shook her head and her face scrunched up. Tears slid down her cheeks and she turned away from me. "Don't Sean."

I followed her as she started to walk out of the school building. "Where are you going? School's started. It's raining. You're supposed to be the responsible one here."

"Oh yeah, I'm _real_ responsible... Leave me alone, Sean. I don't want to talk. We're over."

What did that mean? She had sounded so bitter. I didn't listen to her. I still followed her as she walked out of the doors into the pouring rain and over towards the soccer fields. She didn't say a word to me as I caught up with her and we walked side by side. But tears were still running down her face, or was it rain? I didn't know. But I could tell that she was trying to look composed and fine, but she was failing. She was visibly upset about something.

She sat down on a wet bench and wrapped her arms around herself, staring up at the sky. I sat down next to her and, noticing that she was shaking from the cold rain, I wrapped an arm around her. She didn't push me away. But she bit her lip and looked down in her lap. And shook her head. "Why are you doing this?"

"Doing what?"

"Being good to me? After what I did?"

"You didn't do anything. I was being an asshole. I deserved it."

She didn't say anything only continued to shake her head and then she began to sob. I squeezed her closer to me. "What is wrong? You have to tell me Ellie." I made her face me and looked into her eyes. She wouldn't look at me. "Ellie! Please. I love you. Tell me."

"I _can't_!" She screamed at me. I pulled away from her a bit and she clenched her fists. "You don't need to know everything."

"When you're this upset, yes I do. I want to help you."

"You can't."

"Try me."

"You _can't_, Sean. No one can help me."

"Well, I can at least try."

"Will you just drop it?" she yelled.

I narrowed my eyes. I was sick of her telling me that I wouldn't understand whatever she was going through. "Stop saying that. Tell me, now!"

Ellie ripped my arms off of her and started down the bleachers. I didn't even have the energy to chase after her. I just watched as she grew smaller and smaller as each second went by.

A knock on my door woke me up at two in the morning. Who the hell could be coming around at this hour? I knew it wasn't Jay. I climbed out of my bed and made my way down the short hallway to the front door and opened it.

Ellie stood outside, her arms wrapped around her self, wearing a sweatshirt I had given her. She stared at the ground the entire time, but didn't give me a chance to talk. "I know I should have told you earlier. But I wasn't really worried before. But now I am. And I wasn't going to tell you because I knew how much it would hurt you. And I don't want you giving up on yourself just because I'm an idiot. But I... I need to tell you because you deserve to know. And I'm trying to be selfless here, but part of me is still selfish and wants you. Well... all of me wants you, but... Nevermind. But anyway, this is really hard for me. I mean, yeah... And I know how much you care about me, but I'm not going to let you throw away your life just because of me. So, just get that straight, okay? I don't care what you say. You're not throwing your life away. But, anyway, I'm rambling on because I'm trying to avoid telling you although I know you'd want to know. It's just... I'm scared, okay? I'm really fucking scared."

"Ellie?" I asked with a worried tone. What was she talking about?

"Yeah, you're right. I'm probably confusing you. Well, you know, I haven't been feeling well lately. Actually, I haven't been feeling well for a few months now. And I've been getting sick. And I haven't had my period in... well... a long time. But I didn't think anything of it. Because, well, I never get my period on a monthly basis. So, I didn't think anything of it. But I've had time to think since everyone's been kind of shutting me off. And I started to think and well... the thing is... Well, it's like a few months along. But I just found out the other day-"

"Ellie!" My heart stopped. Was she saying what I think she's saying?

Ellie finally met my eyes. "I'm pregnant."

**I know. I know. How original... But the idea has been in my head long before I posted this on here so... yeha and I'm the author so I can do what I want. :) So I think I'm going to continue the story under a new title. I don't know what the title is yet, but I'll specify that it is part 2. And I hope you all enjoyed this part of the story and I can't wait to write the next parts. Thanks for the awesome reviews.**


	29. Ending Note

**I decided that I'm going to actually be writing two separate sections for the new part of Fall to Pieces. One story will be as if Ellie WAS pregnant. The other story will be as if she WASN'T pregnant. So you'll see both sides of what her life could be like. I just thought it'd be fun for me to play out both options. Plus, if you don't want another clichéd pregnancy story, then you got your wish! ï I hope you enjoy this concept. I'm not exactly sure what they will be called yet. But I'm already starting on the first chapters for each. **


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